The Only Thing Certain
by ercarterfan
Summary: A friend comes back to the ER to say goodbye, will the staff at County be able to let go or will the memory of Mark be to fresh? Can they deal with the loss of another doctor. Can the least two likely people work together to reunite a couple torn apart?
1. Default Chapter

**The Only Thing Certain**

_Disclaimer: Don't own them don't claim to own them, this story is purely for entertainment purposes and no money will ever be made off my writing sadly. _

**Chapter One: Dare to Dream**

When we dare to dream, is when we realize what we can fully accomplish with our lives, for a person who never dares to dream, will seldom act. I dared to dream, and it was where that dream took me, that changed my life forever. I found out that life is only what we make of it, we are given one short shot here and we must make what we can from it. Destiny, fate, chance, luck, they are all intertwined, one affecting the other leading us blindly along some previously predetermined path. There are however two things that we can be certain of, one is that will we live and the second is that we will all in due time die. It is this death that we can most always be certain of.

After the diagnosis I found myself spending as much time as I could with my family. It at the time just seemed like the right thing to do, but as time passed I realized that there was still more that I needed to do. It almost felt as if I was forgetting to do something that was important to me as a person, and while my family was the most important thing to me, this was pulling at me to do too.

It was that diagnosis in the spring of 2002 that sent my world reeling. I never thought that it would happen to me. This was something that happened to other people but not to me. I thought that the low back ache was from the long hours of working and constantly picking up children that the stomach pain was from the way that I had been eating. Being a physician I didn't always have the best of eating habits. I thought that I was just feeling the effects of getting older, I was no longer a spring chicken and that my activities had started to catch up with me. I finally broke down and went into the doctor and when I told him everything that had been going on found myself having to see my gynecologist, who told me the grin news. There was no family history that I knew of, of anyone having this, and it blew me away. I should have recognized the signs or at least realized sooner that something was horribly wrong, but yet I had turned a blind eye to everything accounting it to something else.

I had left Chicago in 1998, feeling the pull of being homesick, I returned to Philadelphia to finish my residency. I felt more at home there than I did any place else at the time. Yet somehow I had always regretted the way in which I had left, and the friends that I had left behind. That was a little over six, well no probably close to seven years ago. I highly doubted that the people I had worked with were still there but I needed to go and find out for myself. But I think the thing that was driving me to go, was that there was a friend there that I needed to be able to say goodbye to. While we parted friends, kept in touch with sporadic letters, I just didn't think that this was something that I should tell him over the phone or in that rare occasion that a letter was sent.

I knew he was still in Chicago and had a brief knowledge of what had been going on since I had left. That much we had managed to constantly tell each other. While it seemed as if he was never going to find that right woman and settle down no matter how close he came. It was his life that I knew the most about. But I hadn't heard from him in almost a year and I had to wonder if something hadn't happened and he was no longer in Chicago. I was about to find out because I didn't have much time left.

I pulled the rental car into the parking lot for Country General. The building had changed a lot since I had last been there. The diner across the street where we had spent several hours after shifts, before shifts, during shifts at no longer there. It almost seemed as if I was the one that was out of place here now. Slowly I managed to make my feet move and carry me towards those double sliding doors that marked the entrance to the hospital's ER.

Walking inside, I was amazed at how things had changed, not shocked to see the waiting area full of people. More that they had really updated the security system, getting that badge probably would have been a lot worse than when I had first gotten mine that fateful day after Mark's attack. What a way to start a residency, which was probably one of the few things that I would never forget. I walked up to what I assumed was the triage nurse.

"Excuse me," I said in my nicest and most pleasant tone. Not wanting to bother them, because I could see that they were clearly busy, but there was no other way that I was getting in there unless I got buzzed back.

"Take a seat and I will be with you as soon as I can." Was the response that I was given.

"I'm here to see Dr. Carter." I said trying not to be a pain in the ass.

"Take a seat and he'll get to you in time." The voice repeated getting shorter in tone with me.

I was not getting any where with this approach time and it became apparent that it was to change tactics. "I'm not a patient." I say now with a different tone in my voice, "I'm a doctor."

"He's with a patient right now." I am told, as the voice continued on, "he will be with you as soon as he can."

"Could you please tell him that Anna Del Amico is here from Philadelphia and is waiting for him?" I say back to her, "really please this is rather important." I added that to make myself feel better.

"Yeah," she looks at me as if I am insane.

My eyes dart around the room a few times looking for someone, anyone who might even be a tiny bit familiar. There had to be someone left around here other than Carter that I would recognize and who might just recognize me. "Jerry." I call out as I see the old familiar desk clerk back there. Never hurts to go around a triage nurse when you can, they tend to be rather grouchy being stuck working triage the one place that no one wants to work, nothing could be worse than triage.

"Dr. D!" I hear the big loud voice calling back, "is that really you?"

"Ha yeah, the one and only," I reply back to him with a soft laugh, "Dr. Carter working?"

"Yeah he is." I watch as he moves over to the door to let me back much to the triage nurse's dismay. But it's not like I am some psycho hell bent on getting revenge upon the staff here. All I want to do is visit a few old friends before the end is near.


	2. 2: Bear Hugs

_A/N: Thank you for the reviews! Here's the second part of the story. I appreciate getting the reviews let's me know if the story is liked and if I should keep going, so please take a minute if you read this and let me know! _**  
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**Chapter Two: Bear Hugs.**

I felt myself being pulled into a giant bear hug by the overly friendly desk clerk. Jerry was and always had been nothing more than a giant teddy bear type. For now I can still manage to be all smiles, even though it's hard, knowing inside that this would be the last time that I would be walking in here.

"How's my favorite Unit Service Coordinator," there's that smile again just for him, in hope that would get me one back.

"I'm doing great." There's that Jerry grin that I was looking for, "what brings you back to Chicago Dr. D?"

Oh the question that I had been dreading. I had rehearsed so many different answers to that question that one should have instantly popped into my head but it didn't. I know that I am radiating this awkward silence that I am trying now desperately to fill, "Ah, I just thought that I'd stop by and say hello to friends." I say almost shyly, "I was in the area on vacation." Not a complete lie but it got me around having to tell the whole truth.

"It's great to see you." Was the response that I heard back.

"It's great to see you too Jerry." I say as my eyes dart around the ER searching out Dr. Carter now, since I know he's working I know that he has to be around this giant place somewhere.

"Dr. Carter just went in with a patient." As if he could almost with out me saying anything, know what I was thinking. "You can hang out here until he gets done, or I can go and interrupt him for you."

"Ah, thanks Jerry I'll just hang out here until he's done. I would hate to pull him away from a patient since you seem so busy." I said, "Lounge still down the hall?" I find myself asking thinking that I could just slip in and have some coffee while I waited for him.

"Yeah it is, right where it's always been for the most part." I can still see that smile of his. Of all the people that worked at County, Jerry had always been the friendliest one of the bunch. In all the time I had been there I don't think that I had ever heard him raise his voice once.

"Cause I would hate to keep you from doing such important work, I know that you would just sit here and talk to me all day if I would let you." I say slowly taking off down the hall now, walking and just looking around as I go, taking everything in. The changes were, well not something I had ever expected and I wondered now how the med students kept from getting lost.

I push the door open to come face to face with two people whom I didn't recognize. But one of them upon my arrival into the lounge gave me almost the same look that the triage nurse had given me. "Can I help you?"

I shrug my shoulders as I find a paper coffee up pouring one, "no, I'm good I am just waiting for Dr. Carter." I say thinking nothing of it.

"This area is for staff only." She said back to me, I got this feeling that I wasn't welcome in their lounge right now for her tone was rather cold towards me.

"Oh I was staff once." I reply. I feel both sets of eyes upon me as if I was making it up. Neither of them seemed to be convinced that I had actually worked there at some point in time. I'm not sure right now if I should keep going or if I shouldn't say anything else, the last thing I want is to upset anyone.

"Really," the man's voice said, "I don't think I remember you." He said looking at me as if he had been there for a long time.

"I did my residency here back in 1997. I am a friend of Carter's." I say looking at him, "sorry but I don't think that we have met."

I hear two more voices come in from behind me into the lounge now. One of them was a voice that I knew I wouldn't forget, I turn around to come practically face to face with Dr. Weaver. I smile, "Hi Dr. Weaver nice to see you again." I say to her with well practiced pleasantries.

She looks at me for a minute, I get this feeling that she doesn't quite remember who I am, but then I really don't blame her, and it had been a long time since I worked with her in the ER. I however, do give her a minute to see if she can place the face before saying anything to her.

"Anna, Anna Del Amico." She finally says and I can let out the breath that I had been holding, "how nice to see you again."

"It's nice to see you again too Kerry." I reply back to her. The other two are still looking at me like I don't belong there.

"What brings you back to Chicago, last I heard you had a nice cushy job at CHOP. Surely you are not fishing for a job here."

"Well no, not fishing for a job at County again I'm afraid this time I'm just on vacation and wanted to stop in and say hello to Carter." I found the excuse coming easier this time. Maybe it was because I hadn't had the good working relationship with Kerry that I had, had with everyone else there.

"I'm sure that Carter will be happy to see you."

"I'm sure that he will be too, if not I have just wasted an entire afternoon." I reply back again. The small talk is killing me, really it is. It's not that I disliked her, but that it was not some one that I had planned on catching up with.

"This is Susan Lewis." She points to the woman standing next to her, "she's the Chief of Emergency medicine now."

I nod, "I'm familiar with the name." I find myself saying, "John talks a lot about everyone here." I extend my hand toward her now, unsure if she will shake it or not, "he seems to like to talk about what goes on here when he writes to me."

"It's nice to know that you have kept in touch with him." I hear Kerry say to me now as I shake Susan's hand.

"Pleasure to meet you," Susan says to me, "I take it then you are a friend of John's."

"I am." I find myself saying.

"Well I need to get back to work." I watch as both women get coffee and start to leave the room again. "It was nice seeing you again Anna."

"Same here," I say to the retreating forms. The other two still had these odd looks on their faces. But neither of them says anything as they head out of the lounge. I am assuming that they are going back to work. Oh how painful being pleasant could be when you had to force it.

Maybe coming into where Carter worked was a bad idea after all this time. There were few people who would even know who I was, of course Carter would and Kerry would, but everyone else had moved on. Doug, Carol were living in Seattle quite happy the last time that I had talked to Doug, and then there was Benton, not that I was on the greatest of terms with him, he had left several years ago, and I was sadden when Carter had written and said that Mark had died. And now here I was about to drop the same kind of news on Carter. That he was going to lose another friend. I sit down on the couch that was in there, oh man gross something never change and that was that the lounge coffee still tasted like day old mud.


	3. The Vortex

_A/N: Thanks again for the review, and okay I promise after this chapter I will try to stop stalling! really I will__it's just not something that she could blurt out._

**Chapter Three: The Vortex**

I find myself meandering now over to the couch where I sit down, my legs straight out in front of me firmly planted on the floor. Seemed that this couch swallowed up still whatever decided to sit upon it. I slowly sip upon the coffee that I am holding resting my head upon my hand rehearsing yet once again what I am going to say to Carter. Nothing ever seems right, but then there is no right way to tell him this. I had found myself in the same dilemma when it came down to telling my family. The only difference was that when I had told my family there was still some small ray of hope which had now faded and I had resigned to the desperate truth of the matter, that there was nothing that could be done.

It was hearing those words from another physician that hurt, how many times had I told that to another family thinking that I would never hear those words myself, or being spoken about me. We had thought that this was something that I was originally going to be able to beat, but as time went on surgeries passed, and rounds of chemotherapy and radiation therapy virtually did nothing in stopping the progression of the cancer. It might have temporarily slowed it down over the few years that I had now been dealing with this, but it didn't put the cancer into any type of remission.

Against the wishes of my family and friends back in Philadelphia, I had declined any further chemo and radiation treatments. If I was going to die, and they knew that I was going to die, I wanted to have what time I had left to live a semi-normal life. I had been so sick during all of that confined mostly to bed or home sick to my stomach, nauseated, and had lost a lot of weight. Some of which had come back since I had stopped the chemo but it had still left its tolls upon my body. There was so much that I couldn't do anymore and at times it left me frustrated and wondering what I had done to deserve this. But as time progressed I learned to better deal with it. Having a supportive family helped more than they would ever know.

I heard the lounge door open once more and looked up in the direction of the door. Wondering if it was someone who had come to remove me from the quiet sanctity that I had found in the lounge, but there now entering was that familiar sandy haired doctor that I had become such good friends with. He flashed me that boyish smile of his. "Hey there stranger, you never write anymore."

I smile back at him attempting to get up from the vortex of the couch that I had been sucked into, "well yeah I know but hey I'm here now aren't I? This should be better than some soggy letter that I write you."

"That it does. What bring you to Chicago?" I hear him say as he walks over and too starts to sink down into the couch vortex.

I sink back down into the couch again since he is sitting there next to me now. "Do I need a reason?" I say back looking over at him with my soft smile. "You know this couch tends to still eat doctors."

"Yeah it does, residents, interns, I think if we look hard enough back here we might actually find the med student I lost last week." He laughs softly as his own joke and I can't help but laugh softly with him.

"That we just might," I half hearted reply back, "so," there's an awkward pause throw in, I'm not sure why but it's there nonetheless, "what time are you free from this joint?"

"In about an hour," I hear him say watching him glance up at the clock as he speaks.

"Oh so you mean that I have to wait an entire hour before trying to convince you to take me out to dinner tonight." I try desperately to keep things light between the two of us right now, the heaviness of the conversation would come to soon as it was.

"Yeah you are going to have to wait an hour to get me to take…" I hear him trail off and laugh, "wait why am I taking you to dinner, you're the one who showed up here out of the blue."

I laugh seeing the look on his face, "Well because you make more money than poor little old me, that," a small hint of a giggle escapes me "is why you should take me to dinner."

"I don't know about that Anna." Carter said nudging against my shoulder, "you have that nice plush job, making the good money…"

I jump in and cut him off right there, I couldn't help it, "and you my dear are the Carter family heir. That right there puts you into a whole different league than me. Hence you make more, I didn't say that you made more as a doctor just that you make more than me."

"Okay well I can't argue with that thinking then can I?" He looks over at me now.

It takes everything I have not to start crying right then and there, but somehow I manage to suck back the tears and keep them at bay for right now. "No you really never could argue with me Carter."

"Anna, are you ever going to start calling me John?"

"Yeah and give you a big head?" I laugh a little saying that to him. "I think I have called you John on more than one occasion, it's just this place there's something here that says, no it screams call him Carter."

"No, it's just that you have been trained to call me Carter, everyone else did so you jumped on the bandwagon too."

"Yeah but I addressed all those letters as 'hey John,' only because the thought of constantly sending Dear John letter's wasn't appealing at all." I laugh a little now.

"Did Max come with you on this trip? I'm assuming here that you are on vacation, well that's what Jerry said when he told me you were hiding out in here waiting for me."

"Oh," I found myself saying forgetting there for a moment that Carter didn't know and the smile that was on my face quickly faded for a moment, "Max and I, well separated awhile ago."

"I'm sorry to hear that." I hear him say.

I look over his direction again, "oh don't be," I say patting his leg now, "really it's for the better this way." Wanting to tell him why but this wasn't the place or the time. I didn't want to tell him about all of this sitting in a hospital lounge. I had given enough bad new and received enough bad new sitting like this, with a friend next to me, cups of coffee in ours hands, no I would rather wait and tell him someplace else. "I'm staying at the Blackstone do you want me to meet you someplace or can you pick me up there?"

"Ah, um," I had smile hearing Carter thinking out loud. "I can grab you from your hotel that wouldn't be a problem. We can get something to eat and then I can just drop you back off on my way home."

"Alright then," I say back standing up from the couch now with great effort. "I'll see you in about an hour or so, depending on when you get sprung free." I walk for the lounge door turning back to him just long enough to say, "Go heal the greater population of Chicago the all talented Dr. John Carter, and I will be waiting for you to finish. Just don't smell like day old bum when you come and get me." And with a soft giggle not waiting for a response from Carter I slip out of the lounge down the hall way and back out of the ER into the cold of the Chicago night.

I slowly walk towards the direction my rental car. Climbing into it once again, turning up the heat as I am once again freezing. It seems as if I can't regulate the heat of my body as well as I once was able to. That and there was something about the wind in Chicago that no matter what you were wearing or how many layers you might have had on, it cut right through you. I fought to find a place to park my car at the hotel again. Parking was a premium in downtown Chicago, something that I had managed to once again forget, but then the last time that I had been here I hadn't exactly been staying at such a nice place. Poor residents couldn't afford to stay at places like this, but it was nice to be able to leave the cockroach invested lodgings finally behind me.


	4. The Words

A/N: Thanks to everyone who took the time to review once again, Anna, Alibee, Rox88, thanks I really appreciate it. So enough with the stalling, if you like what you read give me a review, you don't like it well hey give me one too and let me know what you would like to see changed, if I don't know what's wrong I can't fix it. I think this is the part that I was supposed to stop stalling and get to :)**  
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**Chapter Four: The words **

I hopped into the shower in my hotel room hoping against odds that the hot water would somewhat revive my tired body. That was still one of the things that remained around and was the constant reminder that I was indeed sick, was how easily I got tired. Just a short trip to the ER had drained what energy I seemed to have. The hot water against my body felt good but did nothing to bring my energy level back up. I climbed out and wrapped a towel around my dripping wet hair as I started to rummage once again for clothes. I put on my jeans and a baggy t-shirt catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror, oh my, I was a scary sight.

Giant black bags had started to form once again under both my eyes and I doubted that all the makeup in the world was going to hide them. My face was utterly pale and had almost a white sheet look to it. There was going to be no way that I was going to hide all of this from Carter. One look at he'd know that something just wasn't right. How my appearance could change in such a short amount of time was beyond my comprehension but a lot of what was going on with me right now took more understanding than at times I felt I had to give.

Now that I was completely dressed I stretched out on the bed trying not to close my eyes and fall asleep but I knew that was where I was headed for if I was not careful. I rolled onto my side and glanced at the clock. Carter should be here shortly, if he didn't get held up at the hospital, and that was always a possibility when you worked in the ER, that a case that you needed to follow through on might roll through the doors during the last ten minutes of your shift. Rolling back onto my back I heard a knock on the door. I pulled myself up off the bed and walked over to open it.

"Hey John," shocked that he was actually there pretty close to when he said he would be. "Uh come in." I watch as he walked through the hotel room door and over to one of the chairs that was in there.

"Sorry I know I'm probably early, but I managed to sneak out on time for once." He said looking up at me; there was a look on his face that I wasn't quite able to decipher just yet.

"You're fine." I find myself saying. "Sorry I'm just slow tonight showering and getting ready. Guess it must be old age."

"You are no older than I am, so don't give me that," was the playful yet friendly response that I got from him.

I smile over in the direction of where he is sitting, "okay you win there." I say sitting down now on the edge of the bed. The place is a little bit of a pigsty but then I had never been on who was completely into picking up after themselves the minute I made a mess.

"Yeah," he said his voice soft and quite with me now, "no offense meant here but god Anna you look like hell. Did you let the shower beat you up or something?"

"Ah, thanks for the vote of confidence there John," I say back to him wondering if I should just sit down and talk to him here or not. At least here there would be no one overhearing the conversation that we would have to have. But it was just so hard to get out no many how times I had rehearsed it in my head.

There is an eerie almost awkward silence between the two of us as we sit there. Neither of us sure of what we should say, at least I know that I am completely unsure of what I should say. He's rubbing his wrist which lets me know that he's thinking hard and I have mine folding on my lap chewing slightly on my lower lip as I think. This isn't going to be easy. For I am not sure where to start or even how to come out and say it, granted I had, had some practice in saying this to other people but each person was different and I hadn't told two people the same way. With John being a doctor the explaining should be a lot easier but I didn't see it that way right now. He was still a friend of mine and the news that was hard for me to hear had been equally if not harder for my friends and family.

It was John's voice that suddenly broke the silence that had filled the room. I was grateful for the break in the silence. "Anna something is going on with you, want to tell me what it is? It's not like you to just spontaneously show up unannounced in Chicago like this."

"I know," I find myself saying, yet the words were hard to find yet again as I struggled with an inner battle of how to tell those closest to me.

"You know you can tell me, if there's something I can do I want to help you out."

"I'd love to be able to tell you that there was something that you could do." My voice is starting to falter on me now.

"Does this have anything to do with you and Max splitting up?" I can sense the concern in his voice as he speaks.

"Yes and no," I pause awkwardly, "well more yes that no so I suppose it does." I am trying now desperately not to fall apart into yet another bundle of useless tears. I know the inevitable is coming but I do not know if I am ready to do this, if I am strong enough to do this. The thing that scares me the most is yet another person giving me that look, the one that you get when people know that you are going to die, they don't mean to but they look at you as if you are already gone, or that you are just another poor soul that there's no rhyme or reason as to why you are the one who is sick.

"Anna what is it?" He stops and reaches out for my hand now sitting across from me. I'm sitting on the edge of the bed and he's in the chair that's sitting next to it. "You know you can talk to me about anything.

I look over at him, I was not going to be able to not tell him, and I had come to Chicago with every intention of telling him. Words were hard to find right now, especially when I could hear the concern in his tone of voice. I take in a deep breath as my mind starts formulating how exactly I am going to tell him. But it was not like he had some right to know, this was a conscious decision to tell him. John was my friend, a close dear friend, whom I was going to be leaving behind. I didn't want all of this to come out of the blue and have him be sent just an obituary with my name on it and wonder why I did not tell him about it sooner. Yet I had waited so long to tell my friends, I had been dealing with this for so long on my own. Not exactly on my own, but with just my family and a few close friends in Philadelphia knowing about it. I started rocking back and forth unaware of my actions, as I start in, "I'm sick John," I say in a soft voice, "I've been sick for awhile now."

He looks over at me; his voice had become no louder than a soft whisper, "how sick?" I hear him ask, there's a sense of worry and fear in his tone of voice now as he is talking to me. "I guess what I mean is what is it? What has you so sick that you had to come all the way here to tell me about it?"

There is no other way to say it other than to just come right out and say it. I really couldn't dance around this or sweeten it up any to make the new less depressing or devastating; something like this it just couldn't be done. You could try and make jokes to lighten the situation but end the end no matter how you said it; it was the same bad news. In the end, I decided to just drop the bomb on him the same way it was dropped on me, "I have stage four ovarian cancer." I say with a heavy heart knowing that he would now know just how sick I really was.


	5. Giving up

_A/N: Thanks once again for those who have taken the time to review my story it's greatly apprecitated. So thank you airam4u and AbbyLockhartrocksmysocks. It keeps me motivated to keep going with it. There's more to come after this I promise, it is going to get a whole lot better, I know the first few chapters were kind of slow, but this is just the beginning, there's some twists down the road._**  
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**Chapter Five: Giving up**

The silence in the room was deafening now. I can see the shock and the loss on his face, as I am sure that it has now come to be seen on mine as well. Dropping that kind of news on some one was hard. I had learned over time that an illness like this was often harder on those who cared for the person that it was on the actual person who was ill. They could and had to come to terms with what was happening to them faster than those who were around them did. At least I had felt that I needed to come to terms with this, it was rather sudden to go from thinking I was a perfectly healthy adult to finding out that my body was silently destroying itself. I knew that my life was coming to an end, but yet it was those who cared for you, your friends and your family who would have to go on long after you where no longer with them.

John's voice finally broke that silence that had been filling the room, as if we had both been sucked into some deep black hole, "I don't know what to say Anna."

"It's okay John, sometimes there is nothing that we can say. Really I know, I've been down this road on both sides now." I find myself saying to him as I gently rolled my head around trying to work out any kinks that were in there, giving me a few more seconds to formulate the words in my head before actually saying them. "Saying sorry would seem patronizing and not saying anything makes you feel like you don't care. It's okay I understand, I really do." How true those words seemed to ring right now.

"I know," there is silence from him for a minute before he said anything else, "Anna how are you doing?"

I didn't mean to but a laugh escaped, "uh well I guess I'm honestly doing about as well as I can be." I say looking down at the ground more than at him, other than my own oncologist he's the first one who has asked me that. "Sorry that I laughed it's just that no one other than my doctors have asked me that. What can I say other than I'm coping, dealing, working through it."

"I guess that's good." He says I catch his eyes going more downcast now too, as if he's trying to hide the sadness that is in those normally sparkling brown eyes of his.

"It's all I can do." I say as I can feel the fatigue setting in again. I sigh softly, "do you mind if we just order from room service." I say softly now, "I'm getting that tired feeling again and don't know if I can haul myself out someplace."

He looks at me I am not sure if that's the look that comes when you know that someone is as good as dead and they give you that look like you are already gone, or if that was a look of sincere concern that was on his face. "Oh, please don't look at me like that John; I don't know if you are concerned for me or if that's the look that I'm already gone."

He blinks and then looks down, "sorry Anna. It's just that I am concerned for you."

"I know I'm sorry I can't help it when people look at me like that, it's hard at times to distinguish the two anymore." I say softly.

"But Anna, you're…"

Oh no here it comes, I've heard this speech one to many times and I can see from the look in his eyes that I am going to be getting it again whether I want it or not. So I quickly cut him off, in an attempt to spare myself having to hear it just one more time, "yes I know I'm fighter and that this is beatable." I say in a softer than normal voice, "but the thing is that it's not beatable anymore John, I'm past the point of holding out hope that some drug will end this and I can go back to living a normal life once again."

"You've given up then?"

"No," I start to explain, I feel like I have to explain it, not just to him but to my family and what few friends that now about this back home too, you can't just say that I've decided to stop treatment and not tell them why, even though no matter how you feel they just can't seem to understand why anyone would stop something that could save their life. But I knew better, the doctor inside me, the person who had seen and treated more than one end stage cancer patient knew that sometimes there was nothing that could be done and dying with some form of how you wanted your life to be was better than fighting until there that moment in time came when you life was over. "I haven't given up. I have tried the chemo and the radiation and now I have come to terms with the fact that this disease is going to kill me. I fought it with all the conventional therapies that they have out there right now. John, I want to be able to enjoy what life I have left now. I'd rather have a few less months that more time tied to my bed or constantly sick wasting away because I can't keep food down. For me this is the better option right now. It gives me some kind of quality of life and to me that's important. I can see my friends; I can enjoy my food I can move around and be outside in the sunshine. I'm not stuck in a hospital or at home all the time."

I watch him look down now he's pondering my decision too, and I'm sure that the physician in him can't accept that someone is willing to just stop everything like that, but it wasn't a decision that I reached lightly. I had thought about it over and over again, it ate at me, because I knew that once I made it there would be no turning back. It was the physician side of me that helped me to reach that decision; it was seeing what my patients went through that helped me to see that this was in the end what I wanted. I just wished that other people could see that and accept the fact that this is what I wanted. This is how I wanted to handle my disease; no one could live this for me nor take away the pain. I had to do that on my own. Even though I had an excellent support system in place sometimes I felt like I was battling this alone when no one agreed with me.

"There has to be something out there that you haven't tried. We can find something else, some therapy that doesn't involve chemo or radiation." He looks up and at me now for a brief second and then down again as if looking at me makes all of this even harder that once you can put a face to a disease it makes it even more real, "there's got to be some alternative out there and I know we can find it."

"I've looked and I've tried. You have to trust me right now, understand that I know what I am doing and why I am doing it," I say softly knowing that he was having a hard time with this, but then I expected that, "its not that I want to die John, god knows that I really don't want to, but its spread and it spread rapidly. The chemo barely slowed it down. I know that what I've told you seems like something horrible and it is, but please you have to understand that I didn't come to this decision lightly. I've been on this road for almost three years now; if there was something out there I would have found it." Its times like these that I wished that I could read minds, or maybe I didn't want to know what he was thinking part of me did. But then the other half of me didn't cause what if he was thinking that I was a total nut case. Which I wasn't for as sick as I had been I still had my mind completely intact. I was as sharp as I ever was. "John, I wish I didn't have to be telling you this, but it's what I have to face now, please just try and understand it see it from my side. This isn't easy for me, it hasn't been easy for a long time and there is no way I can make it easy for anyone. Telling my friends and my family has been the hardest thing that I have ever had to do in my life."

There is silence again from him and I am nervous wondering still what he has to be thinking. "I know you didn't come to it lightly." I watch him now as he's talking now once again actually looking at me. "It's just hard news to swallow, you're my friend and well I don't want you to die either. I respect your decision I really do; you know what's best for you."

Those words just blew me away. He was the first one to actually say that he understood and respected my decision. I felt touched that he would do that for me, and I could now feel the tears welling up in my eyes uncertain of how long I would be able to keep them at bay. "Thank you." I whisper out as they start to fall down my cheeks now.

Then I feel more weight on the bed as I realize that he has moved and is now sitting on the bed next to me. I can feel his arms pulling me into a hug as I cry even harder now, for the first time I felt like someone understood what I had been going through even thought he hadn't been thru it himself. "Anna, its okay you cry." I hear him say as he hugs me close to him, it feels good to actually have someone other than a member of my family to cry to, but I know without looking at him that John is crying right along with me.


	6. You truly are a friend

_A/N: Another thanks for those who have taken the time to review. I'm glad that you like it so far, but there's much more to come. I'm trying to frequently update so that you don't have to wait to long for the next installment of the story. So I'll stop now and let you all read, but if you like or don't like give me a review! I rather enjoy reading what everyone thinks.  
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Chapter 6: You truly are a friend**

We sat there and John and I had a good long cry followed by a good old fashioned heart to heart talk, something that we hadn't done since before I left for Philadelphia from Chicago, complete with a giant large overly cheesy pizza and a couple of cokes since neither of us were drinkers. From behind my very puffy red eyes and face I look over at John sitting there, who is now pointing at me hysterically laughing and trying not to choke on his pizza.

"What is so damn funny?" I ask him giving him that 'why are you laughing at me' look.

"You," there's laugher coming from him, "have," even more laughter now, "cheese," he's cracking up completely on me now, "all over you."

"Well I am glad that you find that so amusing Dr. Carter." I say tossing the first thing that I could get into my hands at him. "I never said I wasn't a messy eater. Especially when it comes to gooey cheese pizza that someone else has bought. You should see me when I get my hands around a cheese steak sandwich I am way messier than this."

"Well I am glad that you like the pizza Dr. Del Amico, I would hate to think that you have despised spending the evening with me. You know me though I am not one to turn down food when it's around, as long as you are happy right now that's all that matters to me." He said now taking a wiping his face off trying to rid himself of the collection of pizza sauce that was on his chin.

"No I haven't despised the evening spent with you." I find myself saying to him now, "since you were the entire reason that I came to Chicago in the first place. Yes I am as happy as I can be right now, I have always enjoyed spending time with you John." I stand up putting my stuff in the trash. "How about we go for a walk," I said moving around a little, "I think that I have gotten some of my energy back and would like to go down by the lake that is if you don't mind?"

Carter stood up and smiled, "you know what," he does this little bow to me with his boyish beaming smile to which I give him a small laugh, "I do not mind at all I would be my pleasure to escort you on your walk, I think that would be very nice."

I smiled, shaking my head softly, as he held out my coat for me to put on and seemed to take extra care in making sure that I was bundled up tight against the chilly Chicago night. I felt him then take my hand, "there you go, all bundled up snug as a bug in a rug. Do you have your room key?"

I nod back my response of yes as Carter leads me out of the hotel room being just as sweet and kind as I remembered him to be. We started to stroll down along the water's edge, not saying anything to each other but rather just enjoying the peace of the evening. I'm not sure what to think about all of this and the revelation that had come with telling him about all of this. It seemed as if I had just added yet another burden for him to have to carry upon his shoulders but if that was indeed the case, Carter sure was handling it quiet well. Handling it better than most of the people I had told and so far he hadn't buried me under a mountain of questions but I was almost certain that those would be coming soon too.

We walked along a little further, "what are you thinking about John?" I ask him rather hesitantly. The way that he was walking led me to believe that he was lost in some kind of thought, though I wasn't sure what that thought might be, I hoped he wasn't thinking about the news that I had dropped on him, but alas like everyone else I'm sure that is what was on his mind.

"Just thinking about how rough the last year has been, actually the last couple of years." He says his voice so soft and quiet I can barely hear him.

That threw me for a loop and I am unsure of what to make of it right now. Was there more to what had been going on than what he had told me, that and the fact that the letters had stopped about a year ago made me a little uneasy, had I burdened him with too much, maybe telling him had been a bad idea. It takes me a minute to be able to say anything. I wasn't sure how to approach any of this, being there for someone else right now hadn't been in the front of my mind but it seemed like he needed someone too. "How was last year rough John?" I asked him with a soft compassionate voice, I could be there for him as much as he could be there for me.

I could hear him sigh now as we continued walking along. As if he was seriously thinking hard about what to tell me and what not to tell me. "Do you remember when I wrote you and told you that Abby and I were having trouble? And that I was considering going on the medical mission. That Chicago just didn't feel right for me anymore and I needed to get away?"

"Yeah I remember, because shortly there after I got that letter from you in the Congo, then another from Chicago, the next from the Congo again and you sent that really cool African stuff around Christmas time. I was beginning to think that you were considering moving to the Congo there for a little while." I said as we walked. It was shortly after that, that the letters and emails had completely stopped coming from him and I had a feeling I was about to learn why.

"I was considering it there for a little while yes," I watch him lean back shrugging his shoulders before shoving his hands nervously into his pockets. "Well while I was there I met this girl and well, for the sake of making a very long story short, Kem, the girl I met, well she got pregnant. Okay, well that's not completely true that makes it one sided, it took both of us, but nonetheless we were expecting a baby," I was fixated on his voice as we walked. I didn't want to stop him while he was talking, "she came back to the states and we bought this house together. We were both very excited about the birth of the baby, and I was thrilled that she had decided to have the baby here in the States rather than in Africa. But something went wrong, and the baby ended up with a knot in the umbilical cord and was stillborn."

My heart broke for him right then and there, I knew from his letters that a family had been something that he had wanted for a long time; he just hadn't found the right person to settle down with and do it. We had sent letter back and forth from the time I left Philadelphia, writing each other at least once and month which with the internet turned into emails every couple of weeks. Granted I knew nothing about this person, he hadn't mentioned her to me before, the last serious person that I knew of in his life was Abby, yet I felt for John and the heartache that, that must have brought him. "Oh John," I was about to say that I was sorry but that just didn't seem like the right thing to say so I settled for the next thing that came into my mind "that must have been a heavy heartache for you." With all of this going on it made complete sense as to why he had stopped writing to me. I think I would have shut down for a time to if that had happened to me. I knew that when I got the news of my illness that I too for a brief moment in time shut the entire world around sinking into a denial while I tried to sort out which way was up. It wasn't the same as what he had been going through but I could understand a little more about my dear friend now.

As I looked over at him as we walked I could see the mist in his eyes from talking about this. "Yeah," I hear his voice that had become so soft, "first Mark dies, then things with Abby get all messed up and I don't even know how that happened, Gamma dies, Kem and I lose the baby we had wanted, she leaves and goes back to Africa even though I really wanted her to stay, and now here you are telling me that you are going to die too. Right now it just seems so surreal, I mean you are walking and talking and the only thing that says anything is wrong with you is those dark bags under your eyes and how pale you look. It was the same with Mark, reading that letter to everyone, being the one to drop that news, I lost my mentor when Mark died, you are…" I can hear is voice trail off but I give him a minute so that he can finish that thought with out me cutting him off or interrupting him, "You are my dearest friend, at one time I will admit I wanted more, but through everything that has happened you have been there. You've been a rock for me in what was a very turbulent time, someone that I knew I could talk openly and honestly with, if anyone understood, it was you."

I kick the ground now, that was an awful lot for him to have to bear, and all I had done was drop even more on him. I didn't know that things had gotten that rough for him or that any of that had happened to him and I thought that I was a friend. What kind of friend doesn't even know that their friend had a baby and it died? And what do I say to that, golly gee John, I'm sorry for being selfish here and feeling the need to tell you that I'm sick and dying. "I feel horrible John; I didn't mean to drop all of this on you right now. I didn't know you had so much." I had made a huge mistake in telling him about all of this and had begun to resent my decision to come here to tell him in person, to tell him goodbye the only way that I knew how. I really did feel as if I was being selfish about all of this.

I watch John stop and turn so that he is looking out over the lake now rather than at me, "no don't you ever feel bad about talking to me Anna, that the last thing I ever want you to feel. You have never thought twice about listening to me and I never want you to think twice about talking to me, no matter what it is that you need to talk about." I watched him turn again so that he was looking at me now rather than the water. "You are my friend and you always will be. I care about what happens to you and with you."

I look into his brown eyes now, so full of feeling and emotions that you didn't have to look hard to see, "I know John." I say to him my tone soft and even as I speak even though I am choking on my own tears again. "You are truly a friend."


	7. Talking never hurts

_A/N: Thanks for the reviews and to answer the question, yes Anna knows about Carter's drug addiction and the stabbing, I promise this will all become clear soon as the story unfolds, I just haven't gotten to there yet. _

**Chapter 7: Talking never hurts**

I had been in Chicago now almost a week and that was a lot longer than I had planned on being there. Carter had gracious; or rather demanding tell me that I was more than welcome to stay with him while I was in town. And it was an offer that once it was made it was expected to be taken up on. So I packed up what I had brought with me and let him take me over to his house where I would be crashing for the remainder of my visit to Chicago. I had planned on returning to Philadelphia a lot sooner than now thinking that I would just need a few days to spend with him, but it seemed as if Carter had a million and one things that he wanted to do before I left town that involved my participation. And I really had nothing that was pressing in Philadelphia right now so it wasn't like the extra days away from home were going to hurt all that much. After all I had come to spend time with him; it just seemed as if he really didn't want me to leave and go back home. And in the back of my mind I really couldn't blame him for that.

He did however blindside me one night while we were watching a basketball game that was on TV after one of his shifts, catching me completely off guard. A conversation that I didn't think that with previous conversations with John, that I thought we would be having, yet I found myself sucked into it, actually listening to him as he talked.

"Anna I talked today with an oncologist over at Northwestern." He said looking over at me as he took his eyes off the TV screen for a minute.

"You talked about me?" Okay that was probably the dumbest question I could have asked him, full well knowing that I was probably the center of the conversation. Yet the words had flown out of my mouth before I could catch them. Sometimes we were all entitled to saying that idiotic thing.

"Yeah I talked about you," I watch him start to rub his hands together, "of course not mentioning any names or anything because I wouldn't do that to you." He said, that gaze of his let me know that he was being quite serious about all of this.

"I wish you hadn't." I found myself saying, "It's not that I don't appreciate you trying to help but really John, there's not much left or avenue that I haven't explored. I thought that we had already talked about this." We had talked about a lot of things while I had been there, it seemed that everything but what was ailing me had come up and I think that was because we were both trying to avoid talking about it, there were after all only so many conversations you could have about something like that.

"They are starting up a new clinical trial that you would be perfect for. When I heard about it I thought that it might be something that you'd be at least willing to hear about." I hear him say as I can feel those eyes almost piercing right through me.

I sigh softly now, knowing that he is just trying to extend the inevitable. I don't blame him, because about 6 months ago I was still trying to do the same thing. "John," I say softly reaching over to touch his hand, "I don't want any more chemo. I'm done with that part of all of this. Thank you but no thank you."

I turn and my eyes meet his once more, there defiantly is sadness in them that I hadn't noticed before. But I am not willing to let go of my resolve to not have any more chemo. Then I hear his voice, "Anna would you please just this once for me, try what they have to offer? At least go in and talk with them, talking never hurts." There was a tone to that voice that was almost begging me to do this, to give it one more gun ho effort just for him.

I sit there thinking about it for a minute, the time I had left was indeed limited and I didn't think that I wanted to spend it attached to another IV line while they pumped those toxic chemicals into my body again. I know that isn't the way that I should be looking at it. When I thought about another round of Chemo that's what popped into my mind. All I could remember think about was how sick I had been after they had started the first round. The second round they said would be better but it wasn't. By the time we had gotten to the third round I didn't have any hope that this time I wouldn't be sick or nauseated, or stuck being tired and in bed. Five days on and then two days off, that was the schedule, I would spend those two days curled up in a bed sleeping or holding onto the basin, it wasn't how I wanted to spend what I knew were going to be my last months.

"John, you know that the cancer up until now has been chemo resistant." I find myself softly saying, "That if anything this is just going to make me sicker than I am now." I try to hide the fact that I had no more hope in conventional medicine fighting in putting this into remission.

I feel him now patting my hand, "I know that it will not be easy Anna, but this time I'll be there to help you through it we'll get you the best possible care, the best treatments that are out there and together my friend you will beat this. I'll be there to hold your hand this time."

Whoa, pep talk, I wasn't expecting that. I just wasn't and I didn't know what to say to this one. Mostly because I hadn't been expecting him to bring this up, or to be giving me some kind of 'come on do it for the team,' type conversation. I had heard it all before but there was something different having it come from John than from anyone else right now. I wanted to believe him when he said that I could beat this but the little voice inside my head was telling me something completely different, that this was indeed a hopeless case, that I had done everything that I could, that I should, and nothing had done anything to improve my situation. "John, I know that you want to believe that, and somewhere inside of me I want to believe that too, but I just don't know. I've done everything so far that has been asked of me by my doctors and by my oncologists that it just seems like it would be a waste of what time I had left to go back to being so sick again." I had to be honest with him with the way that I felt about all of this. For honesty seemed to be the only thing I had left right now.

"Anna, please, I know that I am asking a lot of you. And that I am asking you to go against your decision to not do anything. But this holds promise and isn't hope, no matter how small it might be something worth fighting for. The odds may seemed stacked against you right now and there in your mind you might not see that there is anything else that can be done, nothing different that what has already been done, but if I didn't think that this proved promising I wouldn't ask you to do it. Just go and talk to them for me please."

"Promising is one thing John, it actually working is another." I say softly now looking down at the floor "every cancer treatment out there seems promising."

"But if it works, and I have faith that it will work, it might just give you a shot at remission. And that is the goal that we are working for isn't it?"

"I know John, and I would love nothing more than to hear that my cancer has gone into remission." I say rather flatly now as I start to ponder all of this again, a decision that had been so firmly made now seemed to be wavering on a whim. This was in my mind nothing but turning me into a guinea pig for a drug company or a research firm. "I just don't know. I can't give you an answer right now, I need to think about it, at least sleep on it tonight and I can give you an answer in the morning." Which I knew meant that if I did honestly think about this I wouldn't be getting any sleep tonight for that would be the only thing that would be on my mind.

"That's all I can ask Anna." I hear him say as I started to walk up the stairs and toward the bedroom that he was letting me stay in "just give it some thought, some serious consideration. You never know this time it might just work. This might just be the answer that you've been looking for, that one extraordinary treatment that is the right one."

And just as I thought, I didn't sleep at all that night. His words kept echoing through my head, wondering, worrying, not wanting to let my friend down and add more burden on top of what he might have been already carrying. After all John was just trying to help the only way that he knew how. In all honesty what would giving this a try hurt. That was the part that scared me, cause I knew it would mean more time tied to those IV that's I had come to despise, having yet another port put into my arm or my chest where ever they could find a vein that wasn't scarred from the previous rounds of chemotherapy. In the moonlight room I found myself now looking down at my arms, scarred from the numerous needle sticks and the IV's that had infiltrated and blown from being used so much. On a more vain level, one that had never really bothered me because I had no qualms throwing on a baseball cap was going through the loss of all my hair again. I sighed thinking that was not a valid reason not to do this. That reason was too shallow even for me to accept. However the thought of being constantly sick and in bed was a valid point, at least it had become a valid reason to me.

I glanced up at the clock on the wall and the night had seemed to be going by so slow. It was a little after one in the morning and I was still fighting this internal battle over what to do, the same one that I had fought with myself coming to the decision to stop the chemo back in Philadelphia. What was I going to tell John in the morning? That was the one question that was weighing so heavily upon my mind right now. What was going to be the best for me? I had learned to pull what other people wanted out of making my own health care decisions, because I couldn't appease everyone no matter how hard I tried. This was something that if I was going to do it I had to do it because I wanted to do it.

Finally about three that morning I was able to get to sleep. I had reached that decision on what I thought was the best thing to do. The one thing that I thought would be the right step for me, not my family, not my friend, and not even for John, the one person who had been pushing me to do something other than just sit back and wait for the time to come when it finally decided to kill me. The thought of dying was one that had always been in the back of my mind. It had become reality when the second round of chemo had failed to work. I had found that I had resigned myself to knowing that what time I had on this earth was limited and right now after all of this, I didn't think that I could just roll over anymore and play dead. This had to work, it was my last shot at any kind of meaningful, or possible remission. Yet that haunting, nagging pessimistic persistent voice was there in the back of my head and no matter what I did or told myself I couldn't make it go away.


	8. That's what friends are for

_A/N: Here the next chapter, thanks for all the reviews, I will try to keep updating the story as time allows. If you enjoy it review it, if you don't like it let me know why too._**  
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**Chapter 8: That's what friends are for.**

I awoke that morning after Carter had left for work, so at least I didn't have to give him an answer first thing right off the bat. I made a pot of coffee taking my time and enjoying a leisurely morning. Which was something that I had become accustomed to as I sat down at John's kitchen table and flipped through the newspaper that he had left there. After a couple of cups of coffee and reading the funnies, I showered and dressed. I left a short note for him in case he got back to the house before I did, the last thing I needed was John panicked because I wasn't where he thought I would be.

I had returned the rental car a few days ago, so I was on my own in Chicago right now when it came to transportation but I had a fairly good sense of the EL and where all I could get with taking the train. I walked down to the nearest EL station and found myself heading for Northwestern's medical center. John after all had been right what could it hurt in just talking with them to see what they might have to offer in the form of different treatments that were not available in Philadelphia. It seemed every research center had the same studies as the others, but then many of them also had their own that their physicians were working on. I'd just have to sit down and see what was what and the options.

Nervous, oh was I ever nervous, meeting with different oncologists had never been easy for me, even though in my job it was something that I did constantly, might not have been with oncologists but I was constantly in contact with other doctors for consults on patients for various ailments that needed to be treated that fell outside my area of expertise. Yet there seemed to be something nerve-racking when it came to seeking out your own treatment options.

Thanks to John talking to them already, I didn't have to wait that long to get an appointment to talk with them, that and well with Stage four cancer waiting isn't much of an option cause you never knew when the tomorrow's were going to stop coming. For all I knew the cancer that had spread to my lungs would stop my ability to breathe in an hour, or in days, weeks or months. I headed down now to find something to actually eat. Now that I had my appetite back, who knew how long that would stay around too, especially if I started some new chemo that made me once again sicker than a dog. I tried not to think about it but rather just enjoy the day. I walked down towards the river in search of a hot dog vendor. Something about a hot dog right now was telling me that's what I really wanted to eat right now. A hot dog covered in cheese, lots and lots of gooey cheese. I was on some kind of twisted cheese fetish right now, everything that I had eaten over the last few days had some connection to cheese, John had better be careful or I might be making him go out and get a fondue pot, okay that was reaching a little it wasn't that bad, yet.

With the hot dog on hand I strolled down along the water front with no place in mind to go, just clearing out my head. There didn't seem to be a lot of people down there but then it was the middle of the day. I could see a few lovers strolling hand in hand and that made me miss Max a little, but still I couldn't ask him to stand beside me while I went through all of this, he deserved much more than what I could give him. Right now it was taking everything that I had to fight this and there was very little left over to maintain a relationship with. Not that I was happy being separated from my husband, but I was learning to make due with what life had given me.

Here I was doing things that I had resigned not to do when I was back home, none of my friends in Philadelphia had been able to change my mind about what I had decided to do, but in a week John had me completely reviewing the decisions I had made and thinking about different alternatives to it. Maybe Chicago just gave me a different outlook on life where things in Philadelphia had gotten stale again and the pattern had been too easy to fall back into. Whatever the case was, I was no longer second guessing my trip to Chicago. I was actually happy to be there, to see the friendship that John and I had still be there and to be as close to him as I was, or rather I had been made this burden a little easier to bear.

As I walked along the area became more familiar somehow in my wanderings along the water I had ended up back at County. Why there? I wondered to myself, what was it about this place that seemed to keep drawing you back. Even John after ten years hadn't been able to pull himself away from it. However, it was not like John needed the money that a more lucrative private practice could offer. I had left this place for different reasons, to see where an old relationship would lead, to be able to be back with my family that in coming to Chicago I had desperately missed. I wondered if Max hadn't come back into the picture when he did if I would have sucked it up and stayed. The answer to that I would never know now. But the thought of staying in Chicago now was in the forefront of my mind. I had seen my family, I would still be able to see my family, and over the years many of us had moved on to bigger lives as it was. I only had two brothers who remained now in Philadelphia the other four had sprouted wings and flown off to greener pastures.

"Del Amico? Is that really you?"

"Ah," I screamed as I about fucking jumped out of my skin when I heard the voice, snapping me from my world of thought. With my heart now in my throat from being startled I turned around to see who it was. The laughter that was coming from behind me gave it away however before I got turned all the way around. I cocked my head to the side as I looked at the man who had just spoken to me, the person who had just about given me a damn heart attack.

"Well that wasn't quite the reaction I was going for but it works nonetheless, how you doing kiddo?"

"I'll be better as soon as my heart leaves my throat and returns to my chest. Jesus Christ you scared the living shit out of me." I say that's the only answer that I am ready to give to him. I hear him laugh now as I stand there with my hands on my hips. I can't help but wonder what he's doing here rather than Seattle right now. "So what brings you to the Windy City?"

"Carol and the girls wanted to see Helen and I had some time off so we came." Doug said, "the girls are on some kind of semester break or something like that."

"I see and why pray tell are you not with them right now?" I looked around, "the waterfront is a little far away from them isn't it?"

"What can I say Carol's mother after all this time still really doesn't like me all that much but you would think that since Carol and I have been together for awhile, married almost four years, that she'd cut me some slack." I watched as Doug leaned against the railing that was there.

"Well don't feel bad there, my mother-in-law doesn't like me either, and I'm harmless." I laugh a little at that, "well I'm mostly harmless. She's just really holding a grudge against me now."

"How is the split up between you and Max going, any reconciliation in sight for you two?"

"Nope just waiting on the divorce papers," I have my arms crossed over my chest now and I am leaning with my back to the railing. "It's pretty much set in stone now, just have to have the judge sign it and then we can go our separate ways for now."

"I'm sorry Anna." I hear him say, "I know that you really tried to make things work with him."

"Ah," I sigh now again, "don't be sorry it's for the best really it is. How long are you going to be in Chicago?"

"A week," Doug said looking at me. He appeared to be taking a long look at me, as if he could tell that something was off but couldn't put his finger on it.

I flashed him a smile as if to say 'hey nothing's up', "a week with Helen, I'm sure the girls are tickled pink to get to spend that much time with Grandma."

"Why don't we go get some coffee," I hear him say to me now, "you look like you are freezing there little missy."

"Sure why not." I say now as I pull myself back into a standing position. "I have some time to kill anyway, can't think of a better person to spend it with than you."

"Ha," I hear him scoff at me now, "time to kill and me don't belong in the same sentence, who is the hot date with tonight there studs?"

"No hot date," I say as we walk towards the line of shops moving for a Starbucks to get in out of the cold. "I'm staying with Carter for a little while."

"Oh," his eyes do this little rolling action. "Hot date is with Carter."

We move into line to order coffee, "No it is not I am not dating Carter." I am getting a little more defensive than I want to be but I can't help it right now. "Double Vanilla Latte," I say looking over at Doug now. "Really we are not seeing each other like that."

I listen as he orders his coffee and then goes to pay for both of them, I am about to say something when it cuts me off before I even get going. "It's on me today." He said "my way of thanking you for all those letters you took the time to write to me."

"Ah, well that was just something I did because you were a friend." I say as we move to pick up the hot coffee when they finally get it made. "Really it's not that big of a deal Doug." We find a place to sit back in a corner where it's not so crowded and you can actually hear the other person who is talking to you.

"No but it was nice keeping in touch with you especially when I wasn't able to be with Carol and the girls, some of the things that you said to me really made sense Anna, you really are a good friend."

I sigh softly now wishing that was true, I hadn't told him the whole story either, I just kept writing the letters to him pretending that nothing had been going on that was wrong. It was just not something that you told a friend in a letter either. I couldn't tell Carter that way and I couldn't tell Doug that way either. "Thanks Doug I appreciate hearing that."

"Anns what wrong?"

"Jeez there Doug still calling me Anns, it's Anna… Ann with an A, you can talk you just can't type." I'm sure that my totally cheery disposition and the fact that I still had giant bags under my eyes that wouldn't go away was screaming out to people that something wasn't right with me, and I just didn't want to tell him right now, the last thing I needed was some kind of crying spree inside Starbucks. "What makes you think that something is wrong?"

"Okay well for starters you are in Chicago staying with Carter." He said looking at me, "that right there is a dead giveaway, that and the fact that you look like you have just spent forty-eight hours on call, and I know you are not working in Chicago."

"That obvious huh." I said with out thinking before saying anything.

"So what is it? Come on spill the beans kiddo what has you looking so horrible and has you hiding out in Chicago with Carter?" His tone was soft with me now gently poking to get me to talk. I looked down now at the table rather than at him. My body language was saying more than I wanted it to right now. "How bad is it kiddo?"

I rest my hands on my head, "its bad Doug." I find myself saying softly, "my worst nightmare type bad." I take in a deep breath, well as deep of one as I can get at this point in time hoping that I can get through this. "I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer."

"Oh kiddo," I heard him say as I felt his hand now resting on mine. "I'm sure that with chemo and radiation, probably surgery you will be okay."

"I've known about it for awhile Doug." I said looking down at the table where my hand was resting, "I've had the surgery and three rounds of Chemo plus radiation therapy. It's stage four."

"Oh Anna, how come you didn't tell me sooner. I could have tried and helped, or done something."

"I just didn't think that this was something that I could tell you in a letter Doug." My eyes drifted even further down and I sunk more into the chair slouching something awful.

"No you're right Anns." He said softly to me now trying to get me to look back up at him again, "its okay really I know now and that's all that matters. We'll figure something out, if that's what you want. Whatever you have decided to do, just know that I am behind you one hundred percent."

"Thanks studs." I find myself saying back to him, "I'm going to meet with the group at Northwestern day after tomorrow to see what they say. Carter said that they had some new clinical trials going and I am going to see if I can maybe get into one of those." As I speak I realize that I don't sound very optimistic about this but then overly right now I'm not.

"I get the feeling that it's not something that you want to do."

"I promised Carter that I would think about it, I didn't say that I would do it, but that I would at least think about talking to them." I look up at him now wanting someone's honest opinion about all of this, someone who wasn't family and wasn't a grown up doctor. "I need your advice studs."

"What on Anns?"

"What would you do?" I said realizing that, that might not be quite what I wanted to say, "well what I mean by that is, when I came to Chicago, I cam to say goodbye ya know I didn't want any more chemo or radiation, I am tired of being sick, I'm tired of being tired, I'm tired of being sick and tired." I say knowing that I am rambling somewhat but he doesn't seem to mind. "Then John mentions this and well it just seems like it would be wrong not to try it, to at least talk to them and maybe give it a go." I sigh again now, "I just don't want to spend what little time I have left if this doesn't work tied to the bed again like I was last time. I don't want to be that sick."

"No I can understand that," he pats my hand again, "come on you want to walk for a little bit?"

Starbucks had started to fill up and there were people everywhere now, what ever quiet we had, we were losing rapidly. "Yeah that sounds like a plan to me." I get up and follow him slowly out of the coffee house and back onto the street.

"I know it's kind of cold for us to be walking and talking especially with the way you are dressed, have you completely forgotten about Chicago and winter time?"

"Yeah I guess that I have." I say as we stroll again along the river, "I don't want you to be late for what ever time you were supposed to be back with Carol and the girls." I said meaning it. "If you are supposed to be doing something with them, then you should go and go do it."

"It's fine Anns." He said as I watch him pick up the phone, "but here let me make you feel even better." I watch as he dials the phone and I can only hear the one side of the conversation, "Hey Carol, yeah no I walked down by the river, bumped into Anna... no she's okay… do you mind… great yeah I will be back later…. yeah I love you and the girls too." I watch as he flips the cell phone shut, "Carol says to tell you hello, and that she'd love to see you before we leave Chicago again. But she knows where I am at, she can get a hold of me if she needs to, and you my friend can have my ear all you want." He reaches over and hugs me now, "because that's what friends are for."

I smile up at him from inside this big bear hug that he has given me, "yeah that's what friends are for."


	9. It's all in the cards

_A/N: Thanks for the reviews, keep them coming they're not hard to give. Here's the next chapter, enjoy!_**  
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**Chapter Nine: All in the cards**

Doug and I walked along the river for awhile until I couldn't walk anymore and had to sit down, that awful shortness of breath had caught up with me again. I sat there trying hard not to show it, but there are just some things that you cannot hide from another doctor, and I knew that he knew I needed to stop. We just sit there for a few minutes neither of us saying anything, words sometimes just don't come no matter how hard you want them to.

It was Doug's voice that broke the silence first this time, "Anns if you don't want to do this then you shouldn't let anyone change your mind, no matter how good of a friend they are."

I look down and then back up again, "you don't think that I'm giving up if I don't do this?"

"What I think doesn't really matter." There's softness in his tone that I had never heard from Doug before, "honestly this is your body and ultimately your decision. What I might think or want you do to is not really a factor. I will whether I agree with you completely or not support you the best that I can. That's my job as your friend."

"You know that I don't want to die," I said softer now as I relax against the bench that we are sitting on, "it's just that the chemo is hard, and I don't want to spend the rest of my time hooked to those IV's anymore." My voice trails off for a second as I search for the right words to say to get what I am feeling right now across to him, it's getting harder for me to breathe, right now I'm not worried about it though, it's not the first time that I have been short winded and it take me a little while to form the words, "but if this offers even a glimmer of hope, or a flicker of a chance, why should I not try it."

He's silent now and I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing for the once famous doctor intercom to be short on words. "Anns, okay I know that you need a sounding board right now, someone who isn't going to push you in one direction or the other. That I can try to do. Let's look at this for a minute, and I'm not trying to be condescending with you or make this decision seem any lighter than what it is." He pauses for a minute and I can tell that he is thinking about what he's about to say, but I appreciate the fact that he's honestly trying to be unbiased about this, right now I do need a sounding board, some who isn't trying to push me one direction or the other. "There are two clear cut choices here, to go forward with what ever clinical trial they have or to forgo any further treatment." Doug is being serious with me, and whether he knows it or not this is what I really need, "you know how chemo goes you've been there and you've done it. The clinical trial isn't something that's proven to work, it's something that they are hoping will work, but it has not been proven yet to work."

I look over at him, "yes I know that, I know it's not proven that's why it's a clinical trial." I am messing with my hands now as we talk, "but there have been a few successes with it, and who says that I won't be one of them, I'll never know unless I try but there's that chance that all this is going to do is make me sick again." I pause for a brief second, "just like all the others did."

"Well do you know the side effects that they have for the new trial medication?" He asked me.

"No not yet." I say telling him the truth, "and I won't know until I talk to them in a couple of days."

"Maybe you should wait and make the decision then," I hear him say, "because then you will have all the facts, just because you talk to them doesn't mean that you have committed to this."

"You think then that I should talk to them at least see what it is before making a firm decision then?" What he has said to me seems to make the most sense and has cleared the confusion that is in my mind somewhat, taking the wait and see approach might for now just be the way to go.

"Yeah that's what I think you should do, but then that's just my opinion." I feel him pat my leg.

I smile over at him, "how did I get two friends who are so damn smart?" I'm trying to lighten thing back up again, all the talk had gotten pretty heavy and just didn't seem like something right now that I want to keep rehashing. The tightness in my chest has gotten worse now and I'm not sure if it's because I'm tired or because there is something more serious going on. I'm leaning towards me just being tired after all I had done a lot of walking today.

"It's all in the cards my dear." Doug said with a laugh as he stood up, "Let me walk you back to Carter's so that I know that you made it okay, you still look pretty tired."

"You don't have to do that." I find myself saying unsure if I could really make it on my own; he had the tired part right.

"I know I don't have too," I hear him say as he puts an arm around me and starts us walking back in the direction of Carter's new house, "I want to."

"Who am I to argue with that?" I say as I lean a little heavier against him. I'm having a hell of a time breathing now standing up has made it even worse now and I'm clinging to Doug now for some support.

"You going to be able to make it back or do I need to get you a cab; it's still kind of a far walk back." He smiles at me, I can tell that he's trying to play off the fact that he's worried, "you might have made it this far out, but I don't know there Anns if you will make it all the way back or not, you look and feel like you are about to drop any second now."

The shortness of breath is getting worse as I try to walk with Doug, it doesn't take long before I feel like I am gasping for air, my chest is so tight and no matter how hard I try I can't get a decent breath inside me. I'm terrified now, it has never gotten this bad before, usually my chest got tight and I had to sit down but never to the point where I felt this bad.

He looks over at me, there's concern all over his face right now and I can tell that he's extremely worried, "Anna, you okay?" He says taking a step away from me, looking at me as if he can tell that something is going terribly wrong with me and it is.

I reach over grabbing for him, when I know that I have his attention, which wasn't hard to get since he was looking right at me, but I am starting to panic now. I bring my hand up to my chest, "can't," I gasp twice for air before I can get the next word out, "breathe," another struggle for air to get anymore out, "well." Something wasn't right with me and I had this sinking feeling that this wasn't going to pass on it's own like all the other's had. That with out some kind of medical intervention that I very well could suffocate. At least we had stopped walking because I knew that there was no way that I could do the two things at once, it was taking all the energy that I had just to try and pull what little air I was getting into my body. I feel my knees give way as every thing starts to go fuzzy, spin and get dark. I frantically grab for Doug as I feel myself going down to the ground. Then suddenly I feel a strong arm around my almost holding me up letting me go softly to the ground rather than drop like dead weight to it. Everything went momentarily black, I had this eerie feeling that I had just passed out, and I was so tired.

"Hold on Anna." I hear him say, unsure of what he plans on doing, for right now the only thing that I am even remotely aware of is how hard it is to breathe right now and that and the simple fact that I really don't want to die, not on the streets of Chicago. With every breath that I take now it feels like I am drowning, there is this feeling that there is water in my lungs and I so desperately want to cough but I don't have the strength or the energy to. I am getting sleepier now and feel my eyes drift closed; I fight again to keep them open. But the pull of the unconscious is too great, I have never felt sleep pull at me like that before. "Stay with me Anna; come on Anns you got to stay awake." I hear Doug's voice frantically calling at me as my eyes flutter shut again. "Anna!"

My eyes fly open at the sound of his voice and the gently shake that he is giving me but they don't stay that way for long, the darkness behind them is warm and inviting in its own way and it's hard not to want to stay there. The doctor inside of me is screaming at me to stay awake, the fight for life is screaming you have to stay awake, but my tired worn out body is screaming sleep Anna. Doug's protests for me to stay awake are fading into the background now and I can no longer keep my eyes open. Unable to catch my own breath, I find that the darkness is more comforting; I let my eyes now stay closed the darkness enveloping me as I drift into the void of nothing.


	10. Am I dead?

_A/N: Thanks for all the positive reviews, as always it gives me the motivation to keep going. Please take a minute and review the story. Let me know if you like the way that it's going, and if you don't like it tell me why so that I can try and fix what might be wrong. So I will stop typing now and let you get into Chapter 10 of The Only Thing Certain._

**Chapter Ten: am I dead?**

There's this annoying voice calling to me now, trying to pull me from the realm of quietness that I had drifted into. I don't want to leave it, but that voice it won't stop calling me, pulling at me, it's getting on my nerves and the only way to get rid of it is to do what it tells me to do and that is to open my eyes. I refuse to open them, that's my prerogative right? I don't have to open my eyes if I want to sleep, and I am very happy in the land of nothing that is there right now. Ah, there it is again, "Anna, open your eyes," I hear it say again. I really don't like the sound of the voice that is calling to me, it sounds rather frightening, scary, not the sound that I want to open them too.

Bah humbug I say to myself, there's no way that I am opening my eyes for some screaming banshee, and that's what that voice sounds like. It's horrible, enough to scare the dead, wait am I dead, no if I was dead I wouldn't be having this conversation with myself, or hearing banshee's, surely there are not banshee's in heaven.. Oh no did I end up in hell. That voice it had to be, I had to have ended up in hell.

Then the voice changes its different now, "Anns," that's familiar to me, maybe I'm not dead, that voice is not nearly as annoying as the other one had been, maybe I should open them. "Come on Anns let's see those eyes of yours."

I think about it a minute more now, the banshee voice seems to be gone. I try once to get my eyelids to go open but they are not listening to me, I just feel so tired, "that's it Anns." I hear the soft familiar voice saying. I try again, the room is bright and I don't like it, my eyes snap back shut.

"Come on Anns," that person just isn't willing to give up are they? I fight to open them now again but I really don't like the brightness of the room. I blink a few times then I feel it, there's a tube shoved, well it probably wasn't shoved, but that's how it felt in my throat. My hands fly up, I want it gone, it's extremely uncomfortable and the force of air that keeps going into my lungs not only hurts but this isn't what I wanted.

I feel two strong hands grab mine pulling them down and away from it, "sorry that has to stay in Anna."

Finally the room is coming into focus and I can make out the person who is talking to me, I really didn't like that. There's Doug by the bedside, Carter at the foot of the bed, and I put a face to the banshee sounding voice for on the other side of the bed was one Kerry Weaver. I should have known that was who that voice belonged to. I shake me head, god I wish I had my voice, I should not have this tube down my throat because I know that means that they didn't have my DNR, I wasn't supposed to be intubated. I had talked with my family about this before I usually I always carried a copy of it on me. I couldn't remember if I had my bag on me at the time or not. I remembered going Northwestern and talking with them, I had it then. Wait if Doug was the one that brought me in then they wouldn't have looked at in there because they knew who I was.

I try to convey with signs that I wanted a piece of paper and something to write with. My sign language skills are very rusty but Kerry finally catches on because I can hear her. "Anna you want paper?" I nod now thankful that someone understood me. She held out a pad and pen for me. In my scrawling handwriting, I ask why am I intubated?

"You had a plural effusion." I hear Kerry voice now, "we drained it but your sats were dangerously low so we had to intubate you. We left it in while you were unconscious."

I shake my head now, writing again, I want it out now. I watch Kerry look over at Doug, and they both look at Carter. They are not paying attention to me right now at all and it's pissing me off.

"Anna you aren't breathing all that well on your own yet, we could try to take it out but if they fall again we need to put it back in." Kerry said to me.

I scribble again; no, it doesn't go back in.

"It just has to stay in until your breathing improves. Your lungs were pretty wet from fluid overload." Kerry was looking at me now and not anyone else. I hear Doug and turn my head his direction.

"Anns it's just temporary." He said to me touching my hand, "you'll be fine when we get the fluid off your lungs."

I give Doug a look that says you are nuts and write once more. No, it comes out and it stays out. Get my bag now.

The three of them just look at each other and I'm about to start throwing things around if someone doesn't do something. Either that or I am going to remove that tube myself. Carter finally moves and I watch him reach under the bed for it. I take it and start to dig through it until I find what I am looking for; I thrust it out to Kerry. As I watch her read it. She sighs rather heavily, "are you sure that's what you want?"

I nod again, please don't question it Kerry. I was in the right frame of mind when I had it written up please remove the tube. My hand flies across the paper, I'm dying Kerry please just do what I ask. There are tears in my eyes now as I wrote that but I knew that it was the truth. I can't look at anyone in the room right now, knowing that they were all going to have a hard time with this, not that it was easy for me.

"Okay Anna, if this is what you want then I'll take it out."

"Wait Kerry, take it out, she can barely breath." I can hear Carter saying now.

"He's right Kerry what did she give you that is making you so willing to take that tube out when you know she needs it." Doug said.

Kerry handed the piece of paper to Carter who I watched in turn hand it to Doug whose face fell as he realized what it was.

"Give me a minute with her please," Doug said and I watched Kerry and Carter nod and turn to leave the room. When they had left he sat down on the edge of the bed next to me. "You know I said that I would respect your decisions when it came to your health care but Anna, are you sure you really want this?"

I nod I really can't talk to him with the tube in like

I would have like to. But he laid the gurney back now, "okay you know the drill." I hear him say, "on three," I hear him start to count. "One... two... three… blow."

I choke and sputter as the tube slides out of my throat trying to grab as much air as I can now. It felt much better to have it out, but the fact remained that I was moving very little air on my own. I can feel him slip the cold plastic of a nasal canula around my face and the little bit of air forced up my nose, it tickled a little but if that was all it did I wasn't going to complain. "Thank you." I manage to whisper out now to him.

He just nodded and sat back down next to me, "Carter is worried about you, you know that don't you."

"I know." I whispered to him, my throat was sore from tube being down it, "he's a good friend."

"That he is." Doug said to me, "but you are a good friend too." I watch him stand up now from the gurney, "I'm going to go and get him, let him talk with you for a few minutes. I have to call Carol and let her know where I am."

I nod as I watch him walk out of the room. A few minutes later I watch Carter walk in and come over and sit down on the gurney next to me too. I can feel him pick up my hand holding onto it. "It's okay John." I whisper out to him. "It's okay to cry." I return the advice that he had given to me. Yet, I watch him as he looks down and away from me. I can tell that he's upset and I really don't blame him for being that. I just don't want us to part on bad terms.

"You should rest." I hear him say.

That shocked me; I didn't expect to hear that from him, let alone him say it in such a cold tone. John had never been anything but friendly with me, and I had never known him to be cold to anyone. "Why John, why are you so mad at me right now?"

"You have given up," he says, I can't see his face because he refuses to look at me; "you are my friend Anna and you are giving up."

"John, look at me," I say to him now reaching up with my hand to try and get him to turn towards me, but he doesn't move. "I'm dying and I can't change that, I can't fix it, I can't avoid it. I don't want to die anymore than anyone else wants to, but I can't beat this. I've tried and I've tried and I'm tired. I'm tired of fighting that uphill battle where every time I turn around there is something else in the way, something else wrong with me. They told me when they first found it that it was advanced but that we could control it. I went through the chemo round and after round, hearing this time we'll get it and we never got it."

"Anna," he still won't look at me, "you can beat this, and you just have to fight harder, that trial at Northwestern that might be the one."

"Yeah it might, but it might not too." I say softly, "there are no guarantees with this; you can't say that they will put it into remission any more than I can say that it won't put it into remission."

"You never let me just give up and throw in the towel." He said his eyes shift towards me for a brief moment.

"John, that was different and you know it." I know exactly what he is talking about and it really wasn't the same thing.

"But you didn't let me give up why should I let you give up? Why should I give up on you?" There is a lot of bitterness in his voice and I do not like where this conversation is going at all.

I fight to pull myself up on the gurney a little more so that I can look at him, my hand goes to the side of his face and I turn him so that he is looking at me, "John, what happened to you is not the same thing. You were stabbed yes, ended up addicted to pain killers yes, but you were not faced with a deadly disease, your body was not bent on destroying itself from the inside out." I am trying not to be upset with him but this is hard on me too and I'm finding it very difficult to be supportive of him right now. "I am not asking you to give up on me, or to let me give up on me, because that is not what I am doing. I have accepted the fact that I am going to die, that is the only thing in this life that is certain. Every thing, everyone, eventually life comes to an end, for some live to be a hundred and some people only live seconds, I have been blessed with thirty five years and they have been good years, I wouldn't change my life or exchange my life for anything in the world." There are tears flowing down my cheeks now.

"Anna," I hear him start to speak now but yet I find myself cutting him off.

"John, please," I say my voice soft and quieter than it had been for I find myself getting tired. "I'm sorry but this is what I want, to let nature take its course and to not fight it. I'm sorry that you feel like I am giving up that I am asking you to give up on me too, but I just can't keep doing this anymore."

"I know." His voice is now as soft as mine is, "but can you blame me, I've never had a friend like you. We might not have started out like friends and granted there was a time that I wanted us to be more than friends, but when we couldn't be I still wanted you as my friend. I only want the best for you Anna that's all I want. I don't want to wake up and know that you aren't there any more. That if I need to call someone it can't be you."

"No I don't blame you for feeling that way." I say, "I'm honored that you think of me like that." My heart is being pulled at by him right now but I am determined this time to stand firm with my decision. "I know that you find it hard to accept and that you are probably not happy that I don't want to undergo all those medical treatments just because it might not be that one that fixes all of this." I wish I knew more of what to say to him, that I could get what I was feeling out into words better than I was but I was struggling with this. I never knew that saying goodbye could be this hard, harder than I ever thought that it would be.

He's silent now and I don't know what to make of that. It's actually making me nervous, very nervous. I don't know if he's waiting for me to say something more or if he feels like I do, that words right now just don't seem to do the situation justice. Feeling were very often hard to express in words, there might have been thousands of words in the English language but often the right ones were just too hard to find, or even harder to say.

"All I can say is thank you John, thank you for being my friend," that was the simplest and easiest way to say it, "my life has been wonderful here on earth and even better with you in it. It might not have been perfect but you, you are very special. My only wish is that you go and you find that perfect someone for you, who will listen to you, who can comfort you, who can be there for you and you grab her and you never let go." The hug that he had my in gets tighter, "yikes John." I say after a few seconds in this massive bear hug, "whoa, now I did not mean me. You can not grab a hold of me and never let go. While I might never be far from you, I can't be that special person in your life so just loosen up this hug a little bit before you squeeze what life is left in me out."

"Sorry," he says looking at me with those open brown eyes of his. Carter never could hide what he was feeling because it always came through somehow in his eyes. The eyes were the windows to one's soul and when you looked at Carter, that's exactly what you saw, ever emotion that he ever felt was right there for the whole world to see in his eyes all you had to do was take the time and look and you would see it all.

"I just need a nap and then I will be good to go for now." I say softly knowing that if I do go to sleep now that I might not wake up again from it, but all of this has been extremely exhausting and that's all that I want to do right now.

"Okay." There's the feeling of a soft kiss upon my forehead, I can see the lights start to dim and I really hope that is Carter turning them down and not my lights going out. "Get some sleep and I will come back and check on you in a little bit, I'm sure that Doug is still hanging around out there somewhere and that he wants to come back and see you too." I hear John say. As I can see the light coming in through the crack of the door that he has opened. Then there is nothing but silence in the room as I realize that I have been left alone. I close my eyes and drift off into a light sleep, maybe things would look better for everyone after I got some sleep, well for me it was going to get any better but it would give them all a little bit of time to adjust to what was going on.


	11. Wait One Minute!

_A/N: I am working hard to keep the updates coming. Thanks to everyone who has reviewed. Please if you like the story let me know. And if you don't like it well as I want to hear that too so I can improve._**  
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**Chapter Eleven: Wait one minute!**

I slept off and on for awhile in that sterile hospital room; ugh this was not how I had intended on spending the end of my life, if that's indeed what this was. I always thought that I would drop out in the middle of doing something that I loved. But I guess that even the best laid plans go awry when it's something that you can't control. Death unfortunately was one of those things, while it might have been something certain it was definitely unpredictable as to when it would strike. I had this sense that it wasn't going to be long, this eerie feeling that tonight was the night. I had been told by other patients that they had known that the end was near and I was now able to understand more of what they were saying. It was like this sick sixth sense that you had, that came to life in those final hours of your life. Yet I didn't want to think that these were my last hours on earth and that I was going to spend them sleeping. But then something inside of me wished that this wasn't going to be the end of my life, I still had a few things that I wanted to do, well felt that I needed to do.

During the night, Doug had sat in the room for awhile, as well as John with Kerry coming in periodically to check on me, I wasn't sleeping so sound that I could still tell when people entered and left the room. I wanted to go to sleep, sleep where the comings and goings of other were not bothering me, but that kind of sleep right now remained elusive. So I was stuck with the half-asleep cat napping at times sleep and when her shift ended there was a resident that took over. I was only half awake when the shift changed but I could still hear the voices in the room.

"How is she doing?" I hear followed by some gently poking a very cold stethoscope placed on my chest. Someone needed to teach these people to warm those puppies up before placing them on half-asleep patients. Because I am certain that it started my heart racing from startling me.

"Her sats are starting to drop, but she seems comfortable." Another voice that sounds like Doug although it might have been John I'm not sure at this point, because I just wanted to go back to sleep. Right now no matter how hard I concentrated I just couldn't figure out which male that voice belong too. My head was in a little bit of dazed fuzz, which I attributed to either being half asleep or the fact that my brain wasn't getting all the oxygen it needed to full function.

"How are you holding up?" The first voice says.

"As good as I can be considering everything but I know that I am doing better than Carter." It clicks now that the second voice is indeed Doug, although hearing him say that it was doing better than Carter, even in my fuzzy state was a pretty good tip off. I am starting to wake up a little bit more, but lay there with my eyes closed. Neither of them needs to know that I'm nearly awake.

"Yeah," the first voice says again, I can tell that it is a woman talking but that's about all since I refuse right now to open my eyes. It's not like they really need me to open them up right now anyway. She's not talking to me, but more to Doug. I have this feeling that if I do open them they will make me do something that I don't want to do or that they will find some test that they think needs to be done. I am good a playing possum, and I hear the woman's voice talking some more again. "I haven't seen him this upset in a long time. Well since Mark died."

"Yeah we all took that one hard." I hear Doug say, "she's going to be missed that's for sure. She was a good friend to us all and she was an excellent pediatrician."

That phrase does not sit well with me considering the fact that I am just trying to sleep, he thinks that I am sleeping, but I do not like being talked about in the past tense while I am in the room, let alone while I am still alive and kicking. He could save putting was near my name at a later date. "Now wait just one bloody minute!" I find myself saying as I open my eyes, "was a good friend, I'm still here right now, don't ya all be talking about me as if I am already dead cause I'm not. Well not yet at least." I let out a coughing laugh, there's more cough to it than laugh.

"Sorry Anna." I hear Doug say. "Didn't know that you were awake and listening.

I look over his direction, I'm not mad at him. I don't have time right now to be mad at anyone mostly because I wasn't sure if I would have the time to make up with anyone if I got mad right now, "ah you're cool with me Doug you always have been. I'm only half-asleep, wishing for full sleep." I give him a half hearted smile, "just don't let it happen again."

"Anna, I'm Doctor Lockhart," I turn my head and try and focus now on the person talking.

"So you're the Abby that I have heard so much about." I say between coughs now, which were starting to annoy me. They were part of the reason that I couldn't get to sleep, sleep.

"Don't look at me," I hear Doug say, "I'm not the one who talks about you. Granted you delivered my girls but hey it really wasn't me. Dr. Intercom is not guilty this time and I can't take credit for this one."

"John talked about you." I say, trying not to hack up a lung now.

"Are you in any pain?" I hear her ask me as she places that stethoscope now on my back.

"Yeah from your stethoscope being so bloody cold." I find myself saying "my chest hurts when I breathe." It was something that I had gotten used to up to a point but the pain in it tonight was more than I was used to and it was uncomfortable to say the least.

"On a scale of one to ten, where would you rank the pain?" I hear her ask me.

"I'd say it somewhere between a solid seven heading for eight." I look at her, a little more now the world starting to come back into focus a lot more now, "toradol will be just fine for now." I find myself saying, "I'd rather stay away from the narcotics if you don't mind."

"Yeah I think that would be okay." I watch her look at Doug, "another doctor that doesn't like narcotics, this place is full of them."

"Ah, well the good doctor there has a good reason not to like them. Don't ya Anns?"

I give him an eye roll now, "yeah but not the reason that you think." I try to pull myself up in the bed with very little success, after an attempt or two I feel Doug's arms under mine as he scoots me up the bed.

"That better?" I hear him ask.

I look up at him from my new position on the gurney, "yeah but a bed would be even nicer maybe a room that's not a part of the ER. Or does Carter have me down here so that he can be close by while he works?"

"I think that Carter is keeping you down here." I hear her soft laugh, "he seems kind of partial to you and won't let anyone other than himself, Kerry or I, be in here with you. He told Morris that if he saw him anywhere near your room he was going to be doing Pap smears and bowel disimpactions for the rest of the night. Although I don't think that you would mind Dr. Pratt taking care of you too."

"John told me about him." I said "in one of the letters that he wrote complaining about a new brash medical student that he had," I looked over at Doug, "he said that he reminded him of someone."

"Don't look at me; I was never a brash med student." Doug says looking right at me, "okay I was never a brash med student around Carter. He was my student not the other way around."

"I was going to say, Kerry paints a very different picture of you as a medical student." I point out to him.

"Now don't you take anything that she says at face value there Anns." He said reaching over and poking my arm, "she never did like me, at any point in time."

"You only grow on some of us like fungus." I say with a soft laugh, that's about all I can manage to muster right now, I'm finding it hard to stay awake again. But I wanted to, at least to spend just a little more time joking with them. My eyes are fluttering now between being awake and asleep again. Sleep when it came was always a relief but it didn't ever want to seem to come when I wanted it to, always when it wanted to. And my eyes just didn't want to stay open right now. It didn't take much before I was napping away again.


	12. You've got to be kidding me!

_A/N: Thanks again for the reviews! Seriously I really enjoy hearing what everyone thinks of the story. I am really putting my heart and soul into this one. And it has been one of the easier ones to keep flowing, especially with all the motivation from those who read it. Take a minute to review and let other's know that you are enjoying it. _

**Chapter Twelve: You've got to be kidding me.**

When I finally reopened my eyes my surroundings had completely changed. I thought for a minute that I still had to be dreaming but yet when I pinched my arm, okay god that was a mistake holy shit that hurt. I rubbed where I had just not two seconds ago pinched as I tried to figure out where I was at. This wasn't the ER, it couldn't be the ER. That familiar sterile smell was gone, the colors of the room where different and there was this eerie white glow to everything. Oh man I had died that's all I could think right now was that I had stopped breathing and had died after I fell asleep. I move around a little getting up from where I had been laying and walked towards the door.

There is something almost pulling me towards that door, almost as if it is beckoning me to walk through it. Doors normally didn't call to me but there was something different about this place. It might have been the white light that was giving off the soft glow making it very calming to be in or it might have been the fact that I had noticed that right now I am no longer having trouble breathing, which is a welcomed relief for me. It scares me a little but I'm sure that where ever, or what ever this place might be that it is okay to be there and I don't feel as if I am in any kind of danger right now.

"You don't want to go through that door yet." I hear a voice say from behind me. My hands start to shake a little as I am afraid to turn around. The voice seems familiar but I'm not sure it's not one that I have heard in a long time.

"Why not?" I ask slowly turning around.

"It's not your time." Well you couldn't get a simpler reply than that.

I turn around to look towards where the voice is coming from but I don't see anyone else in the room right now with me. "And how do you know this?"

"If it was your time I wouldn't be here having this conversation with you, I'd be waiting on the other side of the door for you to open it."

I shrug my shoulders, "okay that makes sense, somewhat." I'm still searching for where that voice might be coming from and who it might just possibly belong to. "But if I'm not supposed to go through the door and it's not my time, then why am I here?" I'm a tad bit confused as to what is going on, and I am thinking that maybe Abby did the morphine after all and it was seriously messing with my mind. "I have got to be dreaming."

"No you're not dreaming you are really here. I watched you pinch yourself, so I know, that you know, that you are awake Anna." The voice says to me again. "You have been chosen one of the many few to be a guardian angel of sorts."

"Now wait just a minute," I say really confused now, "you say it's not my time but that I am to be a guardian angel, angels are people who have died. What do you mean of sorts and just who am I talking to?"

"Well that's the of sorts part." I hear the voice say "nothing is cut and dry."

There's a flash of bright light that I have to shield my eyes from because it hurts so badly, my hand up across my face as I look towards the floor, "can we stop with the theatrics here."

"Sorry." The voice says, "I kind of like that part."

I bring my hand down and come face to face with someone that I would have thought I would never see again after Carter's letter. "Mark?"

"Yeah it's me." I hear him say as he walks a little closer and sits down, "come here sit down we need to talk."

"Okay," I say moving back to the bed, "but you know nothing good ever starts with the phrase we need to talk. Not one that you should use if you want people to talk to you."

"Well don't worry this isn't all that bad, granted I can't say that it's all that good either," He said looking over at me. There's silence in the room for a minute and I don't know if he's waiting for me to say something or if he's formulating what he has to say to me.

"So a guardian angel of sorts, what am I supposed to do, and then what if I don't want to do it." I say looking at him with my head titled to one side.

"All good questions. You really don't have much of a choice in this; see you have to do it." I hear him say "doing this isn't optional. I have to show you something." He puts his hand on my arm and the surroundings change in the blink of an eye.

We are back in the hospital, in the room that I was in, the only time is now Carter, Kerry, Doug, Carol, they are all in there and none of them look happy. I can see tears in Carter's eyes, and I can also see them forming in Doug's eyes. Doug has his arm around Carol holding onto her tightly. I can see the monitor and what is on it actually scares me.

"That's you." Mark says to me, "right now you are dying. What you have to do is going to send you back there and save you from coming up here, the task isn't going to be easy because they are two very stubborn people who don't know love when they see it."

"And I'm supposed to make them see it?"

"You always were bright Anna." He says to me with a smile, "that's exactly what you are supposed to do."

"Okay so I am supposed to get two stubborn people to realize that they are in love with each other and," I pause for a minute, this is rather lame and mushy not the kind of thing I normally go for, "get them to see that they are soul mates and that they belong together."

"Well that's sort of it, but they two are not in love with each other, you see you need to help them find their soul mates. The two people don't belong with each other each one of them belongs with another person. You are to make them see real love. They know what love is, but they don't know what real love is."

I cock my head at him again, "well at least in dying you didn't seem to lose your sense of humor there Mark dear but just who are these two people that I am supposed to guide back to well the right person then?" I ask now wondering just how the hell I was supposed to accomplish this task.

"That one you have to figure out on your own. I can't tell you who you are supposed to help, just that you are supposed to help them."

"What you are giving me this task to help two people realize that they have soul mates and you won't tell me who they are?" I am really confused right now and don't know what to think of this. I'll just ask someone down there to help me figure this one out.

"Ah, there's the catch twenty-two Anna, you can't tell them what you are there to do. Your friends don't get to know about this, they can't help you even if you did tell them. And you are not necessarily looking for soul mates here either Anna. True love comes in many forms you know that. You have felt real love at one point in your life and you need to guide these two people to that feeling which you had."

"What?" I say, "Okay first get out of my head like that, second how am I supposed to do this with out telling them about this and you aren't telling me who it is either?"

"That's where I come in buttercup." I hear another voice say as I spin around to see who was there now.

My mouth falls to the floor when I see who it is, "oh god you have got to be kidding me."

"Nope darling," there's an arm around me, "it's you and me babe we are going to work together and put love back together again."

I look now at Mark my eyes wide, "you're seriously kidding right I am not supposed to work with him of all people, what does he know about love?"

"Hey now there honey I know a lot more than you give me credit for." He says to me, I just shake my head, "what you don't believe me, you and I will have those two back together before you know it and then you can have your ticket through that door.

I totally roll my eyes, "okay but I know he's dead, so just how pray tell do I work with a dead guy," I try to get out of the hold that he has on me, "chill it there rocket, you are not flying with me."

"You'll be able to see him, to talk to him, but no one else will be able too." Mark said, "He's there to help you to guide you and to give you any extra influence that you might need."

"Great, this is just my luck, I have to reunite two couples, with a chauvinistic creep, who I barely know and well rather don't like. Whose going to be around but only I can see him, he can't like pop into my shower or something when I don't want him too can he?"

"Now, now you are taking all the fun out of it."

"Robert!" I say looking over at him, oh this is going to be a horrible working situation but I guess I don't have much of a choice.

"No he can't." Mark said, "Don't worry he's still just a short little man, he's harmless when he's armless."

"Hey now watch it there baldy." I hear Robert punch back as I laugh at the joke, considering John and told me all about the unfortunate accident and all that had happened, at the time I had felt horrible for them, but right now I was beginning to rethink that.

"And how much time do I have to accomplish this?" I ask wondering if there was some deadline.

"As long as it takes." Mark said, "Well within reason. But you suffering on earth for now will be over; I promise you that the treatment that John has suggested will work if you do it, at least for now. Close your eyes Anna, things will look brighter, you'll see."

I did what he told me and looked forward to the promise of the end of my suffering.


	13. Worry Wart

_A/N: Sorry that 12 was confusing but it wasn't a narcotic induced dream. It will all start to make sense here soon I hope as to why that chapter happened the way that it did. Thanks for all the reviews again. They are greatly appreciated. So keep them coming! _**  
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**Chapter 13: Worry Wart**

When I opened my eyes again I was back in the bed in the ER. There standing next to the bed was Doug, Carol, Kerry, and Carter just as they were before I had closed my eyes. There were still tears in everyone's eyes and I thought for a minute that I might have been dreaming. But as my eyes look around the room I know that I did have that conversation with Mark cause over standing in the corner smiling at me is Robert. I am not going to be able to get away from him. He's got this messed up grin on his face as he looks at me and I am trying to either ignore it or hide the sheer terror from it that is creeping across my face now as I fight to wake all the way up.

"Anna?" I hear Doug's voice say and see Carter now leaning over me, his face is just a little to close to mine for comfort.

"Yeah," I say in a very weak and quiet voice. There's not much there because I don't have the same ability to breathe as I did when I was talking to Mark. "Did I miss something important here?" Not that anything is going to lighten the mood in the room but I have to try.

"No Anns you didn't miss anything important." Doug said.

I can feel Carter's hand touching mine now; I turn my head so that I am looking over at him, "what did you think that you were really going to get rid of me that easily."

I feel someone sit down on the bed next to me on the opposite side of Carter and look over to see Carol sitting there, "you gave your boys here quite the scare there Miss Anna." I hear her say.

However my eyes drift back to that corner of the room where Robert is standing, I hear his voice but know that no one else in that room could hear him, and that made me feel a bit uneasy. "You rest up buttercup because we have a lot of work to do." He shoots me a wink and then fades from my sight.

I can't help but sigh now that was just my luck, out of all the people in the world that I get stuck working with, it had to be the one and only Rocket Romano. I had to get stuck with a womanizer.

"What is it Anna," I hear Carter say.

"Nothing," I whisper out, "I'm okay, just tired." I close my eyes for just a brief second as if to emphasize that fact. I couldn't say that there was a dead guy following me around that only I could see. It sounded strange to me to even be thinking it, and to say it out loud would probably get me a one way ticket up to the psyche ward under lock and key.

I feel Carol pull the blankets up over me, "you warm enough?"

I look over at Carol who is now being overly motherly almost protective, which didn't' seem to really bother me at all right now, I just felt to sleepy and wished that I could get a decent breath of air inside me. Going from being able to breathe freely back into a body that was racked with problems wasn't as easy of a transition as I thought it would be and you would have thought that one of the two dingbats that I had been with would have mentioned it to me. "Yeah I am."

"Good," she says as she pats my hand, "we want you to be comfortable."

"Don't fret." I find myself saying. "Really please you don't have to worry so much about me."

Then its Doug's voice that I hear, "sorry Anns, we are perpetual worry warts."

"Got that right." I say sinking into the bed a little more. I am completely uncomfortable and I don't know why but it just seems as if this bed is now as hard as rocks and with everyone staring at me I am getting more uneasy and uncomfortable at the time passes even though they are my friends.

I start to fidget in the bed as the uneasiness had started to grow, unsure of what to do with myself with them all standing there looking at me as if I am some kind of precious tiny thing that they need to constantly watch, to comfort. It's as if they are keeping watch over me to make sure that nothing happens, even if that something is out of their control.

I think that Carter notices that I am restless, if you could call it that, I am tired but antsy at the same time. "Anna you sure you are okay?"

"Yeah," I am still whispering, "I'm fine." My nose itches from the canula that is blowing air up it and it's starting to hurt. I reach up to scratch it but that only makes the situation worse.

I watch Carter reach back and turn the water on so that the air blowing up my nose is humidified rather than dry and will stop drying out my nose. He seemed to be taking extra care to make sure that I was fully comfortable. He just seemed so focused on me right now, rather touching yet painful at the same time. Seeing how much he cared pulled at me heart but I know had a mission and I was going to find the way to make this work. With or with out Robert's help. Besides how much help could he give me, he was dead. Just like I knew I was going to be eventually depending on how long this took. Mark's words still echoed in my head about my suffering on earth would be over.

I drifted back to sleep even with everyone in the room, I didn't think that right now anyone else would mind really if I took a nap, or even slept for the night if that was possible. The night had up until now definitely been weird, that much I could be certain of. I didn't even want to possibly think of what else could happen. Sleep Anna that was the first and foremost thing on my mind. With my eyes closed I knew that I would soon be entering the land of dreams and maybe just maybe I would get that good nights sleep.

Now once again, I found myself blinking as I looked around the room, "oh man not again." I found myself saying out loud to no one in particular. This time I didn't pinch myself because the last time I did that it hurt, really didn't want to relive that one again. There's Carter and Abby and I can see them as clear as day, wait it is day, this is getting too weird. "Robert!"

"Yes there buttercup." I see my least favorite, can you call him an angel, there had to be another name for him, Lucifer perhaps.

"What is going on?" I am not asking for an explanation I am demanding one from him, "I thought I was going to get some sleep." The more that I stand there the more that I realize that I am in a place where I can breathe again with no troubles, this has got to stop cause I know that in a few moments, or however much time it is that is going to pass I am going to be slammed back into that broken body of mine where I have to struggle for everything.

"Oh don't worry that body of yours is resting, you however, my dear beautiful angel have work to do."

"Enough with the come on lines Robert," I say, "I'm not your girl to toy with. I'm not into dating dead guys."

"Well buttercup," He says shrugging his shoulders, "I do not like being a dead guy who has to help you play cupid."

"Why am I keeping you from chasing some vixen there Lucifer?" Oops now I am just plain being mean. I can't help it though, it's not like he was ever a nice man, not that I personally knew of.

"Ah buttercup just keep the insults flying, I know it's because you like me." He grinned over at me.

I sigh heavily, most because I can right now, "what's going on Robert?" I asked again softer more polite this time thinking that it might just get me somewhere with the man who was once a very arrogant surgeon. "Why are we here right now?"

"There's a part of Carter and Abby's life that you need to see before you can start to work on fixing getting them back together. What you have isn't going to be an easy task for they have both moved on to the wrong people. You just haven't seen it yet."

"What it's Carter and Abby that I have to help find love?" I say looking at him, Mark had been so vague and now here Robert was giving me the answer.

"Well one of the people is Carter and it just happens to be Abby that he loves, but you see…"

I find that I am cutting him off, "so they aren't the two people? Wait there's someone else I have to find? Well why don't you just toss me in a haystack?"

"That's mighty tempting buttercup."

"Ah, you are the most frustrating little man that I know Robert!" I am almost shouting at him now.

"Yes I know but I also know that you like it."

"No I really don't." I say back to him, "So are you going to tell me who this other person is?"

"No, you are on your own on that one buttercup."

"And you are supposed to be helping me. You are so not helping me." I put a lot of emphasis on the word not as I speak to him now. He has me so infuriated that if I could I would reach over and clock him behind the head. But then I'm not so sure beating up an angel would score me any brownie points.

"Okay, back to the task at hand here buttercup, since you so nicely cut me off, women they get so distracted. Carter has his eyes on a woman named Wendell; she's a social worker in the hospital. You don't know about it yet because Carter has been so preoccupied with you that he's pushed her to the back burner to focus on helping you right now. Abby has Jake, a young med student whose only been in the ER for a little while and just started his surgery rotation so he's not Abby's student anymore." Robert said looking down a little, "buttercup I don't envy you on this task. I wish that there was a lot more that I could do for you but, you for the most part are going to be on your own."

"Hey wait what do you mean I am going to be on my own?" He's fading now from my view as if I am just supposed to sit back and watch this and not question anything, "Don't you chicken shit out on me Robert Romano!" I am frustrated that much I can feel and understand everything else is confusing very confusing. I however turn my attention back from the fact that my, oh calling him a helper just doesn't seem right and not matter how hard I try I can think of Romano as an angel either. But I now find myself focusing on Carter and Abby.


	14. Mission impossible, hurt and heartache

_A/N: Okay going to take 2 seconds here and thank those who have reviewed, Jacinda, Brynnifer, pairsskatingrules, joweja, Catherine, AbbyLockhartrocks my socks, airam4u, Anna, Alibee, Rox88, sandy, NaomiP and the reviewer only known as reviewer… thanks to everyone who has taken the time to review, it means a lot to know that you are liking the story. Here's the next chapter for you all. I love reviews so keep them coming._

**Chapter 14: mission impossible, hurt and heartache**

It's almost like this is some kind of flashback, I can barely hear them and I know that they can't see me. I try to make out what they are saying and I am catching bits and pieces of the conversation between them. I can see Carter playing with something in his pocket. It's a box, the kind of box that can only hold on thing. Then as it almost slips out of his pocket she answers his question and it goes back in.

Now I am watching Carter talking to a woman who he keeps calling Maggie telling her how he feels about Abby, this is getting to be weird I feel like I am intruding on Carter's life. I am wondering if somehow acid didn't get slipped into my IV by mistake cause this has that acid trip feeling to it, not that I had ever done that, but these visions that I was having, it appeared to be unfolding as if it wasn't really real. There was a strange sensation however that I was indeed watching the events of the past unfold before my eyes, and I was nothing more than an innocent bystander

Again just as fast I am in the ER, listening as Abby gets the news that her brother is missing. Carter has left, I hear her explain that he's on vacation and that she doesn't want to call him back. But then I blink and we are in someone's apartment from the looks of it I think it's safe to make the assumption that it's Abby's apartment. The place reeks of alcohol and there's an open bottle sitting on the kitchen table. I watch him walk in setting down his bags and I can see the look on his face almost as if he's disappointed by what he has come home to.

Now we are in the ER again. Carter's got a very short temper today and I have no idea why, I watch Kerry come into the trauma room where we were at giving him that horrible news and I watch his face change. You can tell that he's heart broken. Blink of an eye again and he and Abby are now in the hallway she's explaining that her brother's been found and that she has to go and get him, this is before Carter gets the chance to say anything about his gamma to her. I can tell that he's upset about the fact that she feels the need to go get her brother rather than be there and help him thru this, from what I have seen and I hate to even think it, but it seems like the relationship is now in serious danger.

There's another flash of light and now I am standing outside at a funeral. I see Carter and his dad, family friends, and Abby is there. The entire thing is interrupted however by her brother and a giant mishap; oh my, this is not looking any better. I am beginning to feel as if I have been given a mission impossible. As I think that I can hear the theme from the movie start to play, "okay Robert you are so funny." I say rather sarcastically, "get the hell out of my head."

All goes dark for a minute and I realize its cause we are standing outside the ER at night. I can see Carter walking away from the ER, Abby running after him. I can hear them talking but the line that sticks from him is, "it's not Rio but it's not here." I get the feeling that he's unsure of things, feels like he's trapped and in uncertain territory and needs to get away.

Then there is this loud boom and flash of bright light, I realize that I am shaking and that it's a mortar that has just exploded not that far from where I am standing. I am not like this, I feel panic start to set in, but before my eyes now Carter and the other man that I had seen in the lounge are frantically trying to save a child. They do what they need to and we are now running through the jungle.

Daylight again, the sun is so bright in my eyes that I have to bring my hand up to shade them from the glare of the sun. What I see tears my heart into two, for Carter is on his knees with his hands behind his back and a gun pressed into his forehead. These are the small details that he never told me about in any of his letters but the picture of what he's been through is starting to take shape. That's why I have to see all of this so that I can understand the forces that I am up against.

Darkness falls and we are back in Chicago and I can hear the rain falling against the window pain. He's walking with his bags up some stairs and back to what appears to be yet again Abby's apartment. I watch as he sets his bags down by the door and then walk into the room, where he does nothing but sit on the edge of her bed and watch her sleeping, there's a tear in his eye that escapes and rolls down his cheek. The experience in Africa has changed him that is as plain as day right now. It is her reaction to him that shocks me, and I find my head shaking when she asks him for her key back.

Time starts to speed up and I am seeing just brief flashes now of what is occurring, but enough of it that I can still get the bigger picture that I am supposed to be getting. Worried about these two now and the way that things had gone downhill, the mistakes that he made, the mistakes that she's made, granted there are more mistakes on his part, but they both have enough baggage from their past that is quickly sinking their small ship. It's up to me to bail the water out and try and get it to float again, although I really don't know how I am going to do that.

I'm back standing once more in the ER, looking at myself sleeping, "do you see what you are up against now buttercup?"

"Yeah Robert I do." I say softly, "mission impossible, or so it seems, they both have so much hurt and heartache there that I don't know," my voice trails off for a minute, "why do they want me to do this?"

"That's a good question." He says as I can feel his hand on my arm, "you are like me." I hear him say which brings my gaze over to him.

"How is that so?" I have to ask.

"You had love, you felt love, but you let love slip away from you. Granted the reason you let it slip away from you were reasons that were unselfish, to give him a chance to love with out the loss. Admirable even I have to admit that." His tone is one that I have never heard from him before. "It's your relationship with John that makes you the perfect candidate for this Anna."

I shake my head, "I don't think I can do this Robert." My voice is soft and shaky as I think about all that I have just seen, watching it from a third person's view made it just seem even more daunting than when I had first agreed to try and do this.

"Nothing is impossible buttercup." I hear him say now, "I have faith that you can do this. They have faith that you can do this."

I shake my head even more, "then they have more faith than I have right now."

"You just need to believe in yourself, trust your friendship with Carter and help him, help her see what a beautiful thing that the two of them have turned their back on." He said patting my arm now, "buttercup, you have a heart of gold, compassion is one of your greatest strengths and you have always put your friends and your family before your own needs. What they ask of you now, it can be done, you just have to draw on your greatest abilities and listen to your heart to do this."

"You make it sound so simple." I sigh now. "This is far from simple, I have been asked to mess with two people's lives, to people who have drifted completely apart and make them see that it was a mistake for them to do that. They seem so happy apart, why should we mess with that, what gives me the right to try and change something that they have both come to seem at peace with?"

"I can't answer that one buttercup." He says looking at me. "But there's a very good reason that you should and in time you will know that reason yourself." He looks at me softly, "think it all over and I'm sure that you in time will know what you need to do and how you should do it."

I find myself nodding, "I'm sure that you are right." That is all that I can muster to say to him right now.

I am finding it hard to believe that a man who was so cold in life, could be so, what was the word I was searching for, compassionate now. He was giving me the impression that he really did believe that I could do this and what we were doing was the right thing to do. This was going to take all that I had if I was going to make it work, for Abby and I were far from friends, we barely knew each other. I had spent years developing a relationship with Carter, granted we had, had a relationship of sorts before I had left Chicago. Abby and I, that was a completely different story, she wasn't at County, at least not that I knew of when I was working there and I never had the chance to build up any kind of friendship with her. I was going to have to start from the ground up here and see if I could be friends with my friend's ex-girlfriend and somehow manage to get Carter and Abby back together again. Mission impossible it might have seemed, but somehow I would find the way to make the impossible, possible.

"Now close your eyes and rest buttercup." I hear him say as he runs his hands over my eyes, "for tomorrow is a brand new day and things are never what they seem here or there."


	15. Doctor Doolittle

_A/N: Sorry that this update was so long in coming, but I have been buried under my homework and family obligations, but here it is._

**Chapter 15: Doctor Doolittle**

After spending that night and most of the next day in the hospital they deemed me well enough to finally leave, which was a good thing cause I was supposed to meet with the people over at Northwestern about the clinical trial that John had set me up for. With a portable oxygen take in tow, Carter wasn't about to let me leave with out it since my breathing wasn't all that great and he wasn't overly happy with my sats, Doug volunteered to go with me. We sat and listen and I pondered what they were saying even though my decision had already been made, with a little help from a friend.

We got everything set up and I braced myself for yet another round of chemo. I had to go into it with the mind set that this time it was going to work, I couldn't find myself doubting that or I would never survive it. Two days later I found myself checked into the hospital with Carter and Doug both there. I guess they thought that since I had two hands to hold that there was enough of me to go around. I couldn't complain really they were both my friends and we had as a group been through a lot together and that this was just one more thing that we were going to be going through. This time I wasn't alone, I had the boys there to help me.

"Okay both of you just stop it!" I find myself now frustrated with the two of them, they were overprotective and babying me way to much right now and it was starting to grate on my nerves. Doug had just fluffed my pillow for the eighth time since I had gotten into the bed, and Carter was searching for yet another blanket because he deemed it to be to cold in there for me and he didn't want me to get sick.

"What Anns?" I hear Doug say as he looks at me, "Just want you to be as comfortable as you can be right now."

"Yeah that's the problem," I give them both the look of death. "You are smoothing me, you are here to hold my hand nothing more, touch that pillow again and I will shove it where the sun doesn't shine so far that Carol finds it a month later." My eyes shift now over to Carter, "and if you put one more blanket on top of me, I will wrap you up so tight in one that you don't find your way out until the day after Carol find Doug's pillow." I hear them both start to laugh a little now as they look at each other and shrug their shoulders.

"Sorry Anna." They both say in unison.

I roll my eyes at both of them unsure of what to say for neither of them seemed to sound overly sincere with that, maybe it's because they both know that those are empty threats that I would never hurt them consciously. However I don't say anything about it I just sink a little further into the bed and find my hands messing with the IV line that the nurse had already started in preparation for the upcoming chemo.

They are both silent now as the nurse comes in with the IV bags. I sigh softly as I watch her start the lines. I would have five days of this and then I would get two days off. If I didn't end up with some unlucky and unfortunate side effect from this I would be considered lucky and I didn't trust my luck. I would be here until they finished laying on the bed, and probably within the next hour have my head over an basin trying not to throw up the contents of my stomach, if I was lucky it would wait and strike within the first few minutes that I got back to Carter's house and I would end up with my head in the toilet again. Which got me wondering just what kind of housekeeper Carter really was.

"Basketball game Anns?" I hear Doug ask as I watch him holding the remote. "University of Washington is playing today you want to watch the game with me?"

"Yeah sure that's fine." I respond back my head resting against the pillow now as my arm starts to itch some. I didn't say anything just curled up more onto my side. I look up as he turns on the TV, trying to get into the game that was on. Doug and Carter seem to easily get lost in it, but my mind is everywhere else right now other than where I was. I close my eyes for a brief second but that doesn't seem to do anything but draw my attention back to my arm that is now starting to seriously hurt. I look over at it, and I can clearly see why it hurts like there's no tomorrow, the site has once again decided to blow. Most of my veins are shot or sclerosed from all the other chemo treatments. "Would one of you boys go and get the nurse for me?" I ask in a soft voice just barely loud enough to carry over the television.

"Is something wrong Anns?" Doug asks as he turns away from the TV.

I hold up my hand which is really starting to swell up from the fluid accumulating under the skin as I reach over and stop the flow from the IV. I really don't need it getting any bigger on me. "IV blew." There is no emotion in my voice, mostly because I know that this means that I am going to have to be stuck again, and I was running out of IV site options right now. They could if needs be use the port that had been put in awhile ago, actually I wish that they would just use the port since that's what it was there for. Maybe I would get somewhat lucky and the nurse would just use it. She might actually listen to me when I say that small phrase you know I have a port.

My eyes drift back to down away from my swollen hand now as I watch as he gets up from the chair and walks over taking my hand into his, "yeah it sure did." He looks at my hand a little longer and then up my arm a bit, "you don't have much here to work with anymore do you?"

"Thanks for that observation there Dr. Doolittle." I say looking at him rolling my eyes, "no I don't have much left," I pull my hand and arm back away from him, "but then you don't have to start the new one now do you?" That was definitely a rhetorical question and I sure didn't expect an answer back from him.

"I could start you a new one." He gave me this off the wall smile, "I'm really good, I have the midis touch when it comes to starting IV's. Comes from working with those kids all day long."

"Thanks but no thanks." I say rolling my eyes, "just go get my nurse would you. Before I am half tempted to take care of this situation myself."

"Are you always this feisty?" I hear him ask me.

"Only when you are around. If you don't want to get her for me then I will just hit the call button." I snapped back at him even though I didn't mean too. I tended to get a bit grumpy when I was doing this sort of thing and I felt that I had every right to be grumpy and not the most pleasant person to be around but then I shouldn't be taking it out on Doug and Carter after all they were just there as support, it's not like this was something that either of them had caused or could have any control over.

"I'm going." I hear him say back there was a flatness to his voice and my immediate reaction is a feeling that I should apologize for snapping at him but I just can't bring myself to do that right now. Surely somewhere in there he has to know that I don't mean anything that I say right now personally. But even before I can get anything out I see Doug head out of the room and disappear from my line of sight. I look over and Carter is looking at me, but when he sees that I am looking at him he looks away as if he's afraid to say anything that might earn him the wrath of Anna.


	16. You look a little green

**Chapter 16: You look a little green**

Several hours later the first round of this round of chemo has worked its way into my body and I am tired and not feeling overly well right now. I'm not sure if I want to curl up and fall asleep or if I need to curl up and puke in my sleep. I look at Carter and Doug when they have finished unhooking everything. The nurse had to use the port that was under my skin. I had told her I had, had it but she thought that she could use an arm vein this time and just leave the IV catheter in. I knew from the start that, that wasn't going to work but couldn't argue with her, granted I was the doctor and she was the nurse but still she wasn't a nurse working under me so doctor or not she was bent on not listening to me.

My eyes are still on both of them now in a soft, tired and very sick sounding voice; I muster up the strength to ask "can we go home now?"

Doug puts his arm around me seeing that I am really wobbling on my feet right now and probably very green as my stomach has decided that it is going to just constantly roll. "Yeah, we'll get you home." He says back to me. I think that he can honestly tell that right now I'm barely holding onto my stomach contents. He leans over and whispers in my ear. "Carter brought the jeep; I think he needs a new interior upholstery look." He gives me a classic Doug grin as he helps me walk along.

"Yeah that might just happen yet." I say trying to not pay attention to everything spinning which is making my stomach feel even worse. But I know that things are only spinning because my stomach is in knots.

"Ah it will be okay Anns." He says in a low voice kissing the top of my head now, "get you home in a warm bed, little Compazine to settle your stomach should help too."

We walk outside and Carter has the jeep waiting near the front doors so I don't have to go very far which is a nice thing right now. Doug helps me in and then climbs into the back sitting next to me. I lay down because I don't want to watch us move, I know that's probably only going to make things worse than what they are now. The drive back is rather silent, okay that's mostly because I am too afraid to open my mouth, saying something right now could have very disastrous effects on Carter's interior. I have my eyes closed now as I feel the car finally come to a stop.

"We're here." I hear Carter say and then the sound of the jeep doors opening. I think about opening up my eyes but the knots in my stomach are something that are a force themselves to be reckoned with. And I find that I really don't want to open my mouth to say anything but manage to emit a low grunting noise. This has taken feeling horrible to a whole new level for me. I feel two arms around me as I am scooped up from the seat and I feel as if I am almost floating through the air. The jostling movement is not doing much for me right now either. We stop for a second and my eyes are still fully closed, then we move again. I think we are going up the stairs right now but I am not sure and there's no way in hell that I am going to look to see where we are at. A couple of seconds later I know where we are as I feel the soft bed underneath me again and my head ends up resting upon a pillow.

"There you go Anns." I hear Doug voice say as I can feel the covers being pulled up around me, "got you all tucked in. Are you doing okay," there's a pause there for second; "you look a little green."

My eyes fly open as the full force of the nausea hits me. I bolt from the bed about taking the two men that are there with me out in the process. Oh I hated this part because it was hitting me now with a vengeance all of its own. I hit my knees sliding across the bathroom floor in my mad dash. My head instantly goes where it needs to as my stomach revolts and I end up emptying its contents as the tears start flowing down my cheeks. Well there is a Brightside to all of this, Carter knows how to clean house.

I hear someone else moving around in the bathroom but I don't lift my head from where it is at. I don't think that my stomach is quite ready to give up and behave yet. There's something wet and cold against my forehead now and it feels pretty good. "Here Anns." I hear Doug say as if he knows just what to do, what I need right now. He gently pushes my hair back so that my blonde locks are no longer hanging precariously around my face.

"I'll run and get the Compazine." I hear another voice, Carter's voice say, "Can you stay with her?"

"Yeah I got her Carter." There's a softness to Doug's tone that I have not noticed before and there's something about the way that he's being so tender and compassionate with me right now that puts me at ease, gives me something calming to hold onto.

"Okay I'll be back in a minute," there's a minute or two that passes before I hear the footsteps leaving the bathroom.

My hands are firmly holding onto the sides of the porcelain goddess right now. I don't think that there is anything left and now my body is racked with gagging and coughing noises. There's a hand on back and I can feel him catch me as I fall back away from where I am. He just holds onto me as we sit there and I cough and gag some more.

"It's will be okay Anns," I hear him say, "I'm going to take care of you, we'll make it through this."


	17. You're not going to be Alone

**Chapter 17: You're not going to be alone.**

By the end of the week things hadn't improved much in the way of me feeling any better after the chemo infusions. Carter had to work today so it was just Doug and I at Carter's house after they had finished and I had spent my daily routine in the bathroom on the floor. We were sitting there now as I waited for my stomach to settle down some more.

"Don't you have to go back to Seattle?" I asked between gagging fits.

"Carol and I are thinking about moving back to Chicago." He said softly, I was still in this half hug pose, he using ended up holding onto me until everything settled down, and it always never failed to have this calming effect on me. Made things seem not so horrible.

"Really?" I asked as my body finally decided that it was going too completely calm down and my stomach not be in knots, the Compazine finally doing its job.

"Yeah really." He said looking down at me. "I think she'd really like to be close to her mom on a more permanent basis, and I think I have pretty good odds at getting a job at County again. If not there are other hospitals and I know that the one in Seattle would be willing to give me a good reference."

"Are you sure that's what you want." I say as I start to pull myself up off the floor and head to get back into the bed.

"As sure as I can be." I hear Doug's voice behind me as I climb into the bed laying down now.

"That is a pretty big move on such short notice." I say.

"I know," I watch as Doug pulls up the covers as he talks to me, "but it is what Carol wants, what I want and I think that it would be good for the girls to be near their grandmother and see her on a more regular basis."

I find myself looking down now as I am talking, fingers fidgeting with the edge of the blanket, "and how much of this decision has to do with me being in Chicago and being sick?" I hated to ask but felt the need to.

He gives me a smile, "you don't factor into the decision."

"Oh I don't?" I find that one hard to believe.

"No you don't Anns." He said looking at me as if his eyes were going to say believe me Anna I'm telling you the truth.

"And if you hadn't bumped into me down by the lake, would you still be thinking about moving back here?"

"Well," ah there's that pause that let's me know that he's thinking carefully about what he's going to say. "Yeah probably Carol and I would have still have thought about it, we think about it every time we come to Chicago."

"I see," I look down and then back up, my eyes darting everywhere but looking at him, "damn it Doug don't you know you are the worlds second crappiest liar."

"Second crappiest huh," He said sitting down on the edge of the bed, as if we are headed into a very serious conversation. "Who gets the title of first?"

I laugh softly my head falling back against the pillow, "well that title goes to Carter." I say "he can't lie with a rat's ass to get himself out of anything." I give him a soft smile now, "he wears his emotions on his sleeve he has since the first time that I met him."

"He's been that way since I first met him when he started his rotations at County." Doug said looking up as if he was thinking back, that seemed like an eternity ago, it seemed like an eternity had passed since I had been in Chicago and meeting Carter for the first time.

"Why does that seem like it was so long ago?" I find myself asking.

"Time flies I guess, it's hard to believe that it's been eleven years since Carter started his rotations at County." He said softly looking down now rather than at me anymore. "Life just has this habit of getting away from you."

"That it does." I nod in agreement with him. "Doug really what if I wasn't here," I ask my voice is so soft right now "would you want to stay in Chicago."

"Oh Anns," he says looking back up at me, "Carol has been wanting to move back here for awhile, she missed Chicago something awful but I know that she stays in Seattle so that the girls and her and I have a family." He said no looking back down, "you being here well it just makes it seem like there's even more reason to give into her argument to move back. It's not just you; I'm not doing this just for you, but for them too."

I smile up at him, "because you know that I am not going to be here forever." Oh saying that one hurt.

"Don't say that Anns." His voice is a little firmer with me than it had been. "You are going to be around for a long time. This is just a minor set back you know that don't you?"

"That's no what I meant Doug." I say looking at him as I take his hand into mine, "what I meant was that I don't think I'm going to stay in Chicago."

"I didn't think that you would once this was over." He said looking down, "but Chicago is a lot closer to Philadelphia than Seattle is."

"I don't know if I want to go back to Philadelphia either." I find myself saying to him.

"What not go back to Philadelphia?" Doug had a look of surprise upon his face. "Girl that is in your blood."

"The only reason I went back in ninety-eight was to be with my family." I said looking down now, "and when my Dad died, the boys scattered and now one of them and my mom are living in Hell."

Doug breaks into hysterical laughter on me, "hell oh god you are kidding right?" He gives me this look like I am full of it.

"Doug, seriously my mother lives in Hell Michigan." I just softly shake my head now, "no offense but I really don't want to be the only Doctor in hell."

I hear him still laughing at that one as my eyes dart over toward the door thinking that I heard something, there standing at the door with a frown on her face was Carol. She walks into the room, "you are not going to hell." Carol says looking at me now with a very stern look on her face, "so don't you be talking like that."

Doug and I both just look at each other with smiles on our faces trying not to laugh as I look up at Carol now with this giant smirk on my face, "I was telling Doug that my mother moved to be with my brother and they just happen to, well they live in Hell," I pause for a minute as I realize how this must have sounded coming from me, "Michigan."

Carol laughs a little now, the stern look fading from her face, "oh your poor mother." She said now standing next to the bed, "Carter wanted me to bring this by."

That gets my attention until the smell hits my nose and my stomach protests, "oh no." I say throwing my hand over my mouth knocking Doug off the bed as I bolt once more for the bathroom. Food and I don't get along for the first four or five hours after I did the chemo.

"Did I do something?" I hear Carol ask as I start once again retching into the porcelain goddess for the third time today.

"No you're fine, she just doesn't do food for awhile yet," Doug said, I can hear them talking in the other room, "Carter should have known that and warned you."

I can hear him walking back towards the bathroom but for some reason this time with my foot I push the door closed. I'm not sure if it's the fact that someone else has now seen me at my worst or if I am just upset that I have to be in there again throwing up. I just know that right now I feel horrible and I don't want to be around anyone. I found that I went through cycles of wanting people around and needing to be alone. Right now I thought that I wanted to be alone, this hurt so bad, the combination of coughing and gagging up air, the soreness of the chemo site, just overall in general I felt horrible, I hadn't felt right since the first day that I had started all of this so long ago.

"Anns?" I hear Doug's voice calling through the closed door.

"Go away!" I yell as the gagging starts again. I don't like this and right now I want it to end.

"Anns, come on let me in." I hear Doug's voice again. You can tell that he's trying to be patient with me but right now I don't care. I'm tired I'm sick and I'm the one in the bathroom puking up my lungs.

"Just go away." I yell again, it's taking to much out of me right now, I'm crying, nearly sobbing now, this has to end, I don't know how much more I can honestly take.

There's silence for a minute, the only sounds are the ones coming from my body. The constant coughing now, the gagging, the sobbing, I'm losing control of it fast and everything is coming crashing down on me. I can't breathe, it feels like I being buried alive under an emotional avalanche and I can't get it to stop, god how I want it too. I want my life back; I want control over my body back.

"Anns, baby," his voice had a pleading to it but I chose right now to ignore it, I had too, I just couldn't think of anyone else right now.

"No go away." I sob out this time, I can't yell, my voice isn't there anymore. "I'm not doing this anymore." I am nearly choking on my own tears now. Everything hurts, it's caught up with me again and I can't escape it. I can't ignore it anymore. "Please just leave me alone." The resolve that I had been hanging onto by a thread has snapped. For the first time since I had started to deal with this I find myself giving up. I have lost the will to fight this anymore.

I am curled up in a tight ball now in the corner of the bathroom sobbing. Then there are those arms wrapping around me. Holding onto me, rocking me back and forth but I can't stop crying. I try but they just keep falling, my emotional wall has given way and everything that had been pent up just came out all at once, there was no holding back right now. There's a second set of arms holding onto me from the other side too. When I needed them the most my friends were there for me.

"It's okay let it all out Anna." I hear a voice say, the voice is soft kind and soothing, but I know it's not Doug's. Both Carol and Doug are now in there with me both trying to keep me from being alone. "We're here you're not alone and you're not going to be alone."


	18. I'll be alright

**Chapter 18: I'll be alright.**

"Come on Anna." I feel them lifting me up off the floor. My legs had gone numb and I felt horrible right now still even after crying so hard. Doug scoops me up as if there is nothing to me carrying me to the bed, I can see Carol looking at him and she has a very worried look on her face. My stomach is still killing me and I am really lightheaded.

"I don't feel so good." I say softly curling up on the bed. My head against the soft pillow my eyes drifting half shut now, I just feel funny overall. It's this very weird feeling. One that I can't put my finger on. Something just feels off, really, really off but I don't know what it is and I don't know how to explain it to either of them.

I can hear them talking between themselves right now.

"She doesn't look right Doug."

"I know it could just be that she's still not feeling well from the chemo."

"No there's something else not right, but I don't know what it is."

"She just looks tired and after that can you honestly blame her, she's been through an awful lot."

"I think we should take her in, if anything she's probably dehydrated from being so sick."

"She wouldn't want that Carol."

I am half tempted to break up this little conversation about me, but I am nearly asleep now, whatever is wrong with me I'm sure that it is nothing that a little sleep won't cure. Okay what's wrong with me nothing will cure, but I'm sure that I will feel better after I get some sleep. This has been a very exhausting day for all of us, but mostly for me.

"I'm not going to take her in against her will."

"I'm just saying that it might be best right now Doug. What if she is dehydrated, she'd need fluids and it's obvious that she's not keeping anything down right now."

"Maybe we should just give her a little more time. After all she just went through chemo her stomach is upset and she's nauseated that's normal after something like that. They gave her fluids at Northwestern."

"Call the oncologist then Doug."

"And tell him what?"

"That she's not doing well, emotionally and physically there has to be something that they can do to help her right now."

"And what if we are both just overreacting and this is nothing Carol?"

"She's our friend Doug, we should be watching out for her."

"And do you want to spend tonight sitting by her bedside at County?"

"If that's what it takes then yes I will, but as her friend we can't just sit by and do nothing."

I am laying there now fighting to stay awake as I listen to the two of them bickering over me. I try and fight to pull myself up into a sitting position, right now it's a tough task, a feat in itself that I manage to do it. "Stop both of you." I look and try to focus as both of them are now looking at me. "I'm fine and I'm just a little tired, both of you can stop obsessing that anything serious is wrong right now. Yes I am sick but I just had nuke juice pumped into me, it takes me a little while to bounce back from that."

Doug is now sitting on my right side and Carol is sitting on the left side. I shake my head looking back and forth between the two of them. I can see the worry on Carol's face and there is a hint of worry on Doug's face although it's not showing nearly as much as it is on Carol's face right now. I wish that I knew what to tell them but they both had reason after that breakdown to be worried. I knew that I wasn't doing well and that it was starting to show in more ways than one.

"Are you sure that there is nothing wrong Anna?" I hear Carol ask.

"Would you trust me to tell you when there is something wrong?" I ask back looking at both of them.

"Yeah I do," Doug was the first one to answer me.

The silence from Carol let's me know that she really doesn't trust me, but then she doesn't know me as well as Doug does. "Anna sometimes we don't always want to admit that something is wrong with us, that we don't feel right." I hear her say, "I know that you would let us know if something serious was wrong, but in all honesty I am really worried about you."

"Carol I'm just tired, I am very tired." I say looking at her, "that's all it is right now." I say softly in a very quiet and sleepy voice, "I'll be alright in a little bit I just need to sleep some of this off. I'll eat when I wake up." Oh man I shouldn't have even thought about food, because I can feel that churning sensation in my stomach, "really I'm okay." However I know that I am saying this more for their benefit than because I want to get the truth out. Neither of them seems satisfied with my answer and I wonder if I am talking to myself.

"I don't know Anna you just don't look well, something is off you can tell that just by looking at you."

I sigh now as I am frustrated as to what to tell them how to reassure them that I am indeed alright. That this will pass if they would just let me get some sleep. Finally an answer comes to me. "If it will make you feel better call John at County and have him bring home a bag of D5W you can use my port and then you won't have to worry about the fluid issue, but really I just want to go to sleep that's all I want."

"Okay I will." Carol said getting up and heading over to the phone.

I roll my eyes at Doug there's almost this beginning coming from them, "can I please just go to sleep now and know that I am going to wake up right here where I am now?"

"Yeah Anns you can." Doug said, "I promise you that we won't take you anywhere unless we absolutely have no choice."

"No Doug that's not what I asked." I say softly as my eyes are fluttering shut, "I want to wake up right where I am now."

I can hear him sigh, "Yes kiddo, you will wake up right where you are now."

"Good," I say as I finally am able to drift off to sleep knowing that I am being watched over by two sets of very overprotective eyes.


	19. You get no second chances

_A/N: Okay I know this story has seemed rather grim and that it's been sad but please bear with me, there's a better road ahead, she's wallowing right now but she will make the right choice, we hope! Hey, I can't give things away now can I, where would be the suspense if I told you what was going to happen. The bad is almost behind her, after all the bad there comes the good. Please keep reading and reviewing I am doing a massive update tonight giving you all several chapters._

**Chapter 19: You get no second chances.**

"Anna," I hear a voice calling me.

"Anna," there it is again.

"Go away, I'm sleeping." I say to whoever it is. I refuse to open my eyes for anyone right now; I remember being tired and wanting to sleep although I don't feel as tired as I had been what felt like moments ago.

"Open your eyes and look at me." I hear the voice say again, "you don't need to sleep while you are here, and you are going to get enough rest don't you worry about that but we need to talk."

I growl very loudly at the voice, "If you want to have a conversation with me, its best not to start it off with we need to talk."

"Sorry but we need to, so open those eyes of yours before I have to do something drastic and you will not like it."

That sounds foreboding and I seriously think that I might want to consider doing what the voice is telling me to do. "Fine," I say as I open my eyes and sit up, "what do you want to talk with me about." I blink a couple of time, okay this is getting old, I'm back in that same room with that door that I am not supposed to go through yet but for some reason I keep coming back here.

"You've gotten a little off task and it's my job to bring you back on track. I know that what you have to do seems rather difficult but you need to find the way to stay focused." He says to me, now that I know who it is.

"It's only been a few days and I have been sicker than snot thanks to the chemo what would you have me do, I can't work on what I am supposed to be working on while my head is inside Carter's porcelain goddess, sorry Mark but I can't reunite true love and throw up my guts at the same time," I know that I am being rather sarcastic with him but I am also telling him the truth.

"Have you even thought about it, or tried anything yet." He asks me.

"No I haven't Mark, my god you went through this come on you of all people should know that it's not easy to focus on something after having this done to you." Okay that might have been a little mean spirited but he should know what I am up against more than anyone else. He should be the person who can cut me some slack.

"Yeah, sure I can understand what you are going through Anna and I can totally relate to it, but you have a mission that you are supposed to be working on and it seems like you have other things that are on your mind." He said sitting down next to me.

"Well today I did," I say looking over at him, sighing softly, "I want to give up I really do Mark, I can't keep doing this, I just can't it's too hard."

"You can do it Anna." I hear him say "you have more strength inside you than you know you do. You are a very strong woman and today you faltered but you are still standing in the end and that's all that matters."

"Barely," I say, "I scared Doug and Carol today." I look down now rather at him, "I didn't' mean too but it just snowballed on me and I snapped, Mark, I snapped." I can feel the tears forming in my eyes again.

"It's okay," he said, "you needed to get it out and that's understandable, but you also need to remain focused on what you are supposed to do too. You can take the time to feel when you are done."

"That seems a little cold and callous there Mark, that I'm not allowed to feel things now, I'm not used to keeping things bottled up inside and not having anyone to talk to. Here you expect me to do this but yet I can't tell either of them what I am up to, I can't tell anyone what I am up to."

"You have Robert to help you do what you need to do; he should be the only one that you need right now as much as I hate to say that, but it's the truth." Mark says to me patting my leg now a little. "I know it's hard on you, we never said that this would be easy and there is nothing in life that ever is easy."

"Yes it is hard and I am trying Mark, I am really trying but what if I really don't want to do this anymore." My voice is so soft right now I have been giving this some serious consideration since my break down in the bathroom this afternoon.

"Do you really want to give up Anna?" He asks me.

"I don't know," comes my honestly reply. "I've been thinking about it a lot today."

"You have to be certain, absolutely certain that you want to give up if that's what you want because once you make that choice there will be no turning back." He said, "You will get no second chances."

"What happens if I decide to give up?" I ask him, "does it have something to do with that door, will the outcome change as to what's on the other side of it? Am I dooming myself to some horrible fate by giving up?" I am full of questions right now.

"No Anna, what is on the other side of that door will not change if you decide that you need to give up." He said softly, "for you have earned what is on the other side with the way that you have lived your life. That can never change." He looks over at me, "but when you decide to give up and you make the conscious decision, not just by saying that you want to give up but by giving up in your heart as well as in your mind, the that door will open and you will be expected to pass through. You will leave all your earthy wants and wishes behind as well as your friends and family."

I nod understanding what he is saying, "so when I give up in my heart and my mind then I will surely die."

"That is what will happen." He said, "I can't promise that it will be painless." He looked over at me to make sure that I understand everything he is saying to me and that I am taking everything in, "but that's what in the end will happen. Just know that the choice is yours to make and when you have had enough then you and only you can decide that."

"I understand." I say to him, "I don't want to let anyone down."

"Anna you won't be letting anyone down." He said softly, "Just try and do your best that is all that anyone asks of you or that anyone expects from you. You are not a miracle worker, right now you are only human, and humans can only do so much."

I reach over and hug him, "thank you Mark." I say softly.

"You're welcome." He says hugging me back, "now once again you need to sleep, you have a lot of thinking and work ahead of you if you decide that you can do it. If not I'll be here waiting, but you need to make that decision yourself. Think long and hard before you chose Anna."

I feel him laying me back down onto the bed and tucking me in. The sheets feel cool under my skin as my eyes drift shut once more, something isn't right, something just doesn't feel right.


	20. I am not babbling

**Chapter 20: I am not babbling**

It feels like I am burning up now, the room is so hot that I can't stand it. I can feel the sweat running off my body soaking the sheets that I am laying in. I knew that something wasn't right. It's too hot, much too hot. I can't get cool, I try pushing the blankets off me but there are none on top of me, I need to get cooled down that much I know I can feel that, my body is screaming at me to cool off.

"Hot, too hot," I mutter out loud now not knowing if anyone is there. My head feels like it is in a giant fog, everything is cloudy, all I can feel is the heat coming off my body and I want it to stop, I don't want to feel this hot. The tub if I can get to the tub then maybe the cold water will fix this, at least then I won't feel so hot. I struggle to sit up. I'm not a home anymore. I feel confused and disoriented; nothing is where it should be.

"Doug she's awake," I hear a voice, but I don't know that voice do I? I kind of do, it's familiar in a way but not enough that I can place what it would be doing here in my house. Doug, what is Doug doing at my house, he shouldn't be at my house. Have a lost touch with reality. Maybe I have. No, surely I would be insane, maybe I am hearing things and that's what it is.

"Anns?" I hear Doug's voice.

That is Doug's voice I would know that voice anywhere. But what is he doing here? I have to ask myself for now I am very confused and I'm not sure what is going on. And still eating at me is the fact that I am too hot. That is the thing that has now once again been pushed to the front of my little mind. "Ah," I half moan half scream as this agonizing pain goes ripping through my body. It feels as if I am being split into two right now, tears start to roll down my cheeks I can feel them the cool contrast of the tears against my hot skin makes it hard not know that they are there.

"Her port is infected." I hear Doug's voice say. "She's getting septic."

Something from the tone of his voice tells me that is not a good thing, but I am finding it hard to think straight, I'm finding it hard to think. Nothing is making sense but I have made up my mind that I want to get cooled off and the best way that I know how to do that is in the bathtub or the shower whichever I can manage to find first. But I'm suddenly tired and I don't want to move, when I move things hurt, things hurting just isn't a good thing for me right now. Maybe I will just stay put and go to sleep again.

"Anna," I feel a hand upon my face, "Anna, come back to us."

Come back to us, I wonder where I have gone.

"She's not making any sense right now."

Of course I am. I am making perfect sense. Don't blame me if you can't make out what I am saying, maybe you need to have your hearing checked.

"Do you want me to call 911?"

There's that female voice again, wonder why she wants him to call 911, everything is under complete control.

"You'd better and tell them to get here fast." Doug's voice again and his tone seems, well I'm not sure how that tone seems. "Do you think we could get there faster ourselves?"

"I don't know we might be able to, can you get her to the car?"

I don't need your help to get to the car I am perfectly capable of getting myself there thank you.

"Yeah I can."

Whoa, I am floating now. I can't help but giggle it feels funny to be floating in the air.

"Anna, come on honey stay with us there kiddo."

I am with you, what are you talking about, could you please make sure that I don't float into anything.

"Carol, get the door."

Oh that's Carol that I have been hearing no wonder the voice seems familiar. Wait I'm not floating anymore. I think I am going to be sick because I feel like I am flying now rather than floating. I'd rather be floating if you don't mind. No maybe I'm not flying that sensation has stopped, I'm not moving anymore I don't think. Yes I am there it is I'm floating again.

"I need a room."

Are we at an inn? Oh I hope they have a swimming pool because I really could use a dip in a pool about now, it's so hot today did summer come early?

"Abby it's Anna again."

Oh Abby that's the woman that Carter has been telling me about in all those letters. He always makes her sound so sweet.

"What's wrong?"

Oh nothing is wrong don't you worry none, I am absolutely fine, haven't felt like this in a long time. Do you know that I am floating?

"She spiked a fever about 30 minutes ago, her port is infected and I think she's getting septic. She's been babbling incoherently for awhile now."

I am not babbling, I am making perfect sense, really I am. Why does everyone think that I am babbling, oh look at the pretty bright light, could you turn it off its really bright and it's bothering my eyes right now. No, well really you should think about being nice to people there's no reason for you to be mean like that.

"Yeah I can see what you mean. Anna can you hear me?"

Of course I can hear you, I'm not deaf. I'm a little warm but it's getting better. Do you think that I could just go home and go back to bed, you see I am pretty tired and there's really nothing wrong with me.

"Whoa, Anna lay back down."

Oh but I really don't want to lie down on this hard bed thing that you have put me on. Can't I just go home really please there's no need to push?

"No Anna really you need to lie back down honey."

Oh I am so going to honey you. Don't you dare call me honey cause I'm not your honey, where's Max, does he know that I am here, please do you think that you could call him and let him know that I am here. Really I think that my husband should know that I am here after all the way that you all are talking about me makes me think that something serious is going on, hey stop pushing I am laying back down. Hey now don't you be poking me with nothing, ouch that hurts do you think that you could not do that to me right now. Would someone please listen to me for a minute?

"She's really out of it."

"Doug should we call Max, after all she's asking for him, but is she really asking for him?"

"Yeah I think someone should call him, this might be serious."

"Okay I'll make that phone call."

"Thanks Carol, hey Anna squeeze my hand if you understand me, we are going to call Max for you. Right now you are very sick, we can treat this right now so you hang in there."

Where am I going to go, you won't let me up. You are going to call Max that's great thanks I really appreciate that. What do you mean I am very sick, I have been sick for awhile is this something that is worse.

"She doesn't understand what's going on."

"Of course not Abby she has a high fever and she's hallucinating."

I understand completely what's going on, you just won't listen to me when I ask you a simple question, now really is this something that is worse than what I have been dealing with, yeah I know I'm a doctor but right now my head hurts and I can't think very well. Do you think that you could give me an answer?

"What do you think she's trying to tell us Doug?"

"I don't know for sure Abby. Anns are you in any pain?"

Am I in any pain, of course I am in pain! I just told you my head hurt what more do I have to say to get you to understand me.

"I'm not getting anywhere with her. Anna, squeeze my hand if you hurt."

I let it loose and I squeeze his hand for all it's worth. That ought to let you know that I am hurting.

"She's losing her reflex, she barely squeezed my hand."

What do you mean I barely squeezed your hand? Yes I squeezed it and it really squeezed it hard. What was that noise? That sounded like something falling and hitting the bed, what did you drop next to me? Why won't you answer my questions? What is going on?

"She's not moving much air again."

"We can't intubate her either not while she has the DNR orders and there's no way that she can rescind it with her current mental state."

Wait I don't want to die, don't let me suffocate like that. Oh no! What am I supposed to do now? Don't let me die, don't let me die! I am screaming now at them, but they are not listening to me.

"Anna, Anna, you have to calm down. We might have to sedate her."

No, no don't sedate me. You can't sedate me, please come on I'm fine just get Max everything will be okay and I'll be home again before I know it. Really I am doing what you asked me to I am laying down, I'm calm, as calm as I can be please don't sedate me, you don't have to go that far. Just don't let me die. Please come on Doug you know me. I don't want to give up, please I want to fight get me out of this mess, please someone out there help me.

"Is she agitated? It's hard to tell she's just not making any sense. I don't know what we should do for her?"

Save me god damn it Doug. Do what you know you need to do and fuck the consequences. I won't complain really I promise I won't complain. Ouch that hurt, what do you think you are doing, that isn't going to… oh I think I like that, oh you didn't I mean it's not that, that's not great, but oh, oh, forget it I am liking this. Was that? I hate narcotics but this is, well this is just, I think I can relax now and then some, yes that did the trick you have anything in that bag of tricks now to open up my lungs, it's a little hard to breathe but it's getting better now. Everything feels better now.

"Fentanyl is on board."

I thought that is what that might have been. I am so relaxed right now you wouldn't believe it. You are the greatest, I think, I think that I love you right now. Oh no I know that I am in love with you right now. This is nice; oh I think I am getting sleepy. Yes that is the general consensus here. Would you mind if I just kind of went to sleep here, if I took a small nap. I think that's what I am going to do. I mean you don't seem to be able to understand me anyway and I'm not going to be of much help right now, so I think it would be better for us all if I just went to sleep.

"She's calming down, heart rate's dropping."

"That's a girl Anns, you just relax in there."

Relax in there, where do you think that I am. I haven't gone anywhere… I am sleepy… no… I'm going… to… sleep.


	21. Heart and Mind

**Chapter 21: Heart and Mind**

I open my eyes, there it is again, I'm in the white room with the door, but this time there is no Mark, there is no one in there but me. I know that I need to make that decision. I both pass through the door and end everything or I stay and finish what has been asked of me. I get up off the bed now and cross the room. I stand in front of the door; this is one of the hardest decisions I have had to ever make. This place has become the only place where I feel any peace anymore and that peace that I feel right now makes more sense than going back to a world where everything hurts. I step closer to it, do I give up? Oh if it was that easy. To get your mind and your heart to agree on the same thing. My hand now rests on the doorknob as I one last time contemplate the decision.

The door suddenly opens toward me, what, wait I didn't make the decision yet. I don't want to go through it just yet. Then there is a figure who has become familiar to me.

"I think you need to think about this some more buttercup." I jump hearing Romano's voice once more.

"You scared me Robert." I say as I take a few steps back away from the door almost afraid that I might get sucked through it or that he might just end up pushing me through it, "why, why do I need to think about this some more? Mark said it was my decision to make."

"Yes it is your decision to make, but do you really want to spend eternity longing for the one thing that you can no longer have?"

I looked at him almost unsure of what he might have meant by that, "Longing for something that I can't have Robert what do you mean? I know that I will be leaving my friends and family behind what would I be longing for?"

"Anna do you know what it's like to love someone so much but never be able to tell them, and have the end come before you find the courage to tell them that." He said as we now sat on the edge of the bed talking, "you will long for the one person that you heart loves for eternity if you leave them with out them knowing."

"But the only person I ever loved Robert," I looked down, "he knows that I love him, but I can't be with him right now." There are tears in my eyes. "He deserves much more than what I can give him. I love him more than my life."

"Are you sure Anna, are you sure he understands why you have, granted what you did was far from selfish in it's own way, but are you sure he understands why you left him." He looked over at me, "yes I know the truth I know that you left Max."

I look at him and for a brief second I doubt my decision. "I thought he knew." I say softly.

"Come with me Anna, you know that you are really sick on earth right now don't you?" His tone has completely changed with me as if what he is trying to tell me is something dire.

"Yeah I know." I say following him. I'm not sure where we are going or what he has to show me. But the way that he is acting I know that he sees it as something important.

"This is going to be hard for you to see." He says softly, "but you need to see it before you make that decision. I won't stop you from going through that door if that's what you really want to do, but before you do, I want you to know this."

The whiteness of the room starts to fade and I am nervous and scared now. I'm still not sure where we are going. "Don't be scared Anna." He said, "I won't let anything happen to you, go ahead and open your eyes."

I relax and do what he tells me to, where are back in the ER, this only difference is this time I am looking at my own body. "Oh god." My hand flies up to my mouth now for there before me sitting around my nearly lifeless body not only are my friends, but Max is sitting there. Doug is over in the corner holding onto Carol, they are both crying. Carter is in a chair in the other corner I can't see his face, he has it in his hands. I look at Max, he's sitting there holding onto my hand. He's crying I can see the tears flowing down his cheeks.

"Oh baby." I can hear him say, "don't go yet please."

The monitors show how unsteady my heart beat is. As I look at my body with the various IV's that are flowing from it. My heart is being torn into two. I don't like seeing him that upset, and I don't know why he is there. "Why did they call him? Why is he here?"

"You asked them to call him." Robert says, I can feel him holding onto my hand now as I am glued to what is unfolding in front of me.

"No I wouldn't have, he doesn't need to see this. I don't want him to hurt like this that's the whole reason I left." I am crying now, there are tears flowing down my cheeks. "I don't him to hurt."

"Anna, please honey," I hear Max's voice again. I've never heard it so full of hurt and so full of pain as it was right now. "Don't leave me Anna I love you baby, I always have. I don't want you to go. I need you Anna, I always have and I always will baby. No matter what you say you are the only one who I will ever love."

"Make him stop." I look at Robert, "please just make this all stop."

"Anna I can't. As much as I want to I can't make it stop." He says putting both his hands on my shoulders. "You are the only one who can make it stop Anna. And you know how you just have to want to do it."

"I don't want to go back." I say sobbing, "it hurts, it hurts to be there. But this… Robert, I can't let him feel like that."

"The decision is yours." He says.

I blink and we are back in that white room again the ER having faded away. "God I hate how you can do that."

"I know but you have a choice to make and it's one that only you can decide. You can either go back, make things right for everyone, or you can take the easy way out and you can walk through that door. I won't tell you what to do you have to do that yourself."

In a flash he is gone and I am all alone again. There's that damn door. I look at it, it is still so tempting to walk over there and just go through it but Max's words are echoing in my head, all I can hear is please don't go… I don't want you to go… how did this get so complicated? I am standing there now torn as to what to do. To walk through that door would be to turn my back on their suffering and would be so selfish and self-centered so not like me. My heart was telling me one thing and my mind was telling me another. Heart and mind… I had to want it heart and mind and I didn't right now. There was only one option left and it was the one that I needed to take. Some things needed to wait.


	22. Rip it up!

**Chapter 22: Rip it up!**

My body is racked now by a violent cough. Guess I made my decision and right now I hoped it was the right one because once again going back into my own body sucked. I am gasping for air, the aches and pains that this body held for me surged through my mind. 'Suck it up Anna' I find myself saying inside my head. It would only hurt until I could readjust to the fact that this was life, not that place that held the peace I longed for but this was where I belonged. As I gasp for air I squeeze down on the hand that was holding mine.

"Anna?" There is a surprised voice, "Doug looks she's breathing, she's moving, I felt her squeeze my hand."

I hear the sound of someone moving closer to me, "she did? Are you sure Max?" That's Doug's voice I can hear them both they are both right there.

"Anna moved?" Carter, that's Carter's voice, I can hear them but I don't know if they are going to be able to hear me, before it seemed like anything I said they couldn't understand and I didn't know if that would change.

I can feel a hand on my forehead now, "I think her fever's broken." That has to be Doug because it's his voice that I am hearing.

"That's good." I can hear a sigh of relief come from Max but I can still tell that they have all been crying.

I open my eyes a little blinking from the bright light that's in there, I didn't remember it being so bright. "Help me." I whisper out.

"What baby?" I hear Max ask me as he leans in closer to me, "I didn't hear you, what do you want?"

"Help me," I whisper again, "I can't breathe."

It's Doug's voice that I hear, "Anna we are doing what we can."

"No help me breathe," I whisper out again as I am trying to form words with what little air I can get. "Max… I don't… want to die…"

"Doug can't we do something." I hear Max ask as he looks over at Doug.

"She's a DNR; we are doing everything that we can that respects her wishes." Doug said to him in a flat tone.

"Rip it up." I manage to get out.

"Are you sure Anna?" Doug asks.

I watch as Max's eyes meet mine, "baby?"

I nod, "please." The only word that I could manage to get out this time as I am struggling to breathe and stay awake.

"Okay baby if that's what you want." I hear Max reply to me. I just look at all of them my eyes begging for them to do something to help me. I watch as Max picks up the chart that is at the end of my bed and pulls out the DNR order and shreds it as I look on. If I could breathe better I would have sighed.

"Intubate my wife."

I feel the bed being tilted back and his hand once again holding mine. "You're going to get sleepy here Anna, when you wake up you'll have a tube down your throat and the ventilator will be helping you breathe."

I nod knowing what he's saying. I know the drill; I've done this to people a hundred times and been on the receiving end a couple of time now too.

"Meds are on board."

That's the last thing I hear as I drift back to sleep hoping this time there is no white room, no door, just peaceful quiet rest. The darkness that has set in is warm and not inviting but calming for right now. Then there's a soft hum and what sounds like a puff of air, I'm not struggling to breathe, but I don't have to work as hard now to do it. The machine is doing it for me and I can rest. I lay there for what feel like a lot longer than what in reality had passed because when I do open my eyes again, there are still all those familiar faces in the room with me.

"Hey beautiful." I turn my head the best that I can and see Max sitting beside me holding my hand. I feel him reach up and push my hair back from my face now.

I crack something that resembles a smile, although with the tube it's hard to make any kind of a facial expression.

"Are you feeling okay?"

I give his hand a quick squeeze to tell him that I am okay. I feel much better now that I can breathe again, even though I am not technically breathing on my own it's still better than the feeling that I am suffocating.

"Good." I feel him place a soft kiss on my head. "We'll get you better now."

I nod a little bit knowing that this was the start of a long road. But one that I am more than willing now to go through since I had my eyes opened. Hard to believe that Romano of all people would have been the person to open them but he had.

"You'll get better buttercup." I look towards where I am hearing Robert's voice now and he's standing back in the corner of the room. I know that I am the only one who can see him, but it's not like I can say anything back anyway right now. "You made the right choice."


	23. I'm what?

_A/N: Yeah I know that was a lot of new chapters at once but it was what I had gotten written and since all the sadness was getting a bit much to bear I thought that it was time to move it along and find something brighter for us all. Here's chapter 23 of Nothing is Certain, I hope that you all continue to enjoy it._

**Chapter 23: I'm what?**

I had spent two weeks in the intensive care unit at County now, but overall everyday I seemed to improve and it didn't take long for my lungs to be able to once again support life like I needed the too. I felt bad because Max insisted on staying in Chicago the entire time, but with the tube down my throat I couldn't protest his decision to stay by my side. He had a life too and I didn't like the idea that he was putting it on hold right now just because I was sick. We would definitely have to talk about it once I got rid of the ventilator.

"I hear today is the day." I see Doug walk in smiling, "at least the day that they are going to see if you can fly on your own now." He comes over and sits down on the edge of the bed, "how's she doing Max?"

"I think she's getting antsy to get that out and get out of here." I watch Max look at him and then at me, I give him one of my looks, "yeah I would say she really wants out of here right now."

I can feel Doug patting my hand, "Ah, Anns you'll be out of here before you know it." He said, "They showed me your chest x-ray." He looks at me, "hope that you don't mind that they did that."

I nod my head no, that really doesn't bother me in the least, after all they all had a good idea of what all was going on, and it had been a long time since I had been alone in dealing with any of these. The one thing that I knew, however, was that there was something nice about having my friends around. I hadn't realized either how much I had missed Max, and having him come back even though I didn't want him to have to deal with all of this, was comforting.

"Well I have some good news for you." He said smiling now at me, this wasn't one of his boyish charming get him out of trouble smiles either, it was an honest to goodness this is good news smiles, there was always something about Doug's smiles though that seemed to be able to light up a room.

I look over at Max and then Doug, unsure of what kind of good news he might have for me. I mean it had been good enough news for me when they told me that they would be coming in and taking out the tube sometime today. I wished that they would just come in and do it so that I could actually talk to the people that were around me rather than using crude signs and gestures to try and convey my needs and wants.

The rather one sided conversation was interrupted by the resident coming into the room, "good morning gentlemen." I watched him look at the two men in the room, gentlemen, I wish that I could laugh because that's what popped into my mind when he said that. "Good morning Anna," he said his attention changing now over to me rather than them, "how would you like that tube out now?"

He shouldn't have expected an answer from me because there was no way that I could give him one, but rather I roll my eyes trying to convey my frustrations and to say come on just do it.

"I think that she is more than ready for you to get that out for her." I hear Doug say followed by Max's voice, "I know that she would like you to take it out." I watch as they both look at each other. There doesn't seem to be any animosity between Doug and Max, but Max had always known that I was just friends with Doug that there was and never could be anything more than a friendship between us.

With out warning he lowers the bed, and I end up falling backwards a bit being caught off guard. I hated residents, especially second years; they always thought that they knew what they were doing even though they still had a lot to learn. And I end up glaring at him after that. It would have taken him all of two seconds to say hey I'm going to lower you back but oh no that would have taken up to much of his precious time and saved me from hitting my head on the bed, at least it was soft and I hadn't hit it on something hard.

"Okay, deep breathe in and when I say three blow out as hard as you can." Sounds simple enough right. "One… two… three…"

I blow out as hard as I can as the tube slides from my throat and I start gagging and coughing now as I am freed from the vent that had been breathing for me.

"That will pass." He said to me and I really glare at him now. But it seems as if it's gone to waste as he's watching my sats on the monitor and not me.

"It's Dr. Del Amico," I whisper out, still coughing some.

He slips a nasal canula around my face, "I'll be back to check on you after a bit. You're doing well."

"Ah that's a voice I have missed hearing." Max says taking my hand, "and it is so good to hear it again."

"Don't go mushy on me." I say my voice horse from my throat being sore, "water please."

Doug hands me a glass and I take it from him happily. "Thank you." I whisper once more before taking a drink, the cold water feeling good on my raw throat.

Once all the coughing and gagging has stopped and I am feeling a little bit better, happy to be using my own power now to breathe I look at the two men sitting in there with me. "What's the good news Doug?" I ask again since he stopped interrupted by the resident coming in.

"You want it?" He says grinning at me.

"No smart ass I asked because I don't want to know." I say back to him swatting at him rather playfully but with the full intention of letting him know that I don't want him beating around the bush with me.

"That's my Anna." Max grins now too, seeing that I am started to get back to my old feisty self.

That earns Max one of my glares, "shut up would you and let him tell me what this good news is would you now."

"Well," Doug says as if he's trying to drag this out. Tormenting me a little more. I really wish that he would just get on with it and tell me what the bloody news was before I went off on him. I am very close to going medieval on them both here. "Okay, okay," he says looking at me as if he could read what was going through my mind right now. "The good news is that it appears the last few rounds of chemo have done there job Anna."

My eyes get wide hearing him say that, "what? Are you sure?" I'm find that I am doubting it even thought I am hoping inside what he is telling me is true, but then my brain had been deprived of oxygen so I might have heard him wrong.

"Yes I am sure, the x-ray of your lungs was, well how else can I say this Anna, and it was clear there were no cancerous spots detected." Doug has a grin on his face now that is a mile wide, "looks like you have beaten it after all."

I shake my head as what he is saying is sinking in a little more. I can't believe it, I want to believe it. That was the news that I had been waiting for so long for someone to say to me. Remission was the one thing that I had been fighting for all this time and I had achieved it, "I'm in remission?"

"Yeah Anns you are in remission."

I'm still shocked, floored, a million and one emotions are running thru my body and I don't' know what to do. My first instinct is to cry. Not tears of sadness but tears of joy. I am happy, elated, and very overwhelmed. I'm definitely at a loss for words right now. What do you say when you get news like that? I'm not sure just how I am supposed to react. I'm actually a little bit scared, is it really gone? Would it stay gone or would it come back again? I look from Max, who is smiling now a smile that I hadn't seen on his face in forever, and Doug the smile on his face is the same, this wasn't some cruel joke that they were playing on me. After months of being told that there was nothing that they could do for me, and that it was best now to just let nature take its course, I wasn't going to die in the next few days or months, I had a shot a living again. Right now the cancer wasn't going to kill me. I am in shock that surely is what I have to be feeling right now.

"You okay?" I hear Max ask me, I realize that I am sitting there in silence with a completely dumbfounded look on my face.

"Yeah," I whisper out. My voice right now is hard to find, I don't know where it has gone, but it's not there when I need it right now, 'I just… I don't know… this is…" words are not coming to me very easily right now and I know that it is because I am under this mountain of happy emotions right now, tears start flowing down my cheeks now. They are not sad tears but tears nonetheless. "I'm in remission." A small laugh comes from me, "I'm in remission." There's a soft smile on my face as everything starts to fully sink in.

I find that I am enveloped in this massive hug, Max's loving arms wrapped around me, "I knew you could beat it baby." He said kissing my forehead, "oh god honey this is the best news that we could have gotten." There are tears in his eyes now as well. "My Anna." He whispers kissing my forehead again, "oh my Anna." He is as overwhelmed with this as I am.


	24. Someone Spill the beans!

_A/N: well here it might be if someone will only Spill the beans, life may for Anna and crew take a whole different turn. _

**Chapter 24: Someone Spill the beans!**

Four months have now passed. As I stand outside on the back porch that over looks the back yard I am amazed at how much things have changed. Doug, Carol and the girl live just down the street from us now. The house that Max and I bought is spectacular and it seems as if we were never separated right now. We are getting back into the swing of being a married couple. He has a job as a pediatrician at Northwestern and Doug and Carol are both back working at County. I am the only one who doesn't seem to have a job but they really don't think that I should rush back into work right now. In a way that is somewhat okay with me, Doug and Carol have enlisted me to get the girls off the bus after they get out of school and the afternoons are usually spent around my kitchen table working on various bits of homework. They were both bright first graders and I rather enjoyed spending the time with them. Although even I had to admit that spending the extra time with them, made my heart ache for a child of my own.

I feel a pair of strong arms wrap around me, "what you think about babe?"

"Nothing honey," I say back to him, "just having a cup of coffee and enjoying the morning." That wasn't a complete lie but I really didn't want him to know what I was thinking about right now.

I feel a soft kiss against my cheek. "Okay well it's time for me to leave." He says softly. "I'll be back around 7 or so."

"Have a good day." I say returning his kiss. "Don't work to hard." I give him a soft grin, "no saving all of Chicago in one day."

"Ah, that I won't do." He lets go of me and takes a couple of steps back, "don't forget tomorrow night okay, you need to go out and shop today, spoil yourself a little bit Anna."

"I will Carol Abby and I are going shopping today." I saw watching him back away from me.

"Good you three should have lots of fun." He holds out something for me, "here give this a good work out would you?"

"Max," I say looking at him holding onto the credit card that he has handed me, "are you sure, I mean, I don't have to do this. We really shouldn't be just throwing money away on something as frivolous as a shopping day for me."

"Anna," I heard him say as he pulls me back into him and feel him kiss my cheek before whispering, "You go out and spend some money on you, get something that you want, when was the last time that you did anything for you?"

I looked at him for a minute; he knew the answer to that one. I didn't think that I needed to answer it for him. But maybe this time it wouldn't hurt to go out and get something this was after all a special occasion. "Okay you win." I say softly, "I'll go out and enjoy myself today I promise."

"Ah that's my girl." He said picking up his keys from the kitchen table. "I will see you after work." And with that being said I watched him walk out the door of the house.

Silence fills the house now that I am the only one home. I move over to the kitchen sink stopping long enough to refill my coffee cup and start in on the breakfast dishes. Not that they are many there, neither of us are big breakfast eaters, sticking mostly to a toast and coffee morning diet. I will make sure that after he gets off tonight that there is something waiting for him that is hot to eat. I know how he eats when he's at the hospital and laugh thinking that my husband should be more heavy set than he really is living off caffeine and the sweets the nurses bring in. If I didn't have a lunch date with the girls I probably would have snuck over at lunch time and taken him something to eat then, but today he was going to be on his own.

I finish getting the house somewhat picked up and a load of his clothes washing so that we have something to wear tomorrow. It's not like I let things slide since I am home all the time. Well I try not to let them slide. For some reason I am sliding into the stay at home thing. Not that that is really where I want to be but I am trying to make the best of out the forced time off. I just wish at times that there was something more for me to do rather than housework; you could only scrub your toilet so many times before you started to wonder if you suffered from obsessive-compulsive disorder.

I went upstairs into our bedroom and changed into a pair of jeans and a tee shirt for my shopping trip. It's not like we were going any place that had a dress code. I pulled my hair; finally it had grown back again, into a pony tail that was swinging behind me as I bounced down my stairs. I am feeling pretty good today and it's nice to know that I have friends that I can go out with. To know that I can go out makes it even that much better.

I finish up what little things that I have to do, when I hear a knock on my door. I cross the room over to open it, "hey Abby, hey Carol." I say, "come in, I'm about ready."

"You ready to go find that dress?" I hear Abby ask.

"Yeah I think I am." I say picking up my stuff from the table, purse, keys; I think that I am all set. "Let's go do this."

We all head back out of my house as I lock up behind it and get into the jeep that Carol is driving. We make small talk as we head downtown to shop for awhile before having lunch. I am not having any luck finding what I think that I need and finally we give up and decide to have lunch. I forgot how hard and tiring shopping can be but I am having a good time. We are seated in a small café and after we order we start talking again some more.

"Tess and Kate talk nonstop about you Anna." Carol said taking a drink from her glass, "they love spending time over at your house."

"Oh I love having them after school Carol. They are the just the best little girls." I say forcing a smile on my face now.

"Well I don't know what you do with them that is just extra special but really you come up in conversation almost more than Grandma does for them, and if they had a choice between going to grandma's house and yours, I think you would win hands down." She laughs softly, "They adore you."

"They are wonderful girls." I say back to her, "I don't do anything that special with them. One would think that making them do their homework wouldn't put me at the top of their list of people to hang with."

"I think it's the cookies and milk," Carol said smiling softly at me,

"That very well could be." I couldn't shake the feeling inside that something was missing from my life now, and that talking about Carol's girls just made it even more obvious what it was. But she just couldn't say anything about it. It didn't feel right too right now, "guess I'll need to try a little harder after lunch to find that dress."

"I'm sure we will find you something." Abby said to me now as my eyes glanced over her direction.

"Yeah you are probably right, I just don't think Max would appreciate me coming home emptied handed. He seems to have it in his head that I need something new to wear to this." I said as our food arrived at the table, thank god it would provide a break in the conversation that I really didn't feel like being a part of right now.

We finished eating and the headed out again. I'm trying now not to think about anything but finding a dress for this special occasion that Max has all lined up for us the only thing that he has told me about it, is that it is formal. So I am looking for a formal gown. I hate this, but after a couple more hours I manage to find one that I think I like. I stand out in the room now with this very nice dress on to see how it looks and I'm wondering if this one isn't too formal is there such a thing?

"That's beautiful Anna." I hear Carol say, her voice pulling me from the random thought that are flying around my brain. I had almost forgotten there for a minute that there were other's shopping with me. It was supposed to be a fun girl's day out but for me it was anything but fun.

"You don't think that it is too fancy do you?" I find myself asking the same thoughts that were flying around in my head.

"Is there such a thing?" I hear Carol ask me back.

"I don't know that's why I asked." I say turning to look at the side of the dress still uncertain about it, the gown itself if beautiful but I am having a hard time convincing myself to buy something like this.

"Anna it's beautiful and you look stunning, if I can say that, in it." Abby said standing up coming over and messing with it for a few minutes, "I don't know what Max has planned but girlfriend you are going to knock him senseless or breathless and senseless in this."

"I don't know what he has planned he won't tell me." I find myself saying, "he says it a surprise and that I will like it, just that I needed to go out and buy a new dress, something formal that's all he said. You don't think that we are chaperoning someone's prom do you?"

Carol gave me a weird look, "uh no I don't think that he'd have you go out and buy a new dress to chaperone someone's prom, he'd have told you if that's what he had planned. I think that one is absolutely perfect. Do you like it?"

I'm looking in the mirror at this dress I'm still not sure if I like it or not. It is a floor length formal gown, baby blue, with a soft sheer material that covered it. The soft sleeves were short, of the same sheer material that covered the rest of the gown resting off my shoulders. As I look in the mirror I have to admit that I like it, it's not that I don't like it, it's just that in my mind I can't justify buying a gown. I was sure that I would have something in my closet that would look just as nice with out dropping the money to buy a new dress that I would wear on just a handful of occasions doctor's wife or not.

Oh no! The saleswoman has a hold of me now I am so a lost cause. It was almost as if she was hovering over there in the corner listening to us waiting patiently to strike. "Ah mademoiselle, that dress is absolutely radiant on you." She says and I know that one is true but flattery will get her everywhere with me right now, "your friends are right your husband will be a very lucky man to have such a beauty on his arm for the evening."

Oh she is laying it on pretty think, I'm sure though that my doubts are radiating from me right now as I stand on the fence in this beautiful dress. Then I utter those words, "I don't know I think it's a bit much, too dressy for me."

"Nonsense." She snaps at me, as if to say that I am talking gibberish. "That dress looks as if it was made for you."

I scratch my ear in my feeble attempt not to give her a very sarcastic laugh, for I am sure she has used that line before probably for every dress in this store and every woman who has walked thru those doors. I look in the mirror again as if I have expected the image to change. Would it have changed? But it is in all reality a very nice dress and I do look nice in it, what is it going to hurt if I get this one? I'm spending money. I don't like to needlessly spend money. Max told me to spend money, he told me to get myself something nice. This is something nice. Okay so then what is my hang up on getting this dress? I'm not going to win this argument with myself no matter how hard I try.

"I'll take this one." I finally say with a sigh as I look over at Carol and Abby who both are smiling in delight. I turn and head back into the dressing room to put my clothes back on and reemerge from the dressing room. "I don't know why you too are so pleased; please it's just a dress." I pause for a minute, "spill it what do you two know?"

"Nothing," Carol said followed by Abby. "We don't know anything."

"I find that so hard to believe," I am walking up to pay for this overly expensive dress that I am probably only going to wear the one time in my life. "You two are grinning like kittens that have just eaten canaries." I hand over our credit card with a giant wince. This is painful for me to do.

"Honestly Anna we know nothing more than you do." Carol said, "Max just asked if I would go shopping with you so I set up the date for us to go. That's all I know." She said.

"Well then I will just have to corner Doug and find out." I say looking at her, "I'm sure I can get Dr. Intercom to spill the beans."

"Oh no if Doug knows Max's secrete you won't be getting it out of him. Doug might like to talk but he's really good at keep secretes when he wants too." Carol said as I catch a glimpse of her looking at her watch, "I need to be back soon I have to get the girls from the bus."

"Well I guess I will just have to wait then." I say as we head back for the jeep and home. When we get back I bid them goodbye and head up hanging the dress in my closet whatever Max has planned I am sure that it is good and that I just will have to wait to find out what it is.


	25. The Real Deal

**Chapter 25: the real Deal**

The night of what ever Max had planned finally arrived and I had gone out had my hair done up and everything now I was sitting in our bedroom putting the finishing touches on getting ready. I was excited to see what he had cooked up.

"You look beautiful tonight." Max said as he softly kissed my bare shoulder.

"Thank you," I say turning around to look at him standing there before me in his tux. "You are very handsome as well." I give him a soft smile.

"Are you ready?" I hear him ask me.

"Yes I believe that I am." I say as we started to walk down the stairs. Max stops us so that he can place the wrap around my shoulders so that I do not freeze and leads me outside where there is a long white limousine waiting for us. I am very shocked to say the least. He has appeared to have pulled out all the stops on this one. The door is opened and we slide inside of it. "Oh my," I whisper, nearly gasping out in surprise.

"This is for you." He hands me a small bouquet that is comprised of baby roses.

"Aw, thank you." I say softly leaning over and kissing his cheek now, this was one of those sweeter moments in our relationship and it is appearing that he has indeed put much thought into this, "this is lovely."

The ride to where we are going seems like it is very short, but I don't complain it feels nice to be so dressed up and on the arm of my husband for a change. The door to the limo opens and he gets out holding out his arm for me. We walk inside the building it's the Astoria hotel. I'm completely unsure of what we are doing here. But there are Abby and Carol standing with smiles on their faces.

"Ready Max," they both say in unison. "You are right on time."

I see him smile as he lets go of my arm, he kisses my cheek, "see you in a few minutes love." And with that I am being pulled away by Abby and Carol in another direction.

"What is going on?" I ask them as we are now standing in a very small room.

"You'll find out in a few minutes," Carol says. "John she's here." I hear her call out.

"Anna," I see him come around the corner, dressed in a tuxedo the same as Max had been, "you look beautiful," he kisses my cheek too and I'm getting a little more nervous. I watch as Carol slips out the door and comes back two minutes later.

"Everything is ready; let's go I believe that it is time." Carol has her hand on the door.

"Wait time for what?" I ask nervously, I don't know what is going on surprises are one thing, but this seems like a little more than a surprise. You can tell that he has definitely put a lot of thought into this, and gone to extra lengths if Carter, Abby and Susan are all in on it.

"You'll see." Carter said holding out his arm for me to take and Abby puts the flowers back in my hand before we all leave the room. Carol is in front of Abby who's in front of me and as I slip my hand onto the crook of his arm, I realize that I am being led blindly by Carter.

Is that, oh my god, there is soft music, I can hear the music and it seems familiar too me like I have heard it before. We walk a little further, oh he didn't and as we stop and Carol walk through the door but Abby, Carter and I stop I have a feeling I know what he has done. I think Max might have fallen off his rocker putting together something like this and not telling me, but then if he had told me, I might not have been very willing to do it. I can't believe that he has gone and done something like this. Touched beyond words right now, how did he come up with an idea like this, where did he find the time to put something like this together and keep it a surprise from me. That was the question of the hour, keeping something like this from me had to have taken a lot of effort, but how did I manage not to get something out of Dr. Intercom, they must have kept him in the dark either that or he's gotten better and keeping secretes. There are tears in my eyes now.

"Oh now you can't cry yet." Carter said as I feel his hand brush against my cheek as he wipes away what tears had managed to escape from my eyes.

I try and smile as I watch Abby walk into the room now; as we stand there I hear the music change. He has gone and done it. That music has completely given it away, well that and the fact that Carter and I are still now standing behind the doors and I can't fully see into the room from where we are standing, I'm sure that was their idea to build up a little more suspense and to keep it a surprise just all that much longer.

"I'm sure you've figured it out now, it's your turn my dear." Carter says as he starts us walking now. He moves us so that I can see inside the giant room that we are about to walk into.

There gathered in the ballroom were our friends and family. I look down the isle and there standing next to Max is Doug dressed in a tuxedo as well. I am speechless right now, I have no idea how they have pulled this all off, but I am touched beyond words. Good thing that I didn't have to say anything right now because I couldn't have if my life depended on it. I can feel the tears in my eyes as I look at the man I love and the smile that is on his face. I hadn't seen a smile like that since the day that we had exchanged our vows the first time. We keep walking my eyes are locked on his, just as they were that day that seemed so long ago now. When we got married the first time it was impulsive in Reno when we were there for a weekend conference. It just seemed like the right thing to do, and now here after all we had been through he thought enough to do it with again, this time with our friends. This was well past amazing. The setting was perfect and everything was beautiful.

I reach the end of my trip on Carter's arm and he sets my hand on Max's arm before kissing me softly on the cheek as to say that he knows that this is what makes me happy and even though he doesn't get along with him he can put my happiness above all of that. I smile softly at the man standing there waiting for me, he was my husband, and was about to reconfirm that before everyone.

"Who gives this woman to be wed to this man?"

I hear a voice from behind us, it is so familiar and yet it couldn't be who I thought that it was, and as I turn to see who it is, my smile grows by leaps and bounds, "Her mother, her brothers, and her friends." It's my oldest younger brother standing there.

I am still beyond overjoyed, and after all this time I never imagined that I would be standing there exchanging vows with Max in front of everyone. I had stopped wearing my wedding ring when I thought that we had decided to separate. The ring that he slipped upon my finger tonight was not the same one; this one was different from my original one. He had, had it redone. We were getting a new start, a chance for a new life together in a new city among our friends.

The vows that we shared tonight, repeating them back to each other, before everyone were different than the first ones, his, he had taken the time, where he had found it I do not know, but they were beautiful and you could tell that they came from his heart. For he could when he wanted to be, be a very romantic man.

He leans in to share that second first kiss, I see him pause for a second and while I could see the smile still on his face, "you are as beautiful to me tonight as you have always been. Tonight we start anew, with our family and friends, baby I love you now and I will love you for the rest of my days, for you make me, the happiest man around."

My heads spins as he gently at first starts to kiss me, but then in that tradition tries to wow those who are there and I can here Doug softly snickering followed by, "let the woman up for air," just loud enough that the two of us would hear.

There a small shy smile on Max's face as he pulls back away from me just enough to offer me his arm. I give Doug a shy blushing bride grin before we turn to make an exit.

After the ceremony we headed next door where they had set up a full reception. I was in awe of all of this as I walked on my husband's arm. Everything was absolutely beautiful. The tables covered with white carnations and red roses, the softness of the candle light in contrast to everything. He guided me gently across the room where there was a dance floor, "Anna I would be honored if you would dance with me."

I smile and take his hand, "I would be honored to dance with out tonight." I say as we walk out onto the dance floor this is our second first dance. But it has been a long time since I have felt well enough to dance with him. I put my hands into his as the music starts and we move together to the soft country music that is now playing.

He picked a Trisha Yearwood song and it actually was very fitting that he had picked it.

_Dreamed of you in my solitude_

_I told myself way back when_

_That if my prayers_

_Could get be there_

_I'd never let you go again_

_Darlin', I had lost you once_

_Thought my world had come to an end_

_Now, in my hands_

_A second chance_

_I'll never let you go again_

_Now and forever more_

_You can come to me_

_Baby, run to me_

_And I'll take you into my arms_

_I'll never let you go again_

_In my hands_

_A second chance_

_And I'll never let you go again_

We just held each other tightly as we danced to the song. I felt comfortable and content there with him. Hearing the lyrics to the song and feeling the way that Max was holding onto me I realized that I had just completely half the mission that had been assigned to me. To help someone find that true love. I think that I understood now what he was saying. For the first time in a long time I felt loved and realized what I had given up was the real deal. Max loved me for who I was. He still loved me while I was sick and he thought that he had lost me. And it was really I who had lost him. I was never going to let him go again like that. A love like this only comes around once in a life time and I was bound and determined not to make the same mistake twice. Here holding onto him, I knew that I had my second chance, he thought that he was getting his but in reality it was me who was getting mine. He hadn't done anything wrong, I had. I thought that I was doing what was best for the two of us, but in reality I think back now and I think that I was doing what I thought was best for me. For if I cut all the strings that I had, then I wouldn't have to feel guilty about giving up and walking away, dying and leaving him, well it wasn't my time to die, I had a lot more left in me to live for, and I was going to live for him.


	26. I am so not!

_A/N: Thanks to everyone who has taken the time to review my story, I keep working on it and I'm not sure where all this might just go from here! _

**Chapter 26: I am so not**

Max and I spent a few days locked away from the rest of the world before he had to go back to work. I was seriously thinking about going back to work too but there wasn't anyone who was keen on that idea yet. So I sat at home, watching TV and turning into a soap opera junkie who was now for the lack of anything better to do during the day quilting. Okay so I had no real idea of what I was doing but I had gotten a lot of books and started reading. I knew that I could learn how to do this and I needed something to do other than watch TV until the twins got out of school.

We had been in Chicago now for almost eight months now. The time just kept flying. Doug and Carol had asked me if I would be interested in watching the girls over the summer when they weren't in school and I had thought it over and talked with Max about it. He didn't seem to think that would be a bad thing. So I spent my summer chasing two little girls, hours at the playground, in the pool in the backyard that Max had set up for them, watching them run through the sprinkles for hours on end during the hotter months of the summer, they had been my main focus all summer long.

However, the more that I had the girls, the greater my longing became and I tried so desperately to ignore it. Knowing that it was the one thing that I couldn't have. No matter how much I wanted a baby, I was never going to have one. Doug came by to get the girls one after noon near the end of August. School was starting at the end of the week and both Tess and Kate were looking forward to it, granted they didn't see me as a babysitter more like an adult who did really cool stuff. They had started calling me Aunt Anna when we were out in public.

"Anna, Tess, Kate?" I could hear a voice calling from inside the house.

"We're in the back yard." I say spraying Tess with a water gun, "girls you're dad's here."

"Ah Daddy!" Tess and Kate run hiding behind me as they start shooting at him with their water guns.

"Hey no not behind me." I say playfully trying to push one of them out in front of me.

I watch as Doug starts running towards us. Not realizing now that both girls have bolted from behind me seeing him running at us. I just start firing the water gun as I take off now too, "you guys abandoned me." I scream as Doug grabs me in one arm, Tess in the other and we all go down onto the grass. He's got Tess pinned under his legs and I am trying to get out as he has me by the waist. "Got you both." He says with a big laugh. "Get me with your little water guns will you."

Cold water goes shooting down my back. "Damn it Doug!" I yelp out as it hits me, "no far the hose is off limits!" Oh that water is so cold, granted it's nearly a hundred degrees outside at five o'clock at night.

"Yeah I know it is," Doug is laughing as Kate comes running over to jump into the fun.

I watch as she hangs on Doug, you sure can tell that they are his and Carol's girls. "Daddy can we have dinner here with Aunt Anna and Uncle Max?" I hear her ask and a smile over at Doug.

"Did you ask Aunt Anna about that?" I watch him interacting with Kate now, Tess still pinned under his feet. "You're not going anywhere there little darlin'."

"Yes I did and she said we had to ask you Daddy before she would say yes." Kate has her hands on her hips; she's a little miniature Carol.

I am fighting now not to laugh at how cute and insistent she is being with him right now. It's rather amusing with how they have seemed to have taken to me.

"Well I suppose we could have dinner with Aunt Anna and Uncle Max." Doug said looking over at me know with a smile as he shrugs his shoulders.

I pull myself up off the ground now, "girls why don't you guys go play me and your daddy will be up on the deck." I say as I walk back towards the back door. Knowing that Doug is standing there watching the girls, although they don't need constant supervision. "You want something to drink Doug?"

"Yeah sure." I hear him answer me.

"Beer okay?" I say as I walk back out sitting down on the deck in a lounge chair out of the sun the best I can but so that I am still in a position where I can see the twins playing.

"Yeah that's great." He says as I hand it over. "They really like it over here."

"Oh they are good girls Doug, I love having them here." I say my voice is pretty soft but I'm still managing to hide anything that I might be feeling.

"I don't think that they want school to start." He smiles at me.

"Ah what kid wants to go back to school? Summer time staying up late, hiding at Aunt Anna's and Uncle Max's… that's every kids dream summer." I say watching them playing.

"I know Carol and I are really lucky that they had you to hang out with and to take them when we are working and they get out of school." Doug said.

I take a drink from the beer bottle, "I'm the lucky one." I guess that I meant that in more than one way, "really it's no problem watching them for you guys, besides, I like being someone's aunt." I give him a small smile. "You know that just means that I get to spoil them come their birthdays and Christmas too. Honorary Auntie duty."

"What's bugging you Anns?"

"What makes you think that anything is bugging me Doug?" I ask looking over at him. "Other than the fact that it's five at night and is still a hundred degrees outside. God it was a hot one today."

"Because you are like this little sister to me." He said smiling over, "you know I've got that only child syndrome going on and you are like the little sister I never had, but in all the time I've known you I've learned to pick up on the little things, you don't have to say anything to me for me to know that there is something going on in that brain of yours."

"Yeah but don't you worry about it none." I say looking over at him now, "because if you are this big brother, this is something that not ever my little brother's need to know about. Don't worry everything is fine with me." I watch Tess and Kate splashing in the pool. "That must be the life." I say trying to distract him from the subject. I don't think that I am ready to talk with anyone about it and I haven't even talk with Max about it.

"Yeah being a kid is great." I hear him say, "you sure you don't want to talk about it a little with me," he gives me his classic Doug smile now as if that's going to make me open right up to him.

"There's nothing wrong you big goober." I say tossing the bottle cap from my beer at him.

"You did not just call me a goober."

"Oh but I did just call you a goober and not only that but a big goober." I say with a smile. "And there's nothing you can do about it either."

"Oh yeah." I hear him spat back before this cold spray of water hits me.

"Goober," I repeat again, "actually in this heat that feels pretty damn good. What should we throw on the grill tonight? I've got hot dogs for the girls to eat but what should us grown up people eat," I smile at him now, "you get hot dogs too if you're not careful."

"Whatever is fine with me Anns," I hear him say as he turns his attention back to his girls. "You know you don't have to keep feeding us, Carol and I do know how to cook when we need to."

I look back over at him now turning my head to the side so that I can see him even better, "nonsense. You are more than welcome to eat here, besides I rather enjoy the company and it gives the girls and excuse to stay over longer." I say before closing my eyes and relaxing completely in my lounge chair, "you guys should be thankful that they are not begging you to take night shifts so that they can spend the night all the time now."

"Ah well I would hate that, the occasional night shift I don't mind, but more than a couple of them and it throws the body for a loop at my age." He said tossing his bottle cap at me now.

"Max was telling me that you've been bugging him to go back to work."

"Ah what have you two become best buddies now?" Like I have to ask that one I pretty much already know the answer to it.

"Well calling us best buddies is probably a stretch but yeah you could say we've gotten closer together." He said, "Besides he's my best friend's husband can't hurt to be friends with him."

"I am so not your best friend." I spat back.

"Oh no you're not my best friend you are my annoying little sister."

"I am not annoying if I was annoying you wouldn't want to be here with me." I say back to him. "But for me to be your best friend that's pretty far fetched there Doug."

"Na Anns, you and I have a special relationship, you might not be a best friend in a guy sense but you are still right up there. You're my best," he laughs now, "girl friend."

"Oh don't let Carol hear you say that." I say looking over at him there's a very mischievous looking six year old who has managed to sneak up on him while we were talking who looks like she's about to soak her daddy. I just smile and shoot her a wink as I know she could get him if I just keep talking to him, "you know I think I could handle being your best girl friend."

And as I say that Tess strikes getting him soaking wet as she leaps on him after being fresh from getting out of the pool with her bucket of water. I just have to laugh at them, that's all I can do it is rather cute and funny.

"Hey baby I'm home!" I hear another voice calling out from inside the house.

"Grab a beer honey, Doug and I are on the back deck." I call back in response.

Pretty soon Max is sitting on the edge of the lounge chair smiling down at me with a cold one in his hands too. "How was your day honey?" I ask. He looks kind of tired but that could be from the heat too.

"It was okay." He says leaning down to give me a kiss, "hey Doug how's life treating you?"

"It's good." He says as he pulls Tess off him, "go play Tess."

I just watch as she scampers away. "What's for dinner tonight Anna?"

"I don't know honey what do you want?" I ask. It's this hot surely he has to know that there is no way that I am firing up the oven in the kitchen.

"What do you want me to throw on the grill?" He asks looking at me.

"There's some chicken defrosting in the fridge, although by the time you get it to the grill it will already be cooked in this heat." I say looking at him with a smile. "I promised the girls hot dogs."

"Cool deal missy." He says patting my leg, "I'll get it started in a few minutes."

"Sounds good to me." I say back.

"But first I think that I am going to join those playful kids in that pool and cool off a little myself."

"You go right ahead, my big kid." I say smiling at him as he heads down to play with the girls, I can't help but sigh. Max seems to rather enjoy having them around. And I can't help but wonder if he's not feeling the same thing at times that I am feeling.

"That was a pretty heavy sigh there Anns."

"Sorry just thinking." I automatically reply.

"Yeah deep thoughts there. Something wrong with the lovebirds?"

"Not that I know of." There's not much to say right now. I resituate myself in the lounge chair again.

"Something is up wish that you would just talk with me about it." I hear him say.

"It's really nothing Doug. Just the heat getting to me that's all. You still worry too much about nothing."

I watch as Max plays with the girls and I pretend to think about taking a nap in the chair. I do end up laying there with my eyes closed. And I find myself thinking more and more about that longing, about that yearning, and I'm not sure just how much longer I can ignore it, especially if Max is thinking about it too. I kick myself now wishing that I could be the one to give him the one thing that we both want.


	27. In front of the fire

_A/N: To answer as to why Carter and Anna are not interacting, it's coming, Anna still has mission impossible and I promise that this really is going to get back to it, just please be patient, really there is a point to all of this and it will all come to light soon. I know the story is rather slow moving but I'm redoing a few chapters to see if I can't maybe jump start things again, I tend to get distracted as a writer.  
_

**Chapter 27:**

The girls are now back in school it's been another month and I still haven't really talked to anyone about what I have been feeling. Every day though for us it's getting to routine now. I get up make Max some toast and coffee send him out the door, and then set in on the daily tasks that need to be done, before working on some insane new craft project that I have going on. At least it's passing the time, then at ten past three I meet the school bus to retrieve Tess and Kate where we have cookies and milk and they do their homework at my kitchen table. We all celebrate them turning seven and Max and I have Thanksgiving dinner for Carter and invite Abby along too since we know neither of them have families here in Chicago.

Now it's almost Christmas time and I have the house all decorated up, we've been in Chicago almost a full year now, everything seem to be going well for us, better than in Philadelphia and I don't miss home. I have found that home is where you make it and we had made it here now. Three more months and it will be a year. I am content and happy with the fact that I have been in remission for so long. It's starting to look more promising that I might just stay that way. I can't believe how the time seems to fly by so quickly.

"Anna I'm home!"

Ah, there's that familiar sound I have grown accustomed to hearing. Don't know why he insists on announcing his arrival home, but it still makes me smile, although I feel a little bit like Harriet when he does it. I come out of the back bedroom where I have been working on getting things ready for Christmas. I walk over to him and place a small kiss on his cheek, a small way of making him feel like I am happy that he's home. "How was your day?" I ask as I head into the kitchen to finish getting dinner ready for the two of us.

He gives me a little laugh, "the same as yesterday."

I look over at him, "getting bored with your job already?"

"No never bored." He wraps an arm around me holding me fairly close making it difficult to finish up what I was doing.

"Well I guess that's a good thing." I say turning so that I am facing him now. "Something on your mind?" I had to ask seeing the different look on his face; it doesn't look like one that he's upset with me over something. Granted there's not much that I could do that would get me into trouble with him. But there is something not quite right with him. "Something happen at work?"

"It's nothing baby." He said just holding a little tighter onto me. Now I know that something definitely wasn't right with the way that he was holding me. He only held on like this when there was something wrong. It was something that you couldn't help but pick up on after being with someone for so long.

"It's something Max." I say softly putting my hand under his chin to bring his eyes up to where they are looking into mine. There is something defiantly off with my husband, now it's up to me to try and figure out just what it might have been. Maybe I'd get lucky and with out to much poking and prodding he would open up to me.

"Baby really it's nothing." He repeats back to me.

Is it something that he's afraid will upset me if he talks to me about it. I'm not sure and there's no way to be sure. Maybe I had done something and just didn't realize it. And he just didn't want to say anything about it. "Honey," My voice is soft with him; this was going to take some prodding. He just didn't seem to want to talk about what ever it was and I didn't want him keeping anything bottled up inside him like that. "You know you can talk to me about anything, you know that right? I'm not going to break or get sick again if you tell me."

There is silence from him and then I feel him pulling away, "dinner smells good tonight, you fix up a pot roast?"

Okay there would be no changing the subject on me, I was determined now to find out what the problem was. "Yeah I did." I say softly, as a turn to finish getting it onto the table, "hope that's okay." Not that I really cared that much, and he never seemed to mind what I fixed him for dinner.

"Yeah its fine baby, you make a mean one." He says as I watch him out of the corner of my eye, putting the dishes on the table trying to help some.

I nod for a second, "yeah my mama made sure that I could at least cook. Make someone a good Italian wife."

He grabs me around the waist for a second spinning me around into him, "ah, and that you are my beautiful Bella. You are a perfect Italian wife."

I smile and giggle somewhat as he dances us across the floor, whatever might have been bothering him, he has either pushed way back or it wasn't that big of a deal and it wasn't bothering him anymore. Either way, his smile melts my heart it always does. "When's your next day off?"

"Tomorrow." He says, "And I plan on snuggling in bed with my beautiful wife in front of the fire watching the snow fall all day long." He kisses my neck softly now. "That is if she'll have me?"

"That sounds nice." I say back to him as we bump into the table a little, "I think she will have you."

"Good," He says looking at me with that mischief dancing in his eyes, "what do you say we have dinner and we start tomorrow tonight?"

I shake my head softly at him, that boyish grin on his face. "That we can definitely do." I say as I sit down at our kitchen table looking at how festive the house appears to be for it just being the two of us. My brother's are all up with my mother this year. Max couldn't get Christmas off so we were going to be spending it here with just the two of us. I didn't mind though. I had been blessed that I would be able to spend Christmas with my friends and have another one to look forward too.


	28. My world

**Chapter 28: My world**

Christmas came and went, followed by a New Year's that was just a little extra special. I liked New Year's parties but there was something about spending them curled up in front of the fire snuggling with the man that I loved, getting that kiss as the ball dropped into the New Year. It seemed that things were going better for us every day. I was getting used to the way that life was. Granted I missed being a doctor a lot. But I kind of liked my newfound life of leisure too. I was finding all kinds of things to do. I had taken back up running again while the weather was cold it was hard to do but I forced myself to do it. Soon the weather would be warm and it would be more pleasant to do but for now I would make do with what Mother Nature threw at me. Of course if it poured down rain I didn't go. But for the most part I was out there getting back up to what I used to be able to run before all of this happened. Whatever had been on Max's mind I still hadn't gotten out of him, but the attention was still there, so I knew that the problem still laid beneath the surface. I was starting to think that it was something that I had done, or something that I wasn't doing.

Abby and I were getting to be better friends. I mean we barely knew each other when I first arrived in Chicago but now it seemed as if I was hanging out with her and Carol a lot more than I had, Carol definitely more than I had the first time I was in Chicago in 1998. I wouldn't say that we were best friends yet, but we were getting there we definitely enjoyed hanging out when she wasn't working. We might not have had a lot in common, other than both being women and doctors, but we did things that we had fun doing.

There was a knock at the door that pulled me from my thoughts as my mind had wandered while I was changing the sheets on the bed. I dashed down the stairs to get to it knowing that it was probably pretty cold outside still, "hey Abby."

"Hey Anns, ready to go get coffee?"

Man that nickname Doug had given me all because he couldn't type was really sticking with everyone. "Oh yeah just give me a second, sorry Abby I lost track of time today." I say moving out of the way so that she could come out of the soggy weather. I had completely spaced that Abby and I were going to go out for coffee today. She wanted me to help her with a paper that she was writing. I headed up the stairs and quickly got ready changing my shirt and slipping on a pair of shoes before bouncing down the stairs. I felt bad that I had totally spaced it. "Okay I'm ready sorry about that."

"Don't worry about it." Abby said smiling at me a little, "things happen."

"Yeah things," I laugh a little, "got preoccupied changing the bedroom sheets, my priorities are a little messed up."

We walk out the door and I open up the doors to my SUV. After I know that she is in, I pull out of the driveway and head down the street.

"Thanks for volunteering to help with this." I hear Abby say.

"No problem, really I don't mind at all, gives me something else to do other than watch soap operas all day." I say navigating towards the nearest Starbucks.

"You miss working?"

"Yeah I do I guess." I say as I look now for a place to park, "but not working I guess has its advantages too. Max gets a hot meal when he gets home from work every night and the housework doesn't seem to pile up anymore like it used to when we were both working full time. I guess that I just wish I had a real reason not to be working other than the fact that everyone's afraid that it will be too much stress that I will get worn out and sick again."

"Yeah, but we," I notice that she throws herself into the mix now too, "all have a very valid concern."

"I know but that doesn't make it any easier." I say pulling the car finally into a parking space. "I'm not going to break."

"Tell that to your overprotective husband." Abby says with a laugh now as we get out of the car.

"God know I've tried." I say as we head inside and order coffee before finding a place to sit so that I can help her write her paper. Or at least offer what I can to her, it's been awhile since I have actually worked but I have been keeping up on my journals in the hopes that Max would finally give in and let me take a job somewhere. But even I had to admit that I had stopped pushing as hard as I had been there for awhile.

We must have sat in there for a good three hours, several cups of coffee later, Abby seems somewhat happy with what she has for the paper. And we leave the coffee shop. "Would you like to stay and have dinner with us tonight?"

"I'd like that." Abby says, "I really didn't have any plans for tonight anyways."

"I think Max might like to have some other company other than Doug and Carol over for a change." I say with a soft smile. "Anything particular you would like to have?"

"Nope I'm not picky what ever you fix is fine with me Anns."

"Okay." I say as I get us back to the house. As I pulled the car into the driveway I'm caught off guard by Max's BMW parked in the driveway and as I walk inside and to my surprise Max is already home. Now I know that I haven't been gone long enough for him to have worked a complete shift. I'm shocked as we move further into the house, the light on the answering machine is blinking letting me know that someone has called the house. I am standing now just a few feet from Max now, as I look at him, there's something wrong, very wrong by the look on his face. "Honey?" My voice is weak and shaky knowing that he being home is probably connected to the blinking light. "What's wrong?"

I watch him look up at me, "Alex called me at work." He says in a soft voice.

That's my youngest brother; he was turning 18 in May and graduating from high school in June. He calling wasn't that out of the normal for I was fairly close to my youngest baby brother. There were several years between us but he was the baby and I was a little protective of my Alex, "What did Alex need?"

"Anna honey, why don't you sit down?"

Oh this doesn't sound good at all, his demeanor, his tone with me, they are all adding up to something bad having to have happened. I don't want to think about what this news might have been. Maybe Alex just fell or something playing basketball and broke something, but why would Max come home from work for something as simple as a broken bone. I find myself walking over and sitting down on the couch next to him like a moth drawn to a flame. Something wasn't right; I couldn't shake that from my mind as I glanced up at him.

"Maybe I should go." I hear Abby's voice in the background but I'm more focused on Max right now than anything else.

"It's okay Abby you should probably stay."

If he wants Abby to stay then this is really bad news, "Max, what did Alex have to say?" I want to know but I don't want to know either. They are only four hours away by car. I wasn't joking when I told Doug that my mother had moved to Hell Michigan. That's part of the reason that I was content to stay in Chicago knowing that my mother and two of my brother's were only four hours away.

"Anna, your mom…" I hear his voice trail off for a second as if he is trying to think of something. "I'm sorry baby your mom died."

I'm shocked, completely and totally shocked. Surely I heard him wrong. He did not just tell me that my mother died. No, that wasn't possible there was absolutely nothing wrong with my mother, she was in good health the last time that I talked to her which was not more than three days ago. I can't say anything, there are no words that are forming, and my thoughts are going a million miles an hour. Here he was saying that my mother died. I can feel my head start to shake as if I am saying no to him, that what is he trying to tell me can't be happening. There are tears welling up in my eyes. I'm trying not to break down but it is so hard not to right now. I loved my mama and here he was telling me that she had died.

"Anna I'm so sorry baby." I hear him say to me but not all of it registers with me. I don't want it to register; I don't want this to be the truth. Surely this is someone playing a very horrible prank on me.

"No she couldn't have." I think I have gone from going into shock straight into denial, "how?" I find myself asking, "She was fine the last time I talked to her. There was nothing wrong with mom." I am still thinking that someone is wrong here, that this isn't really happening to me. I am about to choke on my own tears right now, my eyes are burning from them wanting to fall but I am holding them still at bay.

Max just looked at me, "they think she might have had an MI during the night baby."

"Alex lived with her why didn't he know about it, why didn't he get her some help?" My heart hurts and I don't mean to be but right now I am livid, mad at my younger brother who I thought was actually capable of taking care of our mother. I know that it probably isn't far to Alex to be lashing out like this but he wasn't there right now anyway. He just made the perfect target for my anger and hurt right now. That and how could something like this happen, how could my perfectly healthy mother be gone. "Why didn't anyone call me sooner, after all it is my mother we are talking about?"

"Anna," Max said putting his arm around me as if he's going to pull me into a hug.

"Don't." I find myself saying now I pull away from him as if I have been burned by his touch, "Just don't." I'm not in the mood to be held and comforted like that right this minute in time I am still trying to adjust to what he had told me. I'm still upset, mad, is what I am feeling right now and I don't like it. I don't like feeling like this. It's not right to be this angry with everyone. I can't help it. I just want to be left alone, why can't he just leave me alone right now.

"Sweetheart its okay."

"Don't tell me its okay." I bolt up off the couch now. I'm pacing back and forth, do I call any of my other siblings. I am the oldest of seven. The others are all younger than I am by several years. I'm not sure what they need me to do, if they need me to do anything. I try and push back anything and everything that I am feeling, my eyes are still burning but my brother's might need me. Surely one of them needs their big sister right now. "I need to do something." I find myself saying. I need to take my mind off this for a minute. But then my family might need me. "Maybe I should call Aaron?"

"Anna," Abby is looking at me now.

I think that she knows that I am barely holding it together by a string, a thin one at that. My mom was gone. She wasn't there. I couldn't walk over and pick up that phone call her and cry to her when things got tough. I didn't' want to admit to myself let alone anyone else that it is really real. I look at her and I can feel the tears welling up inside my eyes threatening to fall down my cheeks. I am fighting to keep them back, harder and harder I try, I don't want to cry. I don't want her to be gone. I close them and bite my lip now trying harder to force them back against my will they are starting to roll down my cheeks. Slowly at first they fall one rolling down, the another, I can feel them stinging, as one falls another takes its place. I can't stop them. This is a useless battle that I am fighting right now. I can feel my legs getting weak under me and my knees start to buckle as I drop myself down onto my knees in the middle of the living room. I find my hands going up covering my eyes, as if that will push the tears back inside them as I start to sob. I have moved from crying to sobbing. I feel the change as my tears start to make my body jerk coming so hard from my eyes.

I feel an arm around me but I know that it is not Max somewhere in the background it registers that my phone has rang and that he has probably gone to answer it. That it is Abby who is sitting on the living floor with me holding onto me as the grief starts to make its way out of my body. Thank god I have a patient friend there right now because I am a basket case. I know that I should be relying on Max to support but right now I just don't want him. It's nothing against him, it's nothing personal, I'm just hurting and I will need him, but right now I just want to cry and cry freely. Breaking down like this in front of him is hard enough on me. I'm afraid that if I keep this up he's going to think that I am going to break but right now I need to let it all out. Healing would only start again once I got the hurt out.

"Come on Anna let's go for a walk." She says as we get up off the floor. I think she can feel how wound up I am right now, emotionally stressed out but feeling this need to do something. I can't just sit there and cry there's nothing left inside me right now after that out burst.

I just nod there's really nothing I can say. Max doesn't seem to know what to do either after I barked at him. Right now what he has to offer just is not what I want or need. I'm not in the mood to be held or coddled by him and the affection that he seems to deemed appropriate just won't cut it.

Abby and I walked along down to the park and sat there on the swings doing nothing but talking really about no much but getting out of the house for a few minutes was what I needed for right now. I needed a chance to process everything, and in about a half hour I was still hurting but I was at least ready to make that road trip, I needed to go to my mom's house and be with my family. We walked back to my house and I didn't say anything to Max, I just went upstairs and packed a bag with a few days worth of clothes in it and a good dress for the funeral. This was going to be the week from hell, but I knew it needed to be done. I had the phone numbers of my friends if I needed anything. Abby volunteered to go up there with me, but I told her that it wouldn't be necessary there were seven of us and I had my brother to lean on while I was up there.


	29. In need of girl talk

**Chapter 29: In need of girl talk**

I had Abby to help me to keep my sanity through out some of this. I still had Doug and Carol. And I could talk to Max too; I mean I knew all of that. It's just that all of this was very hard. I had battled depression when I was first diagnosed with the cancer. Then I had felt like the rug had been pulled out from underneath me and I just kept sinking. Losing mom, my world had been completely shattered, for she hadn't been just my mom, my best friend; she had been my greatest supporter and never once was she not by my side when I was going through the chemo in Philadelphia. She was there every day telling me that we were going to do this, to reassure me that I wasn't going to end up like my dad had, slowly dying, and slipping away a little more each day. He only lived six months after he was diagnosed with advanced prostate cancer, and against all odds I had now lived over three years passed my diagnosis. I was not the same person that I was, no matter how hard I tried to be that just wasn't me anymore. I wished that it was, but life had a habit of sneaking up on us and changing our courses and who we were.

I wished that I could have been more open and forthcoming with Max about everything that I was feeling right now but some things were not meant to be shared yet. I was reeling from mom's death; the thought of my cancer coming back haunted me day and night, and the emptiness that plagued my heart and my soul that unrelenting desire to have that which I could never have. Well it wasn't that I couldn't have it, but the odds that a women with my disease, the extensiveness to which it had ravished my body, the survival rates, I would never be allowed to adopt a child. All of these things weighed heavily on my mind and I just right now felt like I had no one to talk to about any of it.

Spring time would be here soon. The thought of being able to be outside again was a positive thing. I had been cooped up inside all winter and I think that was part of the reason that I had been thinking so much about all of this. Thinking that if I had my own little one not working wouldn't have been so bad. Why is it that I couldn't get this off my mind? Was it because I had been spending so much time with Tess and Kate, or perhaps the fact that I was a pediatrician with out any patients, or just a wife who wanted to give her husband an heir to have that little person to teach, to love, that could make you smile when no one else in the world ever could. Or perhaps it was even just the fact that with spring everything seemed new. And maybe I would feel like I was getting a new start with the new season.

I needed to talk to someone about this cause I was running myself ragged… Doug maybe, no he was a guy, but then he always said that I could talk to him about anything and well maybe this fell into the realm of anything. No, I was not going to talk to Doug about wanting to have a baby; it was not like he could remedy the situation for me. I could talk to Carol, she had the girls surely she would understand what it must feel like to want to have a baby. No talking to Carol, Carol would talk to Doug, I knew how that worked. Because I knew that if Carol talked to me about something like that I would end up having to bounce what ever I said off of Max and then it's like she would have been talking to Max, not best not to talk to Carol either cause then Doug would know. Abby maybe I could talk to Abby about this. She might know of someone that I could talk to, maybe know someone who might be able to help.

I find that I have been running myself into the ground agonizing over this. I am not even sure if this is something that Max really does want. I know that if I tell him that it's something I want he would go for it just because I wanted it. Maybe I really should talk to him about it first. No wait, maybe not, I guess I just needed to bounce things off someone else before I go insane here.

I cross the room of the house into the kitchen picking up the phone and dialing one of the numbers that I had committed to memory now. I wait and listen as it starts to ring, maybe she has to work today and isn't home, oh I hope she didn't have to work last night and is sleeping. I could them, one… two… three…

"Hello," I hear a voice come on the line. It sounds out of breath.

"Hey Abby, it is Anna." I say into the phone now as I walk over and fill up my coffee cup that is sitting next to the coffeemaker.

"Hey Anns, how are you doing?"

"I'm fine, I'm doing okay" I say as I pick up my coffee cup with one hand cradling the phone in the other. "I was wondering if you might have some time we could get together and have coffee or something."

"Yeah sure I'd like that. We haven't done that in awhile."

"When do you have some free time?" I ask her.

"Uh I work today at five but I could come over for a little bit before that if you'd like."

"That would be fine." I say setting the cup down and playing with the phone cord out of habit. "I'd really like that." I'm not sure if I want to say anything more than that over the phone.

"Everything alright?"

"Yeah it's all good." I say, "Just could use some adult company I guess."

"You know I'm here for you if you need to talk."

I laugh softly, "I know that's why I called."

"Okay I'll be over in a couple of hours."

"Thanks Abby, see you soon." I hang up the phone and move from the kitchen with my coffee cup in hand. I sit down on my couch and flip open a photo album that I had been working on putting pictures into. I had taken up scrap booking now too as a hobby. Seemed like I was getting into a lot of hobbies with the free time that I had on my hands now.

But it works to pass the time. It's getting all my pictures organized and out of shoeboxes so there's a plus side to it. Max seems to think that I am happy in all of this, and well maybe I am, but I still can't shake that feeling that there is something missing. I don't know if it's just that I want to have a baby of our own, or if there is more to it than that. If I miss working so much that I need something full time to take my mind off it. Sure, that's not the best reason to want to have a baby and it's not my only reason for wanting one. All I know is that there is an empty place in my heart right now, and that empty place is one that can only be filled with the love of a child.

I try and make myself busy now, as if it will make all those feeling just go away for a little while, but as I put the photographs on pages, and put those pages into the book all I see is how happy we were before all of this happened. The dreams that we had when we first got married, all that we were going to do together. Then it struck as if a nightmare had taken a hold of our lives and with three words it all changed. We went from a happy couple to not knowing what the future was going to hold. Everything that we wanted just slipped through our fingers and any dreams that we might have had together seemed shattered. I sat there now putting old photographs onto the pages my mind wandering until I reached the point where I had to put it all away for now.

I headed into the kitchen looking at the clock knowing that Abby would be there soon. I put cookies into the oven so that we could have something to munch on while we visited, granted there was more to this than just a visit because I found that I really needed someone to talk to. I knew that Abby didn't have any children of her own but I was sure that she could help me start to sort out what I was feeling rather than having to resort to some form of professional help. I never had liked shrinks and I didn't think that right now I really wanted to be seeing one. I had this feeling that if I talked to a shrink, that they would tell me that I was over analyzing this and that it was something that I shouldn't be thinking about right now.

A knock on the door pulled me from those thoughts and I headed now from the kitchen back to the living room and the front door. "Hey Abby," I said pulling the door open, and moving aside so that she could come into the house. "Thanks for coming over." I pushed the door shut behind her when she got inside. I held out my hands to take her jacket from her hanging it on the coat rack, habit I suppose.

"No problem Anna." She said as I watched her smile, "you baked cookies?"

"Yeah pretty sad huh when the Doctor turns into Betty Crocker." I say with a warm smile back to her. We head into the kitchen and I come back to the table with two hot cups of coffee and a plate full of chocolate chip cookies that had just come out of the oven.

"I wouldn't call it sad." She said looking at me as she sat down in a chair at the table, "just rather interesting, a pediatrician that bakes cookies and cleans house too. Max must be getting spoiled rotten."

"That he is." I said, "he's about the only on there who has a woman who brings him hot meals at work every now and then. I try to make lunch at the hospital with him a couple of times a week depending on how busy they are." I find myself saying, realizing just how mundane my life really seemed now.

"You seem to like it though."

"There's not much not to like." I find myself saying, "I don't have the long hours anymore, no one is puking on me, no more being hit or bite. I miss it though; don't tell Max I said that, he thinks that he has me convinced not to want to go back to work, that I like this life of luxury."

I hear Abby laugh softly, "you secrete is safe with me, besides if I were you I would be chewing my arm off to be able to work, I don't think that I could ever be a stay at home wife."

"Well I don't think that I can do this forever, I mean after all it does get rather boring." I say, "Here have a cookie."

That gets me another laugh, "yeah I think I will." I watch her reach for the plate taking one of the gooey warm cookies from it. She smiles at me, "oh these are good, you have to love warm cookies and coffee, ever adults sweet treat."

"I am glad you like them." I say taking one off the plate.

"So what's up Anns?" I hear her ask there's a more serious look upon her face now, "you did not call for any reason at all. Something tells me there's more here than small talk a company for a lonely housewife."

"Well yeah," I say looking kind of down rather than at her, "I mean there is a reason and all."

"So spill the reason girl."

"I needed someone to bounce something off of." I am getting to the point slowly but surely.

"You can bounce anything off me. You know that's what friends are for."

"Well that might be a stretch but you know this isn't something that I can talk to just anyone about." I say in a soft voice. I couldn't help but wonder if we were good enough friends to be talking about something like this. I was a little nervous about it all to begin with and well, in the back of my mind I can't help but wonder how I am going to get her and Carter back together, the conversation might have been revolving around me and Max and having a baby but all I could think about at that moment in time was my mission.

I look up at Abby and she now has a rather worried look upon her face, "Anna what is it?" There's a tone to her voice that makes me think that I have worried her and that wasn't what I was trying to do.

"It's nothing that serious Abby," I say trying to put her back at ease, "there's just something that I have found my self, well rather obsessed with."

I hear her let out a giant sigh of relief, "what has you troubled?"

I'm not quite sure to say this other than to just come right out and say it, put what had been flying around in my head out into the world rather than it just being random thoughts that I kept to myself, "I think I want a baby."

Abby looks at me her eyes wide, as if that's not what she had expected to me say, "A baby wow, have you talked to Max about this?"

"No," I say playing with my hands now, "I don't know how he'd feel about all of this, it's not like we can… well we…" This is harder to say than I thought it would be, "I can't have one."

I watch as her expression changes now, "because of the cancer."

All I can do is nod now, there are small tears in my eyes, none were falling but it was enough to make the misty, "I think Max would like a baby too, I just don' know it's not something that is really doable."

Abby puts her hand onto mine now, "of course it is Anna." Her voice is soft now as she talks to me, "you just can't have one the old fashioned way but it is still doable."

"Do you really think so?" I ask.

"Of course it is Anna." She says to me with a soft smile, "you have plenty of other options out there. You could adopt a baby, or be a foster parent, or there's even the possibility of having someone be a surrogate mother for you. You need to talk to Max about all of this though, I'm sure he would want to know how you are feeling, that this is something that is on your mind."

"I know you are probably right about that." I look down, "I just can't help but feel like I have let him down in some way. You know what I mean, that this is something that we had talked about shortly after we got married and then all of this happened and now, now I can't."

"Oh Anns." She says looking at me, "honey you could never let him down like that." She says as if she knows really what she is talking about, "Max loves you complete and he would do just about anything for you and you not being able to have a child, he's going to still love you just as much. I'm sure that he would rather have you here with him than anything else."

"You really think so," I'm not sure why I said that, did I… could I ever really doubt that Max loved me. After everything that we had been through and the fact that even thought I tried to push him away he was still there should have been a strong enough indicator that he wasn't going to go anywhere no matter what.

"I'm positive Anna." She said with a certainty in her voice. "There's nothing that man wouldn't do for you. He really does sweetie, you can see that in the way that he talks about you, the way that he rushed back here when he knew you were asking for him. That man is definitely in love with you. He's got it bad."

That puts a soft smile on my face, "yeah he does have it bad."

She laughs, "He is addicted to you Anna and that it putting it very mildly. Really talk to him I think that you might be surprised and what he has to say, and if he feels the same way that you do, then together you can figure this all out. I know that the two of you can work through this, especially now that you have gotten some of it off your chest you should be able to talk a little more freely about it with him."

"Thanks Abby." I smile over at her, "it should be easier now that I am not going nuts. It's just has been something that I can't stop thinking about lately."

"Well if you can't stop thinking about it, you should talk to him and make those thoughts reality."

"You're right Abby."

"Feel better Anna?"

"Yeah I do," I say, "thanks I feel much better."


	30. A friend in need

_A/N: Okay guys I have taken into consideration what those who have reviewed the story have said and the updates might come a little slower now because I scrapped a few chapters and reworked this. I'm still working on reworking some of it. I'll update as again as soon as I can._

**Chapter 30: A friend in need**

I did have the conversation with Max finally not that it went the way that I expected it too, but it went over somewhat well, he was, or had been thinking the same things that I had been, we made the decision to go forward with it and I spent countless hours working on trying to find out how we would do about it, what we needed to do, nothing seemed to be a viable option for us right now, not with the current state of my health and it all wore at me just a little bit more than I wanted it too.

The days just seemed to get shorter on me as we explored the alternatives. It seemed as if this was a never ending cycle for me. The months started to pass a lot faster too, as winter faded into spring, which started to turn now into summer. I had been spending less time with my friends than before becoming a little more withdrawn. Spending hours up in my room doing little things that never amounted to much. I did find some solace now in painting. When the door to adopting a baby was closed I began to think that it was something that was never going to happen, and going back to work, to take my mind off everything kept coming up.

Every time I mentioned to Max the possibility of going back to work, he seemed to shoot it down, the answer was always the same, no I think that you should stay at home still, you never know what might come up. But yet he was the one that was free to leave the house every day and go and do something that meant something. I was feeling like I was being left behind. Stuck in a vortex, with nothing but my arts and crafts to keep me company. It wasn't like I was forced to be stuck at home day after day and I did after a little while start to venture out to do something other than the grocery shopping. I did stop scrubbing the kitchen floor every day though. My house had become immaculate, there was no dust, dirt or grime to be found anywhere, and Martha Stewart could have come through with her white gloves on touched any place in my house and not have a speck of dirt on them.

Yet I somehow took great pride in that. It felt good to know that I could keep such good house, but then I was home all day long with out much else to do. I had redecorated the house a couple of times too, and there were small things around that I had managed to make myself. Max was actually more than happy to have one of the paintings that I had done hang in our living room, granted it wasn't something that you would find in an art gallery but it didn't completely suck either you could tell what it was.

"Anna why don't we have a party?" Max said to me one night after he got off work and we were sitting and having dinner.

"A party?" I repeated back looking up from the food that was in front of me, "why would we have a party?"

"I don't know but why don't we invite a few people over you know for dinner, drinks, we could set up the grill in the back yard. I'm sure it would be nice for you to have some people over, just hang out for the evening."

"That does sound kind of nice." I say there's a lack of enthusiasm in my voice.

"Oh come on Anna, it would be nice to have people over." He said, "We've spent most of our nights lately alone, staying in, it would do you some good to be around friend."

"I'm sure your right." I say in the same tone I was using before when I answered him.

"We can invite over Doug and Carol, Abby, Carter." He said as he started to list off people, "Susan and Chuck would probably come too."

"Those are all my friends, what about yours?"

"We can have my friends over some other time." He said looking at me wide eyed as if this was the best idea he could have ever come up with, "what do you say baby?"

"Yeah sure sounds good." I reply back now as I stand up to clean up the dinner dishes and the mess from cooking it.

"Let me give you a hand tonight."

That threw me for a loop, normally after dinner he would go in and read catching up on journals and the like while I cleaned up the kitchen. "Yeah sure."

We worked in there getting everything cleaned up; it was like Max was trying to pay a little bit of extra attention to me tonight, he kept purposely brushing up against me as we cleaned up loading the dishwasher. I didn't say anything about it and when we were done I headed for what you could kind of call the den. I had liked the lighting in that downstairs room better than in any of the other's in the house so I had set up my little painting corner there, tucked away in one corner, so that I was out of the way of all of Max's medical stuff, his books and his old journals. He had the computer set up on the desk and all the peripherals that went along with it. And a space for him to work from his laptop if there was something from work that he needed to do. I sat down in the chair and set up my pallet again. Not that this was any fancy kind of painting, but I was trying hard to learn how to do this by watching videos and PBS. It passed the time for me and was relaxing. I reached over and turned on a CD, the soft classical piano music filled the room, but I didn't have it very loud for I didn't want to disturb him.

"Anna," I hear Max calling to me from the living room, "Anna phone!"

I walk over and pick up the extension. "Hello," I say when I have the receiver cradled up to my ear.

"Hey Anna," I hear Carter's voice on the line, "could you meet me somewhere for some coffee?"

"Yeah I think I can." I reply back. He sounds upset and I'm not sure what's going on. "Where do you want to meet?"

"Can you meet me at the Starbucks just down from the hospital in about fifteen minutes?"

"Yeah Carter I can be there." I say wondering what is wrong now.

"Okay I will see you then."

The line goes dead and I hang the phone back up. I put my stuff away so that it's back out of the way and head out into the other room. Max looks at me rather oddly because I am now grabbing my coat and keys. Leaving the house isn't something that I did when he was home.

"What did John want?" I hear Max ask, they still didn't seem to get along that well each of them thinking the same thing about the other one for the most part.

"I don't know for sure honey," I walk over and give him a quick kiss on the cheek, "he just asked me to meet him and I said that I would." I put my arms into my coat now.

"You want me to go with you?" He asks, "You shouldn't be out at night by yourself."

"I'll be fine." I say heading for the door, "don't worry I have my cell phone if anything happens."

"Anna I wish that you wouldn't go."

"Max everything is going to be fine, I am just going down to the Starbucks, it's not like I am going walking down around the docks late at night."

"You could have waited until morning." He said, he is giving me a weird look now and I don't know what to make of it.

"Starbucks, I am going to Starbucks, no where else would you just not have a conniption fit about this right now please."

"Anna, it's late and I don't want you out after dark, God only knows what could happen."

I find that I just let out this low growl as I head out the door against his protests. I know that I am going to be fine that he's just being overprotective right now.

I head for the Starbucks where I had agreed to meet Carter. There was something that was bothering him and as his friend I knew that I should try and help him with what ever the problem might have been. I park and head inside looking around to see I can see him, but there's no sign of him in there yet. So I walk up order a cup of coffee and sit down at a table where I can see the door to wait for him. I can help by have my mind wander what was going on tonight that made him decide that he needed to call me. I think that this was the first time since I had gotten to Chicago that he had called me like that out of the blue needing me to talk to. I had always just assumed that if something was bothering him he went and talked to his male friends.

I looked up just in time to see a much frazzled looking Carter come into the coffee shop. "Over here." I said so that he would know where I was, you could tell by the look on his face that something was amiss. I would try and do what I could for him, but even I had my limitations on what I could solve. I watched as he sat down at the table with me and I slid a cup of coffee over in front of him.

"Thank Anna," he said looking more down than actually at me.

"Hey don't mention it, that's what friends are for." I find myself saying back to him.

"I know but it's late and I drug you away from Max." He replied.

"You didn't drag me away from anything Carter," I say in a very mellow tone, "what's up?"

"Kem called last night."

"Oh," I say wondering if this was a good thing or a bad thing. That was a name that I hadn't heard him mention in a while, "what did she want?"

Carter now looked up, "just to talk, I guess."

"And?" I am trying to get him to elaborate a little more, for this seemed to be what was troubling him.

"Wendell was over when she called, it was pretty late last night. She left."

Carter seemed upset about that but I'm not sure why. There had to be more to this that what he was telling me about all of this, now it was going to be my turn to have to poke and prod him to get the answers from him. "Does that surprise you?" Yikes that sounded extremely psychologist like. Not quite how I wanted it to come off but it would have to do now that the words were out there on the table.

"Yeah kind of."

"John," I say, "you expected her honestly to be the third wheel in all of this."

"She's not the third wheel Anna."

Oh no not good he's getting defensive but it's my job to get him to see this, the way that the rest of us had been seeing it. Tough love maybe the only way to get through his bloody thick skull. But leave it to me, mission impossible was about to start. "Do you really believe that?"

"What are you a friend or Dr. Phil?"

"Ouch there." I say back to him, "I'm your friend John." I refrain from rolling my eyes at him, which would have been my natural response but thought that maybe I really should use, a little more tact in my approach to all of this. "Seriously John how to you feel about Wendell, you had been with her what a month?"

"Three." He says in a flat tone, "we had been seeing each other for three months." There's that defensive tone and posture again, but I'm not going to let it get to me.

"And three months for what John?" I asked. I wanted him to tell me just where he thought that relationship was going.

"We had a good time together."

"And you and I have a good time together but that doesn't mean anything," okay might not have been the best example that I could have used at that point in time.

"What let me guess you think that I need to cut my ties with Kem too?"

"Carter the woman is in Africa. You are in the states, those are two different places separated unmistakably by an ocean, this is not your typical long distance relationship that you have going. If you were serious about her you never would have started seeing Wendell."

"But we had a child…"

"Carter, stop using that as an excuse to flog a seriously dead relationship." I said to him now, "you can't rekindle something that doesn't have anything there to rekindle. Kem left, she went back to her comfort zone and left you here what does that say, honestly what do you think that says? Is that how you say I love you?"

"Now wait just a minute oh holier than thou royal highness." Carter snapped back. "You did the same damn thing leaving Max in Philadelphia when you came to Chicago."

"Oh now you hold on just a minute there." I find myself saying. "That was not the same thing and you know it. Is she willing to drop everything that she has in Africa to come back to you, or are you willing to severe all your ties here and go there?"

"You know I don't want to leave Chicago." He said his voice softer.

"Well is she willing to leave Africa?" I use that one as my rebuttal.

"Not that I know of." Carter says back to me.

"Well then," I am going to point out the painfully obvious to him right now, "do you honestly think it was fair to drag Wendell into some weird triangle. A love for a woman that you have that you can't return? She's not the only one that you are in love with either Carter." Okay might as well lay it all out on the table.

"Yeah she is." He says back to me, "she was the only one right now."

"Hmm, that's not how it appears to be on the outside Carter." I say now, "you have more than one unfinished, dangling love and you know it."

"You are seeing things that aren't there now."

"Am I?"

"Yeah Anna you are, shit, I asked to talk to you because I thought that you would understand somewhat and now you are giving me some kind of third degree."

"I'm doing it because you asked me. Not because I want to or feel that I need to."

"Yes you are, kick a guy when he's down."

"You are down because you were three timing Carter, you can't have your cake and eat it too."

"I was not!"

"Get a little more defensive there Carter and maybe I might be into it. I have some ocean front property in Arizona that you might like to buy from me too."

"I was not cheating like that."

"Oh yes you were Carter, you were with one woman, you have one a continent away and you have been thinking about another one."

"I have not you are so off base Anna, did you forget to check in with reality this morning?"

"No I did not!"

"You had to have, since you are clearly hallucinating about my life."

"Yeah well then John, tell me, why have you been avoiding Abby?" I ask with a dead serious tone in my voice, "and don't you dare try to lie to me either because I will know that you are in a heart beat!"

"I have not been avoiding her; we just don't see each other anymore. I can't help it if we don't work the same shifts."

"Yeah and that's why you told Kerry not to put you down for the same shifts that she works," I say, "come on please I might not work at the ER anymore but I have enough friends who do who kept me informed about all the latest gossip that floats the halls."

"Busy body."

"Two timer."

"Brat."

"Goober."

"Idiot."

"Jack off."

"Bitch."

"Stubborn jackass."

He looks at me, "really now?"

"Yes you are." I say to him, looking at him, "I honestly think that and I think you know it's true."

"Well," I watch and see him roll his eyes.

"Come on," I reply.

"I might be stubborn."

"You might be stubborn, oh please." It's my turn to roll my eyes.

"Well I can be if it's important."

"I would say that this is important. You know you are avoiding her too," I say.

"No I am not avoiding her, really I'm not. I am just busy."

"Yeah you could say that you are busy, but I still say that you are avoiding her. You're scared of something." I am looking at him my chin resting on my hands as I play a little with the almost empty paper coffee cup.

"I am not scared of anything." He says back to me.

"Oh really." I raise my eyebrows at him.

"What do I have to be scared of?" He asks me.

"Oh I don't know maybe there's something there and you don't want to admit that it is still there?" I say I point with the coffee cup before trying to see if there's anything left in it. "You still have feeling for her, and you are afraid to admit it, hence avoiding her, not being near her, makes it easier to forget."

"Oh are you a shrink now Anna?"

"Not that I know of." I reply without much thought. "It's not that hard to deduce when I have known you so long."

"Really so you think that you know me well enough to know what I am feeling?"

"Yes and no." I say, "I know you and I can read you but as to what you are feeling that my dear you will have to enlighten me on."

"There's nothing to enlighten upon you for you are way off base."

I chuckle a little, "see you are stubborn John."

"I am not." He looks down at the table for a moment before looking back up at me. "You are just seeing something that isn't there."

"Yeah sure," I reply, he's cute when he's hiding like that, "you going to keep insisting that I am seeing things, that I am nuts here because you get this look on your face when you talk about her."

"I'm not in love with Abby."

There's a dead giveaway that he is lying by the way he glances down away from me when he says it. I am half tempted to call him on it. His cheeks are red a little and he's not looking at me right now. "Let me guess you don't want me to press this, you would prefer for me to drop this." I give him a little smile.

"Yeah I would Anna."

"Hmm," I smile softly at him, "but there is something that tells me this is just too much fun not to drop. You are rather cute when you are flustered."

"Glad that you seem to think so." He says not looking at me now.

"Oh come on John." I say looking at him, "it's not that I enjoy tormenting you." I find myself saying to him, but it is kind of fun to tease him when he is one that blushes so easily when you've gotten him cornered on something that he knows you've caught him on.

"We can just drop this then." He says looked over at me.

"Isn't this what you wanted to talk about?" I use as my rebuttal to his question.

"Kind of, but Abby isn't a part of the equation now is she?"

"That depends upon how you look at it." I say.

"Now who isn't make sense, what do you mean it depends on how you look at it, I'm telling you that Abby isn't part of the equation."

"John," I say my voice soft as I reach across the table and put my hand onto his. "Why are you so adamant about that?"

"There's nothing there." He said looking away from me.

"How can you be so certain?" I ask, yikes I am starting to sound like a shrink now.

"Because I blew it." He said his eyes still were focused where they had been.

"I wouldn't say that." I say my hand still sitting where it had been.

"Yeah I would say it, how in the world could she still feel anything for me." He doesn't move his eyes when he talks.

"I would say that you have both made some mistakes but I wouldn't put the blame on either one of you." I say, "Sometimes you just have to fight for what you really want; I think Kem and Wendell have both been substitutes for what you really want. You just lost sight of what you wanted and tried to get it in the wrong place."

"It's broken beyond repair, she's moved on."

"It might seem like that but if you keep avoiding her and you don't talk to her then you will never know now will you?" I say, "It might not be broken beyond repair, nothing is ever broken that badly. It just seems like it."

"I don't think that anything will fix this and I don't know if I want to even try. She just seems so happy why should I mess with that."

"You are not messing with anything." I find myself saying. "Maybe you should talk to her, it never hurts to talk, get things out in the open. You are sitting on feelings and you should get them out there. Abby will never know how you really feel if you don't tell her."

"I don't think I should though." Carter said.

"Why not?"

"I think I already made my point as to why I don't want to tell her, she's happy Anna."

"But if you don't tell her John, she'll never know and she might just be settling for the next best thing that came along. We all tend to do that when we can't have what we want, or it seems impossible to have it, we feel that we have no choice but to take what comes next and if it offers us a glimmer of happiness and doesn't cause us pain."

"I don't think Abby has settled." Carter said back to me.

"If you say so." I say back to him, I'm not going to argue or push him right now anymore. My little mind is flying as to what I might be able to do now to make mission impossible maybe mission possible. If they both see things the same way I might have some of my work cut out for me. Looks like I was going to have to have a conversation with Abby now and see the other side of the story. We sat there for a little while longer talking about nothing really. He just let me know a little more about what was going on at County. Gossip was never a bad thing in my eyes. I knew what I needed to do and just needed to formulate the plan.


	31. Blind

**Chapter 31: Blind**

As I drove home that evening nothing seemed right. I knew that I needed to talk to Abby see where this might go, but yet something inside me was telling me, that little voice nagging at me. You know that voice that tells you that there is definitely something wrong but you try and turn it off and ignore it, knowing full well that what it's trying to tell you probably isn't what really is going on. I just kept going finally turning on the radio in the car, for the silence in the car was making my brain work overtime.

I pulled the car into the driveway; something wasn't the way that it should have been. I thought that there had been more lights on when I had left and now there was just the porch light on. I wasn't sure what to think, maybe he had just gone to bed and forgot that I was out, but why would he forget that I was out after the conversation that we had, had when I left. I was reading too much into this, after all Max couldn't have been that upset that I had decided to go out and have coffee with Carter.

I turned off the engine to the car, letting out a fairly long sigh. I pushed my hair back from my face as I leaned forward to push the hair out of my face. Locking up the car for the night I headed to the front door. My hand hits the doorknob and I find that it locked; he must have gone up to bed. I slide my key into the door and turn it, pushing it open, as I reach around to flip on the lights, there's still nothing out of the ordinary here that I can see. He must have been more upset that I thought he had been, oh well, we'd work around it, we always did, it wasn't the first time that I would have made him mad and I'm sure that it wasn't going to be the last time either.

I tossed my keys and purse onto the table by the front door habit, so that I would always know where they were from my days of having to run to the ER in the middle of the night when I had been on-call. I started for the stairs but there was something moving in the living room that caught my attention. "Max?"

"Anna!" I watch him bolt up more now off the couch, "I… I… I uh... I didn't think you'd be back so soon."

I look at him for a minute standing there, "uh yeah," I say grabbing my bearings, "why are you in the dark?" Well that might have been a very stupid question to ask.

"Max what's going on?"

I hear the voice as I watch a red headed woman sit up on my couch; the kicker here is that she is half dressed. I feel the life go flying right out of me.

"Anna."

I can see him, I can hear him, but the anger is rising up in me so fast that I can't say anything, almost afraid of what might come out of my Italian mouth right now. I didn't realize that I had been backing up until I feel the wall behind me.

"Anna, please."

Oh no, no that man is not talking to me, he is not begging me for something that there is no way in hell I am going to give him. Not right now. I shake my head softly at first wondering if I can find anything to say, for there is a half dressed woman sitting on my couch, doing god only knows what with my husband. My first thought is to throw his and her half naked asses out of my house. But wait this really isn't my house now is it? No it's his house. I don't have a job, because he didn't want me to take one, well it's becoming rather obvious why he didn't want me to take one, and that reason is sitting there now looking at me. My hands are starting to shake now from being so angry and not saying anything.

"Anna, I can explain…"

"NO!" I almost scream now, explain? Explain what to me? I should say something else but I don't know what to say. I don't want to know why; I really don't want to know. I don't want explanations. I could care less, "I'm leaving." I find myself finally able to move from where I am standing and I am now running up the stairs that man will not see me cry. I will not give him the satisfaction of knowing that he hurt me that bad by doing this.

I quickly find a duffel bag and start throwing some of my clothes into it. I can't believe this is happening, how could he do this to me. I walk into the bathroom and throw a few more things hastily into the bag not really caring as I reach down zipping it closed as I head back for the door to go down and leave. My mind is made up I am leaving; he can keep everything, the house, the cars, his new toy. I am not going to stay here not tonight, and I highly doubt any time soon that I am going to forgive him for this one.

"Anna just wait please, come on baby just give me a minute."

"Forget it." I am on the verge once more of yelling, but I find somehow that I am keeping my tone eerily calm.

"Anna." I feel his hand on my arm as I am reaching for my things that were thrown onto the table when I came inside.

"Don't, don't you dare touch me." I pull away from him, "not now, not ever." I don't give him the chance to say anything else as I go out the door. I have no idea where I am going as I head for my car. I really don't care right now, because I am not staying there. I can't stay there, no this hurts, and this hurts worse than anything else that I could have had to experience at his hands. Why, I knew the answer to that one, I fully understood. Whether what I was thinking was right or not I wasn't going to give him the chance to say anything else. I got into the car and threw it into reverse, one quick glance and I was peeling out of the driveway, you could hear the tires of the car squeal against the pavement as I tore off into the night.

I just kept driving unsure of where I was going to go or where I would end up, Carter's house maybe we had parted on good terms so that was a possibility of a place to crash tonight. Abby's well that was a possibility if I didn't think that her and Jake would be over there or that they would be at work right now. I pulled up finally outside of Carter's house. There were a few lights on and I hoped that I wasn't disturbing him, but I really had no other place to go. Max would probably look at Doug and Carol's before think that this is where I would have gone.

I sat outside the house for a few minutes before finally turning off the car and heading up to his front door. I stood there wondering if this was the right place for me to go, maybe I should have just gone to a hotel or something but it's not like I had a lot of money right now and I granted I could have put it on Max's credit card, I just didn't want to be alone in all reality. I brought my hand up to finally knock on the door.

"Anna."

"John, I'm sorry I know that it's late and I should have called first but I just didn't have any place else to go." The tears that I wasn't going to let Max see were glistening now in my eyes.

"Come in." He puts an arm around me, I'm sure that I am radiating that there is something wrong.

I walked inside the house looking down rather than at him, I'm not sure how to explain what had just happened and I know that I am still reeling from it, from the shock that he could do that to me. I can feel Carter's arm around me as he leads me into the house.

"Anna what's wrong?" I can hear him ask when we get onto his couch, and he gently pulls me down so that I am sitting.

Everything is numb; I have gone completely and totally numb. I'm sure that it is just my body's way of protecting itself from the hurt and heartache, but in the numb state it's hard to find the words to tell him what is wrong, even thought I know that I need to. "Max…" My voice is very weak and there is nothing behind it, no force to carry it much past my lips.

"Max what?"

I can hear the concern that he has for me. Knowing that I wouldn't just come over in the middle of the night for no apparent reason. Yet I am still having a hard time bringing myself to form anything that resembled real words. "Max…" oh here I was trying to do this again, "woman…" Code I think that I was talking in some kind of code but right now I am crying a lot more than when I first got there as the realization of the situation was hitting me full on.

"Take a deep breath Anna."

I do as I am told. Well try to do what I am told for I know that I am not making any sense to him, I have to find the way to find the words to tell him what the problem is. "I need a place to stay tonight." Well that was a start.

"You can stay here Anna." He says.

I think that I have the poor man confused, I know that I am confused and while I am in this state there isn't going to be a whole lot that either one of us are going to be able to do about it. "Don't tell Max I am here." Okay that might have seemed like a very odd request and it might have been but I don't want to face him when he figures out where I have gone. I will move my car so that it's not sitting on the street if I have to in the morning, or have Carter move it back into the garage where it's not noticeable.

"Anna sweetheart." I hear Carter saying, "What's wrong? What happened?"

Lots of questions with a very simple answer but an answer that I am having a hard time getting out. "Max, when I came home from having coffee with you there…" I'm working on getting it out, I'm getting closer to getting it out, and I am almost there, Anna come out you can do it.

"Anna, Max what? What did Max do?"

I wished that he would just put it together on his own so that I didn't actually have to say it, but it didn't appear that my friend there was going to be able to do it on his own. Now I knew that men were dense but jeez I didn't think that even he was that dense. I fight the urge to roll my eyes now at him, "he had…" if I said it, it would hurt more.

"Oh Anna," did Carter finally get what I was trying to say with out saying it. "I'm sorry honey." I can feel him pulling me into a hug, just a hug, but it was something that I needed now more than ever.

I lean into him, it's not like I had anywhere else to go, not that I wanted to be anyplace else right now. There was something about the friendship that Carter and I had that made him be a very comforting person to be around. I bring my hands up to cover my eyes as if that is going to hold the tears in. I can feel him gently rubbing my back now. Soft circles in an attempt to comfort and calm. "I'm… I'm… I'm sorry." I don't know why I am apologizing but I feel the need to whether it is right or wrong that's just what I feel that I need to do right now.

"Come on." I feel those arms pulling me up off the couch after we had been sitting there for a while and my tears had somewhat slowed again, "you don' have to be sorry Anna, you didn't do anything." He leads me gently up the stairs now and to the guest room so that I can lay down. He makes sure that I get to the bed.

I watch as he pulls the covers back motioning for me to climb in to lay down. I slip into the sheets still teary eyed as I look up at him, however the expression that I have on my face right now is a blank one.

"It's okay Anna," Carter says to me as he pushes me back against the pillows pulling the blankets up around me. "You just get some sleep and we can talk about this some more tomorrow if you want and if you don't want to that's fine too."

I can feel the bed sink from where he is now sitting on the edge, I am so emotionally exhausted right now I had no idea which way is up right now and what he is saying is making some sense. But I don't know if I want to go to sleep. I'm not sure what I want to do. I can feel him pushing the hair back from my face, the few pieces that had fallen over so that they were almost in my eyes.

"I don't want you to worry about anything right now. There's nothing that you need to worry about right now." He says in a soft voice, there's compassion in it, almost as if he can understand more of what I am feeling that what I am myself.

My eyes are starting to drift shut now that I am tucked into the warm bed. That and there is just something soothing in the, I think it was in the tone that he was using with me that was making me relax.

"That's it Anna," I can feel him still stroking my head, as if he knows that it's a weakness of mine and that if he does it long enough that I am going to drift right off to sleep. The doctor knows best and right now I am not in the shape to argue with him. He's really gotten me to relax.

Carter's touch is the last thing that I am aware of as sleep pulls me deeply into its hold.


	32. Daylight

_A/N: Sorry that it has taken me so long to update this, I will try and get them up a little faster. Thank you for all the reviews._

**Chapter 32: Daylight**

I awoke to the soft feeling of sunlight on my face. Rolling over in the bed I was almost hoping that last night had just been a very bad dream, but when my arms wrapped around nothing more than a pillow, feeling the coldness of the other side of the bed I knew it hadn't been. That this was now my reality. I slowly sat up as my eyes adjusted to going from a sleeping state to being awake. I was in Carter's spare bedroom. I reached for my bag, to grab some clean clothes and then headed in to take a shower.

I think that I was hoping that the hot water would somehow wash away everything that I might have been feeling but for some reason it didn't and the silence that was in there was just making me think about everything even more. I finished, dried off, changed and headed down stairs.

"Morning John." I said as I crossed into the kitchen.

He was sitting at the table reading over the morning paper, "morning Anna, did you sleep okay?"

"Yeah," I replied getting a cup of coffee and snatching the classified section from the paper that was sprawled out over the table in front of him, "like a baby."

I watch as he gives me a soft smile, "that's good to hear."

I just nod as I open it up, not sure what I am going to find, it's not like there were going to be any listings for physicians in the paper.

"Looking for something?"

"A job now I guess, apartment maybe." I reply not looking up from where I had my eyes intently focused.

"You can stay here as long as you need to, don't worry about that." I hear him say.

"Thanks John, but a single guy like you doesn't need me hanging out at his house cramping your dating style." I say trying to give him something that resembled a laugh.

"You cramping my dating style, you don't have to worry about that." He said, "I don't have a social life right now and I'm not in a hurry to run out and find one."

"Ahh," I say looking up at him, "are you trying to tell me that you have willingly taken yourself off the market?"

"I'm not a side of beef there Anna."

"All men are." Well that remark might have been a little uncalled for, maybe bordering on the side of snotty, could have even been classified as tasteless.

"Only in your eyes."

"Got that one right." I say. "Sorry I didn't mean anything John." That wasn't an overly heart felt apology but I felt that I needed to give him something, a small sign of friendship for I didn't have anything against the man at all. I was just still reeling from the events of last night. I felt, well I felt rather burned.

"Yeah sure you didn't." He looks over at me now, "it's okay really."

"You know you can say to me, Anna stuff it, life isn't over stop moping." I am really being sarcastic but I didn't think it would hurt to say it.

He reaches across the table touching my hand, "nope Anna life isn't over but you don't have to stop moping on my account. Really I might say that to you in a few days but right now, honey you can mope, cry, slam things, just as long as you don't threaten to end my life, we'll be just fine."

"The last thing that you need is a tearful, crying, and angry at the world Anna." I smile softly, it's not a giant smile, but it's the best that I can do right now. "I don't think you could handle that."

"Oh I think that you don't give me enough credit there my dear." He says looking now over the edge of the paper, I can see those two brown eyes peeking at me.

"Yeah, you are right. I'm sure after everything that you see at County, do at County, that one Anna is not nearly as bad as say twenty psychopaths."

"Smart ass." He remarks back, "but that's a good thing to see coming from you."

"Yeah." I say, "You might not think so in a day or two after having to put up with me. Really I think that I should try and put together something that resembles a life."

"Are you just going to pretend then that last night didn't happen?"

I think about it for a minute, "Yeah that's the plan."

"Not a very good plan there Anna."

"Oh posh," I say waving a hand at him, "there's nothing wrong with that plan."

"Denial doesn't suit you Anna."

"Denial is all in fashion right now John." I stab back, thinking that some sick humor might make things better.

"Ha, ha, you crack me up Anna." He says looking at me.

I don't like the serious look that he has on his face right now. Something tells me that we are headed for a very deep, not wanted conversation, well his side might get deep, my side would consist of those cute one word answers that you tend to give when you really don't want to talk.

"I know that you don't want to talk about it, that if you pretend it didn't happen that maybe it will all go away." He says.

"Yes."

"Anna come on you have to talk about it a little, start to come to terms with it, figure out what you are going to do now."

"Yes."

"Can you say anything but yes?" He asks.

"No."

"Anna," he says with some force behind his voice.

I just smile at him giving him a real grin this time knowing that I have managed to frustrate him some, even though he's just trying to help, it's not something that I want to discuss right at this moment in time, "yes?"

"You can be a stubborn brat."

"Yes."

"Stop that."

"No."

"Anna."

"John."

He growls at me.

"Uh huh," I say back hearing that.

"You are frustrating."

"Yes."

"Girl, just stop that okay please, really now knock it off."

"Okay."

I watch as he sets the paper down now, uh oh I think I really worked his panties into a knot now. Oh well, he'd get over it. I hope.

"Anna Del Amico stop being such a stubborn whore and talk to me would you."

"Whore?"

"Yeah."

"Oh you little…"

"Three words, amazing."

"John Carter you just don't know when to give up do you?"

"Oh I got a whole sentence."

Crap now he's frustrated me, turn around after all is fair play, one could say, "Give it a rest would ya?"

"Nope."

"Please?"

"When you talk to me."

Not the response that I wanted from him. "I don't want to talk about it right now."

"Yeah sure you might not want to talk about it but you need to talk about it, can't let something like this fester Anna, it will only get worse if you do."

"Stop pushing." I retort.

"No, it's for your own good."

"John you know how to ruin a perfectly good morning don't you."

"Yes, Anna I am very good at that right now."

"I ought to take you out back and beat you to death, but then I wouldn't have a place to stay."

"Oh so you not beating me, it is for your own benefit and not mine then?"

"Carter!"

"You've never been afraid to talk to me before, why now?"

"Who says that I have never been afraid to talk to you?" Change subject quickly.

"Oh please," Carter said to me now, "you have always been able to talk to me, it's what makes us such good friends, I talk to you, and you talk to me, that's the way it works, has worked and will continue to work."

"Yeah well Mr. Smarty pants, there's a lot that you don't know and there's a lot that I am not going to tell you so there!"

"Okay back the train up, we went from adults to children in two seconds flat." I hear him say to me.

"So what, I can be a child if I want to be and you can't stop me." My tongue flies out of my mouth at him.

He reaches to grab it and as fast as it went out I have pulled it back in, "toddler you are. Did someone miss there nap today?"

I reach across the table to hit him in the back of the head. "No, I did not." There is something that resembles a hint of a smile on my face again now that we have shifted back to playing with each other more than anything else right now. It's not that I didn't want to talk; it was that right now I didn't want to think about what had happened. Max could wait until I felt like dealing with it. As far as I was concerned our marriage was over, he screwed up not me, and I felt that there was no reason for me to continue to try to fix it. I might have walked away the first time, but I never did anything like this to him.

"What are you thinking about now Miss Anna?"

I didn't realize that I had drifted into my own thoughts. That I had become quiet again. "Nothing."

"Yeah, right nothing you are thinking about something. You have drifted off on me."

"Not on purpose." I find myself saying.

"Well now one drifts off on purpose." He says back to me, "you are thinking about something."

"It's not important." I am at least able to give him an answer this time.

"It might not be important to you, or it doesn't seem important to you but that doesn't mean that it is not something that you should carry around with you." Carter said looking at her. "It's not that I want to push you to talk if you don't want too, but that I don't want to see you bottle it up and explode."

"I'm not going to explode." I say softly, "and well John, it's not that I want to talk about all of this, it's just that there really is nothing to talk about."

"I want push you my dear." John said patting her hand. "You need to get some of this off your chest."

"Why so I can cry some more?"

"Well if that's what you need to do then yes."

"Well I don't want to, pushing me to talk about something that I don't want to what am I going to do with you?"

"Ah Anna you know that's what you love about me, my ever persistent ability to push you to the breaking point, well when it's something that is important." Carter said.

"If, and that's a might big if there, I do talk to you will you just let this all go?" I say setting the paper back down that I had been looking at.

"Yeah I would have pushed you more last night but you were just so exhausted honey I thought it was best to let it go, now you are refreshed and it's a new day, so talk there Anna."

"Yeah okay," I say looking down, I'm not sure where to start. "I don't know where to start." I shrug my shoulders.

"The beginning would be good."

"Okay I was born in April of…"

"That's back just a little too far." Carter says cutting me off.

"You said the beginning." Stalling tactic has been employed.

"Well not that beginning." Carter said, "Stop stalling."

Oh man he called me on it, how can that man know me so well. Guess that's what I get for having him as one of my best friends. "Who says I'm stalling here?"

"Anna."

Oh that's the look that I was expecting after saying that one. "After I got home from having coffee with you, well Max was there on the couch with another woman." I say, "and that's all there is to it. I grabbed some stuff and came straight over here. What more can I say. I'm mad at him, I'm shocked that he could do something like that, and I have decided that I don't want to fix it."

He's silent for right now and I am trying to figure out if that's a good thing or if he's working on trying to come up with something that is going to try and convince me that I am making some kind of horrible mistake. "John, are you going to say anything or are you just going to sit there with that blank look on your face and make me wonder what the hell you are thinking?" I ask after a minute or two has passed with him not saying anything.

"Uh I really don't know what to say to you." I hear him finally say.

"Well, I'm not sure if that's a good thing or if that's a bad thing, but for right now you are not telling me that I am making some horrible mistake." I tap my fingers on the table now just out of nervous habit.

"No, I definitely don't think that you are making some horrible mistake. I guess after everything I have to admit that I am not shocked by this."

My turn to sigh again, "Why am I not surprised that you would say something like that. I know you don't like him and well right now I can't say that he's one of my favorite people."

"No, I won't deny that I never have really liked him, but I tried to be happy for you."

"Right now that's not much of a comfort either there buddy." I say softly, "Because right now honestly I am not overly happy with my decisions."

"You didn't know that he was going to do this to you." Carter says.

"That's not much of a comfort either there John."

"It's not my job to be comforting." He says rolling his eyes, "maybe it's cause I don't know what to say to make any of this make any sense, or even how to help you find your way through it."

"Ah, you have done enough for me really John; you don't have to worry about getting me through this too." I say. "I think that I can find my way through it eventually, but it's just going to take some time."

"Yeah you have a tendency to land on your feet," he smiles at me, "that is when you aren't landing on your head first."

"Ha, ha, there John. You are such a comedian, do me a favor though don't quit your day job."

"Yeah right there I thought that I had a good shot at being named as comedian of the year."

I shake my head at him, "now I just have to find something that resembles a job."

"I can see if we have any openings at County. I don't think that Susan has replaced Chen yet from when she left in December."

"Yeah that would be helpful." I say as I drop my eyes back to the paper.

"If not maybe someone knows if there is anyplace that has anything." Carter stood up from the table and headed over for some coffee. I have watch him half stare at the paper,

"Yeah I am sure that there is something in this city. Although I don't know if there is a high demand for pediatricians in Chicago. Max got lucky and landed a job, but I really don't want to work at the same hospital as he does."

"I'm sure that there might be some opening at County might not be in the ER. But there might be something up in peds."

I nod, "I'm sure that I can find something in the city. I just need to start checking journals. And when I know that Max has gone to work I want to go over to the house and get some more of my stuff."

"You shouldn't have to give up the house; you should have kicked him out."

"Yeah well it's not really mine now is it?"

"Doesn't matter he owes you at least a place to stay."

"I don't want it; he can finish paying it off himself. I need to get a job, find a lawyer and put all of this behind me. No offense but I am really kicking myself for even letting him back in." I say looking down, how that man can get me to open up when I really don't want to is beyond me.

"Ah, its okay Anna, this one really isn't something that you should beat yourself up over cause it's not really anything you could have controlled. I thought when he came back to Chicago so fast when you were sick that he was honestly there for other reason, but then a snake just sheds his skin he never really changes."

"Ahh comparing my husband to a snake," I look back up quickly, "that does wonders for the ego."

"Yours can afford to take a knocking or two; your head was getting a little big there."

"Thanks." I say moving now to get up from the table. "You know just how to make a girl feel special, guess that's why the women are just flocking to you left and right John."

"Payback like that doesn't suit you very well Anna, you just aren't nearly as fast and witty as you once were guess you are just out of practice in slamming people."

"Yeah," I say, "I have stuff that I need to take care of today, I can't see here and talk with you all morning long."

"Tired of my company already?" He said moving now some too, "want me to go with you?"

"You don't even know where I am going, are you sure you want me to answer that." I say crossing my arms over my chest.

"I don't think that you are going anywhere that I would be uncomfortable at."

"Ha, I'm sure that I could come up with something just to, well make you uncomfortable." I say not really wanting to get to close to Carter right now, my emotions are running strong, and the young doctor, okay well not young, but he was pretty damn fine.

"Maybe we could do lunch together?"

"Hmm," I say putting my hand on my chin, "I have a lot I really need to get done John, maybe we could do it tomorrow?"

"I have to work tomorrow during the day."

Well that got me out of that one for now, "well then maybe the day after or something, it's not like I am going anywhere for awhile John."

"Yeah," he said looking at me with that sweet smile, the one that could melt even an ice queen's heart.

"Oh now don't give me that look." I say, "Cause who could say no to a look like that."

Oh no, he's smiling now, what am I doing? I can't be leading him on, this shouldn't be encouraged, hmm maybe just a little bit, it's not like either of us have anything serious going on with anyone. Wait, this is John, I can't be seriously considering this. No I should not be flirting with John, that's the last person who I should be trying to start something romantic with, but he's got this cuteness about him and he's smart. John's sensitive, I could go for that kind of person right now. But then he's a doctor and we tried this once before and it didn't work. It didn't work because I was hung up on Max, I'm not hung up on Max anymore, and okay well maybe I am a little.

"Then you will have lunch with me?"

Oh how can I say no, he's opened up his home to me, he's been such a good friend, but what I am feeling right now goes beyond friendship? What if he's feeling the same thing that I am feeling? We can't do this, but then maybe we could, what would it hurt? Would we really be doing anything wrong, yes we would be doing something horribly wrong. I would be taking advantage of an old friend, whether I meant to or not. I have no idea if what I am feeling for John right now I am feeling because there's something still there or if it's because revenge would taste so damn sweet right now. I am not a spiteful person, but what happened last night cut deeper than anything that ass could have done. That's not good Anna, stop thinking like that, you are going around in circles you can't have a relationship with Carter, and Carter belongs to Abby. But Abby has Jake, so if she's with Jake then technically….

"Anna?"

"Huh," I'm snapped from my thoughts by his voice, "yeah what John?"

"You have to stop doing that Anna."

I look at him with a near blank expression on my face, I really hadn't meant to drift off on him like that twice in one sitting but when your thoughts take over your head there's not much that you can do about it and well my thoughts kept running away with me. "Sorry," I say working on some form of an apology to him, "I have a lot on my mind right now, kind of hard to stay focused I guess." Well that wasn't much of one but it was something.

"Yeah I understand, I think."

"Well if you understand it you are one step ahead of me." Did I just say that, insert foot into mouth, I tell myself now. I really don't want to tell him what I have been thinking about and that statement if he reads anything into it, well it just doesn't bode well for me.

"Want to tell me what it is that you are so lost in thought over?"

"Just thinking about all the little things that I need to do," I try to hide anything that resembles a smile from my face as my mind goes into places that it shouldn't. Those thoughts are going to get me into all kinds of hot water that is if I don't find a way to pull them back. I can't help it though, there some sort of strong chemistry here right now, or is that just my hormones going into overdrive once more. I don't know for sure what it is, and I'm really not sure if I want to fight it anymore. The more I think about it, or even just look at him, the more I wonder what I gave up. How much more different my life might be if I hadn't made the decision to go back to Philadelphia, would his life be different as well, would that little spark that had been there so many years ago fanned into a flame or would it have been extinguished fairly fast. I definitely was unsure right now of what I wanted. I didn't want to make some horrible mistake, and if I acted on what I was feeling right now, in this moment in time, would I be any better than Max? Was I trying to one up Max here, show that if he could be so callous and cold that I could do the same thing? That was enough right there for me to pull even bit of emotion that I was feeling back up inside me for right now. These thoughts that I was having they would either go away or they would continue on as they were now, but just because I had those thoughts didn't mean that I needed to act on them.

"Anna lunch?"

"Yeah how about I meet you someplace." I find myself saying out loud even though ever bit of the rest of me is screaming don't you do this.

"Okay," I watch him as he grabs a piece of paper scribbling down and address, "I'll meet you here at one. I know you have a lot that you need to do so I will get out of your hair for now and let you get busy."

I watch as he gets up and leaves the room, I can't help but sigh now, all that I can think about, what is consuming every free thought is how sexy that man can be when he doesn't try. I take a few minutes before I get up from the table and find my keys. If all goes well I will be in and out of my house in a matter of minutes and no one would even know I was there. Well that was the plan, if I noticed that he was home, plans could quickly be changed. He was the last person I wanted to see right now. It would be something that I could deal with at a later time. I didn't have to talk to him. I didn't want to hear the excuses that he would have to offer, or even the apologies that he might try to use to smooth things over. Granted we had, had a wonderful relationship while it lasted, but something weren't meant to last forever. My marriage seemed to be one of those things.


	33. Exile

**Chapter 33: Exile**

I drove over to the house, pulling slowly into the driveway so that I could fly out of there if I saw his car, and by the grace of god he wasn't there. I unlocked the front door and let myself in making my way up the stairs to retrieve a few more of my belongings. Standing there in the bedroom I felt this pulling at me, something telling me that if I did this I could never go back. I didn't want to leave him but right now I felt like I had no choice. I picked up the photo frame that was next to the bed, a picture of what seemed to be happier times, but if he could do this, how happy was he?

I don't know why I seemed so worried about it. It's not like this was the end of the world for me. I still had my health, my friends and my extended family. If anything I should have been grateful that he did this now rather than after we had gone through the adoption process and there was a third person involved. But part of me couldn't help but wonder if that's why he was doing this. Finding someone who could give him what I couldn't. I knew that my relationship had come to a screaming halt, and there had to be a reason that it had but unless I talked to him I would never know the reason why. Part of my just didn't want to know what that reason was, to have my faults exposed if somehow I was reason that he did what he did. If I was, I was not going to blame myself, because everything I had personally been through was not something I chose to have to deal with, it was given to me, in ways it made me a stronger person, others a weaker one, but I was still the same person that I had always been.

I started to toss what few things that I really wanted into a couple of suitcases. Everything else could and probably would have to be dealt with later, the one thing that I knew for certain was that I did not want the house, he could keep it, sell it, burn it to the ground but I was not going to live in it. I boxed up some of the pictures and things that I wanted that were of my family. If it was of us, I didn't take them; he could keep those memories to keep him warm during the cold nights that I highly doubted now he would be spending alone. I left it too if it was ours, I wasn't going to give him any reason to want to call me if something was missing from the house that he thought was his.

With the back of my SUV now loaded with boxes and various things I locked the house back up. Looking at it one last time before climbing into my car, this was the one thing that was actually mine. I had bought it before we were married and he could lay no claim to it. It felt good to be leaving with at least something that was out right mine that I had worked at the time hard for. I shook my head as I backed out of the driveway and headed for the address that Carter had scribbled down for me. I didn't want to be late meeting him. At some point in time I would have to call Doug and Carol, let them know that if they wanted me to watch the girls that they would have to either call my cell phone or call me at Carter's depending on how long I stayed there.

Walking away the first time had been hard, this time there was some pain to it, of course there is always pain when you leave someone whom you have promised to live the rest of your life with, but it wasn't nearly as bad as the first time. There were no more tears that I thought needed to be shed. If I could manage to avoid him unless absolutely necessary then I might be able to move on from this with nothing but a few bumps and scrapes. The gaping hole that had been in my heart last night, I think was there out of shock more than anything else, for today, right now, it seemed to have started to close up. Maybe it was that I had come to terms with what was going on a lot more, but I knew that Carter was not going to have to deal with a weepy teary Anna as a lunch date. I might not have had a smile that would light up a room on my face but I definitely wasn't depressed. I was somewhere in the middle of all of that.

I found a place to park, he had picked a small restaurant, nothing overly fancy but when I walked in the front door the food smelled wonderful. I think that I was hungry as my stomach let out a small growl on its own. I glanced around looking to see if I could spot him and I finally did. He was sitting more towards the back of the place where it would be less obvious to people who walked in. I smiled thinking that he was trying to hide us from the world.

"Hey John." I said as I approached the table, watching him stand and move around to pull the chair out for me, waiting like a gentleman until I was sitting again and then pushing me gently into the table.

"I was beginning to think that you had decided to dump our lunch date."

"Ah, now why would I do something like that, it just took me a little longer to get what I needed to get done, done." I smile softly at him, "but as you can see I am here."

"Yes that you are." He smiled at me, "are you hungry?"

"Matter of fact I am kind of hungry." I reply back to him. "Guess I must have worked up more of an appetite than I thought, but the food here smells wonderful." I kind of glance around the room.

"Well the food here is good," he lifts up the menu that is in front of him.

"That's good to know." I say back more half-heartedly than anything, I'm there but I'm not all the way there for a minute. My mind drifts back to what I had just done and how I don't feel the way that I thought I should be feeling giving the ramifications of it all.

"Are you feeling okay?"

I shake my head a little, "yeah I feel okay, I mean I feel rather odd but that's to be expected right now, you know what I mean, it's kind of been a little bit of an emotional rollercoaster for me and I just well," I'm trying to figure out how to say this, "don't feel the way that I thought I would feel."

"Is there a set way that you should feel?"

"I don't know," I find myself saying, and that's the most honest answer I have given him in all the time that we have spent talking. "The way I'm feeling it just to me doesn't feel right."

"You can't change how you feel about something."

"Should I be this sad depressed little blonde ball crying on your shoulder?"

"Are you sad and depressed?"

"No, I'm not and that's why it doesn't feel right." I say looking over at him now. There are a few minutes of silence between us and we are each trying to sort things out in our heads as well as try to decide what looks good for lunch.

It was only after we ordered what we wanted that conversation resumes between us. I really didn't feel anymore like not talking, and knew inside that was probably the best thing right now.

"Anna, you don't have to be sad and upset to the point where you are constantly sobbing, you didn't do anything wrong with this." He said looking at me now, his head resting on his folded hands, "if you aren't, that's fine too, it could still be that you are trying to internally adjust to your new situation."

"Ah, John the shrink now," I say, "didn't you just accuse me of playing that the other night with you? Analyzing your feeling."

"Well it's a bit different this time, I'm not analyzing your feelings I'm just trying to help you out."

"I do believe that I could have said the same thing." I reply back, "but I'm a little more hard headed than you are, and a lot less subtle."

"Anna, in all the time that I have known you I never would have used the word subtle in any of your approaches. You speak your mind when you want to and sometimes you can be brash and down right forward, but the thing about you is that you always have put everyone else before you."

"Well I don't always put everyone else before me; it's just that the majority of the time that's how it ends up working."

"Maybe this time Anna, you should put yourself first."

"But then that would make me selfish and self-centered two qualities that I try very hard not to put forward."

"No, that wouldn't make you either of those. Sometimes we have to put ourselves first and think about everyone else later, you are only human and you need to take care of you too." He points out so kindly to me.

"What would I do with out you pointing things like that out to me?"

"Ah my dear you don't want to find out." He says as he reaches across the table and pats my hand, "and hopefully you never will have to find out."

There's that smile again, the one that makes my heart beat just a little bit faster. My hand tingles from where he touched it. These are not things that you should be feeling when you are with your friend. I have to fight very hard not to lean across table and kiss him. Whoa, where in the bloody blazes are these feelings coming from and why am I even thinking about acting on them. This was going to be a very long lunch date if I couldn't suppress those feelings.


	34. Sparks

**Chapter 34: Sparks**

We enjoyed a leisurely lunch that was something that I hadn't done in a long time. I was actually able to enjoy the food rather than wolf it down because we were eating on a lunch break and there was always that chance of a pager going off. It was getting to be later in the afternoon now as we strolled walking down along the lake. My bare toes in the warm sand, I was tempted to curl up in the sand and take a nap. Hmm, could I curl up in the sand and take a nap, with John beside me something tells me that falling asleep would be something that I wouldn't want to do.

The feeling of attraction had been getting stronger the more time that I spent with him and I didn't know what I was going to do about it, if I should do anything about it. Part of me wanted to and the other part of me didn't. The part that did seemed to be stronger than the part that didn't want to. I was in the middle of an internal tug-o-war about what to do about the way that I was feeling. To act or not to act that seemed to be the question for which there was no relevant answer, the only answer that I kept coming to was the one that I didn't want to act upon. It was one of those that if you went for it, there would be once again no going back and I didn't know if I wanted to risk my entire friendship for one moment in time. It is very tempting; however, I don't want to throw it all away.

The next thing I know is that his hand is now holding mine. I want to scream does he have any idea what he is doing to me; does he know how much this is driving me insane? Oh god he must not know if he knew that he wouldn't be doing this to me. A tingle shoots up my arm from my hand, is that a spark or was one of us carrying just a little too much static electricity. Damn what do I do, does he feel the same way that I do, or am I just firing blank shots into the dark hoping that I hit something.

It was at that moment in time that it hit me, with a force that I never thought that anything could hit me. I couldn't do this. It wasn't that I didn't want to do it, because god knows that I did, but something about it just felt wrong. It just didn't seem like it was the right thing to do. If I did this, I would be undermining something that had a greater good, a more important value, and a love that was stronger than just a quick fleeting romance. He deserved happiness and who was I to try and temper with fate. If I acted on what I was feeling that was exactly what I would be doing.

"So that job at County?" I said breaking the silence and pulling myself from my thoughts; it would be a change of subject, something that was much needed between the two of us right now.

"Job, yeah," He said as if I was talking about something horrible and painful.

"Do you not want me to work at County John? I mean I can look at other places it's not that big of deal, it's just easier to get a job when you know people on the inside."

"Oh no it's not that," I hear him answering me, "I just can't imagine why you would want to go back there when you have so many other options, places that would pay a lot more, better hours, better… well better everything."

"I like being challenged." It was the first answer that popped into my head at the time and I thought it was better than nothing, "besides I have friends that work there." That second part was truer than the first part.

"Challenged huh, well that you definitely will be taking on a job at County."

"Really I don't mind, long hours, crappy pay, that is my cup of tea." I say with a soft smile. I really couldn't imagine taking a job in any other hospital in Chicago for some reason.

"Yeah we shall see how you feel after a month or two, you will probably be ready to pack it all up and head for greener pastures."

"Na, I have perseverance. I'm pretty sure that I can handle just about anything that County throws at me. As long as I don't have to go back to being some kind of slave labor, as in a junior resident or something I will be okay."

"I don't think Susan would stick you in as a junior resident. And well when Kerry overheard me asking, she seemed somewhat thrilled that you wanted on the staff there."

"Oh now that is a shocker. I mean granted it wasn't like I dislike her, but it wasn't like we had any kind of a killer relationship while I was there either." I say as we keep walking.

"She's not as bad as people believe she is." Carter said.

"Yeah I know that. I've worked with worse tyrants than Kerry Weaver." I glance out over the water, "who would have thought that I would ever be back in Chicago, working at County again. It almost seems surreal."

"Well you won't be waking up in the morning back in Philadelphia." Carter kicked the ground now as we walked, "why don't you think about going back?"

That one hit out of the blue, I never thought that he would say something like that to me. "Go back? Are you trying to get rid of me already?"

"No, I am not trying to get rid of you, if I was doing that I would have given you a plan ticket back home and said good luck in your life."

"Well I'm glad you didn't do that because then I would have had to tell you where to shove it, and we know how well you and I can fight. For the most part I think we end up sounding either like a couple of two year olds or to the passerby brother and sister."

"You are, well not like a little sister to me, but you are a good friend, I guess I am just really comfortable with you here and I didn't realize just how comfortable I was with you around."

"Don't get too used to it. I might be staying in Chicago but that doesn't mean that I am always going to be camped out in your house." I glance over at him now, "Seriously, John, you are one of the easiest people I know where I don't have to fight to keep the relationship going. It's almost like we are natural friends."

"Natural friends," he stops walking for a minute turning to face me, "I have been called a lot of things but I don't think that has ever been one of them. Is that a compliment or should I be worried here."

I let out a small scoffing laugh, "no you don't have to be worried about it, that's a compliment, and it really is."

He's standing to close to me, not that I am uncomfortable it just makes it to easy for those thoughts to drift back to that place where I had fought so hard to pull them from. But as much as I want to I don't find myself backing away or even trying to put a little more space between us. My head screams for me too, but there's a little voice inside that is screaming you want it, go for it. I have to listen to my head on this one, I really do, but why am I not moving like I know I need to.

"I know," he says leaning in a little closer to me.

My heart about jumps out of my chest, no this isn't right, you have to stop him, you can't let him make that move that you know he's about to. I've seen that look in other people's eyes and I know where it goes. Anna there's more riding on this and you know it. You are not Abby and you can't be Abby. Thinking that didn't seem to squash what I was feeling much to my amazement. Just once she'd never know, no one would be any the wiser if you did it just the once, but would I be able to stop ever if I did it just the once? Would I want to just snap it to an end after one time? No, I knew that I wouldn't be able to and that I wouldn't want to. So then why wasn't I using my god given brain and stopping him, preventing us from making what could be a very bad mistake?


	35. We all make mistakes

**Chapter 35: We All Make Mistakes**

Time flew by and it seemed that Carter and I were in this weird place, neither of us acting on what we were feeling but yet there was definitely sexual tension between the two of us and it was getting stronger every time we spent any amount of time alone. I did manage to weasel my way onto the staff at County which was a blessing in itself because I was able to work now and bring in some money. I wanted to be able to find an apartment of my own and not have to rely on someone else for a roof over my head. I didn't mind staying with Carter but I needed someplace of my own. I wanted to re-spread my wings and see if I could fly on my own for a little bit.

I knew that I could do it; I just needed to have the chance to be able to do it. I started working night shifts as an attending, being able easily to obtain privileges at County. I renewed my license as a visiting physician for right now in Chicago; I would change it to a resident physician when I was a little more certain that I would be staying here and not going anywhere else.

While I was happy with my job at County I had been keeping an eye on the journals seeing if there wasn't something else out there that I might want to take on. A job with a few more perks; different hours and I really didn't have any qualms about moving once more. I kept mostly to myself in the job department; if I decided to take another position I could and would have that conversation with Carter then.

It was getting to be near the witching hour on a Friday night, we would be getting busy here in about thirty minutes as those who had been out partying on the first night of the weekend would be getting into their cars and heading home. One thing that you could always count on was that there would be at least one MVA that would come in shortly after the bars closed.

I tried not to watch the clock as I finished up with my patient; it was a fairly simple straight forward case of failure to fly. I had a smile on my face as I worked with the three year old who had decided tonight was the night he was going to see if he really was superman. I had to work to keep the mother calm. She was overly worried about her son and what he had done.

"Mrs. Andrews," I said keeping the soft smile on my face, "I assure you this is quite common with three year olds. Sammy isn't seriously injured. I'll be sending him up for x-rays here in a few minutes so that I can get a good look at his arm." I reach down and ruffle the child's hair now, you could tell that it hurt a lot and I had put orders in the chart for the nurses to give him something for the pain, "all little boys at some point in time believe that they can fly." The mother gives me this look like I am nuts, "someone will be in shortly."

I leave the room and take care of a few more people while I am waiting for those films to come back. There's not a lot right now that I can do. I put the films up. Sure enough he had landed on it with enough force to break it and I was going to have to cast it. I moved back to the admit desk just as the MICN went off and I knew that I was going to have a trauma coming in. I didn't want the little one to have to wait too much longer. I didn't think that his mother could handle it. "Neela, cast the kiddo in three for me please, Abby you're with me." I say. "We've got an MVA coming in."

I grabbed trauma gear and headed outside to wait for the ambulance to come in, Abby seemed happy to have the reprieve and grab some air, unfortunately interns weren't technically allowed to take breaks, so that was part of the reason I took her outside with me, she had been working so hard tonight I thought the air would do us both some good and recharge our draining batteries.

"Is your night going okay?" I ask to break the silence that was between us.

"Yeah so far so good." She replies back.

"That's good." I find conversation hard to come by, "Is life treating you okay?"

"Yeah, I heard about you and Max, sorry that I haven't had much free time lately, I've just been working a lot of nights."

"It's okay. I've been trying to work out some small details you know, get back up on my own two feet again." I look down at the ground waiting for the sirens to break the silence of the night now.

"You'll land on them." She says, "You have a pretty good job here. Granted it's not a glamorous hospital but hey we all can't work for privates."

"Yeah well it's not like I have the choice to be overly picky right now. I needed a job that paid something, which is better than nothing." I look back up, "I hope this guy isn't hamburger or anything."

"Ah human and metal versus a non moving object, you never know what we might get." She looks over at me, "I'm sure it will be the highlight of our otherwise fairly routine night."

I smile softly, "yeah I'm sure that you are right." I look out over the bay as I can hear the sirens now, letting us know that it is getting closer and should be arriving momentarily. "I would hate for this to just be a run of the mill unchallenging trauma." I laugh softly at that thought. "Run of the mill would be just fine. I hate to think that my challenges have to come as a result of someone's bad luck."

"Yeah well if they didn't have you then they might not get put back together again." She says as we watch the ambulance fly into the bay. I walk up to the back doors of the rig getting ready for what ever might come out, "ready Abby?"

I watch her nod as I pull the door open and start to get the bullet from the medic that was running off. I have fallen into step with the rolling gurney, "run it Abby." I say knowing full well that she would be able to do this and I was right there incase she needed anything. After all this was a teaching hospital, so I might as well do some teaching.

I keep my eye on her doing the things that she needed a second set of hands to do, but for the most part letting her run the show herself knowing that her doing this would help to build up her confidence especially if I didn't put my hands into it as for any other function than an observer or helper hands.

Finally we had the patient stabilized and I snapped off my gloves, "good job Abby, get him moved upstairs as soon as a bed's available." I watch as she writes on the chart, she looks like she's concentrating on the task at hand.

She nods to me, "okay I've got it."

"I know you do." I say as I head out of the room, she really had the potential to be a very good doctor and there were times like this when you could really see it. She kept a very level head in a stressful and difficult situation. She had the bedside manner that many of the other interns seemed to be lacking, but she still had a lot to learn, even those of us who had been in medicine for awhile still were in a learning situation.

I sat down for two minutes at the admit desk to regroup and finish up what charting I needed to do. It seemed like there was always one or two that managed to get away from you during the night even if you were staying on top of it. I kept glancing up to make sure that things were still going smoothly. The last thing that I needed was any kinds of problems popping up on my shift.

"Anna," I heard a panicked voice calling to me.

I look up to see Abby leaning out of the trauma room from where I had just come a few minutes ago. "What?" I get up heading for the room; something had to have happened if she was calling for me to get in there.

"My patients crashing!" I hear her as she ducks back inside the room.

I am hot on her heels unsure of what might have happened, he was stable when I had left the room, did we miss something that even I didn't see. I was certain that we had everything under control, but obviously I was wrong if he was crashing. "What's going on?"

"His pressure dropped and he coded." She said.

I cross over to the bed and start to reassess the patient, "give me a 6 ET and push the sux and etomidate." I watched and waited for the meds to be on board as I started to intubate the patient, "hang another liter, we need to get his pressures up." I've got someone whose bleeding somewhere and I'm not sure right now where since the cause we not obvious. "I need a DPL kit." I'm thinking that maybe there's internal bleeding that we didn't see. He was stable and didn't appear to be bleeding when he came in.

I'm not sure what we might have missed, he could have had a spleenic fracture that had clotted over and the clot broke free while we were waiting to move him upstairs, it just wasn't making much sense right now and I would have to play detective to figure it out. However, what ever we were going to do was going to need to be done rather rapidly.

"Labs are back." I hear a voice say from behind me. "Do the DPL Abby." I watch her for a second knowing that she could do it as I glance down to look over the labs that were handed to me. Nothing is making much sense here for us. There were no clear cut answers as to what might be going on with this guy. I have to wonder if maybe there wasn't blunt trauma to the chest that we just didn't know about. That someone was unaware that it had happened. His crit was dangerously low now which was indicating that there was bleeding from somewhere we just needed to isolate where it was.

"Positive lavage." I heard Abby say.

"Call the OR. He will need to go upstairs now." Technically he needed to be up there five minutes ago, but we had managed to miss something important, but there were no signs when he came in that there was any internal bleeding. I kicked the brakes off the gurney and made sure that we had everything as we headed for the elevator, we would probably meet the surgeon there.

We handed the patient off to the surgical team before heading back towards the admit desk. It was turning out to be a rather grueling night after that. The ER seemed to have been flooded while we were working on that one patient. Finally the day shift started to come in and I knew that I'd be able to go home soon.

I had handed off patients and grabbed my stuff and was no heading out of the ER into the daylight. This sucked working night coming in when it was dark and leaving now with the sun up in the sky. "Hey Abby heading home?"

"Yeah I am, it's been a long night and I just want to go home and get some sleep now before coming back and doing it all over again."

"I know that feeling." I say as we walk towards the street. "I don't envy you with the hours that an intern has to work. I wouldn't go back and do it again if I had the choice. I love my job but the hours to get to the top are grueling."

We are both heading now for the EL to go home for some well deserved sleep and down time, "ah but when it's done you have something to look back on and show for it."

"Yeah school loans that will need to be paid back, crappy pay for the next four years, then maybe you can get on someplace that pays decently to continue to pay on those student loans."

"Anna you make it sound so appealing to be going into medicine."

"Ah it's just those first four years." I say looking at her, "I might have my student loans paid off before I turn 50." I smile over at her as we head up to the line to catch our train home. She will take a different one that I do but we can still talk while we wait.

"Yeah you might, I think I will be paying on mine when I go to retire." She laughs a little now too.

"I'll see you tomorrow." I reply as my train pulls up to the platform, "you did great tonight and I'm sure tomorrow will be an ever better night than tonight."

"Are you always this optimistic?" I hear her ask.

From the door of the train I turn and look at her, "life is too short to be anything else. You have to find what you want and go for it. We only get one shot at what we do and we have to make the most of it."

"You are so right."

I slip inside the train and try to find an empty seat, what I said seemed to be good advice. I seemed to be better at giving it than I was at taking it at times, but it was so true, we only got one shot at life and it was up to us to make the best of the chance we are given.


	36. Sleep Deprivation

**Chapter 36: Sleep deprivation**

Things seemed to be settling down once more and I was getting used to the hours and the working conditions. I was enjoying my shifts and putting away money to be able to afford a home of my own, granted it would probably be an apartment, but it would still be someplace of my own. And right now that was really what I wanted. I had yet to take the advice that I had given to Abby, or to even give that same advice to Carter to see if I could get them together rather than finding myself in my down time daydreaming of what it would be like if we were together. I had gotten home from work and climbed into bed exhausted from the night before and how busy it had gotten again. I laid my head down on the pillow and started to drift off to the land of dreams.

"Come on Anna let's go out and do something, it's a beautiful day."

I buried my head deeper into the blankets for I had been enjoying my sleep. It felt as if I had just laid down not more than five minutes ago and now here was this voice trying to, well trying to raise the dead. "Carter," I grumble almost moaning now back at him, "I'm sleeping."

"If you were sleeping then you wouldn't have answered me."

"Okay that's a technicality." I say as I sit up a little bit rubbing my eyes. "I don't come home from work and wake you up what you doing waking me up?"

"Now there will be no grumbling, it's a beautiful day and you don't have to work tonight." Carter says to me, I just fight the urge not to glare over at him. "Come on let's go out and enjoy it."

"No." I flop back against the bed again, trying to hide from the intruder in my room now. "No, I am going to go back to sleep. I need to sleep, I want to sleep, and you can't make me. Besides I don't want to throw my clock off now that I have it set to work nights."

"Nope, not taking no for an answer."

I feel the blankets being pulled away from me. "This is not college where you can come in and kick me out of bed Carter. You might be my landlord but I'm tired and I want to go back to sleep." I find myself now in a battle for the blankets, "come on Carter leave me alone. You are not my mother and I don't have to do what you tell me too." I am pulling hard on them now trying to keep them over me, "stop it." He pulls on them so more. "Don't go away."

"Come on Anna." He just doesn't want to seem to give up on this one right now.

"Go harass someone else please." I am still fighting to be able to stay in bed. He is worse than a child on Christmas morning with how insistent he is being, frustrated I may yet become.

"Come on we need to go shopping or find a hot dog vendor, go down to the lake something, shopping I know you like to go shopping."

"Stop it you big booger." I say knowing that one is rather childish but I am still sleepy and don't appreciate him coming in here and bugging me right now.

"Oh, threatening there Anna." He says as he keeps messing with me and I am really not appreciating it, in fact I am getting rather upset with him.

I growl at him now, some kind of primitive response to being harassed. "Go away Carter, right now just go away." I roll over so that my back if facing him, "you are pissing me off."

There's silence from him right now and I don't know if that means that he has finally decided to take me seriously and leave me alone or if it means that he is plotting something and I need to keep my guard up.

"Okay," that was the response that I was hoping that I would get from him. "I will just sit here and poke at you until you decide that you want to get up."

"No." I drag the no out as long as I can. "I don't want to get up and you need to just go away." The longer he harasses me the harder it is going to be to go back to sleep. I know that he knows that too but I am half tempted just to lay there and hope that he gets bored and goes away of his own free will.

"Sounds good to me, since I have nothing to do or nothing that I want to do today by myself."

I grumble and growl knowing now that I am not going to get any more sleep today. I should make him have to work some night shifts so that I can do this to him, "I need my own apartment."

"Oh, are you tired of living with me already, you have food to eat, a roof over your head and I must admit a pretty good looking roommate to share everything with."

I sit back up looking over at him, "yes you are so right I have food to eat, a roof over my head and a roommate who right now is a pain in my ass."

"I am not a pain in your ass."

I look up at him seeing the grin that is on his face, "oh what was I thinking. I worked last night, you worked during the day, and you got a good night sleep I laid down to sleep a few hours ago, in my eyes that makes you a pain in my ass."

"Yeah whatever." Carter said, "you went to sleep when you got home and that was six hours ago. You don't need more than that."

"Speak for yourself." I slap at him now. "You should try getting some more, you look like you are lagging in your beauty rest."

"You are a feisty one today." I hear him say right as I push him off the bed giving myself a small bit of pleasure.

"Ahh," I hear him call out before there is the very pleasant sound of the thump on the floor from his body finding the floor.

I laugh now, I have to, there's something about making him suffer a little for waking me up so early. "Payback's a bitch now isn't it there John." I say as I lean over the edge of the bed looking down at him.

He looks up at me with those big eyes of his pretending that I have somehow offended or hurt him. "Yeah it is. You sure can be mean when you want to. Here all I wanted to do was to take you out to lunch, show you the beautiful day and you go and push me off the bed."

"Yeah I am a mean one when I am sleep deprived." I grin down at him. I can feel feelings starting to stir ones that I thought that I had under control, that were no longer going to be an issue between the two of us but I find that I am mistaken.

I watch as he pulls himself up off the floor and then sits on the corner of the bed, "well maybe I should just leave you to your misery."

He is leaning so close to me right now that I can feel my heart beating in my throat rather than in my chest, this isn't good, this is not a good sign something has to give here and I am terrified about what is about to give. I only have so much self control and it has been tested too many times for me to keep ignoring it. I am telling myself that I need to pull back that I need to make some space between us but my body just isn't moving, "yeah," I say in a very small weak voice, "maybe you should…" I don't finish that sentence as I have found myself leaning in even closer to him rather than making more space I have made even less space between us.

"You don't mean that do you?"

"No," that is my simple response to his question.

Then it happens I can feel my lips touching his as I softly kiss him, or is he kissing me, either way it has happened. It doesn't matter right now who is kissing who just that we are. I stay that way for another few seconds as long as it takes for my brain to catch up with my body. Oh god what have I done? I just did the one thing that I promised myself I wouldn't do, that no matter what I would keep us on a friendship only level but it seems to me that I have become sidetracked by my raging hormones and I just kissed him. My mind is going a million miles an hour because I really liked that. Okay liking it was an understatement of giant proportions. I loved it.

Now what do I do? I can't take it back, I can't undo the fact that we kissed. Okay Anna, I say to myself, slow down it was just a kiss and it's not like you were shoving your tongue down his throat now where you, the answer to that is no. It was a harmless… yikes did he just… oh god… he did and my head is spinning now, I can't catch my breath at all… oh I really like that… can we keep… no we have to… can I have my mind back please.


	37. What is wrong with me?

**Chapter 37: What is wrong with me?**

Here all this time I have been trying to come up with ways to get Carter and Abby back together and what have a done, oh Christ I have sabotaged it, not just a little either, but I might as well taken a drill to the boat and put nothing but tons of little hold cause this was going down faster than the Titanic had. And now I find myself not only dreaming for that relationship with Carter, but in the position where that was exactly what I was going to have. Damn it I wanted this but I didn't want this, what the hell was wrong with me? I was given an impossible task to start out with and rather than trying to make it any easier on all of us, I do this. Oh the powers that be above were not going to be very happy with me and I knew it. Hopefully by kissing Carter I hadn't signed my own death warrant.

That would just be my luck though, I had managed to fight my way back from a life threatening illness and now I go and do a blunder of this proportion. I listen to make sure that I don't hear anyone else in the house right now. The last thing that I need is for someone anyone who might hear me to think that I have gone completely nuts, which is a distinct possibility right now.

"Robert!" I yell out. I am in desperate need of some help here. Oh god, I must really be desperate, dangerously desperate. I am wondering about all of this as I was asking Robert for help, this would be the first time in a long time that I would have actually had to, wait this was the first time that I had asked for his help for him to come to me.

"Hey there buttercup I was wondering when you were going to realize that you were in over your head and ask for some serious help." I hear that oh so obnoxious voice say to me.

He had been here for less than a minute and was already on my nerves. I was really second guessing and regretting my decision. I can't keep the sarcasm out of my voice. "Yeah well, if you knew I was in trouble why didn't you just pop or whatever it is that you do down here and smack me upside the head." I find myself retorting back.

"Ah well see buttercup, I'm supposed to just help you out not to it for you. Seems that you have yourself in a little bit of a pickle there now don't ya?"

There is just something about the man that makes it nearly impossible to be anything other than overly sarcastic. Part of that might have been my foul mood.

"You are pretty observant for a, oh what's the word I am looking for," I put my hand under my chin as I pretend to think, "oh yeah that's right dead guy."

"Well for the record let me remind you that talking to dead people doesn't quite score you brownie points in the land of the living." He says back to me.

"Yeah, whatever." I snip back, my patients are not too great right now and what do I have to lose if I insult or piss off a dead man. What's he going to do haunt me? He has already be doing that just be being around in the first place.

"Okay, well so I am here, what is it that you think that you want from me? I hear Robert say.

I cross my arms over my chest sighing heavily before turning so that my back in to him as I kick the ground. "Oh how about a little guidance here." I am almost afraid to admit this to even him. "I mean since I have managed to, well since I have managed to fuck things up big time."

"What do you mean?" He asks.

"What do you mean, what do I mean?" I say knowing that, that makes little sense. "Come on you have to know what I mean."

"You said you messed things up," okay I really didn't expect a dead person to use the sailor language that I had just used.

"Yeah I did."

"How?"

"Okay for being all knowing you sure don't know much." That's me being me.

"I never said that I was all knowing there my dear."

"No but every time I turn around you are in my head, come on I have messed up the mission impossible, now it's really impossible." I find myself saying as my voice speeds up and I am talking faster and faster.

"Now dear I think that you are being a little melodramatic with that one."

"Oh yeah right," I say giving him that look that all women possess when we are upset. "No I really think that I have messed this one up royally."

"Well you are still alive so that says something there now doesn't it."

"I'm still alive," my voice is a lot softer, "that's a reassuring vote of confidence there Robert." I am a literal ball of nerves. "Seriously I need some major help here because I am drowning and I am drowning fast." I fall into the nervous habit of pacing back and forth. "Come on I put this seriously large holes in this ship and it is taking on water." Okay so I am using some really bad analogies right now but I can't help it that's what happens when I am nervous. There was something about talking to a man who was dead that didn't sit all that well with me. Maybe I was starting to go crazy.

"Now, now just take a deep breath and calm down there some woman." He says to me, "I'm sure it's not as bad as you make it out to be. Yes you were giving a seriously difficult task but hey you are only human, a mistake or two is to be expected."

I stop pacing back and sit down on the bed. "Oh," I draw out the word as much as I can as I put my hands around my knees drawing them up to my chest. "I don't think that this qualifies as a simple mistake." I look at him with my baby blues trying to convey to him what I needed to say without words. "Nope, it is a lot bigger than a simple mistake."

"So are you going to make me guess or are you going to come out and tell me what the problem is here buttercup? I'm not much of a mind reader well at least not all of the time. There are some thoughts that you have that even I'm not privy too."

"You are not making me feel any better here." I say.

"That's not my job." He says as he sits down on the bed next to where I am sitting curled up into a little blonde ball. "So come on spill the beans what is this horrible mistake that you think you made so that I can tell you it's not that bad."

"If you can tell me that this isn't all that bad, well then I will take back every bad thing that I have ever said or thought about you." I say honestly to him.

"Well that is sweet of you to say and all there buttercup but now are you going to get to the point darling?"

I was almost shocked that I didn't roll my eyes at him. "I'm getting there." I can't believe that I am telling Robert of all people about this, which is not as easy as I thought it would be. How could I have thought that this would have been easy? "Uh… I… uh…" Come on Anna just spit it out, "I, oh man, I slept with Carter."

There was nothing but silence from Robert now, "oh dear." That was the next thing I heard from him, "boy Anna you really did fuck up."

Okay now I am worried when I have done something that made him talk like a sailor. "It's not like I meant for it to happen, it just happened." I am trying to explain my way out of this one now. "Really I mean it's not like this is what I had planned from the start."

There is silence from him he is just looking at me with a blank stare, which is making me nervous and uneasy that much I know for sure. I don't know if I should be terrified that I have broken some unspoken rule or just what I am supposed to think. I start rocking back and forth a little wondering, waiting to see if he's going to say anything.

"You have one hell of a mess now Anna." He finally breaks the silence that had filled the room, "man you really did that?" There a look of surprise or at least it looks like surprise on his face.

"Okay why would I be saying something like this to you if it hadn't happened?" I say rather exasperated by the entire situation.

"Oh I don't know for sure maybe you were bored and thought that it would be fun to mess with me, are you serious about this though Anna."

"Okay for the second time since I told you, yes I slept with John Carter."

"Holy cow there." He said, "You are supposed to be…"

"Yeah I know putting two couple back together and I really haven't done that now have I." I am extremely frustrated now with him, well okay not so much with him as I am with myself but I have no idea what I am doing anymore. "Look I have no idea what I am doing, things are falling apart fast than I can put them back together. "I screwed up my relationship with Max, okay no I didn't screw that one up he did and I am not taking the blame for that one. He brought me leaving all on himself. But as for sleeping with Carter, sorry but I don't regret it, I just don't know what to do right now!"

"For starters you have to stop doing that."

"Yeah okay let's see just how to propose that I do that, it's not like I can say hey Carter, I have to stop sleeping with you cause I am supposed to be putting you and Abby back together as a couple!"

"Well no you can't do that, but you can't keep having sex with him either."

"Tell me my bright one," I am so sarcastic again it sucks, "just how do I do that."

"You just don't do it."

I growl, "Okay for starters that might have worked with the women you have slept with cause you probably never talked to the more than the one time, let alone slept with any of them more than once. But you can't just stop sleeping with someone out of the blue like that. My god we live together, we have been living together for a while. I can't just say oops made a mistake and I can't do this anymore. Not if I want him to keep talking to me."

"You do have a point there buttercup, well about needing him to keep talking to you."

"If I could slap you I would there Robert, so far you have been more frustration than help."

"Hey now, I am not the one who let my hormones get completely out of control there buttercup you did that one all yourself. It is sticky that's for sure."

"Now," I say looking back up, "I didn't do this on purpose. It just happened. I didn't start out on some nut path to screw over my own mission."

"Yeah so okay I have really gotten that point loud and clear but you have to think of something. I am sure that the powers that be upstairs and not too happy with you right now." There is a seriousness that I had never seen before in his eyes. It just compounded the feeling of helplessness that reached down to my soul.

"That's why you are here, are you not supposed to help me when I need it?"

"To put it as simply as I possibly can buttercup you are beyond help."

"Oh no, don't you dare say that I am beyond help." I get this feeling that he is giving up. "Surely this has to be fixable without making anyone else upset." I am really getting worried right now about all of this. "Come on Robert toss me some kind of bone."

"If I could kiddo I would but I don't know what to honestly tell you, other than to knock it off."

"Knock it off such wise words from you there Robert, are you saying that I need to figure this one out on my own, that you are here to help me but only when it's something simple?"

"Well that's basically the plan, but this one I am going to have to think about and get back to you on."

"Get back to me?" That wasn't the answer that I was expecting. And he just didn't seem to be helping the situation or making anything any clearer. "Not be to a smartass here but it's not like you can just pick up the phone and call me when you have some kind of plan."

"Well no but I can pop in when I have thought of something."

"That might be a tad bit dangerous. I mean what if you come popping back in here and I am in the middle of something."

"Don't be doing that!"

"I didn't mean that!" I about yell now, "I meant more along the lines of working on if there were other people around because if you think that I am going to be carrying on this conversation while other's are around you are nuts. I can't be talking to a dead guy in the middle of my shift."

"You worry too much I can be discrete when it serves another purpose. Just go take a chill pill and let me think on this."

"Yeah whatever Robert. Just don't take all damn day because god only knows how long I have now that I have gone and done this."

"You got that right God only knows honey."

With that phrase the room was once again empty and I curled up on my side trying to figure out what I was going to do next. I had managed to make a mess of the whole thing and I'm not sure what I am going to do to straighten it up now.


	38. Time ticks fast

**Chapter 38: Time ticks fast**

I found myself pacing back and forth trying to find a way out of this. To get everything back on track. How was I going to fix this, could I fix it? I put my hands up on my head, "oh man what was I thinking." I realized that I was now talking to myself. I had screwed this completely out of proportion. There had to be a way to sort this all out and put things back they way that they were supposed to.

Carter thankfully was still at work. It gave me time to try and straighten this all out. Okay, well at least try to formulate a plan. I was still pacing, back and forth as nothing was coming in regards as to how to fix this. Since I had been the one to mess this all up I was going to have to be the one to fix it. Robert appeared as if he was going to be of absolutely no help. But did I really expect the once arrogant surgeon to be able to honestly get me out of this jam.

There was one thing that I knew for certain right now and that was if I wanted to accomplish this impossible mission I knew I had to put an end to anything that might resemble a romantic relationship. There was no way that I could have a relationship with John on any other level than friends it had to stop there. Honestly, I had to ask myself, did I really want a relationship with anyone right now? The answer to that had to be no, I definitely didn't want that. It was right about now that I wished that I had someone that I could talk to about all of this with other than my… I wasn't even sure what Robert was and that wasn't high on my list of things to figure out. I needed someone to talk to but there was, once again no one. This seemed as if it was something that I was left up to my own devices.

Okay, I kept pacing, I knew I needed to look at this objectively. Not that I was going to be able to do that with as worked up as I had managed to get myself. Oh I was definitely worked up about it too; this was not where I had intended this to go. It was a mistake, but you never said that to anyone, that just didn't seem like the right thing to say to him. Maybe though if I did approach it like that he would understand. I could always turn it into something that was completely my fault. That I had led him on unintentionally. Would he buy that line from me of all people, well he was going to have to. That was what I was going to do. I didn't know how long that it would take for Robert to come up with anything and I had my doubts that it would be anything different than what I had come up with.

I was going to wear a hole in the carpet at this rate. The only conclusion that I could come up with was that I had to be definitely nuts. Maybe I really had gone insane after all I had just had a conversation with a person who was dead. And it was the only reason that I could come up with. I needed to find my own place to live; my own apartment. That was a large part of it that I was living in to close of contact with a man that was irresistible. Cater might have seen something in me, but like all my other relationships it was doomed to fail. Getting out of my current living situation would help alleviate some of the stress, tension, and what else might have been pulling Carter and I in the wrong direction. Even I had to admit even if only to myself, that it was the wrong direction.

I grabbed my coat I needed to get out of the house for a few minutes, definitely outside where I could clear my mind and think on all of this for a little while, maybe the answer would come to me if I could find a way to calm down and think.

I started to walk down the street my mind wandering as I wandered. I had no set destination just a mission to clear my mind and find the answer to my dilemma. I wanted to put most of the blame on Max. If he hadn't slept with that woman that I wouldn't have been in a position to have been tempted to do what I had done. Shifting the blame was an easier answer than taking responsibility for my own actions.

"Hey Anna, wait up would you?"

I heard the voice behind me and I turned around to see who it might be, almost completely lost in my own thoughts, who the voice belonged to didn't register in my head. All I knew was that it was someone who was attempting to keep me from thinking about what I needed to be thinking about. I brought my eyes up, "Max."

"Do you have a few minutes to talk?" I heard him ask.

I wasn't sure about answering that. I knew that I couldn't avoid him forever even if I wanted to. This world wasn't big enough to never seem him again. I didn't slow my stride now. "Not really." I found myself wishing that he would just go away.

"Anna, I'd really like to talk to you, please I really need too."

Well he was persistent, I had to give him at least that much. He might have, right now been nothing more than a complete ass in my eyes but it was just my luck to have fallen for a stubborn ass that wouldn't just give up and go away. "Yeah I suppose you would like that right now."

From the sound of his quickening footsteps I knew that he was catching up with me now. "I can understand the coldness Anna, but you can't ignore me forever."

"I'm sure that you can." I said not looking at him. I don't want to look at him. "I'm not avoiding you; I just have a lot to do between my shifts."

"Come on Anna." I still don't look at him. "You have every right to be mad at me but I am only asking for five minutes."

"You are right there once again. You bet I have every right to be mad and I can tell you that I am going to be mad at you for a long time."

"Give me a chance to explain things to you."

"Oh no, I think, no I know that I saw everything explained quite clearly Max. There is nothing that you can say that is going to change my mind about where we stand. That was just wrong and you know it." I keep my voice soft, an eerie air of calmness about it. That even I wasn't sure where the calmness was coming from, but then I didn't want to cause a scene in public. Getting upset, angry, yelling would just cause attention and I didn't want that.

"I wish that you'd let me explain this to you. You owe me that much Anna."

I stopped freezing in my tracks, owe him? I didn't owe him, not after everything that he had done. Stay calm Anna, I told myself. "No Max, I don't owe you anything. You did this not me. I have been nothing but faithful to you, never once did I even thought about doing that to you. I don't owe you anything Max, not now, not ever."

"I forgave you."

"You forgave me, you forgave me for what?" I didn't mean to yell but I did. I was getting upset. "You forgave me for what? What did I do that was even close to this?"

"Upping and walking away when things got tough. You walked away when things got tough and you didn't give me a choice or a chance then either."

Control your temper Anna. This can't get ugly, I shouldn't let him jerk my chain or find some way to guilt me into anything. My temper was about to flare up and out of control. Somehow I was going to have to keep things in check, but him comparing what he did to what I had done just wasn't right. It was so far from the same thing that it wasn't even funny. "What I did and what you did are not even close, no where near the same thing, I might have left when things got tough but that was a completely different reason. You never came home and found me half naked on the couch with anyone."

"So then you are going to tell me that the entire time we were apart there was no one else?" He asked me, "that you didn't see anyone else?"

I rolled my eyes and started walking again. I couldn't believe where this conversation was going, "go to hell Max." I find myself saying. "I don't know how you could even think that, when I would have ever given you a reason to think that? You don't know me if you can even think that."

"All the more reason to talk to me."

"You can just forget it." I started walking faster. "Go away I don't want to talk to you."

"What do you want from me Anna? We can't just ignore this; we can't pretend that it didn't happen."

I stopped again spinning around to look at him, "I want you to leave me alone. That's all I want from you. You can have the house, you can have everything that I didn't take with me, its all yours. All I want is my life back and I can get that back without your help. That's what I want from you."

Chills went up my spine when I felt his hand touch my arm. "Anna we have to talk, you have to talk to me."

I jerked away from his hold. "No go away Max, just go away and don't come near me again."

"Christ Anna, you can have the house, anything that you want. I'm not staying there anymore. I only agreed to buy the damn thing because you wanted to stay in Chicago." I hear him say but my attention was more focused on the fact that he still had his hand on my arm.

"You know what." I tried to yank away again, "whatever you say, just go away and don't try and contact me. Go back to your blonde, little younger toy and give her, the same lines that you seemed fit to give to me because I am not doing it anymore. I'm done with it Max."

"If that's what you want Anna, then I'm going to respect your wishes, I never meant to hurt you like that."

"You know what I find that rather hard to believe." I say now as I start to walk away from him, I'm walking backwards now with my hands in the air out of frustration as if to say don't mess with me, "but you know what you're not going to be able to hurt me again. That's the one thing that I can be certain about in all of this, that you can't hurt me."

I spin around so that my back is to him leaving him standing there as I continue on my way. That was one confrontation that I could have done with out today. I had, had a bad enough day I really didn't need him putting even more on top of what I had.


	39. Deep in Thought Almost

_A/N: Sorry that I haven't updated this is so long but I finally think that I have figured out where this is going once again, life has this habit of getting away from you. So please read, review and enjoy._**  
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**Chapter 39: Deep In Thought… almost.**

Now that I had managed to get away from Max I continued on my walk down towards the river and then along it just walking. Thinking and walking, those were the only two things that I wanted to do right now.

"Hey didn't think I would see you down here."

What was today? Did I have some find Anna homing device going off that I didn't know about, right now I just wanted to be left alone but everyone seemed to be finding me. Okay, everyone was a bit of a stretch but that's what it was beginning to feel like right now.

"You didn't?" I said as I turned again to try to find the voice that was talking to me.

"Not really thought that you'd probably be sleeping somewhere right about now after working the night shift."

"Hey what can I say," I shrug my shoulders, "I felt a deep seeded need to talk a walk." And right now I was regretting that decision. I could have done the same thing dunked in the bathtub and there would have been no one there to keep disturbing me.

"Walks are a good thing."

"Is that what you are doing down here Doug?" I say, "thought that you would be working?"

"I work tonight." He said to me, "can't have all day shifts."

"Well that's the luck of the draw I guess, I can't complain about working nights though. I rather like the night shift; you never know what is going to come through those doors." Right now though it was more of who I wasn't working with at night that was the godsend.

"Yeah you do. Come two am you get the drunks that have had too much to drink, they get in their cars, they crash and then it's up to us to put them back together again."

"That's not the only thing that comes in at night." I am looking down now as I talk to him. I am being polite in talking to him right now I just want to bash a head in, break something, kick scream, anything but have a civilized conversation.

"No if it just happens to be a full moon on a Saturday night you will get all the loonies in Chicago."

"Hey it is those loonies that give life its extra spice." I say now looking over at him but just for a brief second. "It keeps you on your toes."

"Well that it does. What are you doing out here, you didn't seem to be all the way in this world when I first saw you."

"Enjoying the peace and quiet." I say, "that's all."

"Yeah."

"Yeah really." I reply back not wanting to answer a bunch of questions.

"Anns, you were not even aware that I had walked up on you."

"So what I wasn't paying attention, I was enjoying the quiet." I find myself snapping back at him.

"A lot going on at work?"

"Not really." I'm trying to keep up the small talk with him, just idle conversation but it was a real struggle for me right now.

"Okay."

There silence between the two of us and I'm almost back into my groove of thought once more. I really wanted to think about all of this without distractions, didn't think that I was going to find that outside the four walls of Carter's house. Not that I had been able to do much thinking within the house either.

"Max offered me the house." Ah hell I might as well get this over with, not even Doug would miss the fact that I am in a horrible mood right now and if I didn't get it out in the open I was going to explode.

"When did you talk to him?" There's that subtle change in his voice that only those who know Doug can pick up. It's that tone that let's you know that he's worried about you with out having to say it.

"About a half hour ago." I reply back in a rather flat voice now, okay so it's not as painful to open up right now as I thought that it was going to be, but that doesn't mean that I want to have this giant heart to heart with him right now.

"And he want you to have the house, that's a big man of him." He says in a rather short tone, but I know from experience that's aimed at Max rather than at me, but I'm the one that happens to be standing there.

"I'm not going to argue with him about it. If he doesn't want it, I really didn't either but I won't turn down a place to live." Here it comes I am sensing some big heart to heart that's about to unfold and honestly I don't know if that's what I want to be having right now with anyone.

"No I didn't think that you would. What he did that was a really crappy thing, you didn't deserve it." Well at least Doug can be honest about some things. He was right and I knew that I didn't completely deserve it but in a way, I almost could sense that yes I did.

"I might not have deserved it but I can't change it. He wanted to talk but I shut him down pretty fast. I don't want him to explain what he did. I don't need to hear his reasons whatever they might be. I'm sure that whatever it was is nothing more than lies anyhow." Okay who am I feeding this bull to, me or to him, do I want him to believe that or do I want to believe that.

"You are probably right about that." I hear him say back to me.

"I mean what kind of excuse could he have that would excuse that?" I found myself asking more of a rhetorical question but that pause gave him time to say something.

"No," there's a pause coming from him, giving me the impression that he's not sure what to say right now, and maybe he's changing his mind about having that heart to heart with me, "I'm sure that there is no excuse that would explain that away."

"What could I have done that made him think that I would let him get away with that once I found out, did he honestly think that I wouldn't have found out about it? Did he bring her there so that I would find out about it?" Whoa, now the truth of the matter is pouring out of me and I have no idea how to shut it off, getting this feeling that Doug had just accidentally opened up some kind of Pandora's box that he might end up regretting.

"I don't have the answers to those questions for you Anna."

"I didn't think that you would have them. I'm sorry, I guess I just am still upset about running into him, but I knew that I couldn't avoid him forever." I shrug my shoulders now as there's not much else that I can do. I feel bad about unloading on him like that.

"No you probably can't completely avoid him if he's in Chicago. The city is big but I don't think that it is that big." He gives me this sympathy type of laugh as if he's trying to break the awkwardness that we have come into, not so much awkwardness but there's tension in the air that wasn't there before I blurted everything out.

"Men are nothing but trouble and I think that I will just rather enjoy the single life. I don't need anyone in my life right now anyway." I answer back trying to ease everything somewhat, "ah yes I believe I hear the convent calling my name." Now I'm the one trying to use bad humor to get myself out of this.

"That might be a good thing, not the convent, you wouldn't last with that, I know you have this deep authority complex." He said, "you need any help moving stuff back to the house or anything done there?" Very quick change of subject on his part.

"Not that I can think of. I am sure that I can handle it all myself. I didn't take that much with me and I don't know what all he left behind. I didn't even bother to ask him where he was staying but I don't think that I want to honestly know the answer to that one."

"You are probably right there."

"Oh I know I am." I find myself saying stretching back holding onto the rail my back arching now, "he's probably staying with that woman, whoever she is. Wouldn't surprise me if she was some nurse or someone who works with him at the hospital. You know he's looked before but never actually done anything with the looking, I never thought that he would actually do something like that."

"I don't think we ever think the person that we love is capable of doing something like that. I didn't see it coming." I know that's the voice of experience talking.

I laugh, "well that makes me feel better. As long as it was obvious to everyone but me."

"No I wouldn't say that it was obvious to anyone else. Usually you can tell when people are low like that…"

I cut him off, "yeah I guess you would know, after all doesn't it take one to know one?" Hearing that one cut a little closer to the bone than I thought that it would, but after it came flying out of my mouth I instantly regretted saying it.

He was silent for a minute and I wasn't sure what to make of that look that he was giving me, "okay Anns that was a little low, even for you."

"Might have been sorry." I say, "but come on you know players, what I meant was that if he was that kind of person you would have seen it. I didn't mean that you were a player, I know that you've been faithful to Carol, I wasn't trying to insinuate that."

"Sounded like it there for a minute." I can tell from the tone once more that I had crossed over that line with him. Hit one of his nerves, whether it was intentionally or not, I shouldn't have said it.

"Now there big brother." I say back to him giving him a small smile, something to let him know that I really didn't mean anything serious by it; it was more of something that just came out rather than had any thought behind it. "Really I'm sorry."

"Yeah I know you are, you're just under a lot of stress right now and I happen to be the snapping boy."

"Yeah I really didn't mean to take it out on you, you just happened to be all that was handy right now." I don't want to really fight with any of my other friends right now, so making up was the least that I could do.

"Want to go and grab something to eat?"

"I suppose that we could do that. But you have to buy."

"Oh I do now do I?"

"Yes," I say back to him smiling.

"Why is that?"

"Cause you are the older one of the two of us, you are a guy, and you claim to be my older brother of sorts so therefore it makes sense that if we went to get something to eat it would be on you. That and you asked me not the other way around."

"I'll have to remember that next time Anns." I heard him laugh.

"Yeah I bet you will remember that for next time," I poked him in the side, "if there is a next time. Who knows if I would ever ask you to go to lunch with me? I know how this works, see if I don't ask then you or whoever is with me if they want to go will ask and then well you are still in that same loophole." There a soft smile on my face as I look at him and then at the ground.

I am trying to hide what I can from him, there's just some things that I really don't want to talk with Doug about and right now what's going on in my life is one of those things, it's easier to just shrug off my mood as bumping into Max, since he was really the last person that I had wanted to talk to today.

"Ah is that how it works, you have learned how to outsmart us?"

"Just you." I gave him a half smile of sorts as we started to walk in an attempt to get something to eat, I'm wondering inside if this was really something that I should be doing, I'm thinking that I should be back at Carter's packing up my things and moving back into my house. I needed to get the locks changed if I was going to be staying there though, just so that I would have the peace of mind of knowing that Max couldn't just walk into the house and catch my off guard and then I'd be forced to spend time again with him.

"Max have you bent out of joint this bad?"

"Well I can't say that I am overly happy that I was forced to talk with him." I say as we stroll along. "It wasn't on the top of my list of things to do." I looked at Doug for the first time since we had started talking before turning my attention to where we were walking. "Yeah I think it's hurt more than I wanted it too, reality bites, and being on this end of everything, well I just didn't… I didn't know I could be so mad at anyone."

"Understandable."

"Oh you are just so understanding and compassionate. That must be part of that being a good doctor part of your personality." Okay there's some serious sarcasm dripping from my voice as I say that.

"What did you want me to say there grumpy?" He hit the nail on the head with that one, but it's not like I am going to let him get away with calling me grumpy.

"Nothing. There is nothing that I want you to say, and I am not grumpy I am just a little bent out of shape. There is a difference ya know. And for the record there darling, you would be too if you had to deal with someone that you just don't want to." I say back to him.

"Okay, I'll try to be a little more sympathetic to your needs there Anns."

"No it's not that I need you to be more sympathetic, really it's just that I'm not in a good mood and it's not that I'm trying to be someone that you want to be around." I sighed softly. "I just wanted to be alone, but I'm finding out more and more that you never really are alone, at any time no matter what you do or where you go."

"I know." Doug said looking over at me for a minute before putting his attention back on where he was going.

I shrug my shoulders again, "it's just not something that I can forget in five minutes. It took me awhile to get back up on my feet when I left the first time and well I thought that it would just go away if I didn't think about it." I watched as he opened the door for me and we walked inside the small café. "You know what I mean, I want to move back into the house but I'll need to have the locks changed and small things like that."

"I can give you a hand for that." Doug said to me as we sat down at a table. "I know you wouldn't want any unapproved visits from Max. Anna are you going to file for divorce?"

I looked up at him, "I don't know I haven't thought that far ahead. You know we were just remarried so I don't know, I mean this should probably be put out of it's misery and soon. Divorce just seems like an evil word right now. Something final, and well after everything, something that sounds final doesn't bode well with me."

"Well yeah it's not pretty." Doug said, "but I'm sure that you and Max can just end it with nothing major and no serious battles."

"I don't know about that." I say, "it won't be pretty I don't think, not after our run in today."

There was a pause in our conversation as we ordered drinks and sandwiches for lunch and then when the waitress had left the table before we said anything else to each other.

"Why do you say that Anns?"

"Because he really wanted to talk, I think he thinks that we can put this behind us and move on some how staying together." I told him.

"And you aren't thinking that?"

"No, no way in hell I'm thinking that we can't do that." I say, "it's not an easy for me to move on knowing what he's done. I can't begin to describe with words what I felt when I came home that day after talking with Carter." I think that I am turning red, a very bright shade of red and this is not an embarrassed red either this is a livid red.

"No I bet that it's something that you don't even want to begin to describe either." Doug said looking at me. "But I'm sure that you will be happy to get out of Carter's house and back into your own."

"Yes and no." I find myself saying, "I mean I don't mind living with Carter and all but yes it would be nice to have a place to myself and I really want to have a home or apartment or something that is mine rather than someplace that belong to someone else."

"Yeah I know what you mean with that. It is nice to have a place that you can call home."

"Home is always nice to have. Not having to worry about waking anyone up when I come home with my odd hours and to have peace and quiet when I come home so that I can sleep." I say, "and food in the fridge that I know that I like to eat. Making it on my own once again."

"You can do it if that's what you want." Doug said, "I know you're strong. You've proven that one more than once."

"Oh this isn't a matter of strength just wanting something enough to get it. And I guess if Max doesn't want the house then I might as well live in it. Rather than having to try to sell it and then end up splitting the funds or something."

"True. Very valid point there, I think."

"Yeah the less that I have to do with him the better off I think I will be." I found myself saying, "I don't want to be dependent on him in anyway. I don't want anything from him, no money, no support, nothing."

We talked for a little while longer as we ate, and then I left Doug and headed back towards Carter's house. I had just enough time to pack up what little I had brought and put it back in my car. Now I would be out from under Carter's roof and then I would be able to think about getting things back on track again with that mission that I had been given. I knew that I needed to get Carter and Abby back together and I didn't know how I was going to do it, but I knew inside my heart that, that was what I needed to do.


	40. Taking the Right Steps Now

**Chapter 40: Taking the right steps now**

I went to work that night after moving back into the house, I wasn't that worried about Max coming back to it especially after our discussion during the day before. He would have know that I would have been working that night and when I got off from working nights I wasn't the best person to have conversations with. I was cranky when I didn't get enough sleep. I could work 36 hours at a time but it was only at work that I didn't get cranky, if you weren't a patient and I wasn't on shift then I expected to be able to catch up on the sleep that my body needed.

When I got back to the house the next morning there was no one there. I carefully locked all the doors and went upstairs to bed. When I woke up several hours later the alarm clock set for three in the afternoon so that I would have time to eat and get ready having to be back at the hospital at five to work another night shift. I wasn't sure how long they were going to keep me working only nights but for now I didn't mind them but I would have like to have gone back to days. Susan seemed to need me there at night and with out having any kind of seniority that was where I was going to be for awhile.

I got ready and headed into work, I would have the locksmith come tomorrow and fix the locks on the house so that I could have the extra added peace of mind. Not that I feared him that was the last thoughts that would ever cross my mind. I had no reason to fear him. He had never been a violent man, might have on occasion drank to much but then I knew few people who hadn't been guilty of that on some level. No I just had to much going on to have to worry about actually having to deal with him and now the thought of going through a divorce was stuck in my head. I was going to have to push that way back.

"Mrs. Johnston, Mickey is going to be just fine. He has an ear infection, I'll give you a prescription for Amoxicillin and that should clear it right up in a few days." I'm almost on autopilot right now dealing with the patients that we had.

"Thank you doctor." I hear her say back to me.

"You're welcome, the nurse will bring in the discharge instructions for you and you'll be all set." I say standing up to leave the room, I'm writing on the chart not really paying all that much attention to where I am going.

"Hey watch it." I hear a voice say as I feel myself bumping into someone or something.

"Sorry," I say not looking up.

"Earth to Anna come in Anna."

I look up face to face with Abby. "Sorry Abby I was just concentrating."

"Yeah well I can see that but you're definitely not concentrating on that chart."

I scribbled my name across the bottom of the chart and tossed it into the pile that had been discharged. "Yeah I am. I'm just a little tired tonight that's all. Really."

"Can I please have the doctor that actually wanted to be here back, you know the one that actually cares about patient cause that's the doctor I need." Abby said.

"And that is the doctor that you have." I say looking up at her, "what do you need Abby?"

"I have a fifteen year old girl in exam three. I think you should take a look at her."

"Ahh just the perfect patient for a pediatrician." I say rather sarcastically back to her nothing giving it much of a thought. My night had been rather slow. "Are you going to tell me why you think I should see her? Or do I have to start guessing?"

"Here's the chart, I just think that someone with a little more experience should handle this one."

I took the chart from her, "okay I've got it." I watch as Abby just rolls her eyes and heads off to take care of another patient.

"Yeah I am sure that you do have it." That was all she said to me before she took off the other way down the hallway.

I look down at the chart unsure of why Abby would have handed a patient off to me. There wasn't much in the ER right now and well Abby wasn't just an ordinary intern that was working tonight. I knew that she had been a nurse for a long time before actually finishing med school so there wasn't much that she hadn't seen, let alone much that she probably couldn't handle. She was good at what she did. I wasn't the only one who felt that way either. I had worked several shifts with her and knew that she was one of the few interns that didn't need their hand constantly held.

It was clear to me that Abby had actually already seen the patient once from the notes that were written on the chart. The history had been done and my heart was beating in my chest when I saw why she had handed this one off to me. I guess she thought that my experience was well called for in the matter but I didn't know if this was one that I was ready to handle myself. My first instinct was to chase Abby back down and make her finish the case, but I stopped myself from doing that and rather took a deep breath in and headed for the exam room.

An hour later with a tear stained face I finally re-emerged from the exam room. Abby was standing at the admit desk when I walked up to it.

"She doing okay now?" Abby asked.

"Yeah she's going to be okay I think." I replied back.

"And how about you?" She asked me.

"Yeah I am going to be just fine too." I managed to lie to her.

"Come on I'm getting coffee you look like you could use one yourself."

"I think I'll pass." I reply.

"That's not an option, we are going to get some coffee you need some air and to regroup."

"Really I'm fine." I say in a soft voice.

"Please," I hear her say, "you are not fine. Let's go."

Before I could protest Abby had a hold of my arm and was dragging me now towards the lounge where once we were inside she made me sit down at the table and then proceeded to put a cup of coffee in front of me. "I'm fine Abby really."

"Yeah sure whatever." She says to me. "Want to talk about it?"

"There's nothing to talk about." I say rather flatly.

"There's always something to talk about when you have a tough case."

"Shrink now?" I say back.

"Well no not really I did rather enjoy my psyche rotation but it didn't suit me, I was afraid that they would lock me up after mistaking me for a patient." She said.

"Really now and why would they do that, you are one of the most sane people I know in this messed up world."

"I'm not sorry that I handed that patient off to you like I did. But I thought that it might be better for her to talk to someone who had gone through what she was going to be facing."

"I see Abby." I say still in that tone that lacked any form of emotion. "Yeah well as long as it made her feel better, gave her some glimmer of hope than I guess that it was worth it."

"I'm sure that is exactly what you did for her Anna."

I look down at the paper cup that is sitting in front of me; it's easier than actually making eye contact with anyone right now. Partially due to the fact that I knew that paper cup didn't expect anything from me, it wouldn't screw me over unless it sprung some leak, and most importantly it didn't have any feelings. "Yeah when you look at a patient and you see yourself, you know what you have to tell them and you've heard it all yourself I'm sure that my experiences will help her greatly. I should have given up medicine. I'm nuts for thinking that I can do this."

"No you're not Anna; you are one of the best pediatricians that I know."

"Yeah well and you are supposed to be able to separate yourself and the patient not take anything personally but that is rather hard to do when the person that you are trying to treat, you see as yourself sitting there." I'm not in the best of moods right now again. That was one of the hardest patients that I had, had to treat in a long time. "I just treated a 16 year old girl who has ovarian cancer. All the entire time I was talking to her all I could see was me sitting there hearing those very words that I said to her myself."

"Yeah I know but I thought that seeing someone who had survived something like that, who has been able to accomplish so much with…"

"You can stop right there Abby." I say cutting her so rudely off but what I didn't need right now was a pep talk from her. "I might have survived, but I haven't accomplished anything, nothing spectacular. I'm a doctor nothing more nothing else. A soon to be divorced doctor at that. I'm not the kind of person that young people need to be looking up too."

"Yeah you are just the kind of person that they need to be looking up to. You grew up in a tough neighborhood, you overcame obstacles that could have sank other people and became a doctor. You haven't let anything stop you from doing what you love and that says a lot about you."

"Yeah well I might have grew up in a tough neighborhood and I might be a doctor but that's where all this ends. I am not anything special that's for sure."

"Anna why are you so hard on yourself all the time?" Did she honestly expect me to answer that one, please just drop a loaded question on me right now with everything else that I had going on or not going on, not that it seemed to matter to anyone but me. Strong, I had always been strong and able to keep work and my life separate but right now that was the last thing that I was being able to do and I didn't need that showing to anyone.

"I'm not hard on myself. I just have high expectations." I remembered mentioning to Doug once about a young homeless girl reminding me of someone and the answer that I gave him was simply me. But I never did see myself as anything special or out of the ordinary. Just a person whose father and step-mother had managed to scare the living shit out of to make me turn my attitude around.

"Give yourself some credit."

"Well if there was any that I could take I would, but you see this, the person sitting here before you, well she was shaped more by outside forces than anything else. Sure I am strong willed and I am and can be very independent, but I am also just human I have the same faults as everyone else. Please don't make me into something that I'm not, don't try to paint me as some kind of heroic woman because I'm not." I say looking up and then back down.

"And here I thought I was a self doubter and definite self-sabotaged individual but girl you are worse than I am."

"I guess I should take that as a compliment coming from you." I give her this half smile half very pained look. "Really Abby you make me out to be something that I am so far from. Yeah I might have helped her tonight but she's got this long battle ahead of her that I don't envy that she will have to fight and her parents were more upset about all of it than she was. Hearing what I said to their child didn't seem to make them feel any better. And in all reality it probably isn't going to make her feel much better right now knowing that a 35 year old woman had to go through what she is facing. The only bright spot in that was that we might have caught it in time. She will probably lead something that resembles more of a real life than what I have lived the past few years."

"It's knowing that she's not alone in this that matters."

"Well no, she's not alone; she has a very supportive family which in the coming months is something that she is going to need and now seems to know that she has. There's nothing special in what I did for her tonight that made that point any more clearer."

"Anna you showed her that this was beatable, that you could still have something that resembles a normal life that there's hope even at the end of what seems to be a long dark tunnel."

I pick the coffee cup up actually drinking from it, "no you know what I did what any other doctor out there would have done for one of their patients, that doesn't make me any different from Doug or Kerry or even Carter."

"Shit Anna you know you are harder on yourself than anyone ever should be."

"Well if that's the case then there has to be a reason for it." I find that I am standing up from the table, "and the reason for that is because I have been defined, and it's not the way that I want to be defined."

"What do you mean? No one has defined you as anything."

"Oh please." I rolled my eyes now at her, "yes I have been. That patient came in and you didn't go to Doug you brought her to me. I'm not seen as a doctor, I'm seen as a doctor who has battled cancer. That is how I am seen now and whether anyone means to or not they do. I don't want to be seen that way. First a foremost I am a doctor, when I am here everything else has to be put aside. I'm not allowed to have emotions or become that attached to patients. Yes I am glad that I can relate to them on a new plane but that's it. I just wish that everyone would see me as the person that I am now, not what I have gone through."

"Anna I had no idea."

"Most people don't, they can't see it. They try so hard not to do that, that they in the end that's what they remember. I'm a doctor who has had to battle cancer, but I'm not the only person in the world who has had to fight that battle, far from it. There are so many other's out there who go through the same thing that I did and not everyone else has been able to walk away from it, I'm one of the lucky ones. God only knows why I was chose to be able to be one of those people but I was and I thank my lucky stars that I am still here with my friends and my family. But I also know that in a blink of an eye that this could all be gone."

There was silence in the room between the two of us now, and I find it very hard to hold back the tears that I can feel welling up in my eyes. I had been so worried and feared dying that for the longest time that was all that I could concentrate upon. Now I had life before me and the bigger picture was more important to me that the smaller one, that was what I had told that girl. That faith and family, perseverance and a constant struggle stood before her but she that she needed to believe that she could beat it inside herself. When did I become this holder of great hope? Because there was a time in my life that I had no hope that I felt completely and totally lost. Right now I still at times felt totally lost that I was floating through this game that we called life with no guidance no idea what direction that I wanted to go, or even what I wanted from myself or from anyone else. How did I tell that to anyone? How could I express what I needed to say when the words were so far and in between?

"Life is a gift, one that we have to cherish every day that we are here. No matter what we are given it's still part of a bigger picture. There's a plan out there are we are all a part of it." I looked at her with this unfocused sincerity in my eyes, "we have to go for it. When there's something out there that we want we have to go for it and not think twice about it." I know that she has no idea what I am talking about but I hoped that she might catch on to what it was. "If we want someone or something there's only so many tomorrow's that we have and no one knows when that next tomorrow won't come. When we are gone, we can't go back and fix the things that we didn't get to. We have to take care of that while we are on this earth." Wow I am wondering where that one came from, something inside told me to just go ahead and say it and when it started I didn't think that it was going to stop. Poor Abby was getting the brunt of my rant here, but then it wasn't really a rant, it was a very subtle way of me trying to get across the point, the entire reason that I was still here.

Abby just gave me this almost blank stare right now and I didn't know what to make of it. I was in a way getting uncomfortable. Not to the point where I wanted to put my head between my legs and run from the room, but something like that. I could feel the room closing in a little. I wasn't aware that at any point in time I was Closter phobic but yikes that's what it felt like right now. I backed away from the table letting what I had just said to her sink in some. Not that my point was in away evident. "I need some air." I said as I bolted from the room for the ambulance bay.


	41. Flying and Lying

**Chapter 41: Flying and lying**

I made it almost to the bay door before I decided to side track and bolt up to the roof. There would be more peace up there if I was out of the way of those who were coming and going. I hadn't been up there in a long time and thought that tonight would be the perfect night to go hide out there.

As I crossed out into the Chicago night air I realized that tonight I wasn't the only one who thought that the roof was a good place to hide out. I can barely make out the outline of another person standing up there, but I knew almost instantaneously who it was, not that there could have been many people that it would have been.

"I didn't know you were on tonight?" I said as I crossed over to where the shadow was standing looking over the railing. "Lurking in the shadows of County like a secrete agent."

"I'm technically on in the morning, but I couldn't sleep so I came in to catch up on some dictation."

"Oh that dictation is nasty if you let it pile up on you." I say now standing next to him, "but alas dictation can not be done standing upon the roof."

"So how come you have been avoiding me." He blurts out catching me completely off guard, I didn't know that I had been willingly avoiding him, I had just been busy and right now wasn't the time to get into everything with him.

"I haven't been avoiding you." I said looking over at him, "I've just been busy."

"You could have told me that you were moving out rather than just leaving me some chicken scratched note that said hey I've moved back into the house."

"You're right. I'm sorry John." I said back to him, "it's just that it happened rather fast and I wasn't in the best of moods that day after bumping into Max while I was walking down along the waterfront. And it's not like our schedules provide us with optimal conversation time, we pass briefly in the night, either your about to pass out from working or I'm about to die from a long night."

"How did that go?"

"About that well." I said looking over at him, "you know it hurts to think that it's over like it is, but I have to move on, I can't stay stuck wanting something like that. I know that I can't have my life back like it was and no matter how much I wish that things were different they aren't."

"You want to go back to him?"

"No, oh no, I can't do that. But I can't just turn off the feelings that I had for the man who I pledged to love for the rest of my life. It's not that simple." I looked down, "I wish I could. I wish that he still loved me but he made it clear that he doesn't. That and the past few years, with him, with out him, the good the bad, stuff like that, normal that's how I want my life to be again, but something tells me it's just not going to happen and while he's not completely to blame, he's partially to blame, but I have to know that I had a part in it all too."

"You deserve better than that Anna."

"Oh I know that." I said softly, "and someday I will find that again, right now I have other things that I have to concentrate on, can you understand that?"

"I think that I can understand that but that doesn't mean that I want to understand it."

"Oh, pulling out the double speak now on me," I say looking over at him, there's a tired look to his face, something that I hadn't seen in a long time, probably matches the look on my face, we were not old by far but yet our faces made us appear many years older.

"Well only cause I know that you will understand it." He said, "talking to you is never a simple thing Anna, seems like there's always something going on. You don't lead an uncomplicated life."

Where was that coming from, I didn't know what he was trying to say. "What do I bring you down Carter?"

"No you just complicate life; even from a distance you can complicate the simple things."

"Well," I am fighting very hard not to be snippy with him right now, knowing that he probably had no idea the night that I have just gone through, "I'll make sure that I don't complicate it anymore. I won't avoid you or go out of my way but I'll make sure that you are safely out of the wake of Anna."

"No, I don't mean that Anna."

"I wouldn't blame you if you were rather mad at me." I couldn't bring myself to look in his eyes right now because I had this feeling that he was definitely mad at me he just didn't have the heart to say it to me.

"I'm not mad at you Anna."

"I had a feeling that you were going to say that." I said glancing quickly over at him. "I'm sorry if I hurt you in anyway John." That was as close to a heartfelt apology as I could get right now.

"You didn't Anna." He said it was his turn to glance over at me. "So does this mean that you are going to back to try and patch things up with Max?"

"No I'm going to this time." I said, "I've given him all that I can give and then some. I'm done and…" my voice drifts off a little as I sigh now, "well I think he knows that I don't have any more to give."

I feel his hand on mine, "it's okay really I understand it all, well I think that I do to an extent."

"I'm glad." I say not sure what he needs to hear from me, or what I need to say to him, "I'd hate not to have you as a friend."

"I am your friend."

"That's good." I send a soft smile his direction, there's not much behind it especially right now where I am so tired and worn raw right now, "you've always seem to be there when I needed ya and I would hate for you not to be."

"Oh I know Anna." He said to me now, "who else is going to give you a bed to sleep in, a shoulder to cry on, hold your hair back when you are puking in someone else's toilet."

"Yeah, who would want to have to be that person?" I shake my head now at him.

"Well I guess it helps when your two best friends are both docs."

"Got me there." I say my eyes go back out over the city. "But I am hoping that my puking in your toilet days are done. Another round of that I couldn't handle, physically or emotionally right now. I'd give up before it started."

"What time are you off?"

"Oh," I look down at my watch now, "in about a half hour. I'm off at five, been here all night."

"Well then you enjoy your day or night they kind of blend together after awhile."

"Yeah they kind of do once you get used to working all nights. I don't mind it though. It's kind of nice, some nights aren't nearly as hectic or busy as the days can be and well it gives me more time with what patients I do have."

"You like your job don't you?"

"Well as well I as can like any job." I say, "it has it moments that make me wonder what I am doing but for the most part yeah I do love it."

"That's good. You know you are good at it."

"You are the second person to tell me that tonight John." I say back to him, "guess then part of it must ring true."

"You know that it rings true whether we say it or not."

"Ah well some days I wonder about it, but for the most part if you have a shift that goes by where no one dies it makes the job a lot more rewarding." I say with a shrug of the shoulders.

"You can't save everyone in Chicago Anna."

I let out something that sounded like a soft laugh, "well I can sure try to save all of Chicago, but it's hard to do in 12 hours."

"As long as you know that." I hear him say back to me.

"It was a hard lesson but one that I think I have managed to learn on my own there, but thanks for the words of advice."

I heard him laugh softly at me. "Other than that are you doing okay Anna?"

"Well that's a loaded question there John."

"How so Anna?"

"Well I'm doing okay for the most part but there's a lot of stuff going on in my life right now that I'm not okay with. That I don't know if I will ever be okay with it." I started to explain but I knew that he would need more than that as an answer.

"I know that things are rough with Max doing what he did to you. What else could be wrong?" There's an awkward pause that came from him, "you didn't relapse did you?"

"The cancer isn't back John, so no, that hasn't relapsed, not that I know of, everything health wise is okay with me." My eyes go out over the city. "You know of all the trouble that I have been through with Max in the past right?"

I watch Carter nod, "yeah Anna, we've kept in touch remember, all those letters. I thought things were getting better all the way around and now here you are back at square one."

I chew on my lip for a moment. "No I think I'm heading back for rock bottom again."

"What do you mean; you're not headed for rock bottom Anna." He said looking at me as if I was nuts.

"Yeah there's a lot that people don't know about me. Things some days I wished that even I didn't know." I knew that statement was going to open up a whole new can of worms.

"What are you trying to get at Anna?" Carter said to me, I could see the look on his face and it was one of deep concern.

"Oh man how do I say this." I say looking at him still those eyes of his could capture you and never let you go if you weren't careful.

"Anna are you in some kind of trouble."

"Hmm, you could say that." My shoulders hunch up and my face scrunches up to match them. I hadn't stepped across the line yet but I knew that I was headed for it, and no one was any the wiser. "temptation is always right there waiting to grab you and pull you back in at the first opening."

John is giving me this look as if I have completely lost him somewhere along the way in the conversation. I knew that I had told Doug a little bit about it, and it had surprised me that with all the stress that I had been under that he hadn't said anything to me about it, but John, well I had spared him the details. It wasn't something that I thought he needed to know about. It hadn't been a part of my life for so long that I thought that I had it under control. Not that I had ever had a problem with it. I had never lost control of anything in my life this included, or so I had thought.

"What are you trying to say Anna?" He still has that look on his face and well I can't say that I like it.

"I'm not sure." Okay that answer probably wasn't going to fly very well with him, but then this is my career that I am hanging out to dry if he says anything to anyone. I trust John but then trust only goes so far when it comes to something of this nature. I probably shouldn't be talking with him of all people about it. After his stint in rehab Carter hadn't been the same person, his tolerance had dropped to almost nothing. "Slip of the tongue I guess it's nothing, consider it the ramblings of a half asleep woman nothing more nothing less." I didn't know if that would cover my ass or not.

"Anna you know that if there is anything going on you can talk with me about it." He said looking over at me.

I just smile that smile of mine playing alone with it as I pat his arm, "I know, there's nothing that you need to worry about. I'm fine it's just Max yanked my chain that's it tomorrow will be a whole new day." Oh I am getting good at lying through my teeth when I need to. Not that it feels good to lie but that's what I felt right now that I needed to do.

"Yeah okay." He seems to be willing to let the conversation go for now although I knew that it would probably be brought up again. That could almost be a given. But I might be wrong it might have just bought into the idea that it really was just Max that had gotten under my skin tonight. "I'm going back downstairs." I watch as he starts to walk back towards the stairwell. "I'll talk to you later Anna." And as he says that I watch him disappear down the stairs, leaving me standing alone to watch the sun start to rise over the city. I had about 20 minutes left on my shift and it wasn't like I didn't have my pager with me and turned on. So I wasn't overly worried about it. My patients had all either been discharged or sent to another floor for admission as it was. If they were getting slammed I was a beep away.


	42. Under the Rug

**Chapter 42: Under the rug**

I spent my two days off pretty much arguing with myself. That was usually the way that it went especially when I was spending them alone. I had managed to get the locks on the house changed so that there would be no unexpected visits from the soon to be ex-husband. I'd give him the chance to file first.

Granted if he didn't do it in a few months then I would be forced to take the initiative, although technically I could wait and then claim that he abandoned me but that wasn't going to work since I was the one that technically left in the first place, but that was after I found the whore on my couch. She might not have technically been a whore either; she might have seriously believed whatever Max had told her. Poor naive woman falling for his… oh wait I did that too.

I was sitting out back now on the deck in the sun kind of soaking it up since it had been awhile since I had gotten to see it. Hazards of working nights you tend to try and find as much daylight as you can on your days off with out messing up your internal clock that you have to work so hard to set to be able to work those long night hours. No matter what I did or what I tried to do however, I wasn't happy anymore and I had pretty much once again given up hope on getting Carter and Abby back together if this was suppose to happen it was going to take a little more help that what I had managed to come up with on my own.

"Don't answer your phone anymore."

"Ahh!" I screamed as the voice caught me off guard.

"Hey, hey it's just me," I hear soft laughter radiating now across the back porch where I was sunbathing. "Relax there oh jumpy one."

"Doug Ross, didn't your mother teach you that it's not nice to sneak up on sunbathing women who clearly are not paying attention to their surroundings." My heart is in my throat and it doesn't feel like it wants to return to my chest here any time soon.

"Ha, ha." I can hear him as he continues laughing at me.

I pull the shades down from my eyes so that they are sitting on the end of my nose and I can look down over the rims of the glasses at him, "yeah well it's true that was just not nice."

'I have never once claimed to be a nice person; you made that assumption all by yourself."

"Yeah don't remind me or I might have to take back every nice thing that I have ever said about you Doug."

"Now Anna why would you want to do that?"

There's that Doug Ross smile that I'm sure for just about every other woman made them melt into a little puddle of never ending goo. Safe to say that I was not one of those women, never did feel that way about Doug. There was just something about him other than Carol that made him appear as more of a big brother figure than anything else.

"For sneaking up on me and for making me think that you were a big brother that I should idolize because you are this great guy." I smirk at him. "Have a seat and tell me what you are doing over here, surely you have better things to do that be here."

"I talked with Carter when he was coming on shift; he said that he'd been up on the roof talking with you."

"Yeah," great now I was going to be double teamed, I had talked my way out of anything with Carter, or so I had thought be it seemed that Doug wasn't going to buy what I had told John, but then Doug knew a lot more than John did.

"You made him a little concerned with a few of the things that you said to him."

"Yeah well, what can I say I was running on empty when I talked to him, you don't always say the brightest of things when you are sleep deprived." Not the greatest of rebuttals but it was a rebuttal nonetheless.

"Heading for rock bottom Anna, you know I worry about you, and I know that there are some things that Carter doesn't know about you. That few people but your closest friends know about."

"Yeah well I was tired, and getting more tired the more I talked to Carter, I had just had that fight with Max and well a difficult patient. That's all I was referring to really Doug, you know that I would tell you if it was something more than that."

"What are you on Anna?"

"Excuse me?" I gave him a 'how dare you' look.

"You heard me Anna."

"I'm not on anything thank you very much."

"Max hook you up with something during your little run in that you didn't feel the need to tell anyone about?"

"Jumping the gun there a little bit aren't you Doug. Max hooking me up with something? You know you just insinuated that my husband is a dealer? Do you know how far fetched that sounds?"

"Well if I didn't know you and I didn't know Max then yes that would sound far fetched but since I do know both of you, it's that far from out of the realm of possibilities."

I pick up the beer that I had been working on that was sitting on the arm of my chair, "this conversation has just come to an end." I snap, "you don't know how way off base you really are."

"With an answer like that I know that I am not way off base, what is it Anna. Demerol, percocets, maybe morphine? Or have you branched out into the big leagues now not messing with the pain killers anymore cause they will make you sleeping and people will catch on when you're tired all the time or your eyes are glassed over."

"Oh get off it Doug, you are the high and mighty one today aren't you?"

"Getting the shakes Anna, crabby because you didn't get a fix today? Meeting up with Max so that you can legally get some more later today? He'd set you up with whatever you wanted I'm sure if you agreed to stay together."

"Do you want to come back to reality now Doug." My temper is about to flare. "I'm not staying with Max, he's not here he won't be here either. That's not funny in any way shape or form."

"Yeah I know it's not funny." Doug said giving me that look as if he was done playing any kind of game with me. "Are you going to tell me what's going on with you or should we just go into County right now so that I can get a tox screen on you."

"Slow down now Doug. We are not going into County for a tox screen you have stepped over the line of friend in more than one way." I say standing up from the chair and heading for the house. I am not going to have this conversation with him, granted it might have been for my own good and he might be more on track than he knew but that was going to be the end of it.

"Well then let's go inside so that you can have what you need." He said looking at me. "Seems that you are pretty anxious to get back in there."

"No I'm anxious to end this conversation." I say back to him, "give it a rest Doug."

"Well if you have nothing to hide then you should be more than willing to go in and let them run a screen."

"Yeah right I have no intentions of going into County on my day off. See I have other things that are my list of things to do that to give in to your ludicrous request."

"Touchy today are we."

"You think you can just stop with this, or is your plan to torment me all day long?"

"Anna my plan is to get to the bottom of what is going on with you. And well you are not very forthcoming with information here now are you?"

"Well, Doug since there is nothing going on there's no information to be openly forthcoming with." I said back to him, "see if there was something to say, then I would say it but since there is nothing to going on I have nothing to say."

"Talking to me in circles there Anna."

"No that was not talking to you in circles it was pointing out the truth something that I needed to do because it was clear that you don't believe what I say to you." I throw my hands up in the air disgusted with all of this.

"What's it going to take Anna?" He says as he grabs my arm, as if he didn't already have my attention, "huh, come on tell me what's it going to take this time?"

Deep breaths Anna, you don't want to kill him. I found myself saying to myself. He's just being protective, overprotective but you have to find the sweetness in it somewhere. "Doug, you are wrong, so fucking wrong I can't even find the right words to say to you right now." Honesty Anna it was good thing to use every now and then and I needed to use it right now. "Carter read too much into what I was saying at the time and right now you grilling me like this is not making me feel any better."

"Well you had better find the words and start explaining things to me." He said in a rather rough tone.

"Yeah I guess that it's up to me to explain what's going wrong in my life over and over so that I can't just forget it pack up and move on, oh no I have to keep ripping the wound open so that ya'll can keep pouring lemon juice into it huh." Oops that was a little more sarcastic than I meant it to be but that's how I was beginning to feel right now.

"What the hell are you talking about, you have us all worried and scared to death talking cryptic like that, hitting bottom can only mean so many things Anna."

"Yeah and naturally you think the worst of everything that I could have meant by that, no rather than say hey Anna's what's up, what's got you feeling so down like a normal person would you come over here and you jump down my throat for something that I haven't done." I pull my arms back away from him. "Show's a lot of faith in me as a person, Thanks for sharing just how much you trust my judgment and ability to handle my problems with out resorting to that."

"Well then why are you acting right now like you have something to hide."

"Because you are accusing me of something that I didn't do. Give me some credit Doug, if there was something that was really bothering me that bad, I would have told you by now, but you haven't even given me a chance to try and work through it myself before jumping the gun. Maybe I'm just not ready to talk about it yet. You ever think of that? That maybe once I had a full understanding of what it was that was bothering me I would be more than happy to share."

"What happened?" Doug asked point blank.

I sat down in the closet chair I had to if he was going to make me rehash all of this yet one more time. "I had a bad day." I started talking, "okay more specific than that I have had a rough go at all of this. Abby gave me a patient the other night and well I didn't do all that great handling it."

He just nodded as he listen to me, there was silence there now and I knew that he wanted more than that from me.

"Look it was a 16 year old girl with ovarian cancer. Abby thought that if she saw someone who had survived it, that it would give her some kind of underlying hope. Maybe it did, I don't know all I know is that all this time I've been able to maintain this distance between patient and doctor, not take on patients problems personally, but this time with this patient I couldn't do that. The entire time all I could think about was what the poor girl was facing, all that I knew could happen and what I wished hadn't happened to me. Doug my life right now it sucks, I feel like I've been labeled and I can't escape it, my husband cheated on me, and I kicked him out. I'm having a hard time right now so excuse me if I got frustrated with the whole situation and felt like I had bottomed out. Just sometimes you reach the point of being so overwhelmed with everything that you don't think that it can get any worse. But the thing is that I know it could be worse, a whole lot worse and I wonder when that other shoe is going to fall when they are going to tell me it's come back and my time's running out again."

I felt him sit down next to me and take my hand into his, "oh honey." His tone wasn't one that was full of platitudes. He knew to spare me those; I had heard them all before one to many times. I knew that he wanted to tell me that the other shoe wasn't going to drop at any minute that everything was going to be fine but that was a promise that even he couldn't make to me, at least not make and keep.

I had been open and honest with him and I hoped that said something to him. I stood up pulling my hand away from him, and no matter how made at him I was right now I needed to make some kind of good faith gesture, more for his sake though than my own. I had a feeling it was the right thing to do, it would make him feel better maybe if not it would sure as hell guilt him something awful. "If you want we can go in and I'll let you do that tox screen." My voice is flat, giving off the impression that I am done fighting, not that I have much left to fight with right now.

It's just that I can understand where he was coming from but it still hurt to have him jump to those conclusions. Especially just taking Carter's word at face value and reaching a decision. If he had just asked I would have been more upfront and honest with him about the whole thing but he didn't he right from the get go assumed the worst.

In my mind I am still trying to figure out where the old Anna went and what might have become of her. She was dead and gone something about the hours of chemo and radiation; surgeries and the so forth had sucked all of that out of me. This wasn't how I wanted my life to be, this wasn't what I wanted to be like, but yet I couldn't find the way to get back to the real me anymore. Too much had happened that made that seem like this impossible task, that every time I tried I was doing nothing more than banging my head up against this invisible brick wall.

"No you don't need to do that Anna." He said his voice this time the one that didn't carry very hard.

For wanting to make him feel bad about thinking what he thought about me, I was sure feeling bad about all of this. I didn't realize that in putting him on some kind of trip was going to put me on the very same one. Horrible feeling actually and well I'm sure that he wasn't the only one showing it right now.

"Sorry." I say as I kick the ground. "I didn't mean to make you feel bad," I felt like this giant downer right now that being around me had just sucked all the life right out of him as well. Oh man rather than an ER vortex Doug had entered the Anna vortex with out warning and now I was seeing the repercussions of my own feelings. This is why I never talked, why I never willingly opened up to people, it was this feeling that I fought so hard not to feel.

"Don't be." He said his voice very flat, very monotone with me right now.

That tone just makes me feel even worse about the whole thing and I was very convinced by what he said to me right then. It seemed almost as if he had forced himself to say that. Did I blame him no, I didn't, and I couldn't blame him right now. But I didn't know what the right thing was to say to him, if there was a right thing to say. Something inside me wanted to explain more about this to him. In losing Mark to his battle with cancer, surely Doug had to have a small glimmer of what it was like, but then you never knew what it was fully like until you were affected by it yourself. And I was unfortunate enough to have learned that lesson first hand.

I am focused now on what I am about to say, I think that I need to say it for him as well as for me. "Doug." I took a deep breath in now, "really I didn't mean to go all postal on you. It's just that this isn't what I thought it would be, going back to work I thought that I would be accepted as just another doctor, another pediatrician who worked hard to save her patients, respected for my skills and the time that I have spent in the field but that's not the picture that I get at work. I see the glances, the looks on people's faces when they pass me in the hall, they don't see me, and they see the fact that I have had cancer. I'm just another poor soul to them; they can't see past the disease, all they see is how unfortunate I was. It defines me as a person to them, but that's not who I am, that's not who I want to be. I fought that battle and up until now I felt like I was winning. It was something that was in the back of my mind but I swore that I wouldn't let it become me. Yet no matter how hard I try, that's what it's done. It's taken over my life and I don't want it too."

"Anna we are all going to have those patients that affect us more than we want them to. I get the same way whenever I see a child come in whose parent has decided that they are punching bags. It gets under my skin and I get angry and mad and half the time want to turn that parent into a punching bag. We can't complete detach ourselves from the situation every time, even if it is what's best for all parties involved, but you what you had to have said to that young woman going up against what she was facing, hope is the best thing that we can give a patient, when we have it to give. It's a little light that we can offer at the end of a very long tunnel, when we've walked it, it makes what we say ring even that much more true."

"But Doug, I'm still me, Anna's still in here somewhere." I said now fighting to keep from crying, I tended to be overemotional lately, guess it was just life sneaking up on me or something to that effect. Not that, that was how I wanted to be it was just the way that I was nothing more nothing less.

"Hey I know you are in there." He said now as he reached over and gave me a good hard hug. There was something about him that made talking seem so much easier once we could get a conversation going, but that was the hard part with anyone. There was always so much that needed to be said but sometimes words were never easy to find and even if they were easy to find, the might not have always been the right ones.

But I find myself smiling at him somewhat now, not a big beaming Anna smile that I would have given him if I had felt like myself but something on a less grander scale. "You know I have never actually taken the time to thank you for everything that you have done Doug."

He looked at me a little shocked hearing me say that. I don't think that he was expecting that. I know that I hadn't been expecting to be saying it. "It's okay Anna I already know."

I get this feeling that he doesn't want this conversation to go that route that it's one of those unspoken things with Doug, but yet I couldn't help myself. I might not have wanted to make him made but I felt something inside of me wanting and needing to say this. "But I need to say it Doug, you might not want to hear it, and there's nothing wrong with that," I look at him, "but I want to thank you for everything."

There's that fucked up silence again. That one that you hate and try desperately to avoid, well we have fallen back into it and I don't think that this time we can climb out of it as easily. Not that I wanted to say okay well then now that we have all of this settled, if you let me go back to my nap in the sun I would appreciate it.


	43. 26 letters of the alphabet

**Chapter 43: 26 Letters In The Alphabet**

I knew what we all needed right now was a night out on the town. I picked up the phone and made some calls so that Tuesday night we'd all be out having a good time. Susan and Chuck got a baby sitter for Cosmo, Doug and Carol took the girls to spend the night with Helen and Carter and Abby, well they were being drug along cause I had made it look more like an ER outing than anything else. Granted I didn't invite any of the medical students or the interns along, but this was more senior staff anyway, or old friends getting together for dinner and drinks after work.

"This was a good idea Anna, glad you thought of it." Susan said smiling having a free night away from Cosmo giving her and Chuck a chance to be with the grown ups.

"Feel good to have a free night?" I replied back with a smile on my face. Carter and Abby were sitting on my right, stuck next to each other being forced to talk, all part of my master plan that right now appeared to be going okay.

"Oh yeah." Susan said.

"Very good." Chuck added with a laugh.

I just smiled back at them it appeared that everyone was having a good time. I had some fruity pink drink in front of me, the last time I let Doug decide what I was going to be drinking.

"Enjoying that Anna?" He asked leaning across the table a little so that I could hear him.

"It's uh… well how do I say this… definitely different." I reply back playing with the straw a little, "what is it?"

"Oh that I can't tell you." He said smiling. "I told the bartender I had a friend in desperate need to relaxing and to make her something kick butt."

"Nice to know, why didn't you just give him my number while you were at it… and I am so not desperate?" I banter back to him.

"Who says I didn't give him your number?"

"You brat. You wouldn't do that."

Carol looked at us both since we were behaving rather childish at the moment but that was that love that was between us and a little bit of alcohol kicking in.

"He did." Carol said still looking at us both, giving Doug a look that said you're crazy and she's going to kill you and me that please don't kill him cause he's got kids look.

"I will get even you know that." I say back to him looking now over at Carter and Abby who are having a conversation now that doesn't involve the rest of us. I'm not sure if that's a good thing but for now I am going to let them be. "Hey Doug take me out on the dance floor."

Chuck looked at Susan and smiled taking her hand and leading her out onto the floor. I watch as Carol jabbed at his side, "go on take the woman out you owe her before that bartender gets her."

"Got a point there Carol." I say as I stand up and Doug and I move out onto the dance floor.

"What have you been scheming?" Doug asked me.

"What makes you think that I have been scheming?"

"You have that look in your eye." He said as he turned me so that I was looking towards Carter and Abby who were still talking, "does it have anything to do with those two?"

"It might." I answer, "but hey if they have a good time and get dates out of this then whose to say I did anything wrong."

"Looks like there's trouble in paradise there matchmaker." Doug said.

I notice that Abby has her arms crossed over her chest and Carter's got that deer in the headlight look on his face, "great I leave them alone for two minutes and things get ugly. What's a girl got to do?"

"Not attempt to hook your ex up with his ex again." Doug pointed out. "Those things never work if you try and force it."

"I'm not trying to force it, just well speed up the process. If I don't get them together in places where they have to talk to each other they might not talk and how can I get them together as a couple like we all know they are supposed to be if they aren't talking."

"Where did you learn to argue like that? Carol must be giving you lessons behind my back." Doug said with a little laugh.

"Of course she is." I had to laugh with him, "don't worry about those two, there's been more trouble than that in paradise and I think that this is the beginning of smoother waters for them. I can see it, you can see it, and everyone else sees it maybe now those two will be able to see it."

"I think that you have delusions of grandeur." Doug said as the music stopped and we started back to the table.

"Perhaps, but everyone needs a little shove every now and then to get things started and that my dear is exactly what I have done." I say giving him a soft sweet smile. We are back at the table and I look at Carter and Abby.

Abby looks like she's about ready to clobber Carter and Carter still has this look on his face that is saying I have no idea what the hell I have done this time. I sit back down in front of my beer glancing one again at them, man I just wished that the children could play nice.

"Come on Carter you owe me a dance." I say standing up again.

"I don't know Anna."

I didn't give him another chance to back out grabbing his hand and dragging him out there. I was going to give this every effort that I had and try to attach some for of subtly to it so that it didn't look like I was playing match maker. "Having a good time?" I ask as we start to dance.

"Yeah it's okay." He replies back to me.

"Curb your enthusiasm there for me Carter." I say, "come on there's no reason that you can't enjoy a night out with your friends."

"I can think of a few other things that I should be doing right now, I think that I am going to call it a night when you are finished."

"It's still early Carter." Him leaving so early in the night was no in my plans at all and I knew that I needed to find a way to get him to stay and he and Abby talking or something that resembled talking again.

"I have an early shift in the morning." He protested.

"What are you going to do at home? Curl up in your flannel pajama's and watch the clock tick by, it's to early to go to bed and certainly to early to go home." I point out.

"I have journals to catch up on and I need to finish an article that I am writing to get it published." He pointed out to me.

"And those are things that you absolutely have to do tonight?" I ask.

"Needs to be done." Carter said to me, "what do you have against me leaving?"

"Nothing Carter." I sigh.

"Oh please don't give me that."

"No really nothing." I sucked at being a match maker and that was becoming very apparent to me. I was going to have to find another tactic if I was going to get this to work. "Nope go ahead I know that you are probably tired and since you are having such a great time with all of us."

"You are not going to guilt me into staying Anna."

"I'm not trying to." Well that was a little harsher than I intended it to be, but I was not trying to put him on a guilt trip that I knew of. I found that I had pulled away from him and rather than dance with him anymore I headed back for the table and sat down back at my beer. Doug leaned over and whispered now into my ear.

"Blew up didn't it?"

To which my response was to smack him in the arm, "oh shut up."

He sat back laughing softly, "sorry."

"Yeah so am I."

Now that plan A, well the only plan that I had managed to come up with had blown up, backfired, not come anywhere close to working I was going to have to come up with plan b, good thing there was 26 letters in the alphabet cause something inside told me that I was going to need them.


	44. Well, Not really

**Chapter 44: Well, Not Really**

It had been a longer than normal shift or so it seemed and I found myself now at the end of a double. I headed out into the ambulance bay for something that resembled fresh air before digging into the charting that I needed to finish before I could get out of there for good for the night.

"Off Anna?" I heard a voice calling from behind me.

"Kind of." I replied back.

"That doesn't sound promising." He said now standing beside me.

"Well it's better than being still on, take it your off now John."

"Yeah I am just finished up, taking a break then?" He asked.

"Yeah I needed some fresh air, wake up a little before I start on the charting that I need to finish up, thought I might wander and grab a hot dog to eat then get that done and go home and crash, get some of that much needed sleep."

"Sounds like a plan, want some company, I'll even buy you that hot dog you're wanting."

"How can I say no to that?" I give him a smile, "sure come on before they find out that you haven't got out of the ambulance bay and you end up sucked back into that vortex we love to call the ER."

We started walking not saying much between the two of us, but Carter's body language is letting me know that there is something on his mind yet I am almost afraid to ask. We wandered down to the local hot dog stand, it was later in the evening and the coolness was starting to set in. But it was very pleasant time of the night.

I lean against the bridge rail now, the concrete hard against my back but I find it useful in keeping me awake. "So Carter what's on your mind?"

"Nothing." He replies back to me.

"Bull." I say back, "there's something you can see it as clear as the nose on my face. Want to tell me about it?"

"It's nothing really." He says and then there's that dreaded silence between the two of us. Friends we were but when it came to having conversations we seemed to find more dead space between us than anything else.

"It's got to be something."

"Your new line of work." He said.

"Huh?" I'm a little thrown off by that one.

"You set me up last night."

"Not really."

"Is that the phrase of the night for you Anna, not really?"

"I didn't set you up." I say now looking over at him. "Setting you up would involve fewer people than who was all there last night. Last night was just a few friends getting together after work that last time I checked was not setting you up."

"Sure felt like it."

"You're reading to much into it then." I say back to him, "you'd know if I was setting you up it wouldn't have been like that."

"Really now."

"Really." I say, "that was just getting to know you time or something like that."

"So you admit then there was a hidden motive behind last night."

"If there was a hidden motive behind last night, it remains hidden even to me."

"Anna, you can be the most frustrating person I know." Carter said looking me straight in the eyes. "You are trying to fix something that destiny has seen fit to keep broken. And now she's mad at me."

"I had nothing to do with that." I say shrugging my shoulders for he is clearly upset with me over this and I had nothing to do with Abby getting mad at him. In fact for most of the night I had managed to keep my distance from the two of them. Well after Doug's attempt to set me up with the bartender. "Being set up, that's what Doug did. I didn't give anyone your number and say that you were desperate for a date that you needed to relax and have a good time. All I did was arrange for a few friends to get together."

"Doug really did set you up with that bartender then? I thought they were making that up."

"Oh no I wish they were making it up." I say with a small laugh, "nope he has my number and is expecting a date soon."

"Oh lucky you."

"No unlucky me, I am not looking for anything in the dating department, let alone with a bartender, please what are we going to have in common."

"About as much as Abby I have in common anymore." He said back to me.

"You two just need to find a way to work through those differences that you have." I said to him now trying not to be serious but finding it hard not to be. "There's that one perfect person out there for everyone and we spend out entire lives searching for them. I think that you've found yours, and she's something worth fighting for. You give up to easy."

"I don't give up to easily." He rebukes back.

"Yeah you do." I said, "things here awhile ago got hard, you got lost and made a mistake by running away, just like I made the same mistake by running away. Doing that causes a lot of heart ache and a lot of trouble that you have to work twice as hard to fix, but you can fix it."

"Not if I use you as an example." He said.

"Oh that's not fair." I say back to him, "and who says that Max was my one perfect person? You know I might have thought that but it might not have been right, it could be the reason that I'm alone and he's off with some younger blonde right about now."

"Sorry Anna I didn't mean anything by it I really didn't."

"Oh posh Carter I am so not upset with you." I say again, "that's long gone and while it hurts, there has to be some reason that it happened. I'm not one to argue with the greater plan or the greater good, let alone try to understand what it is all about. I don't plan on spending the rest of my life looking for a reason that I might never find. I'd miss out on too much life and maybe that's what I need to do, enjoy life for a little while."

"Hey bartender boy might just be your perfect person." He laughs at me.

"Oh god that would just be my luck, me and bartender boy. Hell if I can even remember his name." I say back to him.

"Well you can't call him bartender boy out on a date that's for sure."

"Watch me."

"That wasn't a dare."

"Sounded like it me. I am going to kill Doug for this one." I reply.

"Those are empty threats." He said, "and you know it."

"I will find someway to get even." I say looking over at him before looking out over the river and the Chicago skyline. "Even if it means that I sugar load his children before taking them back after babysitting so that he doesn't get a good nights sleep and has two very hyperactive children for several hours."

"Now that I could see you doing." Carter laughs, "remind me not to get on your bad side."

"Na, it's okay once I use something as evil as that I don't use it again." I say.

"You need to stop trying so hard." Carter says changing the subject back again.

"Trying so hard at what?" I play innocent now.

"Match maker honey," Carter said back to me patting my arm, "you know if these things are meant to be usually they work out on their own."

"Ha," I snicker at him, "you two are the only two who don't see what everyone else sees and I am not trying to hard to get you two to open your eyes and see it."

"Yeah you are."

"What do you want from me then, for me to stop helping." I say.

"That would be a start." He answered.

"Okay I promise no more matching making." I smile this, yeah right smile at him now.

"Good."

Hey seems that he bought that one, so I had nothing to worry about, cause there was no way that I was giving up on this. I had to see it all the way through and while my first attempt might have failed from no previous match making experience that didn't mean that I wouldn't come up with something else that might just work.

"I'd better get back and finish those charts." I say to him as I move from where I had been leaning.

"Yeah don't stay too long okay?" Carter says to me as he starts to walk away a little.

"Yeah I won't." I reply back.

"I mean it Anna. You need to sleep sometime too. It was a hectic night."

"Okay Carter, go on now go home."

"See you tonight." He says as I watch his retreating form.

"Yeah see you tonight."

I head back towards the ER now. I sat down in the lounge to finish up what charts I needed to do thinking that if I was in there rather than at the admit desk, they would be less likely to try and curbside me for consults. As I sat there thinking an idea slowly started to come to me, plan b might just work.


	45. Listen to your heart

**Chapter 45: Listen to your heart**

Another day another shift, long week it had been seemed like I had spent more time at work than anyplace else. I hadn't seen anything inside my house other than the bedroom and bathroom in a few days now.

I snuck up onto the roof at about 2 in the morning now for a break and a cup of coffee in the quiet still of the night. I had about 15 or 20 minutes before the drunks who cause accidents or who were in accidents started to coming in. 2 am was the witching hour and I needed some time to myself before things started getting hectic again.

"Getting some air?" Abby's familiar voice rang out into the night.

"Yeah, thought that I was alone up here though."

"Carter once told me that you never are alone here, even up here." Abby said back to me now.

"I'm beginning to get that feeling."

"I can go if you want me to."

"Nah, that's okay go ahead and stay." I said to her, "as long as you don't need something done to you, you're fine."

"Long night?"

"Oh the night is still young." I find myself saying, "it's the week that has been long."

"Yeah I know that feeling."

"I'm sure as an intern you do, how did you manage to sneak away. Pratt seems to have you under his thumb. I think he likes having you do to most of his work."

"Well there's, oh man I don't want to say it and jinx it."

"Lull downstairs." I say finishing that thought for her.

"Well there was, I'm sure it will be over now."

"You have a few minutes." I say, "we just hit the witching hour about 5 minutes ago, so give or take we have anywhere from 10 minutes to 15 minutes of silence before they start scooping them up and dropping them off at the back door."

"Always so positive Anna."

"Can't be anything else or I would never get to the end of this shift." I smile a little now, "but I'm thinking that with you doing most of Pratt's work that means he's free to do most of my work and I can grab a nap about 3:30 or so and get in a good hour before someone needs something."

"Oh you really are dreaming now. I'd say you'd get 15 minutes before someone knocked on your door needing an order clarified or a drug ordered."

"Yeah that's about it too." I say back to her, "but I wouldn't have to technically get up for that just listen and answer."

"Must be nice."

"What to work nights and get a nap, or just to be able to listen and answer?"

"Both," she said with a laugh.

"Eventually you'll get there. Won't be much longer and you'll be a resident with your own little interns to order around and then you can get that nap and learn to listen and answer without getting up off the gurney."

"Carter has that one down; I think he got it down when he was an intern himself."

"I hope you get better med students and interns than what Carter got though." I laughed this time, "he was always getting the short end of the stick, got some pretty bad ones while I was here the first time."

"I heard that you had a good job in Philly, why didn't you go back?"

"There was nothing left for me there." I replied back. "My family scattered when my dad died, my mother was living in the area at the time it just made sense. Now I don't have a reason to leave anymore and after while County grows on you."

"Yeah this place grows on you like a fungus." Abby said with a laugh, "but I couldn't see myself working anywhere else not after all this time."

"Family," I said, "after a while it becomes a giant family that you don't want to leave, makes it hard when you have so many good friends here."

"Yeah you're right." She said with a softer smile now. "You aren't too bad of a person you know that, when you're not trying to play matchmaker against the odds."

"You know you are the second person in as many days who has accused me of that. I do not play matchmaker." I said to her.

"Yes, unfortunately you do." Abby smiled at me, "please ER get together, and that was such a see through rouse."

"Well then if you could see right through it why mention it now?" I say back.

"You seemed to be pretty pleased with yourself at the time I couldn't see any reason not to let you think that you were doing a good job."

"So kind of you Abby." I said back again to her.

"Yeah I know, but you are barking up the wrong tree."

"I might be barking up the right one and the people in that tree can't see it." I say knowing that was probably one of the lamest come back lines I had ever come up with.

"No I think we saw you and jumped out of the tree."

"Ha," I mock a laugh back at her, "you are so funny."

Her tone turned more serious with me now as we stood there. "Anna I know that you mean well and all but there's nothing between me and Carter. There might have been once upon a time but that's in the past. He left and moved on end of story. I'm not going to sit around and wait for him to decide what he wants in his life."

"I'm not saying that's what you should do." Oh man this wasn't going well right now and it seemed like she just wanted to give up and move on.

"Carter's complicated, I'm complicated, put complicated and complicated together and you get too screwed up."

"Nothing is ever too screwed up." I say, "things might get messy and life is never easy. Sometimes the road that we take has more uphill treks than downhill ones. There's curves and bumps but you once you get past all that there's easier smoother times ahead."

"As much as I want to believe that I just don't know about it." She said, "would you open your heart to someone who had broken it?"

Oh that was a loaded question that I shouldn't answer cause the only answer I had wasn't going to be the one that I wanted her to hear. "I might."

Abby looked at me, "if Max came back tomorrow and told you that he was sorry that he had made a mistake and he promised it would never happen again, you'd forgive him and take him back?"

I didn't know what to say to that, I honestly didn't know for sure if I could do something like that. "I don't know."

"You know." She said, "you can see it on your face."

"I probably wouldn't. But that's different."

"How so Anna?"

"Max and I we weren't dating we were married." I say, "what he did was wrong, very wrong. What Carter did, that was a mistake."

"I don't see that." Abby answered me honestly.

"What that Carter made a mistake?" I ask, "what he did, I'm not saying it was right or that it was wrong. I just know that he regrets the decisions that he's made and maybe it's worth something to give him a second chance. I'm not saying that you two can jump right back to where you were, no that's not possible too many wounds have been inflicted. But we get very few chances to start over again, and you both have that. I wouldn't turn my back on that and not give it a shot."

She was silent now as I think my words were sinking in just a little bit. I didn't know if what I said made any difference with her but I hoped that it had.

"I got to get back to work before the med students and interns start killing people." I say as I move back towards the door, "think about it Abby. Listen to what your heart says and what it wants before making any decisions." And as I said that I slipped through the door and headed back towards the ER.


	46. Blind Date

**Chapter 46: Blind Date**

Yet another day of work at County had come and gone and Carter, Abby and I were all gathered in the lounge in various stages of going home. It was going to be now or never that I talked to the two of them together.

"Hey guys, I need a favor from you two."

"What might that be?" Abby asked looking at me.

"Huh what?" That was the reply that I got from Carter as he looked my direction upon hearing my voice.

"Are you free tomorrow night?" I asked them both knowing that neither one of them could say that they were working.

"Yeah," Abby said answering me, "what do you need?"

"I think I am free." Carter chimed in, "what's up?"

"I need you to go out with me." I told them.

"Go out with you, what are you talking about?"

"With me to a restaurant, my date with Bill is tomorrow night and I don't want to go alone, please come on you have to come with me." I am practically begging.

"Oh I don't know Anna; I think that, no I'm pretty sure that I have something that I have to do." Carter said looking at me like I was nuts.

"I'd love to help you out but I have plans to uh…" her voice trailed of, "wash my hair."

"Oh come on please, I'm desperate here. Don't make me go to this thing all by myself, what if I need someone to rescue me."

"Anna you are the last person on earth who would need rescued from a date." Carter said as he shut his locker.

"Oh Carter come on, surely you have to owe me one."

"Make Doug go with you, after all it was his doing." Abby said.

"I can't he has to work, please come on don't make me get on my knees and beg the two of you to help me out with this, I'm nervous as it is." I put on the wounded puppy dog face in an attempt to guilt trip them.

"It's not going to happen Anna you are on your own this time, sorry." Carter said to me.

"You are so mean, what is so important that you can't do this, all I'm asking for is just a few hours of your time so that I don't have to be stuck at a table with a total stranger for hours on end with no rescue in sight."

"Nope." Abby said, "you will be there all by yourself with Bill."

"Come on I would do it for you." This argument appears to be getting me nowhere fast.

"It's not that I won't do it," Carter said looking at me now with a boyish grin.

"That what it sounds like Carter." I say back to him, "and here I thought that I could count on a little help from my best friend."

"Oh you know that I am your best friend." Carter said as he gave me a hug, "but the answer is still going to be no."

I put on my pouting face now, "oh please, I won't ask you for anything else, please Carter you just have to do dinner."

"Anna you are fighting a losing battle here."

"So that's what I do best, please."

"Forget it."

"Give me one good reason Carter that you can't go?"

"You don't give up do you?"

"No I don't." I smile at him, "I'm not letting go until I get that reason."

Abby looked at us like we had both gone insane. The room fell silent for a minute as she double checked to make sure that there was no one else in there and that no one was about to walk in. "Because Carter and I are going out Anna that's why."

I try to not let my mouth hit the floor but that's what it did. "You are?"

"Oh don't look so shocked, we just didn't want anyone to know about it and have to be put through the rumor mill so keep a lid on it would you." Abby said, "you can keep a secret can't you?"

"Yeah I can." I say with a smile, "about damn time you two dated."

"Well we thought it might make you happy and keep you from pestering us and having to go to those get-together's that you keep putting together trying to play match maker, although after this last one I think that you might have learned your lesson." Carter said.

"Yeah I did." I said smiling at both of them. "Wow that's the best news all day."

"No telling, not even Doug." Abby said.

"Oh god especially not Doug, Dr. Intercom knows the whole hospital will know." Carter said, "you have to keep it to yourself Anna."

"I will, I can, oh man." I pulled Carter into a hug I was so happy right now for the two of them. I didn't think that they would ever be able to get it together.

"Curb the enthusiasm. You look like you are about to explode." Carter said letting go of me, "just think about the date with Bill that ought to burst your bubble."

"Okay I will sacrifice and go alone for the greater good." I smiled at them both now and you two are definitely the greater good."

I watch as they both smile at me, "under wraps Anna."

I head for the lounge door now to go home, "completely under wraps don't worry Carter I am not Dr. Intercom, no one will know about this until you want them too. And if someone finds out it won't be because I told them. Have a good night you to, I need to take a bath and relax before facing the Bill tomorrow."

"Have a good one Anna." I heard Carter call as I walked out the door and headed toward the EL and home for the night.

I got my long hot bubble bath in and just started to feel completely drained as if all the life had suddenly been sucked right out of me. I didn't stay in there nearly as long as I normally would have for I felt more tired that I usually did after I shift. I found my pajama's and then climbed in under the comforter. It didn't take long before my eyes drifted shut and I feel into a nice deep sleep.

The next sound that I heard was my alarm clock going off. It couldn't be 5 am already. I had just laid down. I sat up rubbing my eyes to find that it was indeed 5 am and I had been asleep for several hours even though it didn't feel like it.

I got dressed, grabbed a bit to eat and then headed back toward the EL and into work again. Two hours into my shift I found myself dragging more than I had in a long time. The hands on the clock seemed to stand still now. I just wanted the day to end so that I could go out on this horrible blind date.

My shift finally ended and I went into the lounge to leave for the night. No one else was in there as I grabbed my things and headed back out to the EL. Right now I just wanted to curl up and go back to sleep but I knew that wasn't going to happen, it wouldn't be right for me to call and cancel on him this late.

So out on the date I went. I was polite and charming, my usual self the entire evening. Never once letting on as to how I was really feeling. We had a nice dinner together; the guy wasn't as bad as I thought he would be bartending was only a second job to help make ends meet while he was going to school.

"Thank you for the lovely evening." I said as we pulled up back in front of my house.

He got out of the car and came around to open the car door for me, "I just want to make sure you get inside okay. I really had a good time tonight; maybe we can get together again sometime?"

I turned to look at him as we reached my door and I had pulled out my keys, "that would be okay with me." I said honestly the night wasn't all that bad and I was willing to give it another chance.

"I will call you later then." He leaned forward and just kissed my cheek before turning to walk back to his car. "You have a good night Anna."

"You too." I replied back as I headed inside my house. All week I had been so nervous about dating again. I mean it had been a long time since I had gone out with anyone, well anyone who I hadn't known for some time, yet there was something that had gone right tonight that made dating not seem so scary. I don't know if it was that now that I knew a little more about Bill that I could relax around him, or maybe it was that I was finally over Max completely and I was ready to move on with my life. It had just felt good to be out, to have someone interested in me for me. Not because I was smart or beautiful. Bill actually seemed interested in getting to know me the person that I was more than just what I did every day at work.

I found myself wishing now as I leaned against my front door that he would call again soon. Carter was happy with Abby, Doug was happy with Carol and well I had the chance to be happy with Bill. After tonight Doug was a very lucky man. I was so upset with him when he had given my phone number out to a complete stranger that I had wanted to strangle him with my own too hands well now maybe, depending on how the next one went I wouldn't have to kill Doug after all.


	47. Chapter 47

**Chapter 47: Starting over again.**

Four more dates bartender Bill, although I was not longer actually calling him bartender boy anymore. And I guess now you could say that we were officially dating each other. We had spent time together and the more that I got to know him, the more comfortable I felt with him and it seemed as if this was someone that I might actually be able to start over again with. When I had first started going out with him I didn't think that I wanted to start over, build a relationship and perhaps a life with another person but the more that we saw of each other the more that I was second thinking that decision.

The night that we had that exclusive talk I was almost terrified, I didn't picture myself ever having that conversation with anyone ever again but yet, now that we had, had it, it seemed almost as if we should have. I didn't mind actually being considered someone's girlfriend, sounded better than saying that I was divorced. Bill was actually getting used to my off the wall schedule and my pager going off at odd times when I was on call, but it's not like he didn't know where I was going to be.

That first night it happened, I didn't know until later, but he had followed me back to the ER, not spying but he actually wanted to make sure that I got there okay and that I really was a doctor that I hadn't made that up. I had to laugh when Chuny told me there was a man waiting for me in chairs and the off the wall comment made by Doug when he noticed who it was.

It was a Tuesday night and I was just about ready to get out of there now. I had put in my 12 hours and was looking forward to having dinner with Bill tonight. He said that he'd pick me up from the hospital and if I was too tired we'd grab something on the way home, settle in front of my fireplace and I wouldn't have to move. Right now that sounded pretty dang good.

"Hey Anna," I heard Doug calling my name as I was headed out of the lounge with one arm wrapped around Bill.

"What do you want Doug? I'm on my way out." I called back.

"Hey Bill." Doug said as he got closer to me. "Anna you have to cover for me please, just for an hour two at the tops."

"Oh no Doug you have to be kidding me, can't someone else do it?" I looked at Bill and then back at Doug. "Susan, Pratt, or Ray there's got to be someone else that can do it. Come on Doug please don't stick me here, I've already done my 12."

"Anna," Doug said his eyes pleading with me, "I wouldn't ask you if it wasn't important, and it's really important, I just need a couple of hours."

I looked up at Bill who is looking down at me now his eyes are full of sympathy but the look says that he understands if I need to stay, "someone had better be dead or dying Doug, and you will owe me more than you will ever be able to pay back."

"It's Kate." Doug said as if he really needed to explain it to me but I cut him off before he could finish.

"Go on," I said looking at him and waving him off, "two hours please don't make me pull anything more than that, I'm not feeling all that great as is it."

"Thanks." He said as he kissed my cheek and ran out the door.

I felt Bill kiss the top of my head now, "how about I run over and get you something to eat and then when you're done you can eat, I'll take you home so you don't have to take the train and take care of you then."

I sighed softly, "you don't have to wait around for me." My head dropped, "I'm sure you have more important things that you should be doing."

"I have my books with me; if it's okay I'll just hide in the lounge and get some homework done while I'm waiting for you."

I smiled at him, "yeah that's fine, if anyone gives you any trouble tell them to find me." I say as I stand up on my tip toes to give him a small kiss on the cheek, "have I told you lately how great you are?"

"No," Bill replied back to me.

"Well you are, you are wonderful and great," I gave him a small kiss, "and I have to get back onto the floor because I have unsupervised residents and interns and that's never a good thing."

"Go save Chicago," he said with a smile as he let go of me. "You know where to find me when you are done."

"That I do." I said as we walked back into the lounge and I got my lab coat on again, "don't study to hard." I kissed the top of his head now as I walked by since he was sitting.

"Don't you work to hard," he said with a smile, "you have residents, make them do your dirty work."

"Gottcha." I said as I headed back out onto the floor and dug into work again, my mind half on what I was doing the other half on what I wanted to be doing.

An hour passed and no Doug, he said he'd be an hour or two and it was looking closer to the two hour mark now, but I just kept working on the influx of patients and tried to fight off how sleepy and tired I was getting again. Two hours came and went and I had now been there over 14 hours. Granted that wasn't one of the longer shifts that I had work, I had done 36 hours for a long time and it never bothered me, but for some reason right now I could barely handle the 12 hour shifts.

I was beginning to feel back for Bill who was still sitting in the lounge and thought about going in and telling him he could go home, but thought twice about it, I'd give Doug another half hour and then send Bill home. He didn't need to be in the lounge studying when he could be at home where it was probably a lot more quieter.

Three hours now and no sign of Doug, oh that man was going to be dead meat unless something had seriously happened. I finished up the patient that I was with and then headed into the lounge.

"Hey baby." I said.

Bill was still sitting at the table with his nose in a book. "Are you off Anna?"

"No Doug's still not back yet." I said with a soft sigh now as I got a cup of coffee.

"How long have you been on today?"

"About 15 hours now, nothing that I can't handle." I said with a smile, "but you should head home. I don't know how much longer I'll be and I'm sure that with everyone coming and going in here you could use some place quieter to study."

"I'm okay." He said back to me, "I'm more worried about you."

"Ah you don't have to worry about me, I'm super doc, good for up to 36 hours when needs be." I answered him back now, "no really I'm fine. Doug shouldn't be too much longer why don't I give you my house keys and you can head back there and crash until I get off."

"Or I could wait for you, you can go back to work and stop bugging me and I'll just sit here and study. You don't happen to have your laptop with you do you?"

"No I don't. I forgot to grab it when I walked out the door this morning. I left some charts on top of it too." I sighed again, "good thing they didn't need them. I was having a bad morning."

"Oh okay."

"Did you need the computer for something, cause there's one at the admit desk that you could use, Jerry's just killing zombies right now." I said looking at him from over the rim of my coffee cup, "I'm sure I can pry him off of it long enough for you to get something done."

"Yeah it would be great if I could, I just need to send off a couple of emails for this project that I am working on and if I could get it done tonight that would be even better." Bill stood up and followed me out of the lounge now. I found a spot where he could sit behind the admit desk and not be bothered. Jerry was still killing zombies on the other one, but promised to leave Bill alone and not get him hooked into the game. I headed off to see patients, not that there were that many right now but enough to keep me busy.

I finally managed to talk Bill into going home since it was now 2 am. I told him that I would call him later and we could get together then. When it slowed down enough I went and laid down in an exam room and told Chuny to wake me up when Doug got there or at 6 am so that I could get something to eat and then get to work again.

I was up at 4 when a collision on the Kennedy came in and I finally got that all taken care of at about 6:30 which left me no time for a shower a very little time to eat. I grabbed what clean clothing that I had in my locker, grabbing a very cold shower, clean scrubs and a hot cup of coffee with five minutes to spare before my 7 am shift started.

"Hey Anna." Carter said as he walked in through the door.

I looked at him with my tired eyes, I was tired before I started last night and I was dragging now. I had gotten less than 2 hours of sleep and was now starting in on a third 12 hour shift I did not want to be pulling a 36 hour shift but I was left with no choice.

"You look like hell."

"Ah thanks for the astute observation Carter." I said, "nice to know."

"What you were off last night, party to hard with the bartender boy."

"Ugh Carter, his name is Bill and no my ass was here last night. I have had very little sleep and now I'm on another 12 hours. I got a shower but nothing to eat, I'm tired, cranky and about ready to go medieval on you."

"Isn't there someone who can cover for you today?" He said looking at the schedule, "Doug's off maybe he could stay over for you?"

"Doug's the reason that I have been here for so long." I snapped.

"Sorry didn't know." He said, "do you want me to see if Kerry can call someone in to cover for you, honestly you look like you are about to fall over."

"No I will work my shift, and stop telling me that I look horrible." I snapped as I walked away. I didn't need to be reminded that I probably looked about as good as I felt right now which wasn't great. I needed to sleep. I know that Doug probably had something serious with Kate happen last night but my god did he have to leave her there working all night when I had been there all day and was going to be there all day today. Nothing was going right, and the more time that passed the worse I felt.

I worked my shift with out complaining and come 7 pm that night I clocked out, I didn't say a word just signed off my patients to Luka and with out another word headed out the door. I knew that I needed to call Bill and I would just as soon as I got some sleep. I fought to stay awake on the EL, the rocking of the train made it hard but I got to my stop and the cold air kept me awake until I walked in my front door. I locked the door and crashed right there on the couch not wanting to take the time to walk up the stairs to get into bed, this would do just fine for right now.


	48. Chapter 48

**Chapter 48: I saw another year**

Growing up as a kid I was never really into the whole New Years deal. I mean sure I wanted to stay up with the adults cause they were always having fun, but once I had a life living on my own, I ended up usually working. When Max and I were married we would often work the holiday letting those who liked to party go out. I can't say that I ever really missed it, but there was something different now about the coming of a new year.

I was thankful to see yet another year change on the calendar that I was there to see it happen. I was finally for once happy with nothing ominous hanging in the background. So far I had been lucky and I was still in remission. Now I know that the odds are never in one's favor, especially as late as I was diagnosed and how advanced it had been when we finally found it. Yet I didn't find myself dwelling on that anymore. I was in a stable, or what I thought was a stable relationship with a great guy, I had my friends around me who all seemed to be happy and in good health, it was those things that made this New Year even more special.

Bill and I were happy together, you know I think that I had finally found someone that I could see myself with. We had spent Thanksgiving with his family and that was, well for me rather adventurous. His family was about the same size as mine was, however he was in a different spot in the peaking order than I was. I was the oldest of eight; he was more in the middle of the pack. I had all brothers; he had four sisters and three brothers, two of which were older than he was. I had forgotten what it was like to be around that many people at once in the middle of a feeding frenzy.

Christmas was much more mellow. We spent the morning wrapped up in a blanket in front of the fire and then we went to Doug and Carol's. I couldn't let the day go by with out seeing my two favorite girls on Christmas, now that just wouldn't have been right and I probably would have been knocked down the good list with them a few notches. Bill seemed to fit right in and well there were a lot less people at this small gathering.

Now here we were once again sitting at my place in front of the fire. Seemed that we spent a lot of time there rather than over at his and we'd better dating for several months now. I had my head resting against his chest as we laid there perfectly content to not be around a large crowd of people.

"When do you go back to school?" I asked.

"The fifth." He answered me, "do you have to work tomorrow?"

"Yeah tomorrow night." I answered, "you working?" I was surprised that he'd be able to get such a busy holiday off, but wasn't going to complain about it.

"Yeah I am, I'm there until 2 or 3 depends on how busy it gets, should be pretty slow though people recovering from tonight." He answered.

"Yeah, I bet they are busy tonight, I'm honestly surprised that my pager hasn't gone off yet. But the night is still young." I replied.

"Oh I'm sure that it will sometime before the holiday is over be going off, what all the really drunk people will be on the road about 2." He said kissing the top of my head.

"Yeah and then they will get hauled into county where miracles are expected in putting them back together again. Maybe, just maybe I can have a little luck on my side tonight and they have enough hands at work to cover it."

"Wishful thinking Anna." He said with a soft chuckle.

"Oh don't burst my bubble." I said as I poked him in the side. "I can wish now can't I, you know if it doesn't go off that means that I don't have to leave here, and I know you really don't want me to have to leave, you'd lose your heat source." I give him a soft smile.

"Oh come here you." He said as he pulled me in closer so that now I was more sitting across his lap, "you know I am one very lucky man."

I let out a soft laugh, "and here I thought that I was the lucky one."

"I think we both are actually." He smiled down at me. "I'm lucky because I have an angel sitting on my lap."

"Oh don't go there, I might have to take you in to work and have them evaluate you for psychiatric problems."

"And what would you do if they found any?" He joked.

"Oh men and to hard to find these days, so I'd be forced to keep you." I reply back.

"I wouldn't know about that." He said with a smile.

"Speaking of that you know I have been doing a little thinking." I said my words coming out slowly now as I want to talk to him about this but finding the courage to broach this subject has been hard.

"Thinking about what."

"Our living arrangements." I say my voice soft and you can tell that I am a little nervous about all of this, although I don't know why.

"What about them?"

"You're going to make this hard on me aren't you?" I asked.

"Yeah, is there any other way to make it?" He bantered back.

"Bill." I said jabbing at him now, "okay, you know you are over here almost all the time, you are very seldom at your apartment, well unless you need clothes or a book or something that you don't have hanging out over here, I think I did your laundry for you for the past month."

"What are you getting at Anna? That you don't like doing my laundry or that I am spending to much time over here?"

"Neither of those, what I am trying to say, and you are not making it any easier on me here, is that maybe you and I should think about moving in together. I have the house, there's enough room and well you do already have a lot of stuff over here, paying rent on your apartment just doesn't seem like something you should have to be doing if you're not there."

"So then you want me to live here with you because you want me to or because it seems like the economical thing to do?"

"You are a regular kick in the pants you know that don't you." I give him a very frustrated look. "Yes I want you to move in here because I like having you here."

He smiled at me, "you're not worried about what your friends are going to say are you?"

"Why would I be worried about that?" I asked now.

"Oh I don't know they seem a little taken aback that you are getting serious with, 'bartender boy'."

"Oh baby they don't call you that anymore." I say with a smile, "how did you know about that?"

"I overheard Doug." He said, "not that I was eavesdropping or anything he said it rather loudly at the time, are you still upset that he gave me your phone number?"

"I was no longer upset after that first date." I said back to him, "I even decided that night that I wasn't going to have to kill Doug, I was just nervous about the whole thing at the time."

"You could have fooled me; you seemed so calm and collected that night, as if you didn't have a fear in the world." He said. "Not once that night did I detect anything remotely close to fear or nervousness."

"I wasn't afraid of you." I replied back, "just not used to dating that's all. It's not like I have done a whole lot of it, and it had been a long time since I had."

"Yeah well, I'm glad that he gave me your number, I'm thankful for that first date and every date since."

"Your not the only one." I say, "come on what do you say we lock up the house and go to bed." I grin at him now, "I know it's not late, but a cat nap or two sounds like a nice thing and we can talk some more about this moving in thing."

"Moving in thing?" He said with a laugh as he pulled me up to my feet. "I don't think we need to talk about it anymore, consider it a done deal."

"Okay," I said up on my toes to reach his cheek where I place a small kiss, "done deal," I smirk at him now, "you can have the spare bedroom."

"Hey now woman."

"Oh no, you did not just call me woman," I say back to him.

He wraps his arms around me and takes me up off my feet; my hands shoot around his neck holding on for dear life now. "Yes I did cause you know you are my woman." He winks at me with a smile on his face.

"Yeah I know." I say smiling back at him, "now move it and don't you dare drop me on those stairs." I laugh softly as I feel him start to move.

"Have a little faith in me would ya?" He said, "I haven't even come close to dropping you once, god there's not that much to you."

"Just keep moving," I smart back, "enough of this talking business, I want to curl up next to you and forget about the rest of the world."

"Anna, I really like the sounds of that." He said. And with that we disappeared into the bedroom and left the rest of Chicago to fend for itself.


	49. Chapter 49

**Chapter 49: Accident prone**

I had though February had been cold March was even worse; old man winter was not letting his grip go so easy this year. Bill didn't want me driving on the streets with the condition that they were in right now. It had been raining all day, a combination of freezing rain then just rain and now the temperatures as the sun set were plunging into the low teens and everything was turning into a big sheet of ice.

"You make sure that you take the EL home, they will keep the tracks in good shape, because I don't want you on the roads. I'll be home tonight as soon as I can." He kissed my cheek as we walked up towards the ambulance bay doors.

"I don't know what time I'll be off." I answered him, "it might get hectic tonight here with the shape of the roads and the weather right now. I'm sure that there is more than one frozen bum that we are going to have to defrost."

"Just be careful." He said.

"That goes for you too." I said back to him, "I worry about you too you know."

"I know you do, now go save the world so I can get off to work." He said nudging me to start walking inside.

"I'll see you later." I shot him a wave as I walked inside those double doors and headed for work.

The board was a mess, the rack was full and patients were backing up by the truck load. It seemed that all of Chicago was out and now in our emergency room. I threw on my lab coat and grabbed the first chart of the night. It didn't take long before I was balancing a case load of fifteen patients. I was becoming quite the juggler and I was supervising two residents and their med students.

"Anna!"

Oh lord what now I thought as I heard my name being shouted through the ER. I turned to see Susan waving frantically for me. And I headed back down the hall, "what you need?"

"How do you feel about flying?"

"What flying, are you kidding me?" I answered.

"Nope need a doc on scene and tonight that happens to be you," she answered me. "You have flight duty tonight remember?"

"What when did I sign up for that?" I asked as Carter came out of the lounge.

"Here, you're going to need this." He said tossing me a jacket.

"You and Carter are going." Susan said as she now handed Carter the cooler with the blood for use on scene in it.

"Oh man you are not joking." I said as I put my arms into the jacket knowing it was going to be colder than snot out there. "How did I get roped into this? Isn't this something that a resident is supposed to do?"

"Nope mandatory for attending now too." Susan said giving me that look that told me I needed to get moving. "Go on they are waiting for you up on the roof."

I took off after Carter as we headed for the top of the hospital now. "You have to be kidding me that we are flying out in this." I said as we were riding up.

"Don't like flying Anna?"

"No I don't mind it, I just don't want to be out in this kind of weather that and we have a packed ER as it is. What are we going to?"

"MVA." He replied, "they have people trapped and need triage docs on scene," he stepped out of the elevator when the doors opened. "That's what you and I are for."

I followed behind him now as we headed for the chopper that was waiting for us and I found myself saying a small prayer as it took off in the horrible Chicago weather, in the dark headed for god only knows what. Carter said MVA but he also said triage which meant that there was more than one vehicle involved and definitely more than one person.

I tried to stay relaxed during the flight at least I couldn't see much with it being dark, until we got close to the scene and you could see flares everywhere, it didn't take long for the pilot to get to where he was supposed to land and we were back on the ground. It was pouring down rain and it stung when it hit your skin. All that I had was my face showing; my hands had gloves on them as we headed to see where we were needed first.

There were people everywhere many of them in shock from what had happened. 45 cars had been involved in the pile up, rumor was that the first one lost control and the one behind it hadn't been able to stop, the highway was almost one giant sheet of ice with a layer of water covering it. Running was out of the question cause in places you could barely keep your footing. They needed to get this sanded or we were all going to be in trouble for there would be no way that an ambulance could drive on this stuff unless it was heavily chained.

I started in on the mass of people that needed to be looked at and sorted through, triage was something that I hated to do, but I could do it. I started going from car to car and keeping an eye out for where Carter was as well as for my name being called. Seemed with all the firemen on scene that Carter and I were it for Docs out there right now.

I got to a small car that had a woman and two children in it. Being a pediatrician, the kids I knew I could handle, and being an emergency room physician I knew that I could handle all three of them. It looked like the car had been hit several times and there wasn't a part of it that wasn't smashed in somehow. The woman was bleeding from her head and I couldn't arouse one of the kids in the back seat.

"What's your name sweetie?" I asked the young girl in the back seat as I was checking over her brother.

"Mary." She answered me back, making me feel a little bit better about her condition. As long as she was talking to me I knew that she was still breathing.

"Where does it hurt Mary?" I asked her brother was having a much harder time than she was.

"All over." She answered.

"Did you hit your head or pass out?" I asked, "did everything go all black at any time?" She couldn't have been more than 8 or 9.

"No, I don't think so. I'm scared."

"I know honey you just hold on for me and we're going to get you out of here and taken care of." I leaned back out of the car now, "I need some help over here."

"What do you have Anna?"

I looked up to see Carter. "that's Mary." I said looking over at her, I knew that I needed to keep her as calm as I could right now. "She's being brave for me. I need to intubate this one, his airways not stable. We need to get them out of here." I was leaning into the car now trying to reassess the boy and holding on so that I wouldn't slip from all the ice.

"Okay." He said, "can you reach him?"

I pulled on the door trying to get it to open but it didn't want to budge, so I moved around going in through the hatchback of the car trying to get to him, "yeah I'm here get me a tube." I called back, the boy was starting to tire out and I knew we needed to get him out and soon.

"Here." He said and I reached back to take it from him, this was not going to be easy. I managed to get the boy intubated even in the precarious position that we were both in. I just hoped that nothing else happened while I was stuck in this car.

"Mary are you still with me?" I said glancing over.

"Yes." She said, "but it hurts."

"What hurts sweetie?" I said taking my eyes fully off her brother now as I looked over at her, if I moved just a few more inches I might be able to reach her better.

"My chest hurts." She said.

As I moved closer to her I could see why it hurt, a chuck of metal had gotten her in the side and she was bleeding pretty badly. "You just hold on for me okay, it's going to be okay." I was going to have to stay calm to keep them calm.

There was soft moaning coming from the front of the car and I tried to turn around to see if she was okay. Moving through such a small car was not easy especially with the way that it was smashed but I managed to get up to check on the woman in front and she appeared to be in better shape than the kids but not by much. I could tell that she had broken some bones and definitely some ribs but right now she was still breathing and for me that was good enough. "Mary are you still with me honey?"

Now I didn't get a response, I knew that I needed to get back to her as soon as I possibly could cause I was going to lose her if I didn't get her out of that car. "Carter, I need you now." I yelled as I tried to get back to her. I lost my grip on the seat that I had been holding onto as the inside of the car was now wet from the rain that had been coming down. "Son of a bitch," I muttered as something jabbing into my side but I shook it off as I moved the rest of the way to the backseat of the car.

"What is it Anna?" I heard Carter's voice finally answering me.

"I need to get her out of here now." I said as I moved between the two kids, "she's losing blood fast and she's unresponsive now." I said, "get me a fireman or something to get her out where the hell are they?"

"Coming hold on." I watch as Carter moved away from the car.

I reached into the bag that I had in there with me, I listened to her chest she was still moving air but not much I was going to have to tube her too. But it was going to be near impossible with the angle that I was at, but I was going to have to try cause I didn't see Carter anywhere near me. I moved so that I was in a better position and hoped that Carter hurried cause I was running out of time. I managed to get her so that she was breathing again and then checked on the brother.

"You have to come out of there Anna." I heard Carter say and I moved to go out the way that I had come in.

"Just get them out." I said as I pulled myself free of the car and watched as the firemen did their jobs and worked to free the two kids, "they need to go to County now."

"The chopper is waiting for you." He said, "they are the most critical right now."

"Glad you agree with me." I said.

"What did you do?" He asked pointing to my side.

"Slipped in the car, I'm fine." I answered him back.

"Get that looked at when you get back." He said as the firemen pulled the girl free of the car and got her onto a back board and gurney. I started towards the chopper with the girl knowing that they would follow with the brother in a matter of minutes.

"Don't be stubborn Anna and get it looked at." Carter said to me as we loaded the girl and I climbed in, they were almost right behind us with the boy now.

"Yeah Carter." I said as we got the boy in. "See you back at County." They closed the doors of the chopper and with in a matter of minutes we were back on our way to County.


	50. Bad News Buttercup

**Chapter 50: Bad news buttercup**

I got the brother and sister back to County and both up into surgery by the time that Carter got back to County via one of the ambulances. I was in an exam room now taking care of one of the less major injuries that had come in from the pile up.

"Hey Anna." Carter said, "I've been looking for you."

"Just keep it dry and come back in seven to ten days to have the stitches taken out, you'll be fine." I said to the patient as I took off the gloves and turned my attention back to Carter, "I'm right here." I said with a smile, "where did you think I would have gone."

"Sleeping somewhere." He said with a smile, "you get that looked at?" He asked me as he pointed to my side again.

"Oh sure Carter," I said sarcastically, "right between patient number 40 and 41."

"Come on let's go take a look at it now and get it cleaned up." He said to me as he put his hand on my arm so that I wouldn't protest. "Can't have you bleeding all over the patients now can we."

"Sure you can." I said with a smirk, "they haven't seemed to care so far."

"What did you do again?" He asked as we headed into one of the now empty exam rooms.

"Lost a hold in the car and either scraped against something or landed on something I'm not sure, it's not that bad." I replied.

"Let me be the judge of that." He said.

He motioned for me to lift up my shirt where there was a red patch, "you worry to much you know that Carter?" I said as I did what I was told, it appeared to have bled somewhat through the gauze that I had slapped on there rather hastily so that I could keep working, "it's nothing more than a scratch."

"Holy shit Anna."

"Okay now that's not the response that I was aiming for Carter." I said.

"That's not a little scratch."

"Yeah sure it is." I replied back, not that I had taken the time to look at it or nothing but now that things had slowed down I could, "ouch!" I yelped as he finished ripping the gauze off, "what the hell you do that for?"

"So that I could get a better look at it, lay down doctor." He said as he tone changed with me.

"Why how bad is it?" I said trying to get a look at it myself.

"You don't want to know." That was the response that I got from Carter. "Is your tetanus up to date."

"Uh yeah." I said back to him.

"Good cause other wise you'd be getting one tonight."

I let out a loud yelp when Carter starting poking at my side. "Knock if off that hurts." I snapped at him.

"Hold still." He said to me as he moved away to grab a few supplies. "I think you have a chunk of glass in there."

"Chunk?" I said back to him, "what do you mean chunk?"

"You have glass embedded in your side, how the hell can you not know that it's there, come on that has to hurt." He said to me.

"Not when the adrenaline is flowing nothing hurts." I said back to him. "Ouch would you stop that."

"Yeah hurts now huh there super doc." He said to me.

"Well yeah now that you are messing with it, you know you could be a little more gentle there Doctor Carter."

"I am trying don't be such a wuss." He said to me. "You got it in there pretty good. You know I am going to have to stitch this up when I get the glass out."

"It's not that bad is it?" I found myself asking now, "really I mean it didn't hurt until you starting playing around with it."

"Anna honey," he said looking me straight in the eye now as he held up a piece of glass. "This was in your side."

"Oh my." I said when I caught a glimpse of the, well it really was a chunk of glass. "You know I would have thought that I would be in a little more pain about now from that." My eyes were fixated on the piece of glass he was holding now. "Oh well just fix me up there Doctor so that I can tend to the rest of the patients that we have left."

"Oh no," Carter said, "I'm going to fix you up and then you are going to go home and get some sleep you need it."

"Okay what," I said looking at him again, "first off where do you think you get off telling me that I need to go home and get some sleep?"

"Since I became your doctor and since I have always been your friend." He said giving me a half evil eye. "Anna honey, you need to just go home take it easy for the rest of the night, you only have a few more hours left and I can keep up with it."

"Carter the ER is packed with people who need to still be seen who weren't part of the accident." I said looking at him, "just stitch me up and let me get back to work I'm going to be fine. Like you said it's only a few more hours."

"I wish you'd go home Anna."

"Doctor." I said raising my eyebrows at him now, "if I wanted your opinion on what I should do I would have asked you for it, but I can tell you that right now I am… ouch didn't you numb it first."

"That's for not doing what you should do." He said to me.

"Well violence towards me is not going to get me to do what you want me to…. Ouch."

"Going to reconsider?"

"Not really…. Ouch." I yelped again.

"Might want to think about it."

"You are being…. OUCH." I yelled now, "stop it Carter."

"It has to be done, Dr. Del Amico."

"Well stop hurting… ouch… not funny… oh for the love of god." I said looking at him, "I want another doctor."

"Well you can't have another doctor." He said, "you are stuck with me like it or not."

"Like it or not Carter?" I said looking at him, "when did we go back to… ouch you rat bastard."

Carter didn't say anything more to me as he continued to finish fixing up my side and I wanted to reach over and strangle him by the time he was done. When I felt the gauze cover where I had been hurt I jumped off the gurney not wanting to be at his merciless hands anymore.

"Thanks Carter." I said rather sarcastically as I pulled on my lab coat and headed to leave the room, "see you later I have work to do."

"Go home." He barked at me but I was out the door and headed back to work before anyone could say anything else to me about it.


	51. Chapter 51

Chapter 51: I'll miss you

Every time that night that Carter and I had passed in the hall he had seemed to just glare at me. As if I was nothing more than a child who was disobeying a parent. I didn't see any reason why I couldn't stay and finish my shift as everyone else was expected to do. Sure my side hurt, well more so now that Carter had done his sadistic handiwork on it in hopes that it would send me to the point of wanting nothing more than to go home. Well that wasn't going to happen, I'd work until I dropped dead or my time there was up. But even I hoped that it would be the later of the two.

7 am and the day shift started to come into the ER. I could punch out knowing now that my shift had come to an end and that I wouldn't be needed there at least for another few hours if all went according to plan. Granted I was dragging more than I had in a long time. Seemed that I wasn't up to speed tonight in keeping up with the hours, but that could have been that my side was smarting and I had done a lot more running than usual. I signed out my patients to the morning crew and was now nearly literally dragging my tired body from the ER.

"Morning Anna." Doug called out as we passed in the ambulance bay, he was on his way in to start his day and I wanted out of there.

I raised my hand to wave hello or goodbye, perhaps a combination of the two. It was about all that I could muster at that particular moment in time.

"You okay?" Now that was the sound of an annoyingly overprotective big brother.

It was enough to get me to stop, turn towards him, force that yeah hey don't worry everything is just peachy smile upon my face, "yeah I'm just fine Doug. Have a good one." I answered back now turning once again to continue the trip to the EL so that I could get myself home. I could hear my bed calling for me even as I headed up the stairs to catch my train. Days like this morning where one where I almost wished that I had my own car but then right now I was probably too tired to drive as I could barely see straight as it was.

With the conditions the streets had been in last night though it was probably better that I was safely tucked about the EL. It seemed however that the train I was on was going in slow motion. Fully aware of the fact that it was indeed not my train that made it seem that way but just how tired I really was. And that never sank in all the way until you stopped moving. I got off at my stop and very carefully started to make my way the few short blocks to my house. Of course it waited until I was completely clear of the station and could see my house from where I was on the street before those dark grayish black clouds let go of the rain that they were holding. Cold as it was, I tried to hurry and was soaked to the bone fingers nearly frozen as I fumbled with my keys trying to undo the front door lock.

Once inside I found the warmth that I had been expecting and looked at the stairs that I needed to climb as I closed the door locking it behind me. I couldn't help but let a soft sigh escape as I headed up them. Trying desperately now to retreat to my bedroom where I was bound to find warm dry clothes and an equally warm bed to lay my tired head.

Finally now that I had dry pajama's on the covers of the bed pulled back and I slipped between them my body instantly collapsing into the security of it's favorite resting place. I closed my eyes before I got that nagging feeling that I was forgetting something. Yet couldn't at first put my finger on it. Oh yeah I had an appointment with the oncologist today at 2. That gave me… I rolled over to glance at the clock… oh lovely about six hours of sleep before I would have to be out of the bed. I would have rather had about eight or ten with the way that I was feeling right there and then but it wasn't to be today.

The thought of calling in sick tonight did cross my mind as I drifted off to catch what elusive sleep that I could. That feeling of just having gotten there when the blaring and oh so annoying sound of the alarm clock roused me from that sound state.

Up and out of the bed I went. Nothing like feeling that you hadn't gotten enough sleep and looking in the mirror it looked like I hadn't gotten enough either. My face was pale white and there were these dark black circles under my eyes. Not quite the sight that one would want to see staring back at the mirror at them. I turned on the shower so that the water would heat up, freezing cold water didn't sound appealing to me considering the fact that I was cold to begin with. I just naturally assumed that was from being out in the downpour on my way home from work.

I was having the great debate with myself now as I started to shower so that I could make it to my appointment on time. Part of me wanted to take the car the other part of me didn't want to deal with the conditions on the road and thought that it would be safer to take the EL rather than have to deal with it. I didn't want caught in another surprise downpour though with no way to change my clothes. Sitting in an oncologist's office soaking wet somehow didn't seem to be on my list of priorities right now.

"Hey baby, didn't know you were home today."

That voice snapped me from my self centered debate. "Yeah baby I worked last night, don't have to go in today." I called back to him. I could see the shadows in the bathroom and knew that he was in there with me.

"Did you get some sleep?"

"Yeah I got some." I answered back leaning forward to turn off the water and reaching out for the towel which I secured around my mid section before stepping out. "What are you doing home, thought you would have had class."

"I get out at noon today." He said giving me a rather odd look, "are you sure you got some sleep?"

"Yes I am sure. I think I would know that one." I answered back, "are you working tonight."

"No, tomorrow night."

"Extra time to get your homework done." I said, "stop looking at me like that." Maybe I didn't get enough sleep cause that came off a little more snappish than I meant for it too.

"What you look horrible, you should go back to bed."

"I can't." I said as I started to get past him to get ready to go out. "Doctor's appointment today."

"Which doctor?"

"The oncologist." I answered heading over to the dresser to grab clean clothes to wear.

"Do you want me to give you a ride down there?"

"You don't have to." I answered, that would have been the answer that I had given anyone about going with me. I was used to going alone, "it's just a routine check up nothing serious."

"I can go with you I don't have anything else going on today." He said, "you shouldn't have to go alone."

I slipped the shirt over my head before answering him, "if you want to, it really doesn't bother me to have to go alone."

"Yeah I want to."

I glanced over at him and he still had that same look on his face. "What now?" I had to ask.

"Have you lost some more weight baby?"

"I don't know I just haven't been eating much lately. Long busy hours at work, you know how that one goes." I said as I finished getting dressed, "but if you are going with me we need to get going."

"Yeah I'm coming."

I watched as he walked out of the room and I was not more than a few steps behind him now so that we could get out of there. I had to sit down when we got to the bottom of the stairs cause I was nausea out of the blue.

"Everything okay Anna?"

It took me a minute to get my barring straight so that I could answer him without fear of throwing up right there and then, "yeah." I said pausing for a minute, "just felt sick to my stomach."

"Maybe you should stay home."

"No I need to go." I said as I tried to pull myself up off the step that I had sat down on. "It's really important that I keep these. I'm sure whatever it is will pass."

"Okay baby." He said coming back over to me and helping me back all the way up onto my feet, "here let's get your coat."

I wasn't going to argue with the extra help that he seemed willing to give as we headed out into that still nasty late winter weather. It just felt colder than it had all day and maybe I was coming down with something. I worked in an ER so there was a pretty good chance that one of my small patients could have shared.

"Pretty quiet you okay?" I heard Bill ask as he started up the car.

"Yeah I just think that I am coming down with something." I said softly as I leaned my head back against the seat. "Hazards of working in the ER, all kinds of communal bugs going around."

"Maybe you should take the night off catch up on your sleep that might make you feel better, cause baby you look a little green around the edges right now."

"Yeah might not be a bad idea." I let my eyes close since he was driving and I didn't have to worry about it.

The drive down there didn't seem all that long, checking in and sitting down in the office. I had a pretty good relationship all things considered with my doctor. I mean doctors didn't make the best patients, let alone cancer patients. It wasn't that I didn't trust her, it was just that something about going to medical school and practicing medicine, there was a lot that she didn't have to explain. Knowing what I knew made getting sick, that sick even worse cause I knew what the odds were.

Bill stayed in the waiting room. It wasn't that I didn't want him back there; okay well maybe part of me didn't want him back there, just because of what all was going to be done. Dressed now in a gown laying on the table in there. The room seemed to have a chill in it that I had never noticed before.

"Afternoon Anna."

"Hey Dr. Martin," I said when I saw the woman with the soft smile. Her many years as an oncologist shown upon her face. There was some comfort in knowing that I had a seasoned doctor on my side.

"Everything going okay?" She asked.

"For the most part yes." I answered with a small smile. "Just I think I'm coming down with something county hazard, that place needs a warning label for it's docs."

"What's going on?" I heard her ask. "You've lost a little weight."

"Tired, cold, nauseated," I rattled off what was going onto her as she started with the exam. Talking while she did that seemed to make it go a little faster than if we sat there in silence.

There was now a few minutes of silence in the room, and it just didn't have that good silence feeling to it, as if there was something off for this was taking longer than it normally did.

"Anna I'm going to send you over to the hospital for a CT scan." She said as she stood up and snapped off her gloves.

My heart about fell through the floor when she said that for it could only mean one thing, or at least to me it could only mean one thing. "It's back." I said my voice so soft it was barely there.

"I'm not going to say yes to that just yet." I heard Dr. Martin say. "But you know…"

"There's a high chance of recurrence." I cut my own doctor off, "and the survival rate is five years." Knowing that it could very well be back again was not good news that much I knew for sure. I had barely managed to get past the last round that I had to fight with this and I didn't know just how much fight I had left in me if I had to go and do it again.

"Anna we need to wait and see what we are up against. You could very well just have a cyst or a benign growth." She said to me now. "Don't give up before we know what you are up against."

I couldn't help but sigh, and it wasn't that I was disagreeing with my doctor, but the doctor inside me the one that made me such a horrible patient at times was screaming at me that this wasn't a good thing. There was growth, and just knowing that was more than enough to put me on edge. I could cope with just about anything that was thrown at me, but right now with the point that I had finally reached in my life and being happy with Bill. None of this seemed to be fair. "I know." There wasn't much behind my voice now that the wind had been taken out of my sails with the news. Not only that but I had a boyfriend who seemed to care a great deal for me sitting out in the other room and having to explain all of this to Max the first time around had been hard enough, to have to do it to someone else. Well frankly, I wished that I would have thought about that when we first starting dating. I should have kept my distance and protected him a little more rather than letting him become such an important part of my life.

"Anna, this might really be nothing." I looked up when I heard Dr. Martin start to speak again. "But it's better to err on the side of caution right now. So don't start thinking you need to get your affairs in order like I know you did last time. That's written all over your face."

I managed to get a semi-soft smile out for her, "that bad already huh?"

"Yes, that and I just know you." She said as I watched her now start to write on my chart. "Do you have a certain time that you need to have this done? I don't know what your ER shifts are like for the next few days."

"Ah, you know me I am just glutton for those vampire hours." I said, "just schedule it and I'll work something out."

"You won't no-show on them, cancel, try and reschedule?" She asked giving me that you know you had better not look.

"Yeah that's me." I said, "I've never cancelled or no-showed on you." I point out and I started to get redressed. "Just schedule it, really I can make just about anything I'll only run if it goes down and there are people circling in the hallway."

"Alright Anna." She said, "I'll have them schedule it and let you know before you leave. And try not to worry about it too much. I'll call you as soon as they get it to me."

"I know you will." I said as I watched her head out of the room so that I could finish getting my clothes back on. It took me a few minutes cause I kept getting lost in thought as I did it, but I knew she kind of expected that one from me today. It was hard not to think about it, or worry about it.

On my way out I stopped at the desk just long enough for them to hand me a piece of paper with the appointment time and date on it. She apologized to me for not being able to get one sooner to which I just replied that it was okay. It was schedule for the day after tomorrow so I would have to days in which to wait to see what was going to be my fate. Well that and however long it took it to get back to Dr. Martin, but I knew that as soon as she had it she would be on the phone with me to let me know what was going on.

I walked out into the waiting room seeing Bill sitting there flipping through an old magazine. I crossed the room over to were he was sitting and all that I could think was I'll miss you. I didn't know how I was going to tell him about this, I didn't know if I wanted to have to tell him about it.

"Hey are you…" his voiced trailed off for a minute and I could see his face change as he looked like he was changing what he was about to say. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah I'll be fine." I said, "let's not talk about it here okay? I just really want to go home."

"I can do that." He said as he wrapped his arm around me and I probably leaned into him a little more than I had all day, but I was tired and my mind was heavy from what I had just been told.

Granted I knew nothing at this point in time, nothing that was certain. I hated that. There was nothing more frustrating than being in the dark. It felt like I was trapped in some grey area and I didn't know if I was coming or going. But something inside me said that it was nearing that time for me to be going and I couldn't stop it.

If there was one thing that I had learned through all of this was that when it was your time to go, there was nothing you could do to stop it and it didn't matter where you were or what you were doing at the time. You came into the world fighting and you would go out of the world fighting. It really was never something peaceful. You had to fight for that last breath of air you would take or you fought to have five more minutes with those around you. I didn't know if I had that kind of fight left in me but giving up, was that something that I was honestly ready to do. Looking at Bill made it that much harder to be able to do.

Don't worry about it. That's what I kept trying to tell myself as we walked towards the car but that didn't seem to be all that easy. One of those easier said than done things. As a doctor I knew that there was nothing that could be done until we knew for sure what it was, but then I also knew that odds were if there was something there, it wasn't going to be benign. Now then I was also human, and that part of me wanted nothing more to accept that this was going to be nothing. Tore between what I knew and what I wanted to know.

"Anna you're awfully quiet." Bill said once we got back to the car. "I've been around you long enough to know that means something is up." He paused as he started the car. "Now you were at the oncologist so if something's up that can only mean…"

"We don't know anything yet." I snapped back rather quickly as I cut him off. "Dr. Martin said not to worry so let's not worry." Ah how easy that rolled out of my mouth at the moment even if I was going to sit there and worry that didn't mean that he needed to.

He just nodded before he started to drive. It was as if my reaction told him more than I had wanted it too. But then I couldn't be in this cheery chipper mood right now. My life was hanging by a thread, a very thin thread.

I had defied death once, of course, I was told that there was a reason for that and I would be here as long as it took to complete what I needed to do… had I really done that and now they were going to put me through something this horrible, something this painful all over again. Was death really that cruel that my being here was some sick joke? I was upset, I was angry, I was mad. There was no getting around that and I also knew that it was radiating from me right now. I shouldn't be taking it out on Bill for he had nothing to do with this. He wasn't the one that had given it to me.

"I'm sorry." I finally managed to get out. "I shouldn't be like this with you." I knew that no matter what I felt that it wasn't right to take it out on him. There were better ways to deal with all of it than to lash out, but I thought in some small way that if that's how I handled it he would take it the same way Max did and there wouldn't be any hard feelings when I upped and left. There was that small twinge of guilt though that this time my upping and leaving was going to be of a more permanent nature.

Yet why should I be shocked with the news? It wasn't like I didn't know that at some point in time that this could and would occur. Just having it go into remission when it did made it seem like that battle had been far from over. Perhaps I had fooled myself into thinking that was the last time I would ever have to be known as a cancer patient. I had got myself to think that I was a cancer survivor.

"Anna it's okay." He started to say.

"No it's not okay." I cut him off, "no matter what being like that is never okay. Not to you or to anyone else."

His eyes never left the road and once again I was seeing that this was indeed harder on those around me than it ever would be on me. I knew what would be laying ahead of me if this was indeed a recurrence. Which I was, even if the doctor said not to jump the gun, pretty sure that it would be. After all, the survival rate was about 5 years and I was nearly that already. The last few years that I had gotten were a blessing and that was something that I needed to remember. Why being struck with this in itself would make it seem like I was unlucky, I was indeed one of the lucky ones, for I had gotten those five extra years with my family and my friends to live my life that others didn't seem to be able to get.

"Bill, it will be okay." Finding it easier to reassure those around me than it was to actually reassure myself that it would indeed all be okay. After I was gone he would go on with his life and in a few years I would be nothing more than a fond memory to look back on every one in a great while when the mood struck.

He just nodded as he turned now onto our street and to our house. Things that at one point in time never seemed important but knowing what I did and that I was indeed going to have to get my affairs in order, knew that for a little while he'd be well taken care of. That much I could do for him. I could leave him the house and the car, what little I had I would rather go to him than to anyone else, certainly not Max.

"I know right now it doesn't seem like it will be, but eventually it will all be okay. For both you and for me." The words just seemed to roll off my tongue now easier than they had ever been to say and I wasn't crying yet. I didn't think that I had anymore tears left inside me to shed over this one. I wasn't ready to tell anyone else around me about it because there were still unanswered questions and perhaps an unanswered prayer or two yet that could be called in. "It's not the end."

He parked the car in the driveway and got out. He slowly started that walk up towards the house as if what I had said had fallen on deaf ears and that was something that definitely might have happened. I knew what it was like to be on this side of the fence and also to be on that side as well having lost my dad to cancer several years ago.

I caught up to him and put my hand on his shoulder as he crossed into the house. Once inside and the door was closed behind us, he pulled me into a giant hug one that said he was almost afraid to let go. That he knew time was precious and that we may very well be running out of it.


	52. Chapter 52

Chapter 52: Just One More Day

In the end, when you know the end is coming you find yourself wishing you could have just one more day. That night with Bill after the oncologist appointment had been rough. He didn't seem to want to let me out of his sight even for a moment and I know that he didn't sleep well at all for the following morning the bags under his eyes were worse than the ones under mine.

Bill seemed like he was literally on edge as we waited for the doctor to call us back with the scan results, or more so her office calling to schedule a time for us to come in and go over what they found on the CT. And just like clockwork she called two days later and I had an appointment for the following day. Even though I told him that it wasn't necessary Bill cleared his schedule.

We got there around 10 o'clock for my 10:15 appointment. Bill looked like he was about to crawl out of his skin, whereas I was completely calm for once. I knew what the news was going to be for some reason and while it was unsettling I knew that there wasn't much I could do about it.

He walked back with me, for some reason he didn't want to wait out in the waiting room this time. I think part of it was that he didn't trust me not to try to minimize the situation when I was relaying the information to him.

I glanced up to see the doctor come into the small room that we were sitting in. It felt a lot smaller this time, like the walls in there were closing in on me. It could have been just that this time there was an extra person in there.

"Morning Dr. Martin." I said with a soft smile on my face. There was no reason for me at this point to be any other way.

"Good morning Anna." She said coming in, "how are you feeling?"

"Good, better I think. I haven't been as tired as I have been." I trusted the oncologist and knew enough not to try to play things off.

"That's good to hear." I knew that there was more to it than that and the conversation was going to either get worse or get better but right now it seemed to be that we were stuck in pleasantries.

I gave her that looked the one that almost begged for her to get to the point and not prolong things. I knew why I was there and the number of various things that could potentially be found on that CT. "What did the CT show?"

"I think that we should schedule a biopsy." Dr. Martin told me.

Hearing her say that took some of the wind from my sails. My mind instantly went where I didn't want it to go. "Where has it spread now?"

"Anna we didn't see any spots." Dr. Martin said to me, "right now it could be nothing more the benign re-growth."

I knew that wasn't true. We both knew what it was she just didn't want to jump the gun and say it's back before she had those final test results back saying it was definite. With Bill sitting there she was probably trying to buy a little more time for him to adjust to the fact that we were dealing with yet another reoccurrence. I know that my odds weren't all that good. "Okay," I knew it was a one word answer but at the moment as I processed everything it was the best that I could do.

"We'll set it up for later tomorrow, unless you want to do it in the morning?" Dr. Martin said to me.

"No that's fine." I had this feeling like I was going numb inside and the way that Bill was now holding onto my hand I was guessing from my reaction to all of this he was starting to sense that it wasn't something good that we were talking about.

I got up from where I had been sitting so that we could schedule tomorrow's test. I had a shift tonight so doing it in the afternoon would allow me a few hours of restless sleep before hand. While I had been feeling better I still wasn't at the top of my game. But I already knew that I couldn't do yet another round of chemo. In my heart I knew this time I couldn't and wasn't going to beat it.

"Tomorrow at 2," Dr. Martin said to me, "you know the drill check in at 1."

"Yeah I know it." I answered, "I'll see you tomorrow." I bid my farewell to the doctor.

As Bill and I headed down to the car I heard his voice break the silence. "I will clear my schedule for tomorrow."

"Honey you don't need to do that." I said. I couldn't see the need for him to take time off work or miss anymore of his class time than he already had.

"You'll need someone to drive you home after it's done." He pointed out. "I don't mind Anna really I don't."

"There is no way that I am going to talk you out of this am I." I said sighing. "Please just don't say anything about this to anyone and by anyone I mean Carter or Doug."

"Would I do that?"

I sighed softly now. "Yes you would because you know that I won't." There was nothing to tell right now and the last thing that I wanted to do was to upset my friends with bad news when I really didn't have bad news as of yet. It was just coming.

"I have thought about it but no I haven't said anything to anyone."

"It's not that I don't want them to know." I said keeping my voice soft as I spoke to him, "but you heard the doctor just as I did. It could really be nothing."

I knew from the look on his face that he didn't believe me. That there was nothing that I could say that was going to make it any different. "I have a shift tonight that I need to take, you going to be okay?"

"I could ask you the same thing." He said.

"Yes I am going to be fine. There's no reason that I need to be sitting at home doing nothing when I could be doing something productive."

"Try and get a nap in at some point Anna. I know that you are tired." He said as he pulled into the driveway at the house. "You didn't sleep all that much last night."

"I slept just fine." No more or no less that I had in the last few weeks.

"You tossed all night long." He responded as he turned off the engine of the car.

"It's going to be all right. Please don't worry so much." That was more for his benefit than for mine. Yes, I might have been lying to him, but right now that was the way that it needed to be. I leaned over and gave him a soft kiss before getting out of the car. "I need to go and get in the shower."

I think that it was nerves right now that had me not feeling all that great as I headed inside the house and up the stairs. I really needed to work though and keep up appearances as if nothing was going on. I was good at that or would have liked to have thought that I was. Doug, Carter, Carol, and Abby didn't need to know just yet that there was something going on. It was more than something and I knew it. I just didn't know how I was going to get it all out again.

It didn't take me long before I was ready and out the door after a kiss and a hug from Bill. I got into County and was surprised to find that I was working the night shift with both Doug and Abby.

"Hey," I said with a smile on my face as I neared the admit desk. I hadn't gotten the chance over the past week to spend much time with any of my friends. "How lovely that we all managed to draw the night shift tonight."

"Little chipper tonight there missy." Doug said as he smiled at me.

"No more than usual." I said seeing as that at the moment there wasn't all that much there for us. I glanced over at Abby and then and there it hit me, "holy hell Abby." That was one big ring on her finger with one nice sized rock in it. "Did he?"

"Yes," Abby said giving me this look like I had just asked her the most ridiculous question on the face of the planet.

"Oh my god," I ended up pulling her into this giant hug, "I am so happy for you, when?"

"Last night." Abby said with a soft smile, "we decided that rather than wait a long time, we're going to do it in three months. We of course, expect you to be there."

I had to just smile for her, that wasn't something that I could promise. "I'd love it Abby." I tried to desperately keep my tone as happy as it had been before she said that but it wasn't easy. I knew that I really couldn't say anything right now about being sick and I didn't want to break any bubbles or rain on Abby's parade. "I'm happy for you."

Abby smiled for her as she started to move around the admit desk. "Thanks Anna."

"I'd better get to work on some of these." I said as I looked at the rack, "before Doug takes all the good ones and I'm stuck with nothing but the nasty ones." I smiled at Doug as I picked up a chart from the rack. "See you all later." And with that we all started in on the night shift.


End file.
